Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
When my parents were 65, my father retired and my parents chose to move to a retirement community very near to where they had lived for many years -- one of those places with different levels of housing, everything from totally independent cottages and appartments to assisted living to full care. Their own parents had spent their last years there, too.
The place is great ... clean ... caring people ... and they take good care of their residents. They have all sorts of services available to enable seniors to be as independent for as they can for as long as they can (e.g. shuttle busses to different buildings within the community, a fitness center, delivered meals, an inexpensive restaurant onsite, an RN on call 24/7, etc.) They help the residents and families move from one level to the next as needed, etc. 3 of my grandparents and my mother eventually died there. My father died in a hospital at age 67. My mother remairied at age 72 and died at age 74. My step-father still lives in that same retirment community. They had a great, happy courtship and marriage in that retirement community. My mother really lived there as part of an active community of seniors: she could not have been as active if she had been living in her old home without the support for participation in the community's activities.
My 58 year old sister and her 70 year old husband are planning to move into one of their higher-end independent cottages as soon as the economy improves enough for them to sell their house. Someday, I'll live (and hopefully) die there too, someday.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
related to complaints about nursing homes i've heard arguments like "if they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. they'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
also, "what do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. if they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
what are your ideas about these opinions?
i've got both a mother and a mother-in-law in nursing homes, and believe me, i hear that a lot. i wish people would mind their own danged business. no one knows what's going on in someone else's life, home or family.
mamita has dementia. her oldest daughter leona ostensibly tried to take care of her at home, but leona was more interested in mamita's pension check than she was in mamita. knowing what i know of the way mamita raised her children -- or abdicated it to anyone else she could get to take responsibility for them -- i can understand why leona would feel that way. but . . . during hurricane katrina, mamita walked away from an evacuation center. leona claims that she "looked for her for a whole hour." i suspect she stood in one place for an hour and gabbed with passersby while keeping one eye out for mamita, but whatever. mamita was lost in the disaster zone that was new orleans for four days. if she was questionably demented before katrina (and i thought that was a given), she was definitely demented afterward. her one goal in life was to leave whatever place she was in to go "home." meaning the home she'd lived in for thirty years that was now under water. she couldn't remember that her home was underwater for two consecutive minutes and, dementia being what it is, you couldn't reason with her. any time you turned your back on her, she'd try to get away, and if you objected, she got violent. clearly no one could take care of her in their home -- you couldn't take your eyes off of her for a moment and after she attacked my sister-in-law with a scythe, no one wanted to risk having her in their home while they were trying to sleep. she's in a locked dementia ward. she's safe, fed, medicated appropriately and isn't wandering or assaulting anyone. that's a p lus.
my mother has alzheimer's. i tried to take care of her at home for three weeks during which time i couldn't take my eyes off mom for a moment. it was january in the midwest, below zero weather, and mom was always wandering outside without a coat or even shoes. she'd get disoriented, forget what she was doing and not remember how to get inside. i couldn't close the door to take a shower or go to the bathroom -- mom would wander or she'd turn the gas on the stove but not light the burner or she'd stuff the wood stove full of wood until it glowed red. sleeping was out of the question. for three weeks, the only sleep i got was when i fell asleep at the four way stops on my way to her doctors' appointments, waiting for my turn across the intersection. by the time we found her placement in an assisted living, i was psychotic. literally batshit crazy. sleep deprivation could do that for you. even me taking weeks off work to take care of her wasn't enough. and i can't afford to quit work forever to look out for mom. mom wouldn't want me to. she decided years ago when her brother was dying of alzheimer's that she would rather go to a nursing home; even picked one out. nevertheless, people are always telling me that "no one can take care of your mother like you can." none of their business. they don't know how hard i tried; they don't know about the abusive childhood i survived.
no one knows what goes on in a household except the people who live there -- and sometimes not even them. my sister was totally oblivious to the abuse i suffered, and to this day will deny that it happened. she was the pampered princess; i was the scapegoat. so if my sister doesn't get it, why would i expect that a random stranger would? or a caregiver at a nursing home? no one is in any position to judge.
and people should mind their own business. if they're not going to be physicially caring for "mom", they don't get an opinion about who does it or where.
Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
Most people have to work for a living, raise children and cannot be available 24/7 to take care of Mom or Dad, thats the first thing, next, not everyone can be a caregiver, thats how so many home care patients end up in the hospital with a bed sore, dehydrated, underweight, and contracted! I'm not saying all but I have seen enough, especially near the holidays, our busy season is coming:mad:
Right. My husband, for instance, has cared for his mother, who has dementia, for the past 12 years. He had her in an ALF for two years when she started physically attacking him--sold her house to keep her there. It was a nice place and she enjoyed it there. Every Sunday we would pick her up and take her out for a hot fudge sunday and my husband visited her three times a week.
