gj101

One poster commented that she had 5 children and worked though all 5 pregnancies. That is remarkable sacrifice you made to help your family. I can hardly imagine what that was like! I sure do hope that your valiant efforts are recognized and emulated by your children in the future! My best wishes to you! Other comments really made me laugh and I sure did need a good laugh… "wife is a succubus"!! That was pretty funny. Another post indicated that "I am her family"… meaning that I and we (my wife and I, together) are just as important as her family back in the Philippines. This is exactly what I told my wife in the past as I have tried to plead or reason with her to consider our needs and our situation just as important as that of her family back in the Philippines. I hope that she can understand this line of reasoning and take it to heart. Thank you for caring about my situation and I do appreciate every single post and I also appreciate the time that everyone has taken on our behalf. That means a lot to me and has given me strength. Wife still refuses counseling and also refuses marriage retreats and seminars sponsored by various churches. I'm hoping that this sort of thing will help us communicate better and find common ground. I did have a chance to pray and talk with the older lady (just lost her husband of 37 years) in the apartment downstairs from us yesterday. That helped me.

Thanks so much for everyone's willingness to share your thoughts. You have all encouraged me greatly. That really means a lot to me at a low time in my life/marriage here. Yes, I would like my wife to be supportive and yes she (ideally) should be able to consider my dreams and goals and calling. But it seems she is unable. I don't know why. Maybe emotional immaturity, selfishness, or a painful, poverty-stricken upbringing… I'm not sure. I'm not making excuses for her. It hurts of course. It hurts to see that a spouse can put the blinders on and demand so much from another who is always doing the best he can. At this point, I plan to remain in medical school and I am in prayer asking God to keep me humble and loving toward my wife… as I patiently wait and hope that my wife's heart will soften so that we can have some peace in our home. When I asked my wife yesterday whether she was sincere in asking me to quit medical school and return to chiropractic or pursue nursing school, she said "sort of… after all… you want me to work and I don't think I should be forced to work and so it's better that you quit school and go to work for us." It hurts when she attacks me so frequently… telling me that "real men" work and don't go to school and real men ask their wives to work as she sits home and does Facebook for the whole day. Telling me that i must send more and more money to Philippines when I'm not working. I will do my best to stand my ground, doing what I can to send money to her family (only $150/month from my fast-dwindling savings account) and continue with my medical schooling. I have the first part of my boards exam in May. I think I must ask my wife to get back on the pill or sadly refuse to have relations until we are at peace within our home and ready to have a child. Maybe my thinking and my plans seem foolish to those who would be quick to run the other way toward divorce, but I do believe in the commitment of marriage (my mother and father were never married and I never knew my dad) and I try to imagine how wonderful it will be when my faithfulness to my wife and humility might soften her heart through God's grace and we can be a team together and pull the same direction and have a family when the time is right. Again… spiritual matters may seem foolish to those who are not of that understanding, but for those of you who seek to know the Lord and who also pray for others… will you please pray for me and for my wife? Surely the Lord is able and willing to answer prayers said sincerely for anonymous people! I sure do appreciate your time and your kindness.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. What drew us together was our common religious faith. I wish we could find more common ground than we have found. It's tempting to think that having a child will solve problems… my wife tells me she will be happier when we have a child. Although hearing this from her when she says it in anger sounds almost like a threat. I do believe that counseling would help. I have asked our Filipino pastor (wife found a Filipino church for us which we both love) to help us with counseling so we could communicate better with each other. Pastor is very glad to help, but my wife absolutely refuses to have counseling b/c she says that other people have their own problems… they are not perfect either… she is a private person… the church people would talk, etc. I tell her that these excuses are silly and that our marriage is important enough so that we should not let these concerns prevent us from getting counseling. I also know many Philippine women at our church who work (several of whom are nurses). They enjoy working hard… even with young children. When my wife tells me it's a cultural thing, I'm starting to doubt this. She would counter by saying those Filipinas at our church have been tainted by American culture and they don't value family as much as they should. I see her point, but working puts food on the table and her staying home isn't helping our family if we can't pay our bills when my savings runs out.

