I am going through such a terrible time right now. One of my best friends has died, she had been very depressed, she didn't care anymore what happened to her, she didn't want to go on...I guess you can see where this is going, I can't say the words.
I am so distracted I can't think straight. Work yesterday was awful, I felt like a complete fool, I kept screwing up, it was one screw up after another, at the end of the day I was so exhausted with myself and so sick of myself, I felt like everyone was looking at me and calculating in their heads what a complete waste of space I am, I don't even belong in this profession, I should be banned for eternity from this profession.
I wanted to call someone and just talk and get my head pulled together, but there's no one to call, no one wants to talk abou this. She had long ceased to be a person that I could confide in, she was so wrapped up in her despair, but there was always her voice in my head, laughing and making some pithy remark about the ridiculousness of the world and setting me straight and making me feel better about myself, making me feel not so alone, I always knew she was out there and on my side.
I really felt that no one would understand what I was going through but another nurse, I wanted to call a friend who was a nurse, and I have some out there, someone who would understand this as a nurse would, but no one who would understand this as a person who knows me in my heart would. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I just feel like I have to put this out there into the world, I can't carry this burden alone anymore.
I can't even find any icons that match this situation.
I had a similar situation- My step brother chose to end his life by suicide 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day.
The hurt does get a little less each day. Just remember it is ok to cry, laugh, scream, be angry, and any other emotion that you feel.
I found a local bereavement workshop about dealing with the holidays after a loss that was really helpful.
Since I did not attend the funeral I had my own " good bye" ceremony with candles at home. Writing a letter to the person that has gone is also helpful.
there are time when we have more than we can manage without some help..if you have no one close go to a therapist, if money is a problem find a free clinic,,
get some meds to bridge you over the worst part of painful experince
and yes palditutes are there for a reason...things get better with time
it puts distance between today and yesterday, you can invlove youurself with work that requires physical work and let your mind solve this
I'm so sorry for your loss, sweetie. I totally relate to how you deal with loss because I'm also someone who tends to keep it in and keep moving on no matter what which is the wrong way to deal with things.
Sharing with us what is going on is a great first step. I was going to suggest grief counseling and was happy to read you were going to go that route. You need to speak to someone. A suicude support group might also be of comfort to you.
You definititely need so time off and hopefully these 5 days help. Journal, take hot showers, eat right, exercise, watch funny movies...do whatever brings you joy and peace. PM anytime you need an ear. Hugs.
When our son committed suicide, we went to two groups. One was a group specifically for parents who lost children, but the other group was for anyone who's life had been profoundly affected by suicide. Check for groups in your area, I found the suicide group more helpful than the parents group.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Take time to come to terms with it. Don't forget to take care of yourself in the process.
I am going through such a terrible time right now. One of my best friends has died, she had been very depressed, she didn't care anymore what happened to her, she didn't want to go on...I guess you can see where this is going, I can't say the words.
I am so distracted I can't think straight. Work yesterday was awful, I felt like a complete fool, I kept screwing up, it was one screw up after another, at the end of the day I was so exhausted with myself and so sick of myself, I felt like everyone was looking at me and calculating in their heads what a complete waste of space I am, I don't even belong in this profession, I should be banned for eternity from this profession.
I wanted to call someone and just talk and get my head pulled together, but there's no one to call, no one wants to talk abou this. She had long ceased to be a person that I could confide in, she was so wrapped up in her despair, but there was always her voice in my head, laughing and making some pithy remark about the ridiculousness of the world and setting me straight and making me feel better about myself, making me feel not so alone, I always knew she was out there and on my side.
I really felt that no one would understand what I was going through but another nurse, I wanted to call a friend who was a nurse, and I have some out there, someone who would understand this as a nurse would, but no one who would understand this as a person who knows me in my heart would. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I just feel like I have to put this out there into the world, I can't carry this burden alone anymore.
I can't even find any icons that match this situation.
So sorry, Mazy, for your loss.
Many employers offer a free or low cost counseling service, perhaps phone based initially. I hope you use it, or something similar.
