Last week I removed myself from patient care mid-shift because I felt I was not safe. I had just come off of 5 weeks of precepted orientation as a new grad on a very busy med/surge floor that is the melting pot for all levels of acuity patients. Some easy, some very complicated with issues and problems I have never seen. Many total cares, c diff, tubes and drains and different dr. preferences that aren't written anywhere. Precepting went well for the first two weeks, as my preceptor was always there. Then, staffing got short and I was paired with the charge nurse who took the opportunity to just turn her patients over to me so she could charge (no free charges and they have a ton of work to do along with patients.) I was operating on my own, she was available for questions at first, but increasingly to busy to help much. I got along pretty well. After a long night of caring for a pedi patient during my 3rd week of orientation (which I am not trained for) I got a call from management the next day that there was a "patient complaint" from the parent. Essentially they felt I had not provided adequate attention, though they never said anything during the shift (and were actually quite nice), to me,,,, and my preceptor never checked on them. I got a verbal warning my 3rd week in orientation due to the influence of the HCAPS ratings and pretty much told that if I had been a real nurse, I would have been fired. That really affected me because if anything else, my patients had all loved me. but I was determined to shake it off.
Flash back to my final semester of nursing school/NCLEX, my husband of 25 years informed me he had been having an affair and wasn't sure "what he wanted" as I was starting my new job. He has since treated me with coldness, callousness and resentment on a nightly basis. He says he is "deciding" if we should stay married. All this is increasingly stressing me out as time goes on. He acts all happy and himself when the kids are home, but as soon as they are gone its' back to "my feelings haven't changed", he barely speaks to me much less shows any caring ing or affection at all. It has been a real roller coaster, and his actions of late have all indicated that the affair has resumed. My anxiety has increased to the point where I have panic attacks, have lost 25 pounds in 4 months, feel sick all the time and can't sleep. But i was determined to press on.
So after my 5 weeks orientation (15 shifts), I am on my own trying to focus on detail, safety and learning with new patients daily with things I don't know about or how to treat safely without asking. But all the other nurses are too busy to help and I am messing up, running behind, being berated for being too slow because I can't think. And I am told a new admission for me is on the floor when I haven't even come close to finishing my med (forget about thorough assessments) On top of it all, they decided to wax the floors in my hall and I slipped and fell entering a patient's room. I started the shift hyperventilating, but felt i could handle my load. One patient was total care, mute, immobilized, on ISO and had multiple PEG drugs into a PEG tube I had never seen before. I needed help, but no one could help me d/t their loads. I had a full blown mental breakdown, and as I hovered over this patient about to administer drugs that I could barely read, didn't know about nor how to do it correctly, I stepped away. I was not safe. I informed the house supervisor I was unsafe to continue patient care. I could tell they were pissed, and knew that with my verbal warning would be enough for them to reasonably discharge a probationary employee. I was in fear of losing my license by doing something harmful. I resigned on the spot and remained until patient care was transferred to a new nurse.
It's just too much for me to handle right now....learning basically on my own while my personal life if falling apart. My blood pressure is 175/109. While I know resigning may be the death knell of this career, at this point I am not sure when or if I will be able to return to competence. It is humiliating, heartbreaking and sickening to me. I had also learned that they started floating new nurses just off orientation to other floors. Hell, I can barely function on my own floor.
I realize I am going under what used to be called a "mental breakdown". I am not a psycho person, and have never experienced anything like this before. I know these are situations that nurses deal with all the time, yet I cannot feel that in these situations new grads are set up to fail. Any hope for me? Thinking about going back to dog grooming. I have a Masters degree from eons ago, but it is rather outdated.
Good, bad, or indifferent, your personal problems are not a concern of the workplace. You need to decide if being unemployed while going through this mess with your husband will be better than having a means to support yourself while he decides what he wants. From personal experience, I would say that having a livelihood makes anything easier to cope with. You don't need both the stress of the job and the stress of your husband's selfishness. I would concentrate on the job or finding a new one, because he will decide what he wants, with or without your input. Sad to say, but that is probably how it is. Try to make the best decision regarding the job that you can and take it from there. Take care of yourself. You husband is capable of taking care of himself.
I'm very impressed that through all your stress you protected your patient first!
That speaks volumes of the person you are!
