Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Never attempt do-it-yourself bovine artificial insemination.

Some things are better left to the professionals...

Funniest. Post. EVER!:rotfl:

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Never try out your newly purchased machete by whacking down overgrown banana trees around the pool while wearing flip flops. The resulting gash to the second toe will bleed profusely and leave an ugly raised scar.

*Sigh*...this was me:idea:...I'm so embarassed.

Love this thread! Keep it coming!

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Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.
From my old days in the ER, in a few major US cities, we have pulled out the following: gerbil, hamster, baby mouse, coca-cola bottle, pepsi bottle, candles, 14 inch long zucchini,salt and pepper shakers(of course, matching). These are just a few, too many to think of right now.

The best I forgot: a hamburger with the bun from a lady parts, soda bottles there also

curling iron, flat iron, blow dryer, broom handle, garden snake, cap from an industrial size TIDE bottle, TV remote control, carrotts, eggplant....... its amazing the things that people put in their butt and the famous line "i dont know how that got there"!!!! :lol2:

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Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.

Don't assume you can correct your own priaprism... you may end up with a penile fracture.

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Don't mix alcohol and homemade fireworks, it might lead to some loss of limbs!!

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Specializes in DOU.

I am only posting in this thread so it will be easy for me to find later on. It sure has been a great read! :)

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Specializes in LTC/rehab, ED, med-surg.

Never keep your capsaicin cream OR preparation H in the same location as your toothpaste. The poor, poor lady who brushed her teeth with capsaicin was in soooo much pain!!!! (BTW, capsaicin is an active component of chili peppers, the cream is used for neuralgia among other things)

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.

Don't leave a plateful of leftover chicken tenders out all night, put them back in the fridge in the morning, and then not tell your 3rd shifter wife who just woke up and has just sat down to eat them and relax until *after* she takes a few bites of one. :angryfire:madface::nono:

And ***DO NOT*** expect any sympathy when you procede to eat the rest and then complain that you're nauseated! :uhoh3::trout:

If he ends up in the ER with food poisoning, I'm telling them to use the biggest gauge IV needle they can and be sure to give him at least 1 IM shot in the butt! Grace will not extend any 'grace' for this! :uhoh3:

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If a bear wants the big fish you just caught. Give it the fish! Or your head will end up in it's mouth. (bad outcome)

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Specializes in RN CRRN.

Do not ask the nurse in front of the student nurse, "well she's not going to take the place of a REAL nurse is she?!" and procede to belittle and make snide remarks to her, then as she is feeding you your dinner throw up on her, make her sit with you (not a problem mind you) , then later cough up blood while she is holding your hand.

Then meet her later as a REAL nurse...

Do not come out to the desk and ask to have the Wi machine thing back because you already rented the games etc and yes you know there are other pp on the floor that want to use it-but see you rented these games already. Then when you finally get someone to get it for you from the little boy down the hall (your husbands kid is coming up to visit and loves to play with his dad who has had a stroke and is Exp A.) procede to ignore the pt and play all night in pts room as he tries to sleep. We arent stupid. But YOU are Rude.

Dont stock pile supplies in the closet for when you take your family member home, we know about the stash.

Do not ask the nurse "arent you going to check his arm band?" before she has a chance to set the pills down and open up her computer. It is kinda rude-kind of really puts it out there that you dont trust us. Do not proceedto ask what each pill is for when you are only a friend of the pt. It is none of your business.

Please dont keep coming in to see your kid while we are changing a PICC dressing stand over our shoulders and turn a fan onto our work area and a naked PICC line. Pt, who BTW ran from cops, crashed his vehicle, is narcissistic and asks veteran spinal cord injury team nurses if they really know how to transfer him to bed because you are hesitating his first night. Yes, we do. Yes we could have him in bed in 2 seconds. He would hurt but he wouldnt be harmed-we are just trying to evaluate the least painful way to get you into bed so you dont scream at us.

