Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Specializes in RN CRRN.
Some recent lessons, for which I am profoudly grateful:

Following a delicious dinner of Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches, should you and your honey decide to copulate, you might ask that he wash his hands thoroughly prior to commencing foreplay. The labia is no place for cayenne pepper.

If you have been been seen for a UTI and received rxs for abx and Pyridium, you probably also were given instructions to avoid intercourse. This includes receiving oral sex, since Pyridium will, apparently, render your partner's tongue numb. Should you decide to proceed anyway, try not to be in a tent 100+ miles from the nearest hospital or clinic.

Following your ambulance ride to the ER, when you c/o "11 on a scale of 10" abd pain, do not be surprised when the MD palpates your belly. Surely this cannot come as such a shock that you actually slap said MD.

When asked for your pain on a scale of 1-10, please make every effort to remain within that scale. Answers of "Eleven" or "A hundred" will not amuse the nursing staff or get you medicated more quickly.

Do not read the "Good Housekeeping" article and come in and lie to your triage nurse. She's read the same article.

While in the midst of a shoulder reduction, if you need more Versed, just say so. Delivering a kick to your nurse's knee will not have the desired result, especially if that same nurse has recently endured a kick from a horse to that same knee. You may find that your MD's attention quickly shifts away from you and focuses on the nurse.

If you feel strongly about having a private room in the ER, maintain a firm distance from soap and water for at least one week prior to going to the ER. If at all possible, the staff will not subject any other patient to sharing a room with your BO. Beware, however, that said staff will not be particularly enthusiastic about entering your room, either.

Never, ever, ever bite a dog, or anything else with sharper teeth than you have.

When you present to the ER with c/o STD exposure, and the nurse tells you that she will be giving you a shot in your behind, she will only need to see your behind. Displaying your genitalia instead only prolongs this process, and the nurses have other things to do.

The microwave is the worst possible cooking method when trying to boil an egg.

Everyone appreciates an honest attempt to be helpful. When the nurse has applied a tourniquet to your arm and is searching for a vein, pointing to a vein and remarking, "That's the one I always use" is more helpful than you can imagine. Don't, however, cuss the nurse when she decides to start your IV in a different vein.

The things they don't teach you in nursing school!!!

This happened to me, pointing out of best veins by a pt!!! prior to this the resource nurse I was shadowing -as a new hired RN we must-told me to be extra careful (is there such a thing - 'extra' standard precautions?! :) because he had Hep

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Specializes in RN CRRN.
been laughing myself sick with these, so a few of my own.

Never borrow your bosses truck, pick up your wife, get very drunk and drive down the very busy highway in front of our hospital, while you and your drunk wife are trying to do the nasty in the front seat. Wifey might get ejected from truck when it rolls over, and over. Since wife is naked she will have the worst case of road rash I have ever seen, and you will be transported to the local jail in just a lovely hospital gown as clothing must be cut off to assess injuries.

On the 4th of July, Never leave 5 year old son to watch 2 year old sister at the lake, while you and hubby get drunk. Espically do not yell at 5 year old "you killed your sister" when her lifeless body is brought to the ER. (really wanted to hurt that mom.)

If you are a large burly looking guy in a flannel shirt brought to the ED for chest pain, remember to remove your beautiful red bra and panties before EMS arrives. Also remember that the staff will not believe you when you claim "those aren't mine".

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER get loaded and sleep with your new friend and your new 2 week old infant. very sad.

Never assume patient understands the insturctions "per rectum"

Never try to pet a moose.

Never try to ride a moose.

Baby bear cubs usually have a mom close by, and she will not like you trying to pet her baby.

If the voices in your head tell you to chop off your hand, DO NOT LISTEN! And if you come to the ED do not place the removed limb on the Ward cleck's desk, she may scream.

Self castration is ALWAYS a bad idea.

If you put a gun under your chin and fire, you might not die. You may have to live the rest of your life with half your face missing.

Just because your boyfriend doesn't have any children and he is 23, doesn't mean he can't father children.

Never get loaded, and go for a walk when it is -30 degrees outside, and if you do, do not stop to take a nap.

oh my god, I love that:

never try to pet a moose

never try to ride a moose

hilarious--I REwrote those phrases cuz I wasnt sure I did the quote thingy correctly but those two phrases are the BEST.

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Specializes in RN CRRN.

Never get loaded and mad at your BF while riding in a car and jump out of it because you are upset when you are visiting him in another state.

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Specializes in RN CRRN.
If you have an IUD, try to avoid intercourse with men who have member rings. Hoops, especially, are mightily attracted to those little strings. However, please don't take this advice to mean you should perform a quick at-home trim on your own with your nail scissors.

If you brother tells you to put BBs in your ear to see how many you can fit in there, there's nothing saying you have to do it.