Now stick up for yourself the way you did that day for your patient!
hope I do not come off too blunt but why does he get to "decide" if you both continue to stay married? He was unfaithful.. YOU should be the one "deciding" and HE should be the one begging for forgiveness and putting all he has into making it right- why does he get to call the shots here?
Your a strong woman with obviously a good head on your shoulders.
Thanks y'all. We have been in counseling together, and now are in separate counseling. During our couples counseling, my husband could never come up with anything that we needed to work on. He could come up with NOTHING other than he "wasn't happy" and that there were things I did that made him emotionally angry that he knew were dumb (like leaving my hairbrush out) but logically he knew they were dumb and never said anything. Apparently years of me not doing things just right and him never voicing an opinion led to resentment, and then surfaced some personal issues about how he deals with life, etc that our counselor then told him he needed individual therapy. I am still seeing this guy and have another appointment on Monday. I think the affair has cast a fog over him that now he has rewritten our entire history of 25 years. On any given day he will say "I haven't been happy for (1, 3, 15 years...whatever the choice of the day is). It is maddening. He won't help me heal, as he gets pissed if I ever ask him where he's going, where he's been, etc).
Anyway, it is hard for me to imagine that anywhere will hire me with two months experience, but maybe there is a chance. I just don't know. At this point, we are still married and he makes a good income. I have been reading about "mental breakdowns" and am not sure how long it will be until I feel normal. I sometimes fantasize about opening my own shop, I used to run a mobile business, but I know I can't make any decisions at all right now.
I saw experienced nurses on my unit make mistakes, omissions, get complaints all the time with no repurcussions. The verbal counseling for the complaint really upset me. As soon as you are off the 5 week orientation, you are treated exactly like the seasoned nurses with the same load, same admissions, same expectations. Is is like that everywhere? Additionally, I was working nights which I thought would help me learn but only added to my lack of sleep.
If you end up getting a divorce you will be entitled to half the assets including his pension or other retirement account. If you haven't been working you will probably be able to get alimony for a certain period as well. Maybe you should see a divorce lawyer to know your rights and to be prepared if he leaves or if you decide to leave him given how he has been treating you. Also anyone married for ten years or more can get social security off their ex spouse if you divorce after ten years and don't get remarried. This is important to know since many women make less than their spouse or have worked less in the workforce. To anyone else reading this with plans to divorce but is near the ten year mark it is better to stick it out to ten years to have that option re social security. At this time one can still switch over at age 70 to their own social security if it is higher than the spouse or ex spouse at that time or vice versa.
The work environment was not supportive for you as a new grad, but that you panicked to the point of quitting midshift I think you might ask for some help dealing with anxiety. This is normal as a new grad and quite common in nursing, but it sounds like you need help managing it better. Once the anxiety is under control it will help you deal with both your personal life and work life. It is ok to take the dog grooming job now for some income, save it up so you have some money of your own if you need to move out or get divorced. There are other jobs that are less stressful as some have mentioned such as clinic jobs, outpatient jobs or simply working at a better hospital! I wish you the best.
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now. Don't give up on nursing just yet. If you have a good relationship with management, talk to them... At a minimum most hospitals have employee support/counseling programs. Additionally, maybe management can offer you more support/ensure your patient load meets your current skills.
Also, if there is a more senior nurse/charge RN, seek support from them. We were all new once... Being a new grad alone is stressful. Find a mentor that you can talk to... Good luck, in general it does get easier.
Wow your story reminded me of me some 6 years ago. There's always hope. Take this time out to heal and rest. Your health is the most important thing in your life and I know going through what you are with your husband is a real mental torture/breakdown...been there myself.
Just know that this is not the end of the road. I always though of those days as the lowest point and told myself there was nowhere to go but up from here. Like people said, please don't give up on nursing just yet. And 5 weeks is not enough orientation, you did the right thing by removing yourself from a dangerous situation and a dangerous hospital!!
Betrayed to the bone, ugh, and from the very person who you thought you could trust most, how devastating and exhausting both mentally and physically! So sorry for the loss in your marriage. Check out a website called chumplady. It's reassuring/interesting/enlightening listening to others there. If you're BP is up you may want to read in small doses when it's down.
Also sounds like a factory not a healthcare institution! Shocking, huh?!
