Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

mari31666 · Aug 20, 2007

:trout:

here are some ob things I have learned:
Never get your Depo-Provera in Mexico.
Never assume you are sterile just because you didn't get pregnant with your last 3 lovers.
Never take your goldfish out of the bowl and play with it on your tummy because it my "accidently" swim up your lady parts.
Never assume that cute little fish tattoo on your abdomen will stay cute when stretched by 9 months of pregnancy.
Never stay with a man you can't get to leave the bar long enough to come to your baby's delivery, even if he makes frequent calls saying he will be there in just a minute.
Never bring your husband and your current boyfriend to the same delivery.

How about: Never bring your new "baby mama" to your old "baby mama's" delivery.

or

your two pregnant girlfriends to the same labor and delivery unit on the same night at the same time.

also don't eat a whole pizza at 3 am and then come to labor and delivery with vomitting. not much sympathy will be given. especially if you continued to eat after vomitting.

mari31666 · Aug 20, 2007

Do not decide that your IV is a snake trying to eat its way into your arm and then pull out a lighter to burn it off. Do not sit there in bed after your IV tubing has caught fire and melted onto you, watching the flames spread over your linens and to the curtains hanging over the window. This is a bad idea.
Do not use your shared heroin needles to inject your diabetic body with insulin when you are homeless and living on the street. When you develop a boil that spans the entire upper side of your body and armpit, do not let your "hot" homeless stripper girlfriend lance it with the same needle. Do not let this open wound fester and rot for three weeks before going to the ER, unless you think having a tunneling wound that is deep enough for the MD to put his forearm into is "cool". Especially do not do this if you don't wish to have your arm amputated secondary to gross necrosis and infection.
And a few from the nursery (and you thought all we did was cuddle babies!):
Do not get two women pregnant at the same time. Especially do not let these two women be sisters. When they both go into pre-term labor, do not bring them both to the same hospital. At said hospital, do not leave and allow them to meet up in the nursery to cuddle your babies and discover that they share more than genetics in common. When you return, and they start slapping each other with a baby in their arms, do not cheer one over the other, or encourage ANYONE to "beat her ****ing fat ***", especially if the "her" you are referring to is the one who you are presently living with. Do not laugh when one of them hits the nurse and gives her a bloody lip as she tries to break up the fight.
Do not get HIV from your current partner and then get impregnated by your former partner without telling him that having sex with you is going to kill him. Do not have a baby then forget to tell the doctors that you have a deadly disease, allowing them to discover this in four months when it is too late to treat the baby effectively. Do not then let your former partner impregnate his CURRENT girlfriend, thus forming a sick quadrangle of HIV infection that only two people know about.
Do not wait until your NICU nurse has left the room so that you can whip out a rusty knife and begin sawing into your new baby's Morphine drip before she returns. Do not place your mouth anywhere near the newly-sawed IV tubing and begin drinking the Morphine. Do not, under any circumstances, pretend that you weren't doing this when the nurse returns, and absolutely do not claim that "that sh** was like that" when you came in.
Do not get so pissed off at the nurses that you decide to unhook your two pound preemie from his/her leads and put him/her inside your coat pocket and attempt to take him/her home with you.
Do not decide that your baby is hungry when he/she is on NEC precautions and, upset that we aren't feeding your baby, decide to sneak a Coca-Cola onto the unit and feed it to your child with a syringe you found on a supply cart.
When your baby has had open heart surgery and has his/her chest still open, do not put your finger "in there" because you wanted to "feel it".
Do not visit the nursery with a friend and, when friend begins to change her new baby's diaper, say one of the following phrases REALLY loud:
"Ooh, girl, your baby's cat is FAT!"
"How come your baby 'aint got no nuts?"
"Where the ***k is his ***k?"

i thought i only heard those kind of things in new york

jessi1106, BSN, RN · Aug 21, 2007

Don't steal the wallet of another patient...they may decide to press charges!

StephOScope · Aug 21, 2007

Do not attempt to pierce your member with a upholstery needle, or use OraJel inside the urethra as a local anesthetic. Furthermore, do not use Neosporin inside the urethra to treat the resulting infection.

Now I would have thought the OraJel was probably a good home remedy! LOL, shame on me!

:lol2:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Aug 21, 2007

NEVER place antifungal cream in your patient's or anyone else's urethra.. It will NOT kill the super infection that has developed over time. It will however make said person think the urethra is going to burn up. Instead, please ask for a super antibiotic to kill the super bug.

birdgardner · Aug 29, 2007

dont forget to teach children at very young age that foreign objects do not belong in body cavities. do not forget to mention, ears, nose, belly buttons, and various openings in the nether regions.

i'd say the opposite - don't tell them; they'll get ideas.

(when i was six or so my brother put a dried bean up his nose and had to go in to get it out. then my parents told me, never, never do anything like that. so i wondered, is it really that hard to get one out? it took me an hour to snort out that bean, hiding in the closet.)

rizza · Aug 31, 2007

Never break into someones house and then get locked inside their bedroom because you might find yourself breaking a sliding glass door to get out, then have your buddy place your arm in a big black trash bag and drive you to the ER. Lucky the vascular surgeon was around.

Sabby_NC · Aug 31, 2007

Never break into someones house and then get locked inside their bedroom because you might find yourself breaking a sliding glass door to get out, then have your buddy place your arm in a big black trash bag and drive you to the ER. Lucky the vascular surgeon was around.

:uhoh3: :uhoh3: :uhoh3: :uhoh3: :uhoh3: OMGosh that is awful but I could not stop laughing. Did the arm literally get sliced off or did the buddy just use the garbage bag as a bandage? LOL

Ok I must be really tired and my perverse sense of humor is kicking in! :lol2:

rizza · Aug 31, 2007

:uhoh3::uhoh3: OMGosh that is awful but I could not stop laughing. Did the arm literally get sliced off or did the buddy just use the garbage bag as a bandage? LOL
Ok I must be really tired and my perverse sense of humor is kicking in!

The big black plastic bag was was too catch all the blood that was coming from his severed radial artery.

I dont think your sense of humor is perverse, "This guy was a complete idiot"

Sabby_NC · Sep 1, 2007

The big black plastic bag was was too catch all the blood that was coming from his severed radial artery.
I dont think your sense of humor is perverse, "This guy was a complete idiot"

Ok now I am giggle and my hubby wants to know why!! Bet that bag was pretty full then LOL Dope award of the week eh? LOL

RNDreamer · Sep 1, 2007

:smackingf

Never break into someones house and then get locked inside their bedroom because you might find yourself breaking a sliding glass door to get out, then have your buddy place your arm in a big black trash bag and drive you to the ER. Lucky the vascular surgeon was around.

Liddle Noodnik · Sep 1, 2007

The big black plastic bag was was too catch all the blood that was coming from his severed radial artery.
I dont think your sense of humor is perverse, "This guy was a complete idiot"

What a drip