switch from medical school to nursing?

[gj101]

This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies.

I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue.

Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions.

thanks!

-greg

[devorahna]

Do not leave medical school and do not have a child right now. I suggest you and your wife seek marriage counseling. WHile it may be cultural for her not to work (and Im not sure this is true because I have met Filipina women who are married with families and work full time), this is america, not the filipines. Perhaps take some living expense loans while you finish med school, if she absolutely will not work.

[bugya90, ASN, BSN, LVN, RN]

1. If you want to be a MD I highly suggest finishing med school. You are over halfway there and will get a salary (although small compared to the amount of hours you have to work) in residency.

2. I've actually worked with Filipino women, I lived in a military town for awhile. It is traditional that they stay home to raise the kids, however they all worked prior to having kids (many worked for the first several months of pregnancy) and they normally go back to work when the kids are a little older and are in school. Your wife sounds like she's not willing to pull her weight.

3. They do send money back home for their family. However, if you are not able to pay your own bills you shouldn't be sending any money anywhere.

4. Don't have a baby if you neither of you actually have a job. As anyone who has a baby will tell you, kids are expensive!

My blunt advise: wife needs to get on board or you need to get a divorce attorney. Either way, finish med school, become a doctor and live the life you want.

[OrganizedChaos, LVN]

My blunt advise: wife needs to get on board or you need to get a divorce attorney. Either way, finish med school, become a doctor and live the life you want.

Glad I'm not the only one thinking it. You just had more balls than me to say it. Hahaha! [emoji12]

[gj101]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. What drew us together was our common religious faith. I wish we could find more common ground than we have found. It's tempting to think that having a child will solve problems… my wife tells me she will be happier when we have a child. Although hearing this from her when she says it in anger sounds almost like a threat. I do believe that counseling would help. I have asked our Filipino pastor (wife found a Filipino church for us which we both love) to help us with counseling so we could communicate better with each other. Pastor is very glad to help, but my wife absolutely refuses to have counseling b/c she says that other people have their own problems… they are not perfect either… she is a private person… the church people would talk, etc. I tell her that these excuses are silly and that our marriage is important enough so that we should not let these concerns prevent us from getting counseling.

I also know many Philippine women at our church who work (several of whom are nurses). They enjoy working hard… even with young children. When my wife tells me it's a cultural thing, I'm starting to doubt this. She would counter by saying those Filipinas at our church have been tainted by American culture and they don't value family as much as they should. I see her point, but working puts food on the table and her staying home isn't helping our family if we can't pay our bills when my savings runs out.

[OrganizedChaos, LVN]

Having a child would absolutely NOT make anything better. Having a child only makes life more stressful. That is another life to care for & pay for! If you don't have the funds to care for each other, how are you two gonna care for a newborn?

If she refuses to go to counseling I would skip go, do not collect $200 & get a divorce. You do not sound happy at all. You deserve to be with someone who is going to support you 500% & not on their terms.

[Sweetbeth]

You need to finish medical school, you have invested a lot into becoming a doctor and am sure whether your wife know it now or not it will be better for her to be the wife of an attending physician earning 250k a year. Nothing comes so easy I want to have kids now and live in a big house but I have to wait to build the future I want.

Don't allow your wife's inpatience and lack of foresight discourage you. Go on with your plans and tell your wife to get a job, she is supposed to support you and not bring you down.

[Sweetbeth]

If your wife refused to get a job to support the family but prefer you giving up on your dreams for her immediate needs then it's time to reassess your marriage and why you married her in the first place!

[NurseGirl525, ASN, RN]

First question if I may ask, how did you meet your wife? Why is she here in America if she loves the way it is done her home country?

Im not trying to pry or be rude, but you have an awesome future ahead of you. Please don't waste it. Some day, years down the road, you will wake up and have regrets from your life with this woman if you don't follow your dreams. I am normally all for doing things together in a marriage, and doing everything to save a marriage, but hearing your situation makes me think that you are being taken advantage of.

At least try counseling from a neutral third party. Please look for a licensed counselor. Do not try to have a child. It is a way for your wife to take bigger advantage of you. Search the Philippino nursing forum here. There are plenty of women from that culture that work. She does not need to not work because she is trying to get pregnant. That is hogwash.

Please get counseling. I know it's hard. If she won't go, just go for yourself. You need to be able to talk to a third party. And one that is neutral. I wish you the best of luck.

[bugya90, ASN, BSN, LVN, RN]

Marriage is all about teamwork. It is a two person game and if one player is not willing to put in the work the marriage will fail eventually. From the sounds of your post it sounds like you know which route is best for you and were maybe hopefully by we would convince you stay in your marriage and settle for nursing. Nursing is a great career, good job market, decent pay, flexible hours depending on job, etc. however, you are two years away from receiving your doctorates and beginning residency. You've worked too hard to give up now. Your income will be much greater as a physician and you have a much better chance of being able to support a stay at home wife at that point. If she is truly not willing to go to counseling, get a job to put food on the table, or put off having kids until you're done with school then you need to do some serious soul searching.

It's great that you two share the same religion, however if you can't communicate or talk openly without receiving verbal threats then common interests mean nothing. This may be the hardest choice you will ever have to make in your personal life so don't take it lightly but really think about everything and decide what is best for YOU in the long run.

[vanilla bean]

It's tempting to think that having a child will solve problems…

As much as I dislike "Dr. Phil," there is one sentiment that I've heard attributed to him that I agree with wholeheartedly: a child shouldn't be born with a job. A child shouldn't be born with the burden of being responsible for making someone happy or solving relationship problems. The parents have a duty to the child and not vice versa.

I live and work in an area heavily populated by Filipinos and it has been my experience that they are some of the hardest working people in my community. The Filipina nurses that I work with often have multiple jobs. They take care of their children, work hard, and help support family back in the Philippines by sending money and goods when able.

It sounds like your wife is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you. Only you can know what will truly make you happy, but if your wife can't get on board with pulling her weight in the relationship, then you may have to choose between her and your career.

[NV Nurse]

I find this discussion interesting and in conflict with the strong, hard working Filipinas I know... These nurses (my frame of reference) work full time hours and most carry a per diem job. This enables them to support their families here and aboard. Honestly this is the cultural dynamic I am aware of...

Here's my advice, since you asked for it...

1. If you like med school and want to be an MD,stay there! Nurses are not doctors...if you want to be an MD, being an RN may be abject hell for you (like being an MD would be for me, I love being an RN[emoji3]).You have two years of med school left, once in residency you will earn income... If you switch to a BSN program, by the time you apply and get accepted, you will have put on 2.5-3.5 years...

2. Do not bring a baby into this mess! You think marriage and med school are stressful? They've got nothing on a newborn. My daughter is 4 years old and my hubby and I have been married for 13 years. We are first and foremost a team! Our team work allowed me to go back for my Masters when my kiddo was 1. We are solid emotionally and financially, without that, trying to work, raise a child, and care for a marriage would be hard if not impossible.

3. Work on your marriage. It sounds like you are not on the same page. Go to counseling... Decide if this is the life that you both want... If you don't, really avoid impregnating her (once you do, she's in your life for a minimum of 18 years, realistically shes in forever)...

BTW, the saddest part of your post, I hear resentment, but no love for your wife...

[Birthday_Girl]

Run now and run fast. Because the reality is, if you two have a child together, it will not cure the problems that exist in your marriage. In fact, it will cause all of those problems to rise to the surface, but now you have a small, vulnerable child relying on you.