Maybe you can find somewhere less hectic. Easier said than done I know. Seems like you got left to drown in more ways than one. We all need support. Just know folks care out here. Sunlight may be a good thing too as opposed to night just for the light, ya know? Big hug!!!:angrybird5:
Everyone has given great feedback. I don't think you have to completely give up on nursing. Now is not the best time to resume nursing but after a break, if you are in a better frame of mind, I think there are nursing jobs you'd enjoy and succeed at. It sounds like your workplace was off the charts tough for a new grad. Or a not so new grad for that matter.
I hope you feel better soon. You did the right thing so don't doubt yourself for a minute. Big hugs to you! Good luck :-)
Specializes in ER, ICU/CCU, Open Heart OR Recovery, Etc.
Focus on caring for yourself. Find another job where they don't throw you to the wolves, preferably something you enjoy. File for divorce and focus on caring for YOU.
I'm so sorry this is happening. We need nurses that put the patient first. Don't let the lousy facility and lousy management cause you to lose your sense of giving a damn about the people we are all here for...
Well the #$%^& in me rose up while reading this and I don't even see her on a yearly basis anymore. He is basically bullying you into letting him do whatever he wants by threatening you with abandonment. Your post sounds like you want to stay married. Good for you. That's your husband. He made promises and shouldn't get to just change his mind and leave you stuck. Let the side skank feel bad, not you. My advice may seem odd but this is what I would do :
1. Use your stress weight loss to your advantage. Get a mini makeover with a cute outfit/haircut/makeup.
2. Make contact with a divorce lawyer and let him "accidentally" find out. Like leaving an email open, a biz card sticking partway out of your purse or a voicemail from them that he will hear. When he confronts you say "I'm just exploring my options and legal rights" and SAY NO MORE. If he pushes walk away/leave the house.
3. When he leaves the house with no explanation leave right behind him. The point is to NOT BE HOME WAITING WHEN HE RETURNS. I don't care if you sit at the library or Starbucks, just don't wait around for him. It is feeding the monster he has become.
4.Get a new job. Home health, LTC, etc. If you can handle night shift all the better. Let your side of the bed get cold for a while and see if he is so quick to keep his hand on the doorknob.
5. Stop giving your power away. Husbands are supposed to protect and provide, NOT exploit and abuse. Stop trying to initiate conversations and take his temperature. He should be the one fighting to stay with you.
6. If you allow him to push you into a breakdown he will use it to bury you in divorce proceedings. How will you feel when he is living with the side skank and your kids(because he has full custody) in a nice house while you are struggling?
7. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and bring him to heel. It can be done and is easier than you think. It does require strength on your part and only you know if you have it. Feel free to PM me. Don't let anyone tell you to leave unless it's what YOU want. There is no shame in wanting your family whole even after wrong has been done. I'll be praying for you. HUGS.
Specializes in peds, allergy-asthma, ob/gyn office.
I feel so badly for you. What an incredible pile of... stress. Giving a new grad 5 weeks of orientation is just absurd. As new LVN, I had 12 weeks with the option for more if needed. You absolutely did the right thing in hesitating and stopping yourself from patient care. If hospital work appeals to you, apply elsewhere. Perhaps other places will offer a longer orientation, and understand why 5 weeks didn't work out for you. If hospital work doesn't interest you, apply to all of the other things in nursing. Physician office is the best fit for me, though it has it's downsides too. I would look at clinics that are part of a hospital or health system so you have health insurance and other benefits. The private practices I've worked at never offer any of that.
Try not to be too discouraged by this. It was a set up for failure. I agree with the others, that you having an income is important in this time of marital issues. I personally have zero tolerance for cheating, and would send him out the door asap.
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:angrybird5:
caliotter3
38,333 Posts
Good, bad, or indifferent, your personal problems are not a concern of the workplace. You need to decide if being unemployed while going through this mess with your husband will be better than having a means to support yourself while he decides what he wants. From personal experience, I would say that having a livelihood makes anything easier to cope with. You don't need both the stress of the job and the stress of your husband's selfishness. I would concentrate on the job or finding a new one, because he will decide what he wants, with or without your input. Sad to say, but that is probably how it is. Try to make the best decision regarding the job that you can and take it from there. Take care of yourself. You husband is capable of taking care of himself.