But the money was depleted; she has lived with us for the past four years, and it is an incredible strain. He cares for her while i work full time. She is an amazing burden, even though she can still feed herself with lots of prompting--i just tell my husband to not make her eat if she doesn't want to--but he can't do it. If you tell her where the bathroom is she will toilet herself, she also walks, and has few falls, but is very unsteady. Her dementia is an extremely slowly debilitating one. It actually would be easier if she was bedbound and could not talk. She can still say a few words and is very argumentative, especially when he is on the phone for his business.
The biggest issues with mother are refusing to be bathed, not wiping herself well after toileting, sun-downing every single night, and repeatedly trying to leave the house. She often wakes in the night and lumbers about the house. Yes, we have tried many different kinds of meds to control the symptoms. Lately, cough syrup is the cheapest option that knocks her out at night, but each day, no matter what med she gets--seroquel, ativan, xanax, she is up at the crack of dawn like a rooster. My husband just pushes her back toward her bed. She also hallucinates, and when we take her anywhere--yes we have to take her everywhere-- she immediately wants to go home and keeps trying to leave. No other family member will assist with caring for mother. At holidays they really don't want her around either. Her siblings, none of whom have dementia, are very bright, funny, but limit their time with her--I believe they are afraid they will "catch" what she's got. Twelve years ago when she stopped eating, became very agitated and combative, he was concerned and took her to the hospital--they rehydrated her, she gained weight, started eating, and her behavior improved. He now regrets the decision and wishes she would have just passed away then. He has a computer building business that he runs from home, but his mom is also a full time job.
Actually, my husband has been caring for his mom since the mid-70s when his father died. She was never an independent person, he says she was always a nervous person, never learned how to drive, and refused to date or ever marry again. He has given his whole life to this woman. And with the way she eats and drinks just enough to stay alive, looks like she'll be around for a looooooooooooong time. He won't send her to a nursing home because he doesn't want them to take her social security check. Sad, she is actually a very nice lady.
Specializes in psychiatry,geropsych,LTC/SNF, hospice.
After my father-in-law passed away last December, it became obvious my mother-in-law couldn't live on her own for various reasons. Despite her telling us many years ago that she'd never ask to come live with us, she now did. She offered her savings for us to put a downpayment on a new home (my husband and I were renting a house at the time). Surprisingly, it was only 3 months after my fil had passed that we moved in to our new home. We even lucked out in that it's only 2 blocks away from where we were renting! Almost perfect for us--ranch style with 3 bedrooms upstairs, 2 finished rooms and full bathroom in the basement. (Our current family unit consists of myself, my husband, 5 yr old girlchild, 11 yr old boychild, 19 yr old boychild, 22 yr old girlchild, and 78 yr old mil)
Since she's moved in with us, we can't do anything right according to her. But until it gets to the point where she can't get in and out of her chair/bed, she'll be with us. As it is, she needs a wheelchair anytime we take her out. And even then, the last time we were out, when all she needed to do was get in and out of the car/wheelchair 3 times, she was exhausted and pretty much slept for 2 days. (therefore needing to be nagged by me to wake up and eat since she's diabetic).
I can't do errands or even nap in the morning ( I work eve shift and we all know just because it says 3-11 doesn't mean it actually ends at 11:D) after all the kids are at school, because I have to get her up, make sure she eats, clean the commode, and wait for her meals on wheels to be delivered (my husband uses it for her dinner since he's more of a micro the leftovers kind of guy, and she complains if she gets the same food more than twice). My husband works days, comes home, makes sure everyone's fed, homework's done, etc and tries to get to bed at a reasonable hour.
With the youngest finally in school, hubby and I thought we'd finally have some "us" time. Instead, it's all about her.
Again, we'll keep her with us until we won't be physically able to care for her. But I've since told all my kids they are to find me a nice home when my time comes, visit me 3 times a week, sneak me in my beloved pepsi and chocolate, and make sure I'm well medicated. (the 22 yr old girlchild has offered to get me a cane so I can poke people ) I have no desire to burden them with any care needs I might have later in life.
Every situation is different. There's no broad answer to the topic. Our situation works for us for now. When it doesn't, I already have toured two facilities to consider for mil when the times comes. Can't hurt to be prepared
enchantmentdis...I remember a post of yours in a similar thread a while ago, where you were at your wits end with the living arrangement. I'm sad to see that the situation hasn't changed.
My grandmother passed away last year at the age of 89. She lived with my mom for 20 years, and all was well, until she was in her last 2 months of life.
Her illness caused her to become confused and weak, which made her both a fall and potential flight risk. She needed help with eating, bathing, going to the bathroom, you name it. And she was feisty and stubborn, making it harder to care for her, because she would always fight and refuse the help.
