Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
You do not know the backstory on these pt's, you have no right to judge these people and their families. To you what may be a sweet little old lady may have been a cruel vicious woman who in her younger days beat her children mercilessly with leather belts. The nice gentleman down the hall with a twinkle in his eye may have molested his daughters and beat his sons half to death. YOU DO NOT KNOW, and it may be a mercy that the grown up children put them in a nursing home versus taking care of them at home and subjecting them to exactly the type of care they received while growing up.
One thing I do agree, it is heartbreaking, because sometimes the dementia does make the pt's personality nicer before they lose all cognitive function...but by that time it is often too late for the family to even try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes it is better not to even try.
Just imagine the heartache of trying to heal from the heartache of a lifetime of abuse, trying to do the right thing, spending money you can ill afford to pay for care on the person who abused you your entire life, because this is the person who should have loved you more than anything, but they didn't. It's a raw aching wound on your pysche that doesn't get to heal, because it keeps getting torn open, over and over again. Then when you do have to go in for a visit, or a call for an update, nothing but attitude from nurses and cna's. Because you are the bad person for putting mom or dad in a nursing home. Caregiver role strain is a valid nursing dx, but I think some people are forgetting about it.
What I get angry about is people who go and on about sand, but can't see the big hulking piece of timber in their eye. I am generally not about quoting the Bible, but I do agree when it says to honor thy parents and it also says for parents to not provoke your children unto wrath. Think on it, I think there is a reason for both sides. To get respect you have to give it.
I know all about family abuse and molestation PERSONALLY! Don't get me started on that. And I do know some backgrounds on my residents. Some of them have no children and rely on distant families or nieces. But even those people make it seem like a burden to come visit (some of them). But anyway, upon admission, we do get some extensive history on the resident from their families and friends. More than we require sometimes because thetransition is such an emotional period that they share their stories with us. It is amazing what we can learn about our residents' past lives. So yes, I do know a good amount. I am sure I don't know the whole story, but we do get a good glimpse into the past. And I can say that the residents who were "awful" to their children, those are the families that actually stop by occasionally. Funny isn't it. Maybe this is thefamilies' way ofgetting that love they didn't get before? Who knows. Anyway, maybe I don't think all the background stories, fine. But I guarantee you that there are a few residents who were not bad parents, but their children do not come. How do you explain that?
please don't judge. i live over a thousand miles from my mother, and between paying for a flight, renting a car to drive the two hours from the airport to the small town where she lives, staying in a motel and eating out, it costs me over $1000 every time i visit her. i visit as often as i can, but i cannot afford to visit as often as i'd like.
distance is one thing. you also cannot know what went on with your lovely residents when they were raising those children. my mother was abusive; for a long time i refused to see her or deal with her at all. i've had two years of a lovely relationship with her as her dementia progressed, but there was a time when i swore i'd never see her/talk to her again. i left home the day after my high school graduation to escape the constant beatings and belittling. i have friends who have completely cut off their parents for similar reasons. one friend's mother used to abuse her children when she came to visit . . . and that's why her mother is in a nursing home instead of living with her family. you have to protect your children.
yes this is true, but all bad parents aside, what about those who were good to their children and don't get any visits. if distance is an issue, why not bring her to a closer nursing home. some of our residents have been moved for that reason.
My grandmother wasn't a nice person, even before she got sick -- she took every "nerve pill" she could get a script for, and she would "forget" that I was outside as a child and lock the door so she could drink and get buzzed, leaving me outside in summer Florida heat with no water, and no way to get cool. I used to get into the crawl space under the house just to try to get out of the sun.
She ended up with dementia, and the pleasant persona she put on for everyone outside the family disappeared. She would curse, tell people what she'd been telling us about them for years, she poisoned my cat and kept telling me I needed to "go off somewhere, we don't need you." I don't know who she thought I was, but I moved back home to help my mom look after her, and it was a nightmare. She killed my cat, threw bleach on my clothes when I was washing them, decided I didn't "need" my textbooks (I was working on a master's) and threw them away, and did every thing she could to convince my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She told everyone in the family how terrible we were to her (because I slept outside her door to make sure she didn't get up and wander), that we were keeping her a prisoner, etc. One night when I was actually trying to sleep in my bed, she set the kitchen on fire -- only because my dad had to get up to pee did he see the flames -- she'd taken the batteries out of the smoke detector because their "noise" bothered her. So we had to place her in a nursing home.
