Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
What I'm "trying to achieve"? I didn't "bring it up" the OP actually did, several pages back. A few posters have addressed that question, but most have not.
I think it is very relevant to this thread, and have no desire to start a new one.
Also, I agree that judgment and opinion are not synonymous, but how do we form our opinions? We wade through multiple pieces of information we have been given, judge which pieces are right or wrong or which ones work for us and which ones wont, and form an opinion. To me, they go hand in hand.
Actually it's to understand thank you very much. And you should probably learn to communicate as this is an open forum and not a place to attack. But if I want to judge I can. If I want an explanation, I can ask for it. And again, you are assuming that I wi use the exanation to judge. I am not. I want to understand what is goingthrough people's minds during situations. I have an interest in psychology and so I am always wondering. Plus, asking questions and getting answers gives you a better perspective on things. Got it? Good!
You're doing the attacking here - not me. It isn't relevant to your role as Grandma's nurse to know/understand/judge what's going through the minds of your patient's families. There have been a lot of reasons discussed here why people don't see their demented family members because of what the family member did while lucid. Someone also pointed out that for the patient, these visits are sometimes more stressful than the lack thereof. For instance, my grandmother was an adequate provider, she allowed my alcoholic grandfather to abuse my father, but didn't participate in the abuse. My father has no baggage with his mother. He can't drive, due to his own long history with ETOH abuse, so when he sees his mother it's because I've taken him. He doesn't go as often as he should. She doesn't know him. She looks right through him and begs to be left alone to go to sleep. It rips his heart out every single time. There is a fate worse than death, and right now - for my family - it's this limbo. Grandma doesn't *care* if we're there - but it seems you do?
What I'm "trying to achieve"? I didn't "bring it up" the OP actually did, several pages back. A few posters have addressed that question, but most have not.
I think it is very relevant to this thread, and have no desire to start a new one.
I suspect you missed the part about judgementalism used for rhetorical effect. I could clearly start a withdrawal of medications thread myself...
Anyone here watch the show Hoarders? A favorite in my house. The conversation here reminds me of one of the main themes that go on with these patients (yes, they all ARE mental patients, and I don't mean that in a funny or insluting way). I also frequent the discussions on their facebook page, where people BLAST the family members; "how could that daughter LET this happen to their mother"? "How can they live with themselves knowing their mother is rotting in her own feces?" Everyone thinks these family members shoudl jsut go in there, clean up the house for them, and have mom move in with them. There was an episode where the woman moved in with son and soon to be daughter in law (it was her condo). She started hoarding in her house too! Is that fair to the DIL?
The fact is (just like those who are in Nursing Homes), these were (and still are) human beings who have affected the lives of their loved ones, sometimes in a very negative way. I am not saying that being put in a nursing home should be punishment/ for mistreatment. I don't believe that a person who puts their mom/dad in a home is looking for 'payback' for their parents (for being a bad parent to them). I'm thinking that these people know what type of person they are dealing with, and realize that you cannot change behaviors (especially in someone who is elderly, has a debilitating illness, and may be beginning to lose their faculties).
my sister and i placed our father into a snf because we were unable to give him the care he deserved, yet also care for our own families. he needed a locked unit because he was a flight risk, we could not afford to pay caregivers to sit with him 24/7. i am not going to spend my life savings because my parents did not plan for their retirement, i have to plan for my own. i am being honest here. i have to live too.
i would never expect my own children to give up living for me, i would feel guilty being a burden on anyone.
all of you folks who took care of your parents at home are used to getting kudos for it. how would you all feel if, instead, people like me told you, "oh, you're a horrible parent to expose your children to grandma who is mean and abusive!!"? "or, you're a selfish person to make your husband live with that parent of yours just so you can feel good about not sending him/her to assisted living!"? or "your children deserve your attention and your support. how can you make them take second place to that old man who doesn't even know who they are?"
i heard something akin to all these comments. of course, all this said by family and neighbors who wouldn't lift a finger to help. that's what ticked me off the most.
Well, I have seen some products of keeping the loved on at home before in the ICU. Stage 4 pressure ulcers, sepsis, mal nutrition......
These day in ages we can't just quit our jobs to give 24 hour care to our loved ones. And when you try to do it all, the job, the young kids, mom, dad, not everything can be done the right way.
So sending a loved one to a nursing home in most cases is a selfless brave decision IMHO. I am sure it hurts to do it for lots, but they know they cannot provide the type of care their loved one needs, so that is true love. Living with the hurt or guilt, but doing what they do feel is right so the right care is received. I am sure some of these people given the money and resources would make sure their loved ones could be cared for in their home.
But picture this (people I know- personally or patients)
- constant physical, emotional, and sexual abuse by the father. Father never acknowledged what he did; essentially blamed the sisters (he left the brother alone). They weren't visiting.
- father pulled a gun on the kids at night routinely when the mom argued with his drunk orifice. Wanted to terrorize the kids- it worked. This was nothing new for them- just dad having a bad night AGAIN. Cut off contact for their own sanity.