Granted, my mother kept her at home until the end. But she would NEVER have been able to do so, without the help of our entire family (and eventually hospice that last weekend). Why? Because my grandmother needed to be watched 24/7. And my mother still had to work part-time during the day, and sleep at least part of the night in order to function.
If the rest of us (at least 10 other family members) weren't around to help in shifts, there's no way my mom could have pulled it off. No question about it. Many people don't have the option of staying home all day or paying someone to care for a family member. Nor do they have relatives who can/will chip in to help. What then??
Sometimes a nursing home truly is the ONLY choice. It's easy to point the finger if you have never been in the situation, or were fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with your loved one. But there are all kinds of reasons why people end up in nursing homes, that aren't due to the family not loving them enough.
for me. I won't work at a LTC/nursing home that I feel gives substandard care AND that I can't make a positive change for the better.
Plenty give substandard care...just because of staffing issues not because they intend to. I think they get caught up in "it's the way it's always been done" as opposed to thinking of new ideas about patient care, selective hiring practices and setting schedules, timetables and consequences for substandard care.
I do think that many bad nursing homes could be changed...but it's just apathy. The feeling you can't make the change alone. Mgmt who is too interested in the bottom line ($$$) than overall positive change is a problem. I understand they need $ to operate but how about not skimping on the little things...hand sanitizer, gloves, GOOD personnel who like and want to do their jobs, administrators who are not just good at pushing papers but can actually lend a hand if needed..not just call in people who can...at time and a half or agency prices.
I may be a new grad. A jobless new grad ...and maybe I'm a bit eccentric in my thinking that team nursing really means having an adequate team to work with. From administrators on down...I also think everyone who works in a LTC/nursing home...in ANY capacity should have CPR training and emergancy training.
So instead of me watching over 65 residents in the dining room...just in case one chokes or needs cpr...I can do what I should be doing...caring for the ones not well enough to even GET to the dining room. Instead I'm getting paid to be a cafeteria lady? Get an administrator in there....let us nurses actually NURSE.
Blackcat, it is great that you were able to care for her at home. It was your dismissal of everyone who can't that rankled.
I never said that everyone should care for their loved one at home. I specifically said that some people can handle the stress and some people cannot. I specifically said that everyone is different. I totally understand that some people do need to be in nursing homes. I am being attacked for no reason.
Really? The elderly are NOT in a developmental stage. They won't grow a little smarter/a little stronger everyday. More than likely they will decline a little more each day.
It is very easy to pass judgement on what others should/should not do until YOU have to provide that care.
I have admitted many residents and hear the guilt in the family stories.
The Dad that was driving down the highway at 2am lost - did I mention he was in the wrong lane of the divided highway!
The Mom that nearly burned the house down at least once a week because she thought it was time to cook dinner for her husband in the middle of the night. (Husband dead for years)
The Dad that nearly killed the Mom when he threw her down the steps because he didn't recognize her and thought she was an intruder.
I could go on for pages, but you get the point. There is a huge difference between caring for a 40 pound agile toddler and caring for a 200lb+ adult with incontinence, contractures, memory and behavior problems (because they will all out slug you with the strength of a full grown man), etc.
BRAVO!!!!
I wish I could give that 100 more kudos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Specializes in Hospice, ONC, Tele, Med Surg, Endo/Output.
What does he want her check for?
He's tried for months to get his computer business to fly, but the income is not that steady yet, and he wants to be able to contribute to some of our living expenses. Essentially, he uses that check for food, gas, cell phone bills--it's only $1,000.00 per month. He feels guilty because i'm working full time.
) I have no desire to burden them with any care needs I might have later in life.
llg, PhD, RN
13,469 Posts
When my parents were 65, my father retired and my parents chose to move to a retirement community very near to where they had lived for many years -- one of those places with different levels of housing, everything from totally independent cottages and appartments to assisted living to full care. Their own parents had spent their last years there, too.
The place is great ... clean ... caring people ... and they take good care of their residents. They have all sorts of services available to enable seniors to be as independent for as they can for as long as they can (e.g. shuttle busses to different buildings within the community, a fitness center, delivered meals, an inexpensive restaurant onsite, an RN on call 24/7, etc.) They help the residents and families move from one level to the next as needed, etc. 3 of my grandparents and my mother eventually died there. My father died in a hospital at age 67. My mother remairied at age 72 and died at age 74. My step-father still lives in that same retirment community. They had a great, happy courtship and marriage in that retirement community. My mother really lived there as part of an active community of seniors: she could not have been as active if she had been living in her old home without the support for participation in the community's activities.
My 58 year old sister and her 70 year old husband are planning to move into one of their higher-end independent cottages as soon as the economy improves enough for them to sell their house. Someday, I'll live (and hopefully) die there too, someday.
My family believes planning ahead for ourselves.