This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.
I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an Accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.
Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.
These are important things you need to discuss before getting married (ie: wife not working, sending income to spouse's family, etc).
As for now, I would just finish medical school. You are already this invested. As long as you have the grades, you can do this. Yes it will be hard, yes it is expensive, but you can do it.
If your wife isn't willing to help out, maybe it's time to find a new wife or at least seek marriage counseling. You shouldn't have to carry all of the burden and feel like you are alone.
I hate to say this, but I do agree with this observation. I am a Filipino and this doesn't seems right to me too. Although the cultural thing is present in our country, still, women work if they have to for their family. I myself wouldn't want that kind of a relationship where a partner is not willing to support or help. You shouldn't stop pursuing your career. If I have to be blunt I say get out as soon as possible, however, she's your wife. There must be a way you can both work around this matter. If not, there is Divorce.
Sorry if I am being disrespectful to your wife or if I hurt your feelings man, but that is what I can see from your story. There is really something fishy with your wife. You may have to really talk to her about her feelings and intentions for having a baby and wanting you to go to nursing(just to have more salary?).
You are also sending money to her family(cousins and aunts too?) while you are busting your ass trying to crawl your way to become a doctor? While she's at home facebooking? Sending money to your family is a tradition back home, I get that, because I do that too. However, I don't send money for my cousins and aunts. I send money to my immediate family, that's it. If my relatives needs help, fine I help if i can/i have the extra money, otherwise i don't. I don't know man, just doesn't sound right to me. I hope you get through this with or without your wife. Don't have a baby as long as you haven't resolve this and don't stop your schooling.
OP, good for you. She won't be complaining after you get your first check for residency (not much, but it's something) and she definitely won't be complaining when you get your first check as a doctor.
I hate that you feel you're going at this alone. I hope her heart softens as well. Best of luck.
There is a popular saying which says "when you go to Rome, do like Romans". You sound like a really good man. Your wife should realize that this is America and not Philippines if she had wanted that type of life style, she should have married someone from her country. These type of women kills their men slowly. I had an uncle with same exact case as yours, but his was pharmD. He regrets his marriage till now, the wife has been in America for over 15 years doing nothing, just enjoying wealth. Unfortunately now, business is not going well anymore, and this uncle of mine keeps regretting why he even married her in first place. I'm against divorce, but any woman that's not willing to help her man is not a suitable helpmate for him. Follow your dreams, and abstain from life of regret ten years from now. Peace
Hmmmm thinking out loud, her wanting a baby, are you sure she ain't pregnant for another man and wants to cover up immediately..no offense, but thinking out loud
Having a child would absolutely NOT make anything better. Having a child only makes life more stressful. That is another life to care for & pay for! If you don't have the funds to care for each other, how are you two gonna care for a newborn?
If she refuses to go to counseling I would skip go, do not collect $200 & get a divorce. You do not sound happy at all. You deserve to be with someone who is going to support you 500% & not on their terms.
I agree with this! Imagine you have a child, you and her don't work things out and your left working a job that isn't what you want. You will hate your life. Find a way to make becoming a doctor work. If she loves you she should be supportive of this.
When my wife tells me it's a cultural thing, I'm starting to doubt this. She would counter by saying those Filipinas at our church have been tainted by American culture and they don't value family as much as they should. I see her point, but working puts food on the table and her staying home isn't helping our family if we can't pay our bills when my savings runs out.
My Filipino friend read this and says you're being taken. Those cultural things only hold true once baby is here. She says her American hubby would have tossed her over such behavior. Food for thought
100% Filipina here. I work fulltime night shift, have 3 kids-- 12, 5 and 2 yr old and I am in nursing school too. My husband is also a filipino and works fulltime, we are both religious and practical. Not to be rude here but tell your wife shes not living in 1920's anymore and shes currently living in America so she needs to set aside that "cultural thing" and leave it in PI which i honestly think and positively aware thats not the norm in that country anymore. Since she knows that her family there needs some financial assistance, why wont she look for a job to help them and not to rely on your money. Follow your dreams and dont let her control you. She is wise but be cautious and smart.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
Thanks so much for everyone's willingness to share your thoughts. You have all encouraged me greatly. That really means a lot to me at a low time in my life/marriage here. Yes, I would like my wife to be supportive and yes she (ideally) should be able to consider my dreams and goals and calling. But it seems she is unable. I don't know why. Maybe emotional immaturity, selfishness, or a painful, poverty-stricken upbringing… I'm not sure. I'm not making excuses for her. It hurts of course. It hurts to see that a spouse can put the blinders on and demand so much from another who is always doing the best he can. At this point, I plan to remain in medical school and I am in prayer asking God to keep me humble and loving toward my wife… as I patiently wait and hope that my wife's heart will soften so that we can have some peace in our home. When I asked my wife yesterday whether she was sincere in asking me to quit medical school and return to chiropractic or pursue nursing school, she said "sort of… after all… you want me to work and I don't think I should be forced to work and so it's better that you quit school and go to work for us." It hurts when she attacks me so frequently… telling me that "real men" work and don't go to school and real men ask their wives to work as she sits home and does Facebook for the whole day. Telling me that i must send more and more money to Philippines when I'm not working. I will do my best to stand my ground, doing what I can to send money to her family (only $150/month from my fast-dwindling savings account) and continue with my medical schooling. I have the first part of my boards exam in May.
I think I must ask my wife to get back on the pill or sadly refuse to have relations until we are at peace within our home and ready to have a child. Maybe my thinking and my plans seem foolish to those who would be quick to run the other way toward divorce, but I do believe in the commitment of marriage (my mother and father were never married and I never knew my dad) and I try to imagine how wonderful it will be when my faithfulness to my wife and humility might soften her heart through God's grace and we can be a team together and pull the same direction and have a family when the time is right. Again… spiritual matters may seem foolish to those who are not of that understanding, but for those of you who seek to know the Lord and who also pray for others… will you please pray for me and for my wife? Surely the Lord is able and willing to answer prayers said sincerely for anonymous people! I sure do appreciate your time and your kindness.
I think you need to realize when you are being played. I know religion is playing a big part here but at some point you need to look yourself in the eyes & ask "Why am I really married to this person?" , "Is she making me a better person?". She isn't willing to go to counseling & she is making up excusing for everything at every turn. Why stay with her? She sounds like a succubus. You could find someone who will make you a better person, be part of your team & not work against you. Because that's what marriage is about.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
Your wife sounds manipulative and lazy. Sorry that is blunt but I feel it's true. I know several Filipina women who work outside the home and pull their weight.
You have enough problems, PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD do NOT add a baby to the list. You have virtually NO income, cultural differences you have yet to overcome and marital issues that will only multiply with the addition of a baby.
You have the right to pursue your desire to be a doctor. She should be supporting that and you can put off having the kid til you are on more stable ground financially and further along in your training as a doctor.
I would seriously consider if this is what you want for the rest of your life. A woman who tells you want SHE wants, does not consider YOUR wishes, and gives you the silent treatment for days when she does not get her way.
Maybe you do. But I would wait on having the kid til she grows up some.
I wish you the best. Sorry if this is too blunt, but I think you need a wake up call. Don't give up your dreams now, or you will be very resentful later. It will all catch up to you and sadly, you may find yourself in divorce court with a couple of kids (sadly) and a lot of property between you to work out.
Work this stuff out NOW or get out and find a woman who can at least support you as much as you are willing to do so for her. It should be a partnership, not a manipulation to get you to give up everything to make her happy.
oh gosh you are really being taken for a ride OP! I'm so sorry to say it but the best thing you can possibly do right now is to not have a baby with this woman! If that happens you will be tied together for the rest of your lives and that is not something you should even consider. You have already heard from everyone telling you everything you need to hear, I guess I'm just going to add to the pile of Please Get Out comments.
You sound like a nice person but to be honest nice only goes so far and then patsy comes in. She is playing you for a sucker! Marriage is about meeting each other, it is rarely halfway sometimes it is 70/30 but it shouldn't always be the same person giving in the same amount, and in your case you are giving in 100% on everything! She doesn't want to work so she doesn't work even though you ask her to. She claims she might not get pregnant if she works which is a pile of boohockey to anyone in the Real World. She wants to send YOUR money overseas even though you can't afford it and don't want to, so she again gets her way 100%. She doesn't want counseling, you do, she wins 100%. She chooses your church, you want to access marriage resources there and she doesn't so she again wins 100%. She is even telling you that your goals of becoming a medical doctor should take a back seat to her goals of sitting at home on her butt??? That is just Too Far. Stop giving because she sure isn't going to stop taking!
If you give in to her unreasonable demands you will not have the career you want and you will still have debt and bills to pay plus be raising a child that may or may not even be yours while she watches television. She did really well in marrying you but I have to believe you can do better, much much better!
NurseEmmy
271 Posts
These are important things you need to discuss before getting married (ie: wife not working, sending income to spouse's family, etc).
As for now, I would just finish medical school. You are already this invested. As long as you have the grades, you can do this. Yes it will be hard, yes it is expensive, but you can do it.
If your wife isn't willing to help out, maybe it's time to find a new wife or at least seek marriage counseling. You shouldn't have to carry all of the burden and feel like you are alone.