Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in med-surg.
I am unable to answer any more questions about my last post seeing as I have contracted a serious case of HIPAA-titis.

Try the edit button...no one will think about it.

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..
Don't read this thread while eating fudge brownie ice cream. No lie. Eating it right now. :uhoh21:
Why do you think I don't do chocolate?:DNot really, but I don't do brown chocolate for real, especially the candy anymore. My senst of taste changed. But there's no way I'm going to taste poop balls to see if I like them.:nono:
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Specializes in Med-Surg with tele.

Well, I'm a brand new nurse, but I can think of a few:

Don't expect the nurse to feel sorry for you when you complain about the horrible taste of the lactulose we need you to drink to prevent hepatic encephalopathy.

Don't destroy your heart and contract Hep C abusing IV drugs then refuse the heparin drip that's prescribed because you "just need to feel in control," then demand that you get a new heart right away. They won't give you a heart and you might just throw a clot to your lung. Sad.

If your husband leaves AMA despite our pleas and you end up bringing him back the very next day, don't scream at the nurses about how "You never should have let him leave like that!"

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Specializes in Family Practice Clinic.

Dont come into my ER and say "I have the worst migraine HA ever" and proceed to beat your head on the wall. And tell me that Demerol 100/Phen 50 IM will work. All of this after standing at the Dr. cubby and talking and laughing with the Dr for 5 minutes.

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Specializes in Cardiac stepdown Unit & Pediatrics.

Do not try to feed your one day old infant pizza because when you brush his face with it, he "looks like he wants to eat some." He will aspirate and you will be giving your baby to DSS.

When I am giving you discharge instructions and tell you "nothing in the lady parts for 6 weeks" don't look at me with a blank look and say "But can I have an orgasm?!" I can't very professionally ask you how you plan on getting it without putting something into your lady parts during your recovery period.

If your blood type is O+ and your husband's blood type is O-, and your baby's blood type is B+, don't get mad when your pediatrician tells you and your husband that the kid isn't his... and don't threaten to sue the pediatrician, the lab, the OB/GYN doc, and all the nurses if he leaves you for it.

Poop is not fingerpaint!

If you are 16 years old, have chlymidia, and are 25 weeks pregnant with twins in the hospital, DO NOT have sex with your untreated boyfriend in the bathroom. You will reinfect yourself with chlymidia and end up going into preterm labor with both of your babies in the ICU.

When you're 3 days post open heart have CAD, CHF, DM, and ACS on a special diet (low sodium, low sat fat, low cholesterol) but you won't follow your diet (has eggs and cheese practically with EVERY meal) don't get ticked off at me because you haven't had a bowel movement... oh yeah and you won't get out of bed to ambulate.

Don't lie to me and tell me that you're not smoking in your bathroom when I see ashes in the toilet and your STINK to high heavens of marlboro lights.

If you're incontinent, don't pee on yourself and lie to me, telling me you spilled juice. It's ok sweetie. I don't mind helping to clean you up. Just know that I'm not stupid.

Don't go to the ER for something, complain that your pain is a 10 of 10, and then 20 minutes later ask if you go outside and smoke a cigarette will we hold your place.

If you're the family member of a chronic alcoholic and he/she happens to come to the unit because of metabolic acidosis with pancreatitis after an all nighter binge, don't tell me his alcohol use is "getting much better."

Don't "just put windex on it."

Doctors if your nurse and her student call you about 5 times telling you that your post-op tubal ligation patient is bleeding (tachycardia, hypotension, dizziness, low H/H), don't tell them to send the patient home with a pack of abd dressing pads because "it's just fine." Later on, when the nurse calls you back to tell you that the said patient has soaked through 5 towels of blood and is on the verge of passing out, after taking the patient back to the OR and fixing the "bleeder", please be kind to your nurse and her student and give them the apology you owe them for being a jerk earlier.

If we take a random urine test for drugs because of 2 anonymous complaints about a new mom and you're the new mom, don't try to switch out the urine. (We're giving you Ibuprofen q 8 and you're taking your PRN percocet q 3 hours like it's candy-if your urine is negative for percocets we KNOW you switched the urine!)

