Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Sep 11, 2007

Dont forget, though, that although that probably seems silly to you, most people who don't have medical training have never been taught that a little IV bubble is nothing to worry about. Everyone has, however, heard that an air bubble in your bloodstream can kill you.

Oh believe me, I know that. And I say something to the effect of "I know that's what everybody says, isn't it? Good thing it's not really true." That is only one instance. I could name so many 'urban healthcare legends' I have heard since becoming a nurse. Some I didn't even know existed before.

santhony44, MSN, RN, NP · Sep 11, 2007

This I learned from a pt. on the med floor...Never use the words "looking good" or "very nice" when you are assessing a man's member after debriding and/or extensive wound care. No matter how debilitated the pt. is, he will think you are interested in some "action".

And, I can totally see myself saying something just like that without thinking first.

I guess it's a wound to us but something much more important to him!! :lol2:

juliachloe · Sep 29, 2007

:barf01:No matter how thankful you are that we took such good care of your baby while in the NICU, do not wait to tell us that the homemade cookies you brought in for us were made with your breastmilk.

Do not say to your 2-day post-partum wife, in front of your NICU nurses, "that's all you got" after she has finished pumping. The nurses might try to extract breastmilk from you!

Do not try to help your NICU nurse suction your intubated baby's mouth by pulling on the ET tube to get it out of the way, she might be inclined to slap you.

After DHS calls you at home, don't claim that the nurses invaded your privacy and violated your rights by obtaining the ordered meconium drug screen from your baby after your wife tested positive for meth.

crissrn27, RN · Sep 29, 2007

:barf01:No matter how thankful you are that we took such good care of your baby while in the NICU, do not wait to tell us that the homemade cookies you brought in for us were made with your breastmilk.
quote]
:barf01::barf01:

Penelope_Pitstop, BSN, RN · Oct 6, 2007

hi everyone! this is a great thread! i know these are a lot of reading, but i couldn't leave any out, hope you enjoy.

do not!:

~ allow your cats to lick your already mrsa-infested hip wound. the visiting nurses association will not come and see you again.

~ when on a 1000 ml fluid restriction, ring the call bell and ask your patient care technician to retrieve your 2 l bottle of mountain dew from beneath your bed. props to you for managing to keep it hidden from a few shifts' worth of folks, though.

~ hit on your nurse when she is in the process of changing the dressings to your rectal abcess. her subsequent attempts at stifling laughter will make irrigation a bit difficult.

~ present your specimen cup to your nurse filled with semen rather than urine. she knows the difference, and although the entire staff agrees that it was silly for the doctor to order a ua on a fellow with esrd, you didn't have to take it out on us and now everyone will approach you only when donning gloves.

~ when utilizing a 20 oz. bottle of soda for the purposes of anal stimulation, pick a brand to use without careful thought. "make 7up yours" may become the er catchphrase of the year.

~ allow your girlfriend to catch you having sex with another woman. if she does, running down a city street might not be the best solution, especially if you're drunk. but if both of these occur, when you're in the hospital, remember to dispose of the condom you used to have sex with one of them (pod #1, after your orif) somewhere other than where your student nurse extern will find it when she's taking your vital signs. maybe you shouldn't have cheated on your girl in the first place!

~ if your 12 year old son injures himself outside while playing, and the cut becomes rather dirty and pus-filled, crush up po flagyl and place it in the wound. he's already been diagnosed bi-polar, having one less finger will just add to his problems. why didn't you finish your round of flagyl, anyway?

~ if you've already developed diabetic retinopathy at 30, be devil-may-care as to where you decide to pass out when coming home from a night of coke snorting and hard drinking. just because you can't feel the heater doesn't mean it doesn't feel you!

~ try to strangle your nurse with her stethoscope during the 2000 med pass, and tell her to "run off and be a good little girl." she'll come back with backup and your lovenox shot.

~ leave a sleeve of chips a'hoy in one of your many folds for a later pleasure. the (many) nurses who are turning you don't appreciate projectile objects during patient care. but they will tell the story for weeks to come.

*jess*

ps - this is my first post! glad to be here!:monkeydance:

crissrn27, RN · Oct 6, 2007

Very funny, and weird stuff Bluehen, and welcome!!

Liddle Noodnik · Oct 6, 2007

PS - This is my first post! Glad to be here!:monkeydance:

Welcome Jess!!

TDub, MSN, EdD · Oct 6, 2007

I really think you should write the 7 Up folks with that testimonial. I'm sure they'd be mighty glad.

Is there an emoticon for sarcasm?

Pediatric Critical Care Columnist · Oct 7, 2007

Thanks for a much-needed moment of levity in an otherwise rotten day! Welcome to allnurses; if all your posts are like this one, we've got a keeper!

Kiwimid · Oct 7, 2007

i was walking down the hall of post natal one day when i heard some very loud moaning. it got to the point of being so loud that other staff were concerned. so went into the room, and this guy was graoning and moaning everytime his baby even moved. strange fellow. baby was ment to be under bili lights but he had removed the baby from the isolette because it was lonely and had turned off the lights because baby didnt like the mask. i tells ya.... neon baby anyone??

vetnrse · Oct 9, 2007

these are hysterical ( probably didnt seem so at the time)

wow , its unbelievable the stupid things that people can do.

probably the 1st main thing that I learned was dont touch any patient or the bed sheets until you have a really good view first of what they have stuck on them. Oh and of course , never stand in direct line of fire in front of the head. stand to the side if possible so when that loogie or whatever comes spewing out, maybe it'll miss the nurse. oh and one more , watched a coworker experience this one:

Never give heimlick manuever to a geriatric patient without first making sure the depends are on good and snug. ( not always possible)

coworker aided this patient to spew a morsel out of the throat but got a good brown squirt from the other end at the same time.

boy did we laugh.

karleb, RN · Oct 10, 2007

:barf01:No matter how thankful you are that we took such good care of your baby while in the NICU, do not wait to tell us that the homemade cookies you brought in for us were made with your breastmilk. .

:no: :barf02: Oh.....my.....God.....!!