All crap broke lose. She was calling her sisters all night long, telling them we'd thrown her out of the house she'd bought for us (my grandma never owned anything in her life, she drank and pilled all her money away), so the family's thinking mom's somehow "taking" grandma's money (she didn't have any). My aunt called me pitching a fit, and I told her she could check Grandma out and take her home with her any time she wanted to. She came to visit, saw what we'd been living with for YEARS and couldn't get her tail back home fast enough.
So, I guess for the folks who tell people they're terrible for putting someone in a nursing home...I'd advise them to actually go volunteer in a facility, especially the alzheimer's unit. It's a locked unit, for a reason. Spend the night as a volunteer. You won't criticize someone for doing the right thing for their family member again.
Really sorry for you having to go through that experience. I had a demented resident who was just so out of her mind that we had to remove her from our whole facility. She would curse at all the staff and yell at the residents. She kept saying that there was a fire. She was moved from our locked dementia unit because she needed much more care, but we couldn't give her the care she needed. She needed an institution. So i understand when someone is too much to handle for a family. This resident was too much that a facility couldn't handle her!
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
yes this is true, but all bad parents aside, what about those who were good to their children and don't get any visits. if distance is an issue, why not bring her to a closer nursing home. some of our residents have been moved for that reason.
again with the judging. my mother made the decision when she was still able to make decisions that she never wanted to move away from the county where she'd lived her whole life. she's in the nursing home in which she was a volunteer for forty years, the one she chose when she could still choose. i'm not ashamed of the decisions that i've made, but it makes me furious when others think they have room to judge.
again with the judging. my mother made the decision when she was still able to make decisions that she never wanted to move away from the county where she'd lived her whole life. she's in the nursing home in which she was a volunteer for forty years, the one she chose when she could still choose. i'm not ashamed of the decisions that i've made, but it makes me furious when others think they have room to judge.
your assuming i'm judging. your assumption is no better. i am merely asking for an explanation. so my question to you then, if your mother has alzheimer's or dementia, will she know the difference where she is? some of our residents are not even oriented to person, place, or time. but of course, you could just be granting her wishes and ivan respect that. what about families who never even bother to call? some residents are still "with it" enough to answer appropriately.
Your assuming I'm judging. Your assumption is no better. I am merely asking for an explanation. So my question to you then, IF your mother Has Alzheimer's or dementia, will she know the difference where she is? Some of our residents are not even oriented to person, place, or time. But of course, you could just be granting her wishes and Ivan respect that. What about families who never even bother to call? Some residents are still "with it" enough to answer appropriately.
Yes it will make a difference as to where she is, especially if her mother chose the place beforehand. Just because someone gets dementia does not mean that we throw their advance directives out the window Willy niilly.
Also if this was a place her mother frequented for 40 years prior as a volunteer, then the memory of this place is stored in longterm memory, it is familiar to her and special to her.
Yes it will make a difference as to where she is, especially if her mother chose the place beforehand. Just because someone gets dementia does not mean that we throw their advance directives out the window Willy niilly.
Also if this was a place her mother frequented for 40 years prior as a volunteer, then the memory of this place is stored in longterm memory, it is familiar to her and special to her.
No we don't throw out their wishes. Which is why I said I can respect that. I don't know what my decision would be if one of my parents decided they wanted to be in one place while I was in another far off area. I think that if they were demented enough, I would find a way to move them closer to me and the family. I would want to be with them on holidays and be actively involved with their care. So I would probably find a way to move them. I would see how well they could adjust to the new environment. But if they are so distraught and depressed then I have no other choice but to bring them back to where they belong. Can't say I didn't try. I just hope I never have to make a decision like that. But if i do, I would HOPE that I am always able to visit, near or far.
I think nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc...are wonderful options for families who don't have another choice...My husband and I are faced with those decisions, his mother is paralyzed( been that way since he was 9. His father is dying of cancer. My mother is sick. And I can't tell you its not a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty because we won't be able to personally take care of them. I agree with moat of the posters here that decision, is definitely a personal one, I can say though thinking you can do it all is equally as selfish.
