Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
I know all about family abuse and molestation PERSONALLY! Don't get me started on that. And I do know some backgrounds on my residents. Some of them have no children and rely on distant families or nieces. But even those people make it seem like a burden to come visit (some of them). But anyway, upon admission, we do get some extensive history on the resident from their families and friends. More than we require sometimes because thetransition is such an emotional period that they share their stories with us. It is amazing what we can learn about our residents' past lives. So yes, I do know a good amount. I am sure I don't know the whole story, but we do get a good glimpse into the past. And I can say that the residents who were "awful" to their children, those are the families that actually stop by occasionally. Funny isn't it. Maybe this is thefamilies' way ofgetting that love they didn't get before? Who knows. Anyway, maybe I don't think all the background stories, fine. But I guarantee you that there are a few residents who were not bad parents, but their children do not come. How do you explain that?
You only get the history people are willing to share. There are 4 people in this world that know the sexual abuse my ex-husband experienced at the hands of his mother, him, me, his psychiatrist and her. She's a prominent member of her church and community he would NEVER disclose that information if he even cared to involve himself in placing her. And it's not because of concern for her reputation, at 50 years old he's still humiliated by her treatment. You may get some background but I'll wager if someone has been abusive or cruel to their family their friends aren't going to know about it. You may get some background but very rarely is anyone going to allow a bunch of strangers to be privy to the secrets and scars they have carried a lifetime.
Your assuming I'm judging. Your assumption is no better. I am merely asking for an explanation. So my question to you then, IF your mother Has Alzheimer's or dementia, will she know the difference where she is? Some of our residents are not even oriented to person, place, or time. But of course, you could just be granting her wishes and Ivan respect that. What about families who never even bother to call? Some residents are still "with it" enough to answer appropriately.
Your posts are riddled with judgment, you say you respect someones decision then demand an explanation.
If they don't know where they are or who their family members are then what does it matter if any of them visit? Would it be upsetting for you to have a total stranger suddenly showed your living room wanting to visit? That is what it is like for many, many dementia sufferers. How would you like to repeatedly learn that your husband is dead?
Even well meaning family members become invading strangers to disrupt their security and routines. Going to visit mom (who doesn't know who you are) when it triggers anxiety, agitation and behaviors is cruel and the majority of people who would do that are doing it purely for their own purposes, not because 'mom' wants or needs it.
No we don't throw out their wishes. Which is why I said I can respect that. I don't know what my decision would be if one of my parents decided they wanted to be in one place while I was in another far off area. I think that if they were demented enough, I would find a way to move them closer to me and the family. I would want to be with them on holidays and be actively involved with their care. So I would probably find a way to move them. I would see how well they could adjust to the new environment. But if they are so distraught and depressed then I have no other choice but to bring them back to where they belong. Can't say I didn't try. I just hope I never have to make a decision like that. But if i do, I would HOPE that I am always able to visit, near or far.
You completely contradict yourself! You say you don't disregard someone's wishes and can respect another's choices then describe a loose plan to do exactly that if ever placed in that position. That you'd disregard their wishes because they are no longer competent, force them into an unfamiliar environment they didn't chose and if it didn't work out, further traumatize them with another move. And you work with dementia patients and think this is potentially a good idea.
Because withdrawing those meds is far more likely to cause more pain and suffering than not. It may shorten their lives expectancy but could destroy any comfort or quality of what life remains.
Off topic, but I can't count the number of times I've seen a resident deteriorate to the point of the doctor deciding to cease all meds (except analgesics) only to have the resident immediately improve, often to the point of being able to have their analgesia reduced and living comfortably for several more months. A couple of years longer in a few cases.
I always wonder why we can't start trialling stopping all these drugs a bit sooner. I find it hard to believe that every 85 year old needs to be on what seems like a thousand tablets a day.
I agree. if you ever loved your mom or dad you won't let others took care of them. Other caregiver (I'm not saying all) don't care on what your moms feeling right now or let's say they having some pain or something that makes them uncomfortable. But the caregiver just ignored it. why? because they had a lot of patient to take care if and yet it is not their mom or dad they taking of so they don't even care about them. They just care about the money they care on that facility. So if you do really love your parents you won't send them to nursing homes. You must care for them as they cared for you like you were in your developmental stage.. :redbeathe
Respectfully I disagree and have to say I fail to see how you formed your opinion. I work LTC, I watch my staff give care to thier patients just as they would give care to thier family members. We provide a safe place for those who cannot care for themselves. We watch each and every one of those people and can tell the smallest change in behavior and health. When they are crying in thier sleep, my staff and myself will go and sit with them, hold thier hands, listen to thier fears, or wrap our arms around them and hold them for as long as they need. Yes we have other patients to watch over, but each person is special and loved by us. I have seen CNA's and Nurses take turns sitting with a dying patient while waitting for the family to arrive. I have watched as Nurses took patients out to dinner or church or a movie. I have seen people take the time on thier day off to accompany a patient to the Dr's when the family couldn't. We don't care what it costs for a person to stay in our faculity, in fact, if asked most of us have no clue how much it costs to stay. The reality is that each and every one of our charges become family to us. No, they are not family by blood, but just as important, they become family of the heart!