Take some time off, PTO if necessary. Diminished ability to concentrate is a normal part of grieving, so you aren't a bad nurse for having to grieve.
You say you felt as if your colleagues were looking at you as a waste of space, but let me field an alternate explanation. Perhaps they knew what you were going through, but didn't know how to approach you about it. Nurses, you would think, have lots and lots of training about grieving,but it isn't always so. Plus, dealing with patients is easier than dealing with valued co-workers and friends who we see every day.
I work in hospice, and I see death and grieving every day, but it doesn't prepare me for the times when it strikes close to home.
You couldn't have seen this coming. There are many success stories of people who suffer from depression and manage to keep their demons at bay with counseling and meds. But then there are also the tragedies such as your friend. I hope you can find peace. ((hugs))
i lost my high school boyfriend who was my very best friend when i was 21 in a drunk driving accident. after that, every year on the day he died, i write him a letter and put it in a helium balloon and let it go up in the sky.
What a wonderful idea!
I agree with other posters...EAP is the way to go. I've used it myself in similar circumstances and it really helped.
Thank you so much everyone for your support. I talked to my supervisor at work and told her i didn't think I could be a good nurse at this time. I am still reeling from the humiliation of my last day, when I was so out of it that I just kept screwing up so much. She put me on the telemetry unit for the next two weeks, I won't be doing direct patient care, just paperwork and monitoring EKGs. It's less money but I'll be getting out of the house and facing work again, which I think that if I were left to my own devices I might have convinced myself never to go back.
She did suggest EAP, but I wasn't sure what that was. Maybe I will look into it.
It's funny how you can underestimate people. I did end up talking to a nurse friend of mine, I hadn't wanted to becuase I thought the conversation would revolve around me explaining how messed up I was as a nurse, and not simply as a person experiencing something personal and difficult. It turns out she had been through something similar, and we talked on the phone for three hours. I feel like I have found a new and wonderful friend in this time when I have lost one.
My family continues to ask me what I want for Christmas, I told them I couldn't really think about that and I just wanted time. They seemed to accept that.
It is a beautiful idea to write a letter to my friend, brought tears to my eyes to think of that. I probably won't do it right now, my feelings are so jumbled and I feel like I am veering all over the place. But I look forward to the time when I can do that. It is something to think about that gives me a sense of peace.
In the meantime I got a DVD of the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my favorite show to watch when I feel down. I know that is a very weird thing for a woman of my age to find comfort in, but I'm just weird that way.
I did find a support group and will probably attend, although I have seen in the past that when it comes to addressing things like this in a real way, that I tend to convince myself that I'm OK as is. I will probably just force myself to go and just sit and listen.
Today I think I will go to the store and buy the necessities of life - kitty litter and cleaning supplies. Toothpaste and toilet paper. I haven't left the house in a while and things are piling up.
I am so sorry for your loss. My family has been hit hard by suicide. I was extremely depressed 10 years ago. The only thing that kept me from committing suicide was knowing that it would hurt my roommate, who lost her grandfather to suicide a few years earlier, and my mother, who lost 2 nephews to suicide in 5 years.
Does your employer have EAP? They might be able to recommend counseling. Maybe a suicide hotline could recommend a support group. At the very least, you should take some time off of work.
If you really can't talk to anyone, writing your friend a letter might help. Sometimes just putting things on paper can be cathartic.
I don't know if you're religious, but some churches have special Christmas services for people who are bereaved.
i am truly sorry about what you are going through. can you take a few days off? call your family doctor, start with them, he or she can point you in the right direction to speak with someone that can help you. you can't continue to go through this alone. i am glad you have decided to come here to talk. :icon_hug::icon_hug:
prowlingMA
226 Posts
I had a similar situation- My step brother chose to end his life by suicide 2 years ago, on Thanksgiving Day.
The hurt does get a little less each day. Just remember it is ok to cry, laugh, scream, be angry, and any other emotion that you feel.
I found a local bereavement workshop about dealing with the holidays after a loss that was really helpful.
Since I did not attend the funeral I had my own " good bye" ceremony with candles at home. Writing a letter to the person that has gone is also helpful.