Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

nurse4theplanet, RN · Apr 28, 2005

Just today a patient taught me that spermacidal foam tastes like Downey.
EWWW
Dave

i don't know what's worse....the fact this person knows what spermacidal foam tastes like or the fact they know what DOWNEY tastes like?

fotografe · Apr 28, 2005

What you are getting in Mexico is not necessariyl what the package says. Be very careful of that.

I am curious about the Mexico comment. I got my lupron in Mexico and saved 200 dollars a dose. In the US it costs 300.00 a dose. It saved me from agony with endometosis.

susannyc · Apr 29, 2005

Don't get hign on crystal meth. It rots your teeth and decreases the chance that you will be able to have an erection. If you do get high and want to have an erection, duct tape and a lollipop stick, applied externally, are a better choice than a syringe filled with an unknown substance. Injecting the unknown substance into your member is not a good idea. The resulting erection will be the last you will ever have.

Arriving drunk at a psych hospital isn't a good idea, but it is routine. The staff will search you, and will confiscate any alcohol they find. Your copy of the AA bible is also subject to search. When the NA discovers that the book has been hollowed out and now contains a virtual pharmacy of illegal substances, offering him money to leave it with you will be used against you when you try to tell the admitting MD that you have reformed since your previous admission to this hospital.

Unscrewing the cover of the power outlet and sparking the wires therein to light an illicit cigarette is a bad idea. It will cause the charge RN and the supervisor to ban smoking on the unit PERMANENTLY.

:rotfl:

Heartman · Apr 29, 2005

Never wind up drunk in the ER telling the Doc to go **** himself repeatedly.

This angers the physician. The physician has pavulon and an Ambu bag. He whispers in your ear. " Now I'm breathing for you. Now I'm not."

Probably just one of those urban myths.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Apr 29, 2005

a pulse oximeter does not work when attached to a member. trust me on this one. (why is every little old man fixated on his member? why do they want to attach things to it?)

[color=#4b0082]

a pulse oximeter attached to a member is not very comfortable.

when seeing the little red light on the pulse oximeter attached to your member, it's not a good idea to attempt "kill that snake that's got my dick" by beating it to death with your metal bedpan. not only does it make an ungodly mess with loose stool flying everywhere, but you may injure your member.

after injuring your member by attempting to beat off a "snake" with a metal bedpan, do not then claim that the nurse did that to you. no one will believe you, you'll look like an absolute idiot, and the staff will be disinclined to believe you when you tell them that there's an intruder in your room stealing your stuff. (meet your doctor, joe!)

ruby (after 12 hours wrestling with an octagenerian who seemed so pleasant at 7 pm!)

AmyB · Apr 29, 2005

I am soooooooooooooo glad this thread has been brought back from the dead. You have the best stories ever, Ruby!!! :chuckle

CHIRN · Apr 29, 2005

Heartman,

The vision of that was hilarious. Thanks for the best laugh I've had all week!!!

elizabells, BSN, RN · Apr 29, 2005

Your nurse and her colleagues are NOT Satanic priests and priestesses who are going to sacrifice you at dawn and then eat your heart.

Speak for yourself, woman!

:chuckle

MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN · May 7, 2005

Do not get back together with the woman that stabbed you. She will probably get mad at you again and shoot you with a shotgun at close range causing you to lose both of your legs and your manhood.

If you're going to commit suicide, do it right the first time. Otherwise, you may end up on a ventilator, a vegetable, liver-less, or any combination thereof.

Do not lie about drinking or the amount of alcohol you drink. When you go into DT's, the staff will figure it out when you begin having seizures, yelling/saying crazy things, and end up in 4 point restraints with a posey vest.

Do not tell me you're not a smoker because you've decided to quit on the way to the hospital. The same goes for alcohol or drug use.

Do not let your wife use hospital serrated knives to clean your toenails. This is disgusting!

Do not tell the nurse/RT you're choking if you're talking to me or yelling at me. The same goes for shortness of breath.

Do not tell the nurse you need to pee if you have a foley. PEE ALREADY!!

Do not tell your family that the nurse removed your NG tube which is lying on your chest with coverlet still attached while in restraints. The nurse does not enjoy explaining to the family that the patient did it. The nurse, however, may enjoy re-inserting the NG tube without lubricant!

Do not mouth to the nurse repeatedly (due to trach) to call the police or an undertaker friend when you are experiencing ICU psychosis after being on a vent for 2 months. Nurses don't call the police for you, especially after you've thrown a vent at one. (I may however call the undertaker!)

Do not allow yourself to become obese. It does not do attractive things to private parts.

If you are >650lbs., do not act like you are enjoying it when it takes 5 nurses to find your member to insert a catheter. (2 to lift apron, 2 to press on groin to pop it out, and 1 to insert)

If you are >650lbs., do not decline a condom catheter. You will pee all over yourself and your bed causing your nurse to have to change you repeatedly. You will also get skin breakdown on your member.

If you are >650lbs., and cannot use a urinal because you cannot find your member, do not call your nurse "sweetie," "girl," "honey," or any other endearing term. She will not appreciate holding a urinal to your groin while being called pet names.

Necrotizing fasciitis of the scrotum and member is a horrible thing.

Do not tell your floor nurse you need more pain meds if you are on a PCA pump, having trouble staying awake, breathing slowly, and slurring your words. You may get moved to the ICU and receive Narcan.

It's best to keep your mouth shut while recovering from anesthesia. You may say hilarious things (at the top of your lungs) that will embarass you later!

If you are a 16 year old that has occasional "funny feelings" in your chest for several months with occasional trouble breathing, TELL YOUR PARENTS. If you have not told your parents, do not go to band practice and over-exert yourself in hot and humid weather by carrying about 100 lbs of instruments up a hill. You may experience sudden cardiac death due to undiagnosed valve problem. If you see this person collapse, do not stop people from doing CPR. Also, when you call 911, do not tell them it is heat stroke. EMS needs to know that there is no pulse and no breath! (Very sad story, but surprisingly recovered.) The resiliancy of youth!

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · May 7, 2005

Never take your goldfish out of the bowl and play with it on your tummy because it my "accidently" swim up your lady parts.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Wonder if it tickled her.:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · May 7, 2005

Make sure you tell the young intern not to use decadron when he's preparing to intubate you. Otherwise, when you are told very embarassing stories of the things you have done and said, you will not only be horrified:eek: , but you will be :imbar embarassed as well, and your actions will NOT be those of an :saint: angel.; no, actually, quite the opposite! :bugeyes: Been there done that. My family was royally entertaineed though.:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

MistyDawnRN06, BSN, RN · May 8, 2005

Do not let your nurse find you sitting on the floor, nude, restraints tossed across the room, giggling. She will not believe you when you say (with big grins and giggles) you didn't get out of that chair and that you don't know how you ended up on the floor. Saying "I didn't do it!" while laughing, is not a good excuse either. The nurse may be laughing too hard to get you off the floor! :chuckle

Do not stand nude in a public bathroom and try to bathe yourself in the sink. You will get more attention from security than you want! :rolleyes: