switch from medical school to nursing?

[gj101]

This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.

I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.

Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.

thanks!

-greg

[hstutz86]

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I would prefer to continue with med school and I would feel regret if I bailed for a different route.

I am enjoying med school and I am doing v. well. I think our biggest issue is a marriage/communications issue. I would prefer for my wife to work for the next 2 years so that we could have a baby when I start residency, but my wife continues to say that I'm not sensitive to her culture when I suggest this. She also tells me I am putting career first and family second when I suggest that we delay having a child until I am able to draw an income. At any rate… thanks for your reply.

simple continue and finish medical school. Tell your lazy ass wife to work and help you out!

[ProgressiveThinking, MSN, CRNA]

Okay... I work with a ton of Filipinos and and have a ton of Filipino friends. I think the exact opposite is true. We have a TON of female filipino nurses who are the primary bread winners and their husbands stay at home. Sounds like you just didn't luck out like those husbands did.

[APRN., DNP, RN, APRN, NP]

I think we have another classic "(rhymes with witch) and Ditch" thread.

[petunias]

If family is important to her, than why isn't she pulling her weight and helping YOU. Her husband. You are her family.

Don't give up your dreams and hard work because it fits HER agenda. It seems like she only cares about herself.

Does she ever ask what matters to you? What you want and desire? Can she ask without getting upset and arguing with you? If not, I would seek counselling ASAP.

It seems like she is using you, and has gone as far as using emotional abuse to "win" (silent treatment). Having a baby won't solve anything, and spending 12 hours a day of Facebook is ridiculous. She can pull her weight and help pay the bills. She doesn't need to be off work to try for a baby.

[CNC_1989]

I can relate because my ex husband wasn't supportive at all when I told him I wanted to be a nurse. Sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves, this doesn't make us selfish. If your wife truly loved you then she would support you. If I were you I'd put my foot down or leave. Also, whatever you do don't have a baby right now.

[missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN]

OP, It's going to take just as long to finish nursing school as it is to finish medical school right now. Your income, no matter which path you choose to go, is still going to equal 0.

If she wants you to be the provider so she can be a stay at home mom, then you also must make the decisions for the family. Stay in medical school. It will take you at least 2 years to finish nursing school, nursing school is not easy, and you will have to completely change your way of thinking about the patient.

I think the issue here is your marriage, and it sounds like maybe your wife feels you are putting her second due to school and study requirements. Assure her that is not the case, and that you are doing this for your family. If she refuses to work, accept it, but let her know that it makes these next two years financially tight. It is what it is. You can't force her to get a job, she can't force you into nursing school.

Marriage is difficult. I don't pretend to know your situation, but I know you must have married her because you love her. Hold on to that, don't have a child in the next 2 years, and get through medical school. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Purple_roses]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. What drew us together was our common religious faith. I wish we could find more common ground than we have found. It's tempting to think that having a child will solve problems… my wife tells me she will be happier when we have a child. Although hearing this from her when she says it in anger sounds almost like a threat. I do believe that counseling would help. I have asked our Filipino pastor (wife found a Filipino church for us which we both love) to help us with counseling so we could communicate better with each other. Pastor is very glad to help, but my wife absolutely refuses to have counseling b/c she says that other people have their own problems… they are not perfect either… she is a private person… the church people would talk, etc. I tell her that these excuses are silly and that our marriage is important enough so that we should not let these concerns prevent us from getting counseling.

I also know many Philippine women at our church who work (several of whom are nurses). They enjoy working hard… even with young children. When my wife tells me it's a cultural thing, I'm starting to doubt this. She would counter by saying those Filipinas at our church have been tainted by American culture and they don't value family as much as they should. I see her point, but working puts food on the table and her staying home isn't helping our family if we can't pay our bills when my savings runs out.

Go to medical school.

[RNdynamic]

greg,

Finish medical school. If you drop out now, you are extraordinarily likely to regret doing so down the road. You are going to forever wonder and worry about what your life would have been like if you became a doctor. Nursing isn't bad, and despite a lot of changes in the field, medicine is still where the money is at. The autonomy you will have in medicine won't even compare to the lack thereof in nursing.

As for your wife, what the hell does she do all day? She doesn't work, she doesn't have kids, and there is only so much cleaning that needs to be done in a child-free household. "She is trying to get pregnant." So what does that mean? She has spend each entire day watching dirty videos until you get home? She needs to get off her duff and start helping out.

Do not drop out of medical school on account of her laziness.

Best of luck.

[DeeninNurse]

To the OP:

I also am a very religious person and to my knowledge it seems like you guys are Catholic. I know the traditional view is that marriage is about working it out and you should never get divorced. I also believe that you should work as hard as you can to avoid divorce, but to me it seems like your wife is using you. I live in California and I honestly can say the majority of nurses I see are from the Philippines. Marriage is a partnership and the most important part of that partnership is compromise. You have to give some and take some. You have to sacrifice certain things. From what I hear and I've worked as a counselor and a teacher, she is using everything she can to manipulate you. She is being very childish to give you the silent treatment and she blames it on "culture." That is a lie. That is her own emotional issue. You need to seek out counseling IMMEDIATELY and it should not be someone at church, that way she has no excuse not to go. If she still refuses, I would leave this woman. She is not worth your time or your money. You have a good head on your shoulders and God has blessed you with the opportunity to become a medical doctor. I have traveled outside of the USA and I have seen so many people who would die for the chance you're getting. Stick out the two years and get it done. If my wife or husband had a dream, the last thing I would worry about was finances. I would work my butt off to make sure my wife is able to accomplish her dreams and I feel your wife should too. If she is traditional and doesn't like working outside of the house, she should look for a job where she can work from home. The last advice I can give you brother, DO NOT HAVE A CHILD. You are only setting yourself up for a life of hell. No disrespect but your wife seems very conniving. She will DEFINITELY use the child to manipulate you. Don't think for a second that having a baby is going to solve your issues. It's only going to INCREASE them. Do you know how many sleepless nights you're going to have? On top of this, no disrespect again to the women here but there are many HORMONES that increase and decrease while pregnant. If you think your wife is bad now, you have something coming for you buddy. Also, after birth, a lot of women have the baby blues. Not all of them, but some. I can only imagine if this happens with your wife. You're in big trouble buddy. I'm sad to see you haven't posted in a while, my concern is your wife is pregnant and now you are in a hell hole. I pray everything is good and if you need direct advice, don't hesitate to PM me. God bless.

[gj101]

Thanks so much for everyone's willingness to share your thoughts. You have all encouraged me greatly. That really means a lot to me at a low time in my life/marriage here. Yes, I would like my wife to be supportive and yes she (ideally) should be able to consider my dreams and goals and calling. But it seems she is unable. I don't know why. Maybe emotional immaturity, selfishness, or a painful, poverty-stricken upbringing… I'm not sure. I'm not making excuses for her. It hurts of course. It hurts to see that a spouse can put the blinders on and demand so much from another who is always doing the best he can. At this point, I plan to remain in medical school and I am in prayer asking God to keep me humble and loving toward my wife… as I patiently wait and hope that my wife's heart will soften so that we can have some peace in our home. When I asked my wife yesterday whether she was sincere in asking me to quit medical school and return to chiropractic or pursue nursing school, she said "sort of… after all… you want me to work and I don't think I should be forced to work and so it's better that you quit school and go to work for us." It hurts when she attacks me so frequently… telling me that "real men" work and don't go to school and real men ask their wives to work as she sits home and does Facebook for the whole day. Telling me that i must send more and more money to Philippines when I'm not working. I will do my best to stand my ground, doing what I can to send money to her family (only $150/month from my fast-dwindling savings account) and continue with my medical schooling. I have the first part of my boards exam in May.

I think I must ask my wife to get back on the pill or sadly refuse to have relations until we are at peace within our home and ready to have a child. Maybe my thinking and my plans seem foolish to those who would be quick to run the other way toward divorce, but I do believe in the commitment of marriage (my mother and father were never married and I never knew my dad) and I try to imagine how wonderful it will be when my faithfulness to my wife and humility might soften her heart through God's grace and we can be a team together and pull the same direction and have a family when the time is right. Again… spiritual matters may seem foolish to those who are not of that understanding, but for those of you who seek to know the Lord and who also pray for others… will you please pray for me and for my wife? Surely the Lord is able and willing to answer prayers said sincerely for anonymous people! I sure do appreciate your time and your kindness.

[gj101]

One poster commented that she had 5 children and worked though all 5 pregnancies. That is remarkable sacrifice you made to help your family. I can hardly imagine what that was like! I sure do hope that your valiant efforts are recognized and emulated by your children in the future! My best wishes to you! Other comments really made me laugh and I sure did need a good laugh… "wife is a succubus"!! That was pretty funny. Another post indicated that "I am her family"… meaning that I and we (my wife and I, together) are just as important as her family back in the Philippines. This is exactly what I told my wife in the past as I have tried to plead or reason with her to consider our needs and our situation just as important as that of her family back in the Philippines. I hope that she can understand this line of reasoning and take it to heart.

Thank you for caring about my situation and I do appreciate every single post and I also appreciate the time that everyone has taken on our behalf. That means a lot to me and has given me strength. Wife still refuses counseling and also refuses marriage retreats and seminars sponsored by various churches. I'm hoping that this sort of thing will help us communicate better and find common ground. I did have a chance to pray and talk with the older lady (just lost her husband of 37 years) in the apartment downstairs from us yesterday. That helped me.

[WanderingWilder, ASN]

One poster commented that she had 5 children and worked though all 5 pregnancies. That is remarkable sacrifice you made to help your family. I can hardly imagine what that was like! I sure do hope that your valiant efforts are recognized and emulated by your children in the future! My best wishes to you! Other comments really made me laugh and I sure did need a good laugh… "wife is a succubus"!! That was pretty funny. Another post indicated that "I am her family"… meaning that I and we (my wife and I, together) are just as important as her family back in the Philippines. This is exactly what I told my wife in the past as I have tried to plead or reason with her to consider our needs and our situation just as important as that of her family back in the Philippines. I hope that she can understand this line of reasoning and take it to heart.

Thank you for caring about my situation and I do appreciate every single post and I also appreciate the time that everyone has taken on our behalf. That means a lot to me and has given me strength. Wife still refuses counseling and also refuses marriage retreats and seminars sponsored by various churches. I'm hoping that this sort of thing will help us communicate better and find common ground. I did have a chance to pray and talk with the older lady (just lost her husband of 37 years) in the apartment downstairs from us yesterday. That helped me.

If she won't go to counseling that doesn't mean you can't go to one alone. Also I'd consider if she would lie about taking birth control pills, so if you aren't going to be trying you may want to use a condom to be sure. She sounds manipulative.