I'm so sorry you're having to make these decisions. Please don't beat yourself up about not being able to do the impossible It's more than anybody can do without a LOT of help. :hug:
Unfortunately, there have been many reports of serious physical,sexual and verbal abuse among our nation's nursing homes. I worked in many nursing homes on night shift. The nursing homes I worked in rarely had adequate staffing and rarely enough linen to even change the incontinent patients that needed changing during the night. We all complained to the head supervisors about it but still nothing was done.
Lots of reports of people being abused in private homes as well Elder abuse is a big problem outside of facilities.
Your assuming I'm judging. Your assumption is no better. I am merely asking for an explanation. So my question to you then, IF your mother Has Alzheimer's or dementia, will she know the difference where she is? Some of our residents are not even oriented to person, place, or time. But of course, you could just be granting her wishes and Ivan respect that. What about families who never even bother to call? Some residents are still "with it" enough to answer appropriately.
You have no business asking for an explanation, I think that is the point. What will you do with this explanation? Determine the validity of the family's absence? It is irrelevant to your patient care.
I'm not on the nursing home side of nursing, but I used to get a ton, and I do mean a ton of patients just before holidays --- crazy aunt Jane wasn't going to ruin Christmas this year, we're not spending Thanksgiving trying to find where dad's wandered off to again. So, starting about 2 or 3 days before, we'd get a string of "oh, they're all right, just a little forgetful, but they're having chest pain/dizzy spells/falls/seizures." Of course, these people were having none of these. And the pts would be coming off the chain, ranting, raving, getting put in restraints because they were fighting us, wandering into other patient's rooms and yelling at them to get out of their house, etc. When I say I hate working holidays, that's why, because we're going to be a skeleton crew with people who really need a psych placement or 1 on 1 to keep them from hurting themselves. I don't blame the families for needing a break, been there myself and I would have sold my soul for a night's sleep where we weren't worried something bad would happen, but I do blame them for not telling us how bad things are so they can get their family member admitted.
We were very lucky to find a placement for my grandma. It's hard finding a bed on the spot for somewhere good, and when we've had people who wanted to move a family from a facility in our state to one in theirs or visa versa (we're near the state line), it's a huge deal -- you have to move from one state's medicaid to another, you have to find a place willing to take the patient contingent on them being accepted by medicaid (you can't get state funds from a state you don't live in, but you can't live in it unless you get state funds to be able to afford it). We often end up with folks placed with us as the family tries to get a bed situation worked out; sometimes it falls thru, and we've had people up on the floors for weeks until the social workers get the medicaid fixed. If they don't, the family has to take them home, whether or not they have a bed, a room, or any way of keeping a severely demented person safe while the adults work. Then they come back thru via the ER, and they are malnurished, failure to thrive, found wandering in winter, or worse, pulled from a pond or river.
My big question is: what are we going to do with all the baby boomers when they hit dementia's prime time? We don't have the beds to put these folks in, and there's a lot of families who are teetering on the brink of losing homes; they can't afford in home care or to pay for a SNF or NH themselves, even if there's an opening.
It's more than anybody can do without a LOT of help. :hug:
Elder abuse is a big problem outside of facilities.
m.k.a.u.
15 Posts
I know all about family abuse and molestation PERSONALLY! Don't get me started on that. And I do know some backgrounds on my residents. Some of them have no children and rely on distant families or nieces. But even those people make it seem like a burden to come visit (some of them). But anyway, upon admission, we do get some extensive history on the resident from their families and friends. More than we require sometimes because thetransition is such an emotional period that they share their stories with us. It is amazing what we can learn about our residents' past lives. So yes, I do know a good amount. I am sure I don't know the whole story, but we do get a good glimpse into the past. And I can say that the residents who were "awful" to their children, those are the families that actually stop by occasionally. Funny isn't it. Maybe this is thefamilies' way ofgetting that love they didn't get before? Who knows. Anyway, maybe I don't think all the background stories, fine. But I guarantee you that there are a few residents who were not bad parents, but their children do not come. How do you explain that?