-father (or step-dad, but the man in the house) bit the kids' finger OFF....police found it in the ashtray...... not gonna be visiting
- father impregnates his TWELVE year old (years ago) , who has the baby- gives it up for adoption, but fortunately she and her sisters got yanked from the home; don't remember the sentence he got- but I wouldn't judge them for not visiting (or having their kids near him)
I can understand not going to see that type of parent. It would be nice if they saw what shape he was in (and not able to hurt them anymore) but some wounds cut to the soul of a person.
In case this helps your curiosity.
Ugh. It's disgusting. I definitely would understand not visiting. I can't say I wouldn't have some sort of contact. Again, this is me because of my irrational feeling of guilt even though let's say I'd be the victim. Maybe I would write anonymous cards and gifts or something. Again, this may seem irrational to others, but I just don't want anyone to feel alone. But this situation is understandable why the family wouldn't visit. However, is this person living in a nursing home now? How does he afford it? When I think nursing home, I see a specific population that can afford it or has family paying or has medical aid. But even with aid you still have to pay premiums. I doubt after being imprisoned he earned enough money to pay for nursing care or has someone willing to pay for his care. There usually is a specific "type" that goes into nursing care. Usually it's not those with close cultural ties. Usually, not always. For example, Asian, Filipino, middle eastern, etc., take their loved ones into their homes to care for them. Looking at research studies on the demographics of nursing home populations, many are white women with well off families or well off themselves financially. Again, not always the case. These are inferential statistics. And from my observations, there is an imbalance in women to men and with the rates nursing homes and retirement communities charge, there better be money somewhere. Yes, people can be under Medicare and Medicaid, but again there is the need to pay the premiums. What I am trying to say is that nursing homes have a certain type of populationand characteristics. You may be referring to a whole other population where this guy would fit into. Unless he is in a nursing home now and I would be curious to know how he is able to afford it.
Please do not mistake this post with any attitude whatsoever. There is none at all.
Specializes in Trauma Surgery, Nursing Management.
I work with one of the most giving, generous and thoughtful nurses I have ever encountered. She is taking care of her ailing mother. She works full time, as does her husband. She is 58 years old; she and her husband were vigilant about putting money away for retirement, which she hoped would be within the next 5 years.
Her mother's condition continued to decline, requiring more and more assistance. She would often call in sick, using her FMLA, but eating up her PTO. As a result, she hasn't been on (a much needed) vacation in years.
Her daughter just graduated from college, and can't find a job. So she moved back home. My friend must now provide for 2 extra people in the family. She doesn't mind doing so, and her daughter is helping her grandmother with ADLs. However, the daughter is young and understandably wants a social life, so many times when my friend comes home from work, nothing has been done. She is then faced with the task of cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, and taking care of bills...which have already increased.
Lo and behold, the husband's grown daughter (from his first marriage) got into a fight with her mother, and moved into the house too. She doesn't have a job, and isn't looking for one either. She is content to sit around all day, eat everything in the house, not bothering with cleaning up after herself, and is seemingly allergic to helping her step-grandmother. My friend was very unhappy about this added pressure, but what can she do? Her husband says that since her daughter moved in, why can't his? The daughter and step-daughter do not get along, and are constantly fighting. Now my friend has to deal with the dynamics of 3 extra people in the house.
Her marriage is under a great deal of stress, her responsibilities keep piling up, and she has ZERO downtime. She cannot relax in her own home, and sometimes verbalizes that work is less stressful than home. She is averaging 3-4 hours of sleep per night, continues to take call, and has lost weight. And guess what? The bills are through the freaking ROOF. All of the money she and her husband saved for retirement is gone.
The husband did some home repairs a few weekends ago and fell off of a ladder. He has a herniated disk and can't work. AND he needs surgery.
My friend is at the breaking point. As much as she hates the thought, she is considering assisted living for her mother.
The point of this story is that family dynamics are as different as fingerprints. We each have our own unique set. It is IMPOSSIBLE to truly understand the decisions that one family member makes for another.
We shouldn't try to understand. We SHOULD try to be empathetic.
My heart goes out to those who have been faced with the decision to put a parent into a nursing home. I can't pretend to understand the feelings that you must have experienced in this heartwrenching dilemma. My wish for y'all is that you find peace, comfort and strength for yourselves and for your loved ones.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
actually it's to understand thank you very much. and you should probably learn to communicate as this is an open forum and not a place to attack. but if i want to judge i can. if i want an explanation, i can ask for it. and again, you are assuming that i wi use the exanation to judge. i am not. i want to understand what is goingthrough people's minds during situations. i have an interest in psychology and so i am always wondering. plus, asking questions and getting answers gives you a better perspective on things. got it? good!
the tone of your posts seems indicative more of an intent to judge than an intent to understand.
Canes...I know this sounds cold..but if I were your friend, I would "dump" her husband and his lazy daughter...take my mom and get the heck out of that horrid situation....
Kunzieo
199 Posts
What I'm "trying to achieve"? I didn't "bring it up" the OP actually did, several pages back. A few posters have addressed that question, but most have not.
I think it is very relevant to this thread, and have no desire to start a new one.
Also, I agree that judgment and opinion are not synonymous, but how do we form our opinions? We wade through multiple pieces of information we have been given, judge which pieces are right or wrong or which ones work for us and which ones wont, and form an opinion. To me, they go hand in hand.