Drink your beer and smoke your pot AFTER your skateboard ride/last ski run/night-time hike in the mountains. Regardless of what manner of wildlife you may encounter on your hike, it is strongly recommended that you don't "just try to see how close you can get to it"

If you see your mule in the corn crib and he's not supposed to be there, sneaking up behind him and screaming is neither the safest or most effective means of removing him from said corn crib.

You're absolutely right- aspirin IS an effective contraceptive... if you place it between your knees every morning and hold it there firmly throughout your waking hours. Sadly, neither Coke or orange juice douches can claim any contraceptive properties at all.

If you just cannot stand that "not so fresh" feeling and must douche, please keep in mind that this product is intended for a single use only.

If you have been having frequent unprotected sex and have noticed you haven't had a period in a while, pregnancy is a strong possibility. Additionally, if you don't know who the father is, asking your nurse if she knows is unlikely to provide any answers.

The "that's my story and I'm sticking to it" defense may be a time-honored one, but claims of virginity uttered repeatedly in the face of a positive hcg tend to fall on deaf ears.

Noxema is recommended for relief of mild sunburn pain, but it will NOT help your yeast infection. I know it burns down there, but it's just not the same kind of burn.

Exchanging mouth-to-mouth kisses with a parrot is seldom a good plan, especially when you have previously acknowledged that said parrot does not like you.

Allowing your new adult python to become acquainted with you by sniffing your hands, redolent with the scent of raw chicken, almost never has good results.

Cows may be domesticated, but very few have really had adequate training under saddle. Even fewer have ever expressed a desire to jump fences, and their enthusiasm tends to be further dampened by the presence of a passenger.

When you attempt to top off your gas tank and turning your little gas can upside down produces only a couple of drops come out, the safest assumption is that it is empty. Please do not verify this by trying to see the inside of the can with a lighter.

When leaving the hospital with your newborn, please remember: a duffel bag is no substitute for an approved car seat.

If, when you present to L&D, you have pre-medicated yourself with Xanax, pot, left-over prescription cough suppressants, or any combination thereof "to take the edge off", this definitely falls under the heading of "Information We Need"

Most importantly, when your inebriated friends utter such phrases as "Hey, y'all watch this!" a prudent pal will recognize these as rather famous last words.

My brother married a pediatrician (how I will never know-he a dork) anyway-She told us this one day.

What is the last thing pp usually SAY before a trip -unconscious btw- to the ER? ---"Hey guys, I Betchya I can ..........Fill in the blank."

What is the last thing pp usually HEAR before a trip -unconscious btw- to the ER?---"Hey, I betchya you CANT....:lol2:"

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Never stuff half a stick of dynamite down a fire ant nest and then lean over it to find out why it hasn't gone off yet.

Never shoot heroin you left sitting in the spoon next to a birdcage.

Never try to pet a rattlesnake, no matter how drunk you are.

Never put a light bulb up your rectum.

Never force right of way with a bus, especially if you're on a motorcycle.

Never stick sparklers in your ears.

Never drink battery acid, I don't care how tough you are.

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

Please don't dress your child in three layers of thick clothing when it is 100F outside then bring him to me saying he has a fever.

100 beers every weekend is TOO MANY.

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Specializes in Pediatric home care..
Never shoot heroin you left sitting in the spoon next to a birdcage.

Never drink battery acid, I don't care how tough you are.

that is the funniest thing I have read in a while.

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Specializes in ER, ICU, Nursing Education, LTC, and HHC.
Don't rip your new pacemaker out, and cut the wires, then go to the Dr's office and say "I found this." You might end up with MRSA in the wound, and be stuck in hospital for 3 weeks waiting for the infection to clear up to get a new one.

YIKES I do not even like the visual on that one.. do you think that can really happen? Curiosity wants to know

Have a great day!

Mo

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Specializes in ICU.
This happened to me, pointing out of best veins by a pt!!! prior to this the resource nurse I was shadowing -as a new hired RN we must-told me to be extra careful (is there such a thing - 'extra' standard precautions?! :) because he had Hep

I have found that with IV drug users, they WILL be able to show you their good viens. Atleast the good viens that they have not used up. I had a patient one time that swore up and down this certain vien on her hand was not good, (it looked good to me). SHe said she could never get it to work. But I damn sure did! Got a nice 20 gauge in there. Impressed all the other nurses too hehe

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Specializes in neuro, med/surg/, cardiac care.

Put your dentures or hearing aid in a half full urinal for the night. Gross!!:nurse::nurse:

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Specializes in ICU, SDU, OR, RR, Ortho, Hospice RN.
:lol2::lol2::lol2::lol2::lol2: Oh my goodness me those cracked me up!!!!
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