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
all of you folks who took care of your parents at home are used to getting kudos for it. how would you all feel if, instead, people like me told you, "oh, you're a horrible parent to expose your children to grandma who is mean and abusive!!"? "or, you're a selfish person to make your husband live with that parent of yours just so you can feel good about not sending him/her to assisted living!"? or "your children deserve your attention and your support. how can you make them take second place to that old man who doesn't even know who they are?"
My Mum has always said not to put her in a nursing home. She says (if competent) she will simply refuse. I think as a society it's too convenient an excuse just to shove people into a place where they will probably, in most cases, just rot away. I've seen people literally die from loneliness in those awful places, cos their family are 'too busy' to visit them, or can't be bothered with them. I dread the thought of going into one myself. I've tried as a RN to spend as much time talking to these lonely people as I can, but most times, I just don't have the time.
I believe in keeping people in their home (barring illness such as alzheimers). I think the future should be geared towards community nursing and home support. It seems to work well at my hospital anyway.
To me, personally, nursing homes & LTCs are just a 'storage place' to put inconvenient relatives until they die. It's an old-fashioned, out-dated practice.
But the government won't keep people in their homes, as it costs too much money for community supports; even meals on wheels here only deliver 2 meals a day in smaller towns cos it costs too much to run. When it boils down to it, it's cheaper and more convenient just to herd people together - a bit like cattle.
The whole institution of 'caring for our elders in their twilight years with respect & dignity' stinks.
So by your reasoning I should have gone against my mother's expressed wishes that I not bring her into my home when she was imminently terminal rather than placing her in the SNF where she had worked for 15 years and was loved by the staff, as she verbally requested, repeatedly.
Or how about my father? He and my stepmother abused me and my (older) stepsibiling so severely that CPS told my mother they would place me in foster care if she allowed me to go back and placed my stepsibs with their biological father, in the 70s. I made an attempt at reconciliation when I was 20 because my step-mother had run off with another man and he seemed to have changed. He abducted my 2 year old daughter and hid her for 6 weeks because he didn't approve of my husband.
You know nothing of which you speak, nothing.
I had my back broken by a 48 year old man who was a big, strong, healthy steelmill worker until 4 weeks before he was admitted to my facility due to Lewy body disease. His wife had 3 young children at home, do you honestly think taking him home would have been the "right" thing for his wife to do? How about his elderly parents, should they have taken him home to care for him? Or maybe his siblings with young children?
Ohh I'm sorry about that. Anyways Do we have the same parents? Do we have the same experiences? :) I'm sure its not. Look the reason why you said that or you give a opinion like that is because of your BAD experiences with your parents but for me I don't have any bad experiences with mine so I must took care of them that's what I'm talking about. if your parents are abusive and so you want them to stay to a nursing home so that's you opinion/thought about this topic. We'll opinions differ from each other based o its cultures, experiences and attitude so I know most of you will agree to put them in a nursing homes because it is how to deal with your parents being abusive maybe also by the culture or experiences with your parents. Ok then I don't disagree with that because it's your opinion and you SHOULD not give a negative comment on someone opinion just because you don't like it or it doesn't fit yours. :)
Respectfully I disagree and have to say I fail to see how you formed your opinion. I work LTC, I watch my staff give care to thier patients just as they would give care to thier family members. We provide a safe place for those who cannot care for themselves. We watch each and every one of those people and can tell the smallest change in behavior and health. When they are crying in thier sleep, my staff and myself will go and sit with them, hold thier hands, listen to thier fears, or wrap our arms around them and hold them for as long as they need. Yes we have other patients to watch over, but each person is special and loved by us. I have seen CNA's and Nurses take turns sitting with a dying patient while waitting for the family to arrive. I have watched as Nurses took patients out to dinner or church or a movie. I have seen people take the time on thier day off to accompany a patient to the Dr's when the family couldn't. We don't care what it costs for a person to stay in our faculity, in fact, if asked most of us have no clue how much it costs to stay. The reality is that each and every one of our charges become family to us. No, they are not family by blood, but just as important, they become family of the heart!
