I am going through such a terrible time right now. One of my best friends has died, she had been very depressed, she didn't care anymore what happened to her, she didn't want to go on...I guess you can see where this is going, I can't say the words.
I am so distracted I can't think straight. Work yesterday was awful, I felt like a complete fool, I kept screwing up, it was one screw up after another, at the end of the day I was so exhausted with myself and so sick of myself, I felt like everyone was looking at me and calculating in their heads what a complete waste of space I am, I don't even belong in this profession, I should be banned for eternity from this profession.
I wanted to call someone and just talk and get my head pulled together, but there's no one to call, no one wants to talk abou this. She had long ceased to be a person that I could confide in, she was so wrapped up in her despair, but there was always her voice in my head, laughing and making some pithy remark about the ridiculousness of the world and setting me straight and making me feel better about myself, making me feel not so alone, I always knew she was out there and on my side.
I really felt that no one would understand what I was going through but another nurse, I wanted to call a friend who was a nurse, and I have some out there, someone who would understand this as a nurse would, but no one who would understand this as a person who knows me in my heart would. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I just feel like I have to put this out there into the world, I can't carry this burden alone anymore.
I can't even find any icons that match this situation.
I'm so glad you were able to take some time off and start to grieve. I'm so sorry about your loss. I totally agree that you need to find a professional to talk with, the EAP programs are very helpful. It's no shame to be strong enough to admit you need outside help.
Thank you all for your words of support. I have always been the kind of person that keeps slogging along no matter what. I have kept this to myself for several weeks, maybe because actually putting it out there would make it real. As soon as I posted it became real and I realized that I did have a legititame reason to be sad. And a complete dysfunctional mess.
I called my supervisor and asked her for tomorrow off, that will give me five days until I have to return. In the meantime I think I will find some kind of bereavement counseling so I can get a handle on this.
This has been my first step. I am so glad I had a place where I could take my first step.
Thanks so much all of you.
i'm glad you did too hun. grief is an incredibly heavy weight to bear. bereavement counseling helps alot, honestly, and it's usually available though your job if you work in a hospital (EAP). it's so hard with something like that to go through the what ifs of an unexpected death... you feel like you are in a daze. support groups are also very helpful.
i don't know if this will help you, but it's something i do every year that has helped me tremendously. i lost my high school boyfriend who was my very best friend when i was 21 in a drunk driving accident. after that, every year on the day he died, i write him a letter and put it in a helium balloon and let it go up in the sky. it is my way of saying that i haven't forgotton you, but i want you to be at peace. writing it all down is the way i've helped myself heal.
i will pray for you to find peace during this time. keep us posted on how you're feeling. god bless. :heartbeat
I agree wit Leslie. Check with your EAP at work. They are there to help. Take a walk, say a prayer, light a candle, whatever you can do. And by all means don't hold it in, find someone to talk to. Love and prayers sent your way!
does your work have a employee assistance program? Lots of time they have those options if you just need to talk to a counselor or therapist for a session or two.
I am sorry about the loss of your friend. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone has given you some great advice. I hope it will help you work through this very sad time in your life.
I am sorry for your loss. I am so glad you got the time off. Your post brings tears to my eyes. Recently I lost a relative to the same death as your friend and had to work the next day and it is so, so hard. I hope that you find peace and am so glad you are getting some real-life support. I will be thinking of you and I'm sending you a hug too.
i'm glad you did too hun. grief is an incredibly heavy weight to bear. bereavement counseling helps alot, honestly, and it's usually available though your job if you work in a hospital (EAP). it's so hard with something like that to go through the what ifs of an unexpected death... you feel like you are in a daze. support groups are also very helpful.
i don't know if this will help you, but it's something i do every year that has helped me tremendously. i lost my high school boyfriend who was my very best friend when i was 21 in a drunk driving accident. after that, every year on the day he died, i write him a letter and put it in a helium balloon and let it go up in the sky. it is my way of saying that i haven't forgotton you, but i want you to be at peace. writing it all down is the way i've helped myself heal.
i will pray for you to find peace during this time. keep us posted on how you're feeling. god bless. :heartbeat
What a beautiful way to remember your friend and help yourself heal. Mazy, I am glad you can take some time off and definitely look into the EAP, they are a tremendous resource. We are here for you.
Specializes in vascular, med surg, home health , rehab,.
i'm glad you did too hun. grief is an incredibly heavy weight to bear. bereavement counseling helps alot, honestly, and it's usually available though your job if you work in a hospital (EAP). it's so hard with something like that to go through the what ifs of an unexpected death... you feel like you are in a daze. support groups are also very helpful.
i don't know if this will help you, but it's something i do every year that has helped me tremendously. i lost my high school boyfriend who was my very best friend when i was 21 in a drunk driving accident. after that, every year on the day he died, i write him a letter and put it in a helium balloon and let it go up in the sky. it is my way of saying that i haven't forgotton you, but i want you to be at peace. writing it all down is the way i've helped myself heal.
What a beautiful idea and way to deal positively with the pain that those kind of anniversaries can bring. And what a lovely way top be remembered by someone.
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leslie :-D
11,191 Posts
mazy, call eap from your job.
they are there to help with these type situations.
and while your friend's death is a profound loss, you need to be able to grieve and also realize how unhealthy she really was.
wishing you peace, faith and strength in the days ahead.
leslie