Dont come to rehab as a new SCI from another hospital, with a many sizes too big neck brace (that you could actually spin around her neck-it is sooo big--and ask "WHY wont you transfer me to the cart for a shower?" Uh cuz it is my license and not till you have a brace that fits, and you wouldnt want me too anyway.

Dont ask the nurse of the silent aspirator pt (your husband) every night if he can have gum or nuts. Just Dont.

Dont "i will just leave the bed alarm off while you are visiting your husband-you just call the desk before you leave so we can turn it on." Why cuz they never call!!!!&*#*%^&@!

Dont ask for ambien 2 lortab and xanax at one time. Again and again.

Dont call 911 because we haven't come to answer your call light yet. It has only been one minute. Oh and there was that pesky code next door to deal with. And dont ask us later what was going on.

Dont decide after you get in bed with 2 assist tfr that, Yes, maybe after all I would like to go to the bathroom, after it was strongly suggested to do so before bed-night after night after night. We understand that occasional instance. It is the not trying that gets us.

Dont as a SCI pt sit up in your WC all night post poning your shower or getting to bed with me as your nurse. It wont happen. Dont do this to the new nurse or float nurse on my weekends off. When I return you WILL have a decubitus. AND no your wife cannot blame me. ALSO do not ask us to get the hoyer to lay you down for 5 minutes (really happened-he tricked us-didnt know massage person coming) before we have to get you up for your massage. Then down again for 15 minutes then back up again for supper and be cool to us if we run late, because we are getting everyone else up for supper in a rush.

Dont ask us to refold your nylon athletic pants so they arent all messy as we are boosting you again because 'you were wrong, maybe you arent up too far in the bed, maybe you didnt need us to move you down in the bed, maybe we were right-when we nurses did raise the head of the bed you moved down on your own, now you ARE in a hole. and your feet are touching the bed. And no your catheter is not kinked, since we checked it 5 seconds ago.

Dont ask me why you need a bed alarm when we find your head at the foot of the bed and your feet at the head.

Dont get together with the other pts that your nurse has and conspire to all demand pills at 2030. I swear some nights......

Dont try to smoke in your room with towels against the door. Again, just dont. We will find you.

Dont be that inpatient husband of a pt who brings their finished dinner tray out to the desk every night and ask us to take, when every night we tell you they will come around to take it, and dont ask us then to lay her down, cuz she has to sit up for 30 min (just like last night) and then ask her nurse to come down and point her out to one of us when we ask who her nurse is, and then say "THAT HEAVY SET ONE OVER THERE." real loud. front of 15 pp. Wow she will rush right down there!

Dont hang out at the nurses station we arent your friends. Yes your son has been here 2 months but as you can see by all the charts in front of me, I DO have to plan your sons care.

Yes I love nursing and it is the above instances that endear it to me even more--makes us laugh and you get to join that comradery of nurses who put up with this stuff every day, and love doing so. Gets us through the really tragic and bad nights.

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Specializes in RN CRRN.

Dont call the nurse Eeyore because you dont know her name, because she has an Eeyore scrub top. All night long. It isnt funny, and you arent saying it to be funny.

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Specializes in RN CRRN.
Do not see several doctors and get prescriptions for Ambien from each, then go park your car someplace and take all of them, wake up in an ER, and tell the staff, "How did I wake up? I did all this research on Ambien!" And then, don't make it worse by asking the ER doc, "Can you tell me what kind of sleeping pill will kill me?"

If you get yourself drunk and decide to drive and roll your car, do not look up at your nurse in the ER and say "How come I never get the cute ones?" Your nurse will say, "Let me see what I can do," and go ask her older, overweight, balding, and bearded coworker to help her out......which he will do, gladly, when he finds out what you said.

As for the above, dont try something else when the pill thing doesnt work -like pouring gasoline on yourself and setting yourself on fire, and when you are recovering ask why the RNs always take the bandage scissors with them when they go. Sad!

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