Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
My siblings thought i was saving up all my mom's money from Social Security. That caring for her was cheap. My mom's medicine cost $800 a month, and her check wa for $500. I put up the rest and provided her food, clothing, shelter and a life. It's funny what people think you could become rich off of a social security check. If that is all you are looking to get, you are not getting much for your effort.
Yes I am a horrible person. How dare I take care of my own mother at home for 8 years!!!!!
No, Blackcat, you are not a horrible person for taking care of your mother for 8 years. That's not what everyone up in arms. Congratulations, you're wonderful, you did good, pat on the back.
That being said, apparently you had the time, the money, the wherewithal to do so. You mother was apparently able to be taken to the doctor, you had someone to take care of her while you worked or went to the grocery store, or wherever you went. It is your judgement of those who don't have all that that has rankled up the troops.
You know what, I work in LTC, and I "took care" of my mother too. She could walk, and talk, and she had money enough to pay someone to care for her while I was at work. I did her laundry took her to the Dr., got up at night to help her to the bathroom or emptied the BSC.
But then, I am not throwing stones. You never know what cards life is going to deal you. But I know this, we are the first generation to know that if we get to the place we can't take care of ourselves we are going to LTC. Our children will have to work. So pack your bags Blackcat, I have a bed waiting for you.
Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
enchantmentdis...I remember a post of yours in a similar thread a while ago, where you were at your wits end with the living arrangement. I'm sad to see that the situation hasn't changed.
Well, it does help that i have a full time job that i love. I also have a lovely sixteen year old daughter who is doing well in school and usually doesn't give me any grief, though Mom creeps her out. My husband has a grand-daughter he enjoys. Things aren't that bad, but it is exasperating that my husband's mother is essentially physically and mentally the same as she was twelve years ago, the decline is very slow. From start to finish how long does it take for dementia to finish it's course? No disease is more baffling to me. It would be nice to go overseas on a two week vacation with just my husband. We are in a very long waiting game here. My husband says that if she falls and breaks her hip, that's it--she'll have to go to a nursing home. In the past year she has fallen three times in front of us, and, miraculously she never got hurt. In her 60s and 70s she walked in her neighborhood each night and was always at a decent weight. I'm sure her bones are in good shape because of that; and there are no comorbidities--without heart disease, stroke, or diabetes, apparently these folks can last and last. We've had some dementia patients on hospice for one or two years. The woman has staying power.
No, Blackcat, you are not a horrible person for taking care of your mother for 8 years. That's not what everyone up in arms. Congratulations, you're wonderful, you did good, pat on the back.
That being said, apparently you had the time, the money, the wherewithal to do so. You mother was apparently able to be taken to the doctor, you had someone to take care of her while you worked or went to the grocery store, or wherever you went. It is your judgement of those who don't have all that that has rankled up the troops.
You know what, I work in LTC, and I "took care" of my mother too. She could walk, and talk, and she had money enough to pay someone to care for her while I was at work. I did her laundry took her to the Dr., got up at night to help her to the bathroom or emptied the BSC.
But then, I am not throwing stones. You never know what cards life is going to deal you. But I know this, we are the first generation to know that if we get to the place we can't take care of ourselves we are going to LTC. Our children will have to work. So pack your bags Blackcat, I have a bed waiting for you.
Where did I say everyone has to take care of their loved ones at home? I never said it.
Don't save a bed for me. I will not be going to LTC. I will go live on the streets with the homeless.
The hardest thing I ever did in my life was to sign the papers to have my Mother placed. I had no other choice, My Father could not manage her care anymore- she was incontinent and wandered at night. They lived 250 miles away from me.
I live in a one bedroom condo.
My choices - give up my job, my home, my friends and move back in with them.
Sell my condo, buy a large house that I could not afford and move my parents away from their home and their friends.
Or place my Mom.
Thankfuly, she never made it to the nursing home. She was a stroke 3 days after I signed the papers and died less than a week later. I'm still convinced she did it on purpose because she didn't want to spend her last days in a nursing home.
I never said that everyone should care for their loved one at home. I specifically said that some people can handle the stress and some people cannot. I specifically said that everyone is different. I totally understand that some people do need to be in nursing homes. I am being attacked for no reason.
You used the word "dumped." That negated the rest.
My grandmother wasn't a nice person, even before she got sick -- she took every "nerve pill" she could get a script for, and she would "forget" that I was outside as a child and lock the door so she could drink and get buzzed, leaving me outside in summer Florida heat with no water, and no way to get cool. I used to get into the crawl space under the house just to try to get out of the sun.
She ended up with dementia, and the pleasant persona she put on for everyone outside the family disappeared. She would curse, tell people what she'd been telling us about them for years, she poisoned my cat and kept telling me I needed to "go off somewhere, we don't need you." I don't know who she thought I was, but I moved back home to help my mom look after her, and it was a nightmare. She killed my cat, threw bleach on my clothes when I was washing them, decided I didn't "need" my textbooks (I was working on a master's) and threw them away, and did every thing she could to convince my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She told everyone in the family how terrible we were to her (because I slept outside her door to make sure she didn't get up and wander), that we were keeping her a prisoner, etc. One night when I was actually trying to sleep in my bed, she set the kitchen on fire -- only because my dad had to get up to pee did he see the flames -- she'd taken the batteries out of the smoke detector because their "noise" bothered her. So we had to place her in a nursing home.