Don't keep your hemmorhoid cream beside the toothpaste. Ewww....

If you are sick with a stomach virus and diarrhea and take "a few more" lomotil than you are supposed to for "a few days", don't be surprised when you end up in the hospital with a paralytic ileus... and oh yes, don't tell the nurses about the extra lomotil 5 days into your hospital stay. Knowing that from the beginning could've solved a few questions.....

When I ask you if you have any allergies at all please tell me about ALL allergies. Don't wait til I'm prepping you in betadine soak to mention that you're allergic to shrimp...

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Specializes in LTC,Hospice/palliative care,acute care.
When I am giving you discharge instructions and tell you "nothing in the lady parts for 6 weeks" don't look at me with a blank look and say "But can I have an orgasm?!" I can't very professionally ask you how you plan on getting it without putting something into your lady parts during your recovery period.

.

Not trying to highjack the thread but this one made me laugh out loud! That thingee down there- It rhymes with Doris.....you know? no vag.pen. needed....
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Specializes in Cardiac stepdown Unit & Pediatrics.

Yesss my dear-I know :) But at our hospital we ask them not to do that too, I think the exact wording is "Nothing is to enter in or around the lady partsl opening for at least 6 weeks postpartum or until your doctor sees you after your 6-8 postpartum visit"

No use in driving the car in the parking lot when you can't take it out on the street. :)

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Specializes in nursery, L and D.

Again, not to high jack, but your hospital is way behind times, merellis! Orgasm is thought to be very beneficial to the post-baby uterus, even in the first 24 hours after birth. Not that I can imagine anyone feeling up to it at that point, but to each their own, and all that.

There have been a number of studies done, I'll see if I can hunt one down!

And another antedote, about those UDS, they are not by any means fool-proof! I had some minor surgery the night before a job interview, and took 10/325 percocet every three hours for about 18 hours before the UDS. Including about 2 hours before. Listed it very carefully on the form, had a conversation about it with the tester, and guess what? Nothing on the UDS! Surprised the heck outta me!

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Specializes in Education and oncology.

Don't get hospitalized on a heme/onc floor with sick and dying cancer patients and complain about your alcoholic cirrhosis and irritating IV line.

Same patient on same floor- our food is not the worst in the city, some patients actually have other things to complain about. (Like dying from leukemia.)

Parents, please don't bring your grubby germy children to our onc floor and expect them to visit sick immunocompromised gramma. Likewise, our pantry is not your family's snack supply for all the kids and hungry teens; we actually have patients who need the ginger ale and soda crackers... I could go on...:uhoh3:

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Specializes in LTC, CPR instructor, First aid instructor..

Back when I was doing my clinical rotation in L and D/ OB/Gyn, I began giving a young couple instructions about post birth sex. I just matter of factly said, No sexual intercourse until 6 weeks after the birth of your baby. Now, here I was, a 55 year old woman at the time, teaching this very young and very polite couple their instructions. The look on their faces was so precious.:omy::imbarHim :omy::imbarHer :nurse:me just talking matter of factly. Such a precious moment. :DGotta love nursing.:lol2:

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Don't get hospitalized on a heme/onc floor with sick and dying cancer patients and complain about your alcoholic cirrhosis and irritating IV line.

Same patient on same floor- our food is not the worst in the city, some patients actually have other things to complain about. (Like dying from leukemia.)

Parents, please don't bring your grubby germy children to our onc floor and expect them to visit sick immunocompromised gramma. Likewise, our pantry is not your family's snack supply for all the kids and hungry teens; we actually have patients who need the ginger ale and soda crackers... I could go on...:uhoh3:

Amen, sister.:yeahthat:

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Specializes in OB, Med-Surg.

don't come in complaining of horrible nausea and vomiting for days, and then request, no wait, then DEMAND a 4 course meal pronto upon admission.

don't read an article and then pretend to know more than I do.

don't smoke in your room and then tell me you're not. I know that the fog outside is really outside and not escaping into your room.

don't tell me how to do my job

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