Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

grace90, LPN, LVN · Aug 9, 2007

I think ER/intraoperative nurses/docs could write a book on all the things retrieved from a people's body cavities...

Don't "slip and fall" on a long hard object and "accidentally" lodge it in a dark place, wait to come in until you're septic with multiple absesses and a perferated bowel, end up with a colostomy, claim you can't work with one, put your sob story in the newspaper about how you got a perferated bowel in a MVA and the mean doctors didn't finish your surgery because they gave you a colostomy and you can't work and collect all kinds of charitable donations so you can have your colostomy taken down that was your own fault in the first place... the nurses remember your first admission and we're not fooled, and we're not amused by the newspaper sob stories...:angryfire:angryfire:madface::trout:

nrsang97, BSN, RN · Aug 9, 2007

Don't use cocaine while on coumadin. You will end with a hemorrhagic stroke and need brain surgery. This from the pt who's sister told me that the pt had dementia from too thick blood. (New reason for dementia to me).

jessi1106, BSN, RN · Aug 9, 2007

"Never shoot heroin you left sitting in the spoon next to a birdcage."

.....So horribly funny!

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Aug 9, 2007

Please don't impregnate your wife and your girlfriend at around the same time....then should you do that, please tell your girlfriend not to develop preeclampsia and need to be on bedrest in the hospital. Failing that, please tell her not to have her BP shoot up all of a sudden, needing to be induced. You will have a real hard time explaining to your wife why you need to be at the hospital in the middle of the night when you are obviously not sick.

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Aug 9, 2007

Please don't hide a crack pipe in your nether regions, because the jig will be up when you deliver your IUGR baby that ends up in NICU.

Please don't tell me you don't have enough money for a $30 corificeat but want to pay almost $700 for an elective procedure called circumcision. (That is really what they cost where I am!)

sticknurse · Aug 9, 2007

If you are visiting our floor and wish to gain the sympathy of the staff because of your recent stroke, please remember to drag the affected leg ALL THE TIME not just when your nurse walks by (and don't get caught standing or walking either).

sticknurse · Aug 9, 2007

If you insist on lying naked in your bed and exposing your horribly scarred but healed torso so you can shock visitors and staff by asking "how'd ya like my cat?" remember to cover up before your pizza is delivered, you may not want it after we have to pick it up off the nasty floor. (The poor pizza guy literally Ran past the nurses station, and I'm pretty sure pizza wasn't on her diet anyway, bad diabetic)

If you want your medications delivered in a timely manner try to avoid masturbating each time we bring them to you with a huge grin on your face, we would also appreciate it if you are going to do so, don't say "come on in" when we knock. (Huge doses of percocet/oxycontin q so many hours, and he would Chew them and smile at me). HE HAD A BROKEN ANKLE.

If you grab your nurse by the bajawber while she's doing narc count she will not be happy with you.

sticknurse · Aug 9, 2007

Do not go floating in an inner tube in a farm pond while wearing a body cast after spinal surgery. (GUILTY, thank God nothing bad came of it and we were just 9 and 10 years old) sis had scoliosis, boy was mom pissed. (I didn't Make her anyway).

If you need to go up and work on the side of your house, do not make yourself a rope seat. If you do make said seat do not tie the rope to the bumper of your wifes car and fail to tell her.

If you are cruel and abusive to your wife for 40 years, don't have a stroke cause she may just never take off your shoes and when they amputate your legs and you can't walk, she may make a game out of asking you to "run over there and get my Oh yeah, you aint got no legs..."

bakpakr · Aug 9, 2007

from my military days;

Don't watch where the grenade lands. Might just end up with a major headache.

While working under a vehicle don't tick off the guy holding the jack handle.

When asked to check the level of Heptain (extremely flammable) in the drum don't use a lighter to illuminate the interior of said drum. Boom

Do not hook the wires from a field phone up to your buddy and crank field phone. You might not like your split lip and broken nose after the fact.

Never turn on the generator until you are sure the circuit is hooked up and your partner is not holing the bare wire ends.

lupin · Aug 11, 2007

From my new ER experiences:

Lack of female hygiene almost always leads to an ER trip and a pelvic exam of some sort. No, you don't get percocet before hand either.

If the Doc hasn't seen you yet, I can't give you so much as an aspirin. Yelling and moaning and having your family harass the nurses gets you nowhere as they can't give you meds either.

If you c/o chest pain, you will have to be in the ER until we can clear you cardiac-wise, even if you are just seeking meds. And yes, I do have to put in an IV. Quit squirming.

If you are dumb enough to not buy a helmet for your child so he can ride his bike, even though you know he likes to do stunts, do not get mad at the nurses if we need to stitch him up.

If you call an ambulance in to bring you to the hospital for a bruise on your leg X so many days, you are still considered non-emergent and placed out in the waiting room.

No I don't work in the ER to pick up the assorted men who frequent it. I am married, pregnant, and broke. You would only add to my troubles.

If you have to explain five times that you were naked from getting out of the shower and that's why you have something lodged in an area not meant for it, we know you're lying and will laugh our a**es off at you in the nurses station.

If you're screwing around on your husband because you "don't have anything to do with him no more" and wind up with PID, please don't bring him along with you to the ER visit. He will suspect something is up.

Whew! More to follow.....

Chantilly · Aug 11, 2007

If you are going to lead the police on a foot chase through several backyards make sure that the swimming pool you come across is full before jumping into the deep end.

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Aug 12, 2007

do not ask the nurse in front of the student nurse, "well she's not going to take the place of a real nurse is she?!" and procede to belittle and make snide remarks to her, then as she is feeding you your dinner throw up on her, make her sit with you (not a problem mind you) , then later cough up blood while she is holding your hand.
then meet her later as a real nurse...
do not come out to the desk and ask to have the wi machine thing back because you already rented the games etc and yes you know there are other pp on the floor that want to use it-but see you rented these games already. then when you finally get someone to get it for you from the little boy down the hall (your husbands kid is coming up to visit and loves to play with his dad who has had a stroke and is exp a.) procede to ignore the pt and play all night in pts room as he tries to sleep. we arent stupid. but you are rude.
dont stock pile supplies in the closet for when you take your family member home, we know about the stash.
do not ask the nurse "arent you going to check his arm band?" before she has a chance to set the pills down and open up her computer. it is kinda rude-kind of really puts it out there that you dont trust us. do not proceedto ask what each pill is for when you are only a friend of the pt. it is none of your business.
please dont keep coming in to see your kid while we are changing a picc dressing stand over our shoulders and turn a fan onto our work area and a naked picc line. pt, who btw ran from cops, crashed his vehicle, is narcissistic and asks veteran spinal cord injury team nurses if they really know how to transfer him to bed because you are hesitating his first night. yes, we do. yes we could have him in bed in 2 seconds. he would hurt but he wouldnt be harmed-we are just trying to evaluate the least painful way to get you into bed so you dont scream at us.
dont come to rehab as a new sci from another hospital, with a many sizes too big neck brace (that you could actually spin around her neck-it is sooo big--and ask "why wont you transfer me to the cart for a shower?" uh cuz it is my license and not till you have a brace that fits, and you wouldnt want me too anyway.
dont ask the nurse of the silent aspirator pt (your husband) every night if he can have gum or nuts. just dont.
dont "i will just leave the bed alarm off while you are visiting your husband-you just call the desk before you leave so we can turn it on." why cuz they never call!!!!&*#*%^&@!
dont ask for ambien 2 lortab and xanax at one time. again and again.
dont call 911 because we haven't come to answer your call light yet. it has only been one minute. oh and there was that pesky code next door to deal with. and dont ask us later what was going on.
dont decide after you get in bed with 2 assist tfr that, yes, maybe after all i would like to go to the bathroom, after it was strongly suggested to do so before bed-night after night after night. we understand that occasional instance. it is the not trying that gets us.
dont as a sci pt sit up in your wc all night post poning your shower or getting to bed with me as your nurse. it wont happen. dont do this to the new nurse or float nurse on my weekends off. when i return you will have a decubitus. and no your wife cannot blame me. also do not ask us to get the hoyer to lay you down for 5 minutes (really happened-he tricked us-didnt know massage person coming) before we have to get you up for your massage. then down again for 15 minutes then back up again for supper and be cool to us if we run late, because we are getting everyone else up for supper in a rush.
dont ask us to refold your nylon athletic pants so they arent all messy as we are boosting you again because 'you were wrong, maybe you arent up too far in the bed, maybe you didnt need us to move you down in the bed, maybe we were right-when we nurses did raise the head of the bed you moved down on your own, now you are in a hole. and your feet are touching the bed. and no your catheter is not kinked, since we checked it 5 seconds ago.
dont ask me why you need a bed alarm when we find your head at the foot of the bed and your feet at the head.
dont get together with the other pts that your nurse has and conspire to all demand pills at 2030. i swear some nights......
dont try to smoke in your room with towels against the door. again, just dont. we will find you.
dont be that inpatient husband of a pt who brings their finished dinner tray out to the desk every night and ask us to take, when every night we tell you they will come around to take it, and dont ask us then to lay her down, cuz she has to sit up for 30 min (just like last night) and then ask her nurse to come down and point her out to one of us when we ask who her nurse is, and then say "that heavy set one over there." real loud. front of 15 pp. wow she will rush right down there!
dont hang out at the nurses station we arent your friends. yes your son has been here 2 months but as you can see by all the charts in front of me, i do have to plan your sons care.
yes i love nursing and it is the above instances that endear it to me even more--makes us laugh and you get to join that comradery of nurses who put up with this stuff every day, and love doing so. gets us through the really tragic and bad nights.

:oevery nurse's nightmare!!!:chair: