Last week I removed myself from patient care mid-shift because I felt I was not safe. I had just come off of 5 weeks of precepted orientation as a new grad on a very busy med/surge floor that is the melting pot for all levels of acuity patients. Some easy, some very complicated with issues and problems I have never seen. Many total cares, c diff, tubes and drains and different dr. preferences that aren't written anywhere. Precepting went well for the first two weeks, as my preceptor was always there. Then, staffing got short and I was paired with the charge nurse who took the opportunity to just turn her patients over to me so she could charge (no free charges and they have a ton of work to do along with patients.) I was operating on my own, she was available for questions at first, but increasingly to busy to help much. I got along pretty well. After a long night of caring for a pedi patient during my 3rd week of orientation (which I am not trained for) I got a call from management the next day that there was a "patient complaint" from the parent. Essentially they felt I had not provided adequate attention, though they never said anything during the shift (and were actually quite nice), to me,,,, and my preceptor never checked on them. I got a verbal warning my 3rd week in orientation due to the influence of the HCAPS ratings and pretty much told that if I had been a real nurse, I would have been fired. That really affected me because if anything else, my patients had all loved me. but I was determined to shake it off.
Flash back to my final semester of nursing school/NCLEX, my husband of 25 years informed me he had been having an affair and wasn't sure "what he wanted" as I was starting my new job. He has since treated me with coldness, callousness and resentment on a nightly basis. He says he is "deciding" if we should stay married. All this is increasingly stressing me out as time goes on. He acts all happy and himself when the kids are home, but as soon as they are gone its' back to "my feelings haven't changed", he barely speaks to me much less shows any caring ing or affection at all. It has been a real roller coaster, and his actions of late have all indicated that the affair has resumed. My anxiety has increased to the point where I have panic attacks, have lost 25 pounds in 4 months, feel sick all the time and can't sleep. But i was determined to press on.
So after my 5 weeks orientation (15 shifts), I am on my own trying to focus on detail, safety and learning with new patients daily with things I don't know about or how to treat safely without asking. But all the other nurses are too busy to help and I am messing up, running behind, being berated for being too slow because I can't think. And I am told a new admission for me is on the floor when I haven't even come close to finishing my med (forget about thorough assessments) On top of it all, they decided to wax the floors in my hall and I slipped and fell entering a patient's room. I started the shift hyperventilating, but felt i could handle my load. One patient was total care, mute, immobilized, on ISO and had multiple PEG drugs into a PEG tube I had never seen before. I needed help, but no one could help me d/t their loads. I had a full blown mental breakdown, and as I hovered over this patient about to administer drugs that I could barely read, didn't know about nor how to do it correctly, I stepped away. I was not safe. I informed the house supervisor I was unsafe to continue patient care. I could tell they were pissed, and knew that with my verbal warning would be enough for them to reasonably discharge a probationary employee. I was in fear of losing my license by doing something harmful. I resigned on the spot and remained until patient care was transferred to a new nurse.
It's just too much for me to handle right now....learning basically on my own while my personal life if falling apart. My blood pressure is 175/109. While I know resigning may be the death knell of this career, at this point I am not sure when or if I will be able to return to competence. It is humiliating, heartbreaking and sickening to me. I had also learned that they started floating new nurses just off orientation to other floors. Hell, I can barely function on my own floor.
I realize I am going under what used to be called a "mental breakdown". I am not a psycho person, and have never experienced anything like this before. I know these are situations that nurses deal with all the time, yet I cannot feel that in these situations new grads are set up to fail. Any hope for me? Thinking about going back to dog grooming. I have a Masters degree from eons ago, but it is rather outdated.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve lots of hugs!
Step back from the ledge and take a big deep breath. You worked very hard at both your marriage and your degree, and you have come so far. You can not control what your husband thinks or his actions and you deserve more respect then what it sounds like your getting. My advice is to move out, find a good church and get a good divorce attorney.
I have been "eaten" before as a new grad and it was very hard. I cried a lot and blamed myself for everything that went wrong. After a year of not being at that hospital I can see that 20% was me and 80% was them. I found a new job that pays more and I love my co-workers. It took me a good six months to get out of my head some of the things I started to believe. I just prayed a lot and asked God to show me what he thinks of me and that is more important.
Thank you everyone for your words. Today is our 26th anniversary, so while not trying to sound like a mental patient, that's what I am today. I have started to contemplate a rural job or an outpatient clinic if I can find one that will take a new grad. At this point moving away is probably what I need, though I love my home I cannot afford to stay in it after this is all over. It is painfully clear at this point that he wants totally out. On top of that, tomorrow I must return home as my children have come in for the holiday. God give me strength.
Everyone has given really good advice. Just wanted to add that , given your husband's behavior, he is most likely having an affair. If you can forgive that, fine. The point is that HE doesn't get to decide if he is allowed to stay married to you, YOU do. You were royally screwed over at work; none of that was your fault. Anyone would need a mental health break after all you've been through! It doesn't mean you are weak. You are NOT weak. If you need to talk, PM me anytime. Hang in there! Prayers and hugs on the way to you!
I agree with the other responses. You made the right move by leaving that hospital. And you can still apply to other organizations as a new nurse. The added stress of your marriage issues doesn't make things any easier. Perhaps you could take some time to deal with that source of anxiety before stepping into another new nursing job. I am a new nurse too, just 5 months on my own after a FOUR MONTH orientation to the ED at a rural hospital. I still ask questions every single day, still learning the ropes. It is stressful, but you should always have people to turn to at your workplace as a new nurse. You just landed in the wrong spot. Not your fault. Best wishes to you!
I can sympathize, I have been in very similar situations in my personal life and my career. You will put yourself and your career back together in time. Everything may be at a standstill right now but life will go on. I promise!
Oh, I forgot to add...last week I had to put my beloved dog down at the age of 6 after he suddenly bloated. Forgive my pity party. I will recover.
I am so sorry, that is awful. It's so hard to loose a loved pet as it is... To add that to everything else... That's just terrible. Your situation is tugging hard at my heart. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I am sorry for your experience, I just wanted to say that I have been in a similar situation and I never felt better for leaving a job!
I found another job soon after. Nursing is not a nice career, but one gets used to the stress and is able to judge their environment better after some time. It does get better in a sense, although the profession presents a lot of dilemmas and your fate often depends on the team you are working with and on your employer.
You poor thing. I was tearing up while I read this. It's as if it was written by myself. I am also a new grad nurse and went through a lot of the same things. I went into a high acuity floor where I was held to unrealistic expectations, had no supportive preceptors, and as a result developed anxiety on top of the typical new nurse anxiety. I was having panic attacks daily, vomiting before work, hyperventilating, insomnia, and even fainted before work. The fact my significant other was not being supportive at all, worsened my anxiety and stress. He threatened to leave me if I did not "get over it" and threatened to have an affair. The stress from work plus my relationship caused me to go into a downward spiral and I ended up having a severe panic attack at work on a busy day, and resigned 2 hours before the shift, because I was not able to process thoughts properly, and felt I wasn't safe. I know exactly what you have gone through. Please if you ever feel you need someone to talk to, you can contact me here, by private message. Again, I am sorry for what you have gone through. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a hug.
I am so sorry, that is awful. It's so hard to loose a loved pet as it is... To add that to everything else... That's just terrible. Your situation is tugging hard at my heart. I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Nurse Katelyn BSN PCCN, RN
18 Posts
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You deserve lots of hugs!
Step back from the ledge and take a big deep breath. You worked very hard at both your marriage and your degree, and you have come so far. You can not control what your husband thinks or his actions and you deserve more respect then what it sounds like your getting. My advice is to move out, find a good church and get a good divorce attorney.
I have been "eaten" before as a new grad and it was very hard. I cried a lot and blamed myself for everything that went wrong. After a year of not being at that hospital I can see that 20% was me and 80% was them. I found a new job that pays more and I love my co-workers. It took me a good six months to get out of my head some of the things I started to believe. I just prayed a lot and asked God to show me what he thinks of me and that is more important.
Good luck!