Did I say all of you? I only said SOME. So if you're not one of those then exclude yourself from what I said about nursing homes
So instead of me watching over 65 residents in the dining room...just in case one chokes or needs cpr...I can do what I should be doing...caring for the ones not well enough to even GET to the dining room. Instead I'm getting paid to be a cafeteria lady? Get an administrator in there....let us nurses actually NURSE.
I feel this is a perfectly acceptable and appropriate nursing action: monitoring your patients to make sure they do not choke.
I do not understand why you do not view this as nursing?
This is not important?
What????
You are saying it is a waste of your time to monitor patients and do CPR?
That is not nurses actually nursing?
I'm baffled.
(Sorry, I know this is not quite on topic, but this post left me scratching my head and feeling annoyed.)
I think the best policy here for families who have a working relationship with their parents is prevention. Have the important conversations early regarding their wishes, and what is possible for your family (i.e. if you are going to lose your house without the dual income and a parent needs 24 hour care, it may not be possible do provide the care you WANT to provide and the care your loved one NEEDS). I feel its the same with code-status, life-saving measures-type conversations, at one point is it okay for us to take you off a vent if you end up in a persistent vegetative state? Two weeks? Six Months? Never?
Keep in mind this is for those who have working relationships with their parents. Reading these posts I hear stories of people who had to endure what would seem to be un-endurable, kudos to you all for surviving those times.
There are great nursing homes, decent nursing homes, and not so great ones. I think if the nurse patient ratio was lower more proper nursing care could be provided. Right now I have 38 patients, 3 g-tubes, 3 dressing changes, and about 10 fingersticks. I am so busy passing meds, and doing treatments that I feel I am only providing the very BASIC level of nursing care. The nursing supervisors/managers have no patient interaction. The CNA's are great everyone is well taken care of as far as hygiene and what not. I would love to acutally be able to look through the charts, and sit down and talk to my residents and have a more "wholism" approach. The rare times I do have small talk with residents they are always so happy and so am I.
I also think that a good nursing home should have a superb recreation department. Like pet therapy, getting your hair and nails done, arts and crafts ect.
I'm fascinated by the number of people who are comfortable judging the decisions of others. Arrogance combined with complacent ignorance is frightening - I really hope the majority of you* aren't practitioners.
Not wishing to judge at all ... just making an observation here
Some families seem to pool financial resources and this helps make the multi-generational household work
eg Italian, Lebanese,Greek, Croatian people where I live will buy a home together. Parents leftover money plus welfare check will pay for non-family caregivers if needed, medications and extras.
This seems to work for southern european and asian cultures but seems not a lifestyle choice preferred by other cultures (from my own observation).
Not wishing to step on toes here .... I understand the pressures many families face and the challenges that render a nursing home the better choice than previous situation.
However .... I would suggest that cultural factors do play a part in this issue.
Having Western Euro, Southern Euro and MiddleEastern roots I can see the cultural issues at play here
kids
1 Article; 2,334 Posts
You only get the history people are willing to share. There are 4 people in this world that know the sexual abuse my ex-husband experienced at the hands of his mother, him, me, his psychiatrist and her. She's a prominent member of her church and community he would NEVER disclose that information if he even cared to involve himself in placing her. And it's not because of concern for her reputation, at 50 years old he's still humiliated by her treatment. You may get some background but I'll wager if someone has been abusive or cruel to their family their friends aren't going to know about it. You may get some background but very rarely is anyone going to allow a bunch of strangers to be privy to the secrets and scars they have carried a lifetime.
Your posts are riddled with judgment, you say you respect someones decision then demand an explanation.If they don't know where they are or who their family members are then what does it matter if any of them visit? Would it be upsetting for you to have a total stranger suddenly showed your living room wanting to visit? That is what it is like for many, many dementia sufferers. How would you like to repeatedly learn that your husband is dead?
Even well meaning family members become invading strangers to disrupt their security and routines. Going to visit mom (who doesn't know who you are) when it triggers anxiety, agitation and behaviors is cruel and the majority of people who would do that are doing it purely for their own purposes, not because 'mom' wants or needs it.
You completely contradict yourself! You say you don't disregard someone's wishes and can respect another's choices then describe a loose plan to do exactly that if ever placed in that position. That you'd disregard their wishes because they are no longer competent, force them into an unfamiliar environment they didn't chose and if it didn't work out, further traumatize them with another move. And you work with dementia patients and think this is potentially a good idea.