All crap broke lose. She was calling her sisters all night long, telling them we'd thrown her out of the house she'd bought for us (my grandma never owned anything in her life, she drank and pilled all her money away), so the family's thinking mom's somehow "taking" grandma's money (she didn't have any). My aunt called me pitching a fit, and I told her she could check Grandma out and take her home with her any time she wanted to. She came to visit, saw what we'd been living with for YEARS and couldn't get her tail back home fast enough.
So, I guess for the folks who tell people they're terrible for putting someone in a nursing home...I'd advise them to actually go volunteer in a facility, especially the alzheimer's unit. It's a locked unit, for a reason. Spend the night as a volunteer. You won't criticize someone for doing the right thing for their family member again.
Nursing Homes can absolutely be great places for elderly people, they need to make changes though. An LPN or RN can not adequately care for 30+ people in 8 hours I don't care how routine it is everyday. Between passing a million pills, treatments, charting, and other various things its just impossible. If they reduced the amount to maybe no more than 18-20 depending on acuity I think the overall quality of care and life of these people would be better. Our Rehab section has 1 RN for potentially 25 people?? Thats unsafe imo.
I used to work with Geriatric patients. I treated them like they were my grandparents. That being said however, some families are unable to take care of their elderly parents etc. In this day age, it takes 2 incomes just to make ends meet. Some of these elderly patients require tremendous care.
We dont know the family dynamics of these people. That "sweet" little old man may have been a raging alcoholic who used to beat his wife and kids in his younger days. That could only be one of dozen reasons why the family may not visit him.
Some families are overwhelmed with the guilt about having no other choice but to place their loved in a nursing facility. There needs to be more nurses and cna's in facilities. But thanks to government cutbacks, and greedy corporations, nursing care is the first to suffer the ramifications. And ultimately, the elderly suffer too.
I used to be one nurse for 45 residents at night, with just 2 cna's. We would bust our tail the whole shift, but it never seemed that it was enough.
Don't judge other peoples painful decisions. You may have to make the same one yourself one day.
I now work in a ltc like facility for medically fragile children. I have no more then 17 kids and usually around 4-5 cnas. I do miss my geriatric patients though! I loved to hear their stories from when they were younger. Reminded me of my grandparents!
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
it is absolutely a ridiculous mindset. i used to think exactly like that. i would think "how can you put your family in a nursing home and leave them there?". but then i started working a ccrc continuing care retirement home in the skilled nursing unit. what people have to realize is that caregiving is more than a full time job. it is an around the clock life consuming job. it is a lot to ask of the family to quit their lives and take care of someone. it is not an easy job to care for your loved one who may be suffering from dementia, chronic illnesses, parkinson's, incontinence, etc. it is even harder when you have your own family to take care of. how can you be a full time worker, full time parent, full time spouse, and then have a life as well if you are also take g care of your loved one who can't lift themselves up to get out of bed or even have the cognitive abilities to know where the toilet is. family caregivers are more prone to stress and depression and you are putting yourself at risk. sometimes our loved ones just need more care than we can give. sometimes professionals need to step in as a resort. however, what i am angry about is when families put their loved ones in a care home, leave them there, and never visit. what is that? even during the holidays they don't even show up. i love my residents so much and i never thought that i would ever willingly give my holidays with my own family so i can be with them for a while. it really hurts when families don't ever show up. just imagine sending your old mother to a care home, the person who raised you and cared for you. but you can't even show up to visit. this is just sad. i always appreciate the families who visit regularly. but then i see the residents who don't get visits looking at others' families. it is heartbreaking.
please don't judge. i live over a thousand miles from my mother, and between paying for a flight, renting a car to drive the two hours from the airport to the small town where she lives, staying in a motel and eating out, it costs me over $1000 every time i visit her. i visit as often as i can, but i cannot afford to visit as often as i'd like.
distance is one thing. you also cannot know what went on with your lovely residents when they were raising those children. my mother was abusive; for a long time i refused to see her or deal with her at all. i've had two years of a lovely relationship with her as her dementia progressed, but there was a time when i swore i'd never see her/talk to her again. i left home the day after my high school graduation to escape the constant beatings and belittling. i have friends who have completely cut off their parents for similar reasons. one friend's mother used to abuse her children when she came to visit . . . and that's why her mother is in a nursing home instead of living with her family. you have to protect your children.
I never said it.
tiroka03, LPN
393 Posts
My siblings thought i was saving up all my mom's money from Social Security. That caring for her was cheap. My mom's medicine cost $800 a month, and her check wa for $500. I put up the rest and provided her food, clothing, shelter and a life. It's funny what people think you could become rich off of a social security check. If that is all you are looking to get, you are not getting much for your effort.