Last week I removed myself from patient care mid-shift because I felt I was not safe. I had just come off of 5 weeks of precepted orientation as a new grad on a very busy med/surge floor that is the melting pot for all levels of acuity patients. Some easy, some very complicated with issues and problems I have never seen. Many total cares, c diff, tubes and drains and different dr. preferences that aren't written anywhere. Precepting went well for the first two weeks, as my preceptor was always there. Then, staffing got short and I was paired with the charge nurse who took the opportunity to just turn her patients over to me so she could charge (no free charges and they have a ton of work to do along with patients.) I was operating on my own, she was available for questions at first, but increasingly to busy to help much. I got along pretty well. After a long night of caring for a pedi patient during my 3rd week of orientation (which I am not trained for) I got a call from management the next day that there was a "patient complaint" from the parent. Essentially they felt I had not provided adequate attention, though they never said anything during the shift (and were actually quite nice), to me,,,, and my preceptor never checked on them. I got a verbal warning my 3rd week in orientation due to the influence of the HCAPS ratings and pretty much told that if I had been a real nurse, I would have been fired. That really affected me because if anything else, my patients had all loved me. but I was determined to shake it off.
Flash back to my final semester of nursing school/NCLEX, my husband of 25 years informed me he had been having an affair and wasn't sure "what he wanted" as I was starting my new job. He has since treated me with coldness, callousness and resentment on a nightly basis. He says he is "deciding" if we should stay married. All this is increasingly stressing me out as time goes on. He acts all happy and himself when the kids are home, but as soon as they are gone its' back to "my feelings haven't changed", he barely speaks to me much less shows any caring ing or affection at all. It has been a real roller coaster, and his actions of late have all indicated that the affair has resumed. My anxiety has increased to the point where I have panic attacks, have lost 25 pounds in 4 months, feel sick all the time and can't sleep. But i was determined to press on.
So after my 5 weeks orientation (15 shifts), I am on my own trying to focus on detail, safety and learning with new patients daily with things I don't know about or how to treat safely without asking. But all the other nurses are too busy to help and I am messing up, running behind, being berated for being too slow because I can't think. And I am told a new admission for me is on the floor when I haven't even come close to finishing my med (forget about thorough assessments) On top of it all, they decided to wax the floors in my hall and I slipped and fell entering a patient's room. I started the shift hyperventilating, but felt i could handle my load. One patient was total care, mute, immobilized, on ISO and had multiple PEG drugs into a PEG tube I had never seen before. I needed help, but no one could help me d/t their loads. I had a full blown mental breakdown, and as I hovered over this patient about to administer drugs that I could barely read, didn't know about nor how to do it correctly, I stepped away. I was not safe. I informed the house supervisor I was unsafe to continue patient care. I could tell they were pissed, and knew that with my verbal warning would be enough for them to reasonably discharge a probationary employee. I was in fear of losing my license by doing something harmful. I resigned on the spot and remained until patient care was transferred to a new nurse.
It's just too much for me to handle right now....learning basically on my own while my personal life if falling apart. My blood pressure is 175/109. While I know resigning may be the death knell of this career, at this point I am not sure when or if I will be able to return to competence. It is humiliating, heartbreaking and sickening to me. I had also learned that they started floating new nurses just off orientation to other floors. Hell, I can barely function on my own floor.
I realize I am going under what used to be called a "mental breakdown". I am not a psycho person, and have never experienced anything like this before. I know these are situations that nurses deal with all the time, yet I cannot feel that in these situations new grads are set up to fail. Any hope for me? Thinking about going back to dog grooming. I have a Masters degree from eons ago, but it is rather outdated.
