Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

SCmomof3, RN · Jan 19, 2005

WHat a great thread! I've just read all of it over the span of a few days and have alternately been incredibly amused and really grossed out. Nothing to add, as I'm still a student :) but I look forward to more evidence of stupidity!

HazeK · Jan 23, 2005

t
never cut off all ten of your toes "for strictly artistic purposes"
oh, OUCH

medsurgnurse, RN · Jan 23, 2005

2. Never have your partner drink the sperm out of your orifice with a straw (called shrimping). You will become very ill!
I made it through the entire "gross nurse stories" without vomiting. But that made me retch. eeewww

johnr1953 · Jan 23, 2005

NEVER use a power stapler to upholster a wooden stool, utilizing your scrotum as the uphostery material...

(36 staples, firmly embedded... Yes, he was admitted to the psych ward after the doctor spent almost 3 hours carefully removing all of the staples with a pair of needle-nosed pliers!!)

:) John

adw_nurse · Jan 24, 2005

Man alive, the things people will do for some attention!
I could think of a lot better things to do than masterbate 30 times in one day, or drink my own 24 hour urine collection, and a whole host of other things mentioned.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly that a simple shower won't touch.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly, and your toenails to grow so long you wear shoes three sizes larger.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly the OR staff tease one another by asking if they took a shower today.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly you have to be scrubbed from head to toe with an OR prep scrub pad.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly when you are a diabetic.
Never allow yourself to get so dirty and smelly the doctor signs you out of the hospital even though you have a fever.
This all happened with my follow-through patient when I was in nursing school.
The odor was so bad it literally permeated the entire unit. His two brothers were the same way. That definitely was enough stink to inspire potential patients to choose to go to another hospital.
He had an ORIF of the elbow. I nicknamed him, "Pigpen" after the character in the Charlie Brown comic strip.
Fran:nurse:

I had a pt get admitted from the ED c/o abd pain N/V/D. We got him in bed, put on a gown. The RN did the initial assessment, took off shoes and I kid you know this persons toe nails were so long they curled like little pig tails. He had so much funk, for lack of a better word, growing in the curl that it looked like one solid chunk of grossness. His feet and legs were coated in this scale like funky dry skin. And of course, we needed to clean him up. Got some warm soapy water and let those things soak. My oh my, the toenails just crumbled. He told me about how he was a bachelor, spent his whole life taking care of his mother and father out at the farm. When they passed away he could not stay out at the farm anymore so he rented an apt. And unfortunately the shower was not suited to him, he was not small enough to fit in it. So, he would guess that it had been approx 7 years since he had washed his feet. "and did I mention that I was a bachelor"!!!!!!! So the doctor and charge nurse come in to visit with this pt. "how's that abd pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea sir??" asked the doctor. "oh, I have not had that problem for about a week now"

I think I had steam or something rolling out of my ears, because when I went up to the nursing desk, the doctor laughed and said I guess he just came in for a pedicure!!! :pukeface:

SCmomof3, RN · Jan 24, 2005

Blech!

bodango · Apr 27, 2005

Do not drag race your high school buddy and crash into the police chiefs house at 0200.

do not let your girlfriend who has braces perform oral sex on you in the backseat of an extended cab truck with 3 friends in the front. You will become "attached" and require a triage nurse to wheel you inn in a wheelchair while the girl walks backward stooped over covered with a sheet while her head is in your lap.

Do not keep those small bottles of shampoo and conditioner from the hotel on the side of the bathtub, when you slip in the shower they 3 of them will just slip right on in.Perfume bottles will go into the rectum but upon removal the diamond shape decorative lid stays inside.

when your headlight fuse blows do not replace it with a loaded .22 caliber shell the electricity will discharge the round and it may very well enter the scrotum.

Do not stick a beeper up your butt and then get mad at the surgeon when he asks you for the number so he can page you.

Do not call the DR office saying that your husband's girlfriend has Trich, and I was just wondering if the antibiotics she was prescribed will work for me also.

neneRN, BSN, RN · Apr 28, 2005

all true stories from pts I've had:

Do not come into the ER c/o abd pain, swear to the triage nurse that there is no way you could be pregnant, and then proceed to deliver your baby in the bathroom of the waiting room.

Do not come into the ER with severe lower abd pain and a raging fever and neglect to mention that a necklace pendant was inserted into your member the night before, only to be confronted with an Xray showing said pendant sitting in the bottom of your bladder.

Do not come into the ER c/o rectal bleeding and not mention that somehow the gear shift of your tractor had slipped into your rectum "when the tractor tipped over on top of me."

Do not come into the ER to be treated for chest pain if when your troponin comes back positive you plan on leaving AMA because "that doctor's only an ER doctor, he's not a cardiologist."

Do not drive your wife in your car to the ER when you notice that she is not breathing and has cold blue skin. Sometimes it really is okay to call 911.

Do not attempt suicide, get Baker Acted, get treated and released only to try it again the next week by laying on the train tracks- you will really be depressed when you survive and now have two less legs.

Do not come into the ER to visit your sister when she is in DKA with a glucose over 2000 if you plan on bringing her a grocery bag full of candy and snacks "in case she gets hungry."

jaimemds · Apr 28, 2005

never, ever stand on top of your trailer during a lightning storm and adjust your tv antenna with your car keys in your pants pocket. Tends to lead to being eletricuted with 3rd degree burns to the groin

mattsmom81 · Apr 28, 2005

Some of these stories are truly disgusting...there are indeed some very twisted folks out there.

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Apr 28, 2005

do not, under any circumstance, sit on the toilet for four days and four nights. especially not if your reason for sitting there is to look for god.
if you live with a close relative who is sitting on the toilet for four days and four nights, looking for god, do not bring him vodka and valium on a regular basis. do not crush up the valium, mix it in the vodka and squirt it into his mouth with your turkey baster.
while said close relative is sitting on the toilet in his search for god, do not use the bathtub as an alternative toilet. the feces or the toilet paper will plug the drain, the tub will overflow when you take a nice, long shower and the downstairs neighbor may call someone to investigate.
when close relative is admitted to the hospital for a butt debridement and sepsis, please do not bring all your friends to the icu so you can so them all his perfectly toilet-shaped a$$ decub -- especially after the nursing staff has just packed the decub with five or six rolls of saline-soaked kerlix for a wet-dry dressing.
yes, you can die from a "sore a$$"!
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do not sneak your yappy little dog into the icu to see "mama", then drop her on mama's roommate's bed for safekeeping while you and mama engage in some heavy petting. yes, she's a lovely dog but mama's roommate doesn't like dogs and didn't appreciate fluffy urinating on her!
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a foley catheter is not a funnel.
or a popsicle.
or an exciting "male enhancement."
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don't read this thread while drinking a coke unless you have plastic over your keyboard. (fortunately, i do!)
ruby

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: ruby, you rock girl. these are great!:rotfl: i was told a gross joke not so long ago that has traumatized ever since, and i can't get it out of my mind. when someone just mentions the word, "gerbil" i get sick to my stomach. what a nightmarish thing to do to the poor gerbil just so you can get an anal sexual thrill. yuck, yuck, yuck!:barf01: i will forever see what you told me when i see your face.:barf01: and to think when you were told the supposedly funny joke, you laughed at it.

nurse4theplanet, RN · Apr 28, 2005

An umbrella is no substitute for a parachute.

it always worked for mary poppins!!!!! Darn!