About the salary issue… wife tells me she would be very happy if I earned the income of a graduate nurse. But my personal career goals are more in line with being a doctor.

Appreciate your thoughts. I enjoy working hard and I enjoy helping her family in the Philippines. But I would like us to work together as a team and sometimes I feel like I am being strong-armed by her. When I disagree with her, she gives me the silent treatment for a couple days… tells me this treatment is cultural… it's called "tampo-tampo." I am starting to feel a bit resentful b/c she seems unwilling to help us meet our obligations and bills and she only suggests that I must either quit medical school or work more hours while in medical school… something I am not able to do b/c of my need to study. She does Facebook about 12 hours a day. She cooks about half our meals and does most of the dishes and all the laundry for us… but that's it. She's unwilling to work outside the home… just pressures me to work more hours or tells me to quit medical school so I can work full-time. Frustrating situation. If I were working, I'd be the first one to suggest that she stay home and not work. But while I have no income, I would like her to work. That seems completely reasonable (nearly obvious) to me. Her only response to my suggesting that she work is that I do not put family first. She says this means I care much more about my career and I am selfish… since I'm not "giving her a child" right now. She's been off the pill for 5 months and we've been trying to have a child… even though I would prefer to wait till I have an income. I want to keep peace in our house so I have been willing to try to have a child, but I don't feel 100% at peace with our situation… I feel manipulated in some way and this makes me feel uneasy. I would like us to support each other and find agreement. However, it seems whenever I don't agree with her, she accuses me of being selfish or of not putting family first. I've tried to do some soul searching to see if she might be right about me, but I don't think so. I think she is the one who is not seeing things clearly and is not able to put our marriage first. I've really tried to humble myself and see things from her perspective… went to talk to my pastor about these things, etc.

Thanks. For sure, we do need to have long and calm chat about these things.

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I would prefer to continue with med school and I would feel regret if I bailed for a different route. I am enjoying med school and I am doing v. well. I think our biggest issue is a marriage/communications issue. I would prefer for my wife to work for the next 2 years so that we could have a baby when I start residency, but my wife continues to say that I'm not sensitive to her culture when I suggest this. She also tells me I am putting career first and family second when I suggest that we delay having a child until I am able to draw an income. At any rate… thanks for your reply.

This may be an unusual topic for discussion. I would appreciate some thoughtful and kindhearted opinions. Perhaps discussing my situation in an open (albeit anonymous) forum may help me think more clearly regarding my situation. I would appreciate all sincere and thoughtful replies. I'm finishing my second year of medical school in Philadelphia and I'm nearly ready to begin my hospital rotations. I have been able to work PT as a chiropractor (former career) during medical school. My wife is a Filipina and although I have asked her to work, she is not willing to do so b/c she claims, in her culture, the men support the household financially. Plus… we are trying to have our first child now and my wife tells me that she must not work right now since she is trying to get pregnant b/c she feels the stress/strain of working (even working a desk job) would decrease the likelihood of her getting pregnant. This is apparently a cultural sentiment. I have tried to be empathetic and considerate of our cultural differences, but it's getting difficult. I have been able to pay for all of my medical college tuition and our living expenses from my savings through my second year of medical school. However, as my savings accounts dwindle, financial pressures are mounting. My wife tells me that I should immediately drop out of medical school and pursue a nursing career since I will be able to earn a healthy income sooner than if I were to remain in medical school for 2 more years and then do a residency for 4 years. Before starting medical school, I considered doing an accelerated BSN to MSN program. My wife has worked part-time in the past but she always demanded that most of her income be sent to her family (grandfather, some aunts and uncles, and cousins) in the Philippines since their living situation is so desperate. I feel for her family in the Philippines and I would like to help them, but we have no income currently and my having no income is a source of stress for us. My wife seems unwilling to budge on this issue. Will you please help me think through my options? There are so many ways to look at this situation. I believe I need to gain better clarity before making any decisions. thanks! -greg