The gift that keeps on hurting

Published

I am going through such a terrible time right now. One of my best friends has died, she had been very depressed, she didn't care anymore what happened to her, she didn't want to go on...I guess you can see where this is going, I can't say the words.

I am so distracted I can't think straight. Work yesterday was awful, I felt like a complete fool, I kept screwing up, it was one screw up after another, at the end of the day I was so exhausted with myself and so sick of myself, I felt like everyone was looking at me and calculating in their heads what a complete waste of space I am, I don't even belong in this profession, I should be banned for eternity from this profession.

I wanted to call someone and just talk and get my head pulled together, but there's no one to call, no one wants to talk abou this. She had long ceased to be a person that I could confide in, she was so wrapped up in her despair, but there was always her voice in my head, laughing and making some pithy remark about the ridiculousness of the world and setting me straight and making me feel better about myself, making me feel not so alone, I always knew she was out there and on my side.

I really felt that no one would understand what I was going through but another nurse, I wanted to call a friend who was a nurse, and I have some out there, someone who would understand this as a nurse would, but no one who would understand this as a person who knows me in my heart would. I'm not sure that makes sense.

I just feel like I have to put this out there into the world, I can't carry this burden alone anymore.

I can't even find any icons that match this situation.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

((((((hugs)))))) :icon_hug: Here's a big hug.

I'm sorry about your profound loss. We are here to support you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Peds Cardiology,Peds Neuro,Pedi ER,PICU, IV Jedi.

(((((Mazy))))))....so very sorry to hear of your loss. TheCommuter is right, we're here to support you, so when you need to talk - we're here. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, but I wish you all the best.

vamedic4

It's REALLY cold outside

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. if i could hug you right now i would.

take care of yourself. maybe you need a few days away from work to just take the time to greive and spend time with friends and family. the only way to help the hurt heal is to mourn for your friend and give yourself the time to heal. lean on those close to you at this tough time for support.

if you need a friend, feel free to PM me. i've been where you are.

sending lots of love your way hun.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in ED, ICU, PSYCH, PP, CEN.

I am so sorry about your loss. I have learned the hard way from experience that it is not a good idea to work when you are trying to deal with such a mind boggling experience.

Is there any way you can take a day or two off and regroup. Unfortunately a large part of our culture seems to say that we are not supposed to let things like this effect us. We are supposed to put on a happy face and keep going. I think this does more harm than good

We all need time to process tragedies and become adjusted. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. We care.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

You think you should have seen coming that your friend took her life. Very normal reaction but not so. I hope it will soon be replaced by anger/pity, then by acceptance/resolution. You're in a very uncomfortable spot just now and I hope it soon passes. Keep reaching out to share your shock, grief, horror, self of worthlessness, anger, etc. I'm very, very sorry about your loss and hope you will take a day or 2 off.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in LTC.

*hugs* I'll be keeping you in my thoughts at this hard time.

Take some time off of work so you can grieve.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

((HUGS)) what a rough time - be good to your self, this is a great place to vent, and get support

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Oncology, Cardiology, ER, L/D.

Mazy, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Hang in there sweetie and see if you can take some time off work to deal with this. You are in my prayers.

((((Mazy))):redbeathe

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Go see a therapist or counselor. There is a time in everyones life that problems can be so overwhelming you need professional help. Many of us here have been in therapy and it will help you sort things out. My heart goes out to you...redbeatheart.gif

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Thank you all for your words of support. I have always been the kind of person that keeps slogging along no matter what. I have kept this to myself for several weeks, maybe because actually putting it out there would make it real. As soon as I posted it became real and I realized that I did have a legititame reason to be sad. And a complete dysfunctional mess.

I called my supervisor and asked her for tomorrow off, that will give me five days until I have to return. In the meantime I think I will find some kind of bereavement counseling so I can get a handle on this.

This has been my first step. I am so glad I had a place where I could take my first step.

Thanks so much all of you.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Thank you all for your words of support. I have always been the kind of person that keeps slogging along no matter what. I have kept this to myself for several weeks, maybe because actually putting it out there would make it real. As soon as I posted it became real and I realized that I did have a legititame reason to be sad. And a complete dysfunctional mess.

I called my supervisor and asked her for tomorrow off, that will give me five days until I have to return. In the meantime I think I will find some kind of bereavement counseling so I can get a handle on this.

This has been my first step. I am so glad I had a place where I could take my first step.

Thanks so much all of you.

good for you. Counseling will hopefully help. Grief is never easy to deal with.

Good luck to you!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion