Last week I removed myself from patient care mid-shift because I felt I was not safe. I had just come off of 5 weeks of precepted orientation as a new grad on a very busy med/surge floor that is the melting pot for all levels of acuity patients. Some easy, some very complicated with issues and problems I have never seen. Many total cares, c diff, tubes and drains and different dr. preferences that aren't written anywhere. Precepting went well for the first two weeks, as my preceptor was always there. Then, staffing got short and I was paired with the charge nurse who took the opportunity to just turn her patients over to me so she could charge (no free charges and they have a ton of work to do along with patients.) I was operating on my own, she was available for questions at first, but increasingly to busy to help much. I got along pretty well. After a long night of caring for a pedi patient during my 3rd week of orientation (which I am not trained for) I got a call from management the next day that there was a "patient complaint" from the parent. Essentially they felt I had not provided adequate attention, though they never said anything during the shift (and were actually quite nice), to me,,,, and my preceptor never checked on them. I got a verbal warning my 3rd week in orientation due to the influence of the HCAPS ratings and pretty much told that if I had been a real nurse, I would have been fired. That really affected me because if anything else, my patients had all loved me. but I was determined to shake it off.
Flash back to my final semester of nursing school/NCLEX, my husband of 25 years informed me he had been having an affair and wasn't sure "what he wanted" as I was starting my new job. He has since treated me with coldness, callousness and resentment on a nightly basis. He says he is "deciding" if we should stay married. All this is increasingly stressing me out as time goes on. He acts all happy and himself when the kids are home, but as soon as they are gone its' back to "my feelings haven't changed", he barely speaks to me much less shows any caring ing or affection at all. It has been a real roller coaster, and his actions of late have all indicated that the affair has resumed. My anxiety has increased to the point where I have panic attacks, have lost 25 pounds in 4 months, feel sick all the time and can't sleep. But i was determined to press on.
So after my 5 weeks orientation (15 shifts), I am on my own trying to focus on detail, safety and learning with new patients daily with things I don't know about or how to treat safely without asking. But all the other nurses are too busy to help and I am messing up, running behind, being berated for being too slow because I can't think. And I am told a new admission for me is on the floor when I haven't even come close to finishing my med (forget about thorough assessments) On top of it all, they decided to wax the floors in my hall and I slipped and fell entering a patient's room. I started the shift hyperventilating, but felt i could handle my load. One patient was total care, mute, immobilized, on ISO and had multiple PEG drugs into a PEG tube I had never seen before. I needed help, but no one could help me d/t their loads. I had a full blown mental breakdown, and as I hovered over this patient about to administer drugs that I could barely read, didn't know about nor how to do it correctly, I stepped away. I was not safe. I informed the house supervisor I was unsafe to continue patient care. I could tell they were pissed, and knew that with my verbal warning would be enough for them to reasonably discharge a probationary employee. I was in fear of losing my license by doing something harmful. I resigned on the spot and remained until patient care was transferred to a new nurse.
It's just too much for me to handle right now....learning basically on my own while my personal life if falling apart. My blood pressure is 175/109. While I know resigning may be the death knell of this career, at this point I am not sure when or if I will be able to return to competence. It is humiliating, heartbreaking and sickening to me. I had also learned that they started floating new nurses just off orientation to other floors. Hell, I can barely function on my own floor.
I realize I am going under what used to be called a "mental breakdown". I am not a psycho person, and have never experienced anything like this before. I know these are situations that nurses deal with all the time, yet I cannot feel that in these situations new grads are set up to fail. Any hope for me? Thinking about going back to dog grooming. I have a Masters degree from eons ago, but it is rather outdated.
I would leave that hospital immediately. They were absolutely setting you up for failure. There is no way a new grad nurse can thrive on 5 weeks of orientation. That is less than what they orient seasoned nurse to a new unit at the hospital it work at. That hospital is dangerous, not you!
I received barely six weeks of orientation as a new grad on a crazy med/surg unit, so 5-6 weeks seems to be the norm unfortunately.
OP, you have to take care of you first before you can care for others. I would strongly suggest dumping the dumb husband of yours as well.
Specializes in Critical Care, Med-Surg, Psych, Geri, LTC, Tele,.
I think the other posters have given you sage advice. The only other thing I would add is that you consider seeking medical mental health care. The situation you describe with your spouse indicates emotional abuse. Perhaps talking about the issues with an outside, independent objective therapist will help you sort your thoughts. And perhaps you may need an anti depressant or anxiolytic meds. Further, maybe you might be suffering a mental health crisis and could benefit from a medical disability leave while you get your mental health together so that you can function sufficiently to hold down a job in the future. Best of luck to you!
Well the #$%^& in me rose up while reading this and I don't even see her on a yearly basis anymore. He is basically bullying you into letting him do whatever he wants by threatening you with abandonment. Your post sounds like you want to stay married. Good for you. That's your husband. He made promises and shouldn't get to just change his mind and leave you stuck. Let the side skank feel bad, not you. My advice may seem odd but this is what I would do :
1. Use your stress weight loss to your advantage. Get a mini makeover with a cute outfit/haircut/makeup.
2. Make contact with a divorce lawyer and let him "accidentally" find out. Like leaving an email open, a biz card sticking partway out of your purse or a voicemail from them that he will hear. When he confronts you say "I'm just exploring my options and legal rights" and SAY NO MORE. If he pushes walk away/leave the house.
3. When he leaves the house with no explanation leave right behind him. The point is to NOT BE HOME WAITING WHEN HE RETURNS. I don't care if you sit at the library or Starbucks, just don't wait around for him. It is feeding the monster he has become.
4.Get a new job. Home health, LTC, etc. If you can handle night shift all the better. Let your side of the bed get cold for a while and see if he is so quick to keep his hand on the doorknob.
5. Stop giving your power away. Husbands are supposed to protect and provide, NOT exploit and abuse. Stop trying to initiate conversations and take his temperature. He should be the one fighting to stay with you.
6. If you allow him to push you into a breakdown he will use it to bury you in divorce proceedings. How will you feel when he is living with the side skank and your kids(because he has full custody) in a nice house while you are struggling?
7. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and bring him to heel. It can be done and is easier than you think. It does require strength on your part and only you know if you have it. Feel free to PM me. Don't let anyone tell you to leave unless it's what YOU want. There is no shame in wanting your family whole even after wrong has been done. I'll be praying for you. HUGS.
I wouldn't advertise the divorce lawyer till you are aware of all the assets because some spouses have been known to hide money when their is a divorce. To protect yourself get your own checking account and start setting aside money. It's important to start building your own credit. You don't automatically want to stay in the home if you can't make the mortgage or tax payments, better to find out now if that is feasible financially before you are in divorce court. Many women keep the house and then find they cannot make the payments and end up forced out of their home. If the children are still in school and you can't afford the house perhaps you could afford an apartment in that same school district.
It's important that you get another job to establish your own independence and regain your confidence. Nursing won't get you rich, but I do believe it is a living wage and would allow you to take care of you and the kids if you have to!
Some cities have local women's centers that offer therapy or other assistance on a sliding fee scale. Take your time and plan before making any decisions regarding your marriage. But once you have a good job you will regain your confidence and independence and won't feel you need to stay with him. Instead you will be able to choose what you really want!
I received barely six weeks of orientation as a new grad on a crazy med/surg unit, so 5-6 weeks seems to be the norm unfortunately.
OP, you have to take care of you first before you can care for others. I would strongly suggest dumping the dumb husband of yours as well.
I think my orientation was six weeks, but that was many years ago before residency programs. I think it is longer now and by us the length is individualized. If they feel someone needs longer they extend it, sometimes though if they think a person is doing ok and they are short staffed they will shorten it. You already have gained some experience from your last job and will be able to build on that so it should actually be easier next time!
I know you have a lot to juggle but the more independent you are from your husband, the better off you will be. I would also say that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself in terms of work. Healthcare is all about making money and paying nurses cheaply, giving them too much to handle at work, so the big-heads can profit. You will see that in nursing you must prioritize and don't loose your head due to what you see in front of you, just organize yourself and take one patient at a time. Don't admit to not being competent because you can learn, over time to be confident and competent. You will go through a tough training process but at the end of the day you can survive it if you want. Most nursing places of work today are similar to that place until you get more experience and education. Best of luck and no you don't have to give up on nursing.
The thing is they didn't give you 5 weeks of orientation. So even if 5 weeks is the "norm" you didn't get it. I'd ditch the job. Leave it off the resume.You're still a new grad....use that to your advantage to get into a residency elsewhere.
I would never advise someone else to divorce....but I can say this. I've been married 26 years as well. Have 3 older children. Had to put my dog down as well in the last year. And if my husband was behaving like yours I'd kick his ass to the curb and use my degree to start my life over. ((Hugs))
I agree with others that keeping focused on work and supporting yourself financially can help you get through this. Apply for psych or dialysis. My friends that work these areas have far less stress, less running around, more specialized focus.
Sorry to hear of your troubles. In all honesty, it sounds like you don't need the stress of hospital work right now. Jobs will come and go Your health is something far more important. Even if your marriage will end for sure, I think a less stressful (more supportive) environment would be better for you right now.
Hugs from up in Canada . I'm a new nurse too and I feel almost the same way you do, feel like leaving the profession for awhile too. Life can feel like hell sometimes. It's a hard job so don't be hard on yourself. You did the right thing by taking a step back.
No wisdom to add, but good luck! Hoping things get better for you soon! I absolutely agree that you were being set up for failure with only 5 weeks of orientation. That is insane. Take care of yourself as best you can.
You have done nothing wrong. First, the Charge should have never left you on your own. You are doing the right thing at this point. Take some time, get yourself together, and then go back when you feel ready.
So even if 5 weeks is the "norm" you didn't get it. I'd ditch the job. Leave it off the resume.You're still a new grad....use that to your advantage to get into a residency elsewhere.
ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP
1 Article; 2,594 Posts
I received barely six weeks of orientation as a new grad on a crazy med/surg unit, so 5-6 weeks seems to be the norm unfortunately.
OP, you have to take care of you first before you can care for others. I would strongly suggest dumping the dumb husband of yours as well.