Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

LisaRN2B · Feb 18, 2004

Sounds like a great idea to me...... A never ending erection with a vibrating component....they just may have something there....

:rotfl: Gotta love it!!!!

MikeLPN · Feb 19, 2004

Gravity is not your friend.

zumalong · Feb 19, 2004

never evers from a former urology/trauma nurse

--never stick a tire gage up your male urethra to acheive instant orgasim--you may come but the gage will go up into your bladder and it won't be a pretty sight.

--never place a straw into your male urethra to help the "stone" up there come out. (especially since this old farmer used straw like hay not a drinking straw)

--never go for 10 days with an unrelieved erection when you have sickle cell disease--even if you are embarassed--having to debride the shaft because necrosis set in is even worse.

--never try to commit suicide by injecting your veins with old english furniture polish--thank God he was not an IVDA and couldn't find a vein--he only lost the upper third of his arm.

--finally--(even though I could go on for days with more)--never break your eye glasses into pieces and swallow them just so you can leave the jail and come to hospital for treatment (must have been in orientation when they were processed that if you come to hosp. you get out of jail free for a few pleasure filled days of being waited on by nurses and that when Dr. discharges you you have right to challenge this and most always end up with extra 24 hours of private room with a view)--anyways then never reswallow the pieces when you finally "pass" them because the trauma surgeon will become very PO'd and send you back to prison with an order for a large amount of laxatives and the axiom that if you passed your glass frames once--you can pass them again. :uhoh21:

**Please note that none of these situations were altered to protect the ignorant**

JacqueOCS · Feb 19, 2004

omg sumalong, those are unreal. it's amazing how ignorant people are. please share more!!

CountrifiedRN · Feb 19, 2004

Never let your cousin try to shoot anything off the top of your head with his new BB gun. If by chance you do, don't tell your mom that the resulting red lump and hole between your eyes is a zit that you tried to pop.

Don't ask the ER nurse "How in the world did THAT get in there?" referring to a bottle cap found in your lady parts. I think you already know the answer to that one. :rolleyes:

If you bring your child to the ER because he's been vomiting all day, please don't feed him cheetos while waiting in the lobby because he hasn't eaten all day and he's probably hungry. The next round of vomit will stain white nursing sneakers a ghastly shade of yellow.

BuffaloLPN · Feb 19, 2004

Never storm into the lobby of a Children's Hosp with a cigarette in your mouth demanding that security light it for you so you can go up to NICU to visit your "baby on crack, but don't worry... I was released from jail I didn't escape"

At least wipe the stool from your fingertips and the clave of the central line before denying that you put it there

coocooclown · Jan 13, 2005

:clown:

And to EMS:

NEVER bring the baby rattler into the ER in a coffee can alive and open the top allowing the snake to jump out and slither down the hall..while nurses are screaming all over the place...

:clown: Okay...What were they thinking....I think that it goes back to that sleep deprivation thing. I wouldn't go looking for the snake though.

ImaStork · Jan 13, 2005

Don't decide to shower after being out drinking most of the night, then pass out in the shower hitting head causing laceration. Your Pit Bull will eat your face off, literally. We saw the guy with his wife after the fact in our L&D. He looked like the worst burn victim I had ever seen. Was now legally blind.

kim1234 · Jan 13, 2005

Don't decide to shower after being out drinking most of the night, then pass out in the shower hitting head causing laceration. Your Pit Bull will eat your face off, literally. We saw the guy with his wife after the fact in our L&D. He looked like the worst burn victim I had ever seen. Was now legally blind.

Oh my gosh----shocking:o

begalli · Jan 13, 2005

Here's one.

When my dad was sick in the hospital I would travel to see him every few weeks for four months (~3800 miles round trip ). Every single time I went, whether he was in the ICU or on the floor, intubated or not, his mouth was ALWAYS disgusting! I'm talking caked on layers of crud that impaired his speech, swallowing, and breathing. :angryfire It would take me almost my entire 2 week visit to get his mouth cleaned up just to find it messed up again on my next visit.

One of the first times I approached him with one of those green sponges attached to a wall suction he gently grabbed my wrist and said please be careful and go slowly.

He was not intubated at that time and I was about to go on in like I do with my intubated patients and get in the back of his throat and moisten the inside of his mouth to loosen up some of the crud inside and suction some of it out.

I talked to him about it and he told me that those sponges hurt so bad and people would just come and stick them in his mouth and scrub like they were cleaning their toilet. When he could swallow he would get mucomyst mixed in orange juice and when he couldn't swallow he would get mucomyst breathing treatments. I asked whether or not he rinsed his mouth after these treatments and he replied that they never offered!! :angryfire This contributed greatly to the condition of his mouth. I would find the same bottle of mouth care stuff (dated!) sitting in his room unused during my visits and the same tube of damned tooth paste each time too!

Anyway...

So now when I go to do mouth care for my patients, especially a patient who cannot speak for themselves, I am very gentle and deliberate with what I use and how I use it.

I think that sometimes, we just need to slow down and think about what we're doing.

rsh3rn · Jan 13, 2005

Do not carry your illegal handgun in the front of your pants especially if the safety is off, didn't you see 8mile you will damage the goods and will require ice packs to your scrotum for an extended period of time (just yesterday) Also after you accidentally shoot yourself do not call both of your girlfriends to come and visit the resulting drama may impede your medical care

errn7 · Jan 13, 2005

Dont come to the ER to get a script for percocet filled that was stolen from another ER 30 miles away.

Dont use cold cream jars to hide your money in and then place them in your female "special place" GAWD the smell....

Dont walk on the train tracks carrying a stolen TV on your shoulder while high with your back to the on coming train.....

Always place the batteries inside the vibrator instead of in that "special place" first.....

Dont mow your yard with your husbands new John Deere lawn mower while "just having a few" and didnt see the retaining wall.........

Sometimes you are safer inside the car with your de-ranged wife instead of trying to jump out of a moving car and then having above de-ranged wife run over you......

Dont smoke while on O2 regardless ...........or at the very least if u survive you will have a nice permanent little nasal cannula groove on your face for yours to rest in.......

Never hold your husband's horse reins while standing between two horses least you loose your left nipple.........

Dont use fence wire to "self turp" yourself ........

My personal favorite and my kind of wife.....

Dont ask for the vibe back after the MD has removed it from your husband's back side and thrown it in the bio hazard bag.......just because its your largest and most favorite adult toy......LMAO