Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."
Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".
What is the alternative to placing a loved one in a nursing home?
When I worked at a hospital here, there were many instances of patients being dropped off at the ER. After the patient was examined and nothing was found to be wrong with them, the family would be called. The kicker? Many times the contact numbers were not working or disconnected. Personnel had no way of getting ahold of someone to come pick up the patient. The hospital is hospital - not a hotel and could not allow someone to fill the bed just because that person had nowhere to go. In a perfect world, maybe? It was then that the social worker/APS was called in to find other arrangements.
I get that some families are unable to care for their loved ones. I see examples of that daily. Yes, it is sad but would the alternative be to drop the person off on the side of the road? I see families come in to my work and they are absolutely torn and feel guilty about even considering placing a family member there. I saw a woman crying because she was unable to take care of her mom and felt that she had no other options.
Personally I think it is an act of love in the sense that the loved one will be ensured to have: a meal, a warm bed, 24 hour care. The loved one would at the very least be given a fighting chance...at least. I make no judgments about the family members who feel that their hands are tied; they are at the end of their rope.
My heart is heavy as I pretend to contemplate what I would do if I were in the same predicament.
It is absolutely a ridiculous mindset. I used to think exactly like that. I would think "how can you put your family in a nursing home and leave them there?". But then I started working a CCRC continuing care retirement home in the skilled nursing unit. What people have to realize is that caregiving is more than a full time job. It is an around the clock life consuming job. It is a lot to ask of the family to quit their lives and take care of someone. It is not an easy job to care for your loved one who may be suffering from dementia, chronic illnesses, parkinson's, incontinence, etc. It is even harder when you have your own family to take care of. How can you be a full time worker, full time parent, full time spouse, and then have a life as well if you are also take g care of your loved one who can't lift themselves up to get out of bed or even have the cognitive abilities to know where the toilet is. Family caregivers are more prone to stress and depression and you are putting yourself at risk. Sometimes our loved ones just need more care than we can give. Sometimes professionals need to step in as a resort. However, what I am angry about is when families put their loved ones in a care home, leave them there, and never visit. What is that? Even during the holidays they don't even show up. I love my residents so much and I never thought that I would ever willingly give my holidays with my own family so I can be with them for a while. It really hurts when families don't ever show up. Just imagine sending your old mother to a care home, the person who raised you and cared for you. But you can't even show up to visit. This is just sad. I always appreciate the families who visit regularly. But then I see the residents who don't get visits looking at others' families. It is heartbreaking.
It is absolutely a ridiculous mindset. I used to think exactly like that. I would think "how can you put your family in a nursing home and leave them there?". But then I started working a CCRC continuing care retirement home in the skilled nursing unit. What people have to realize is that caregiving is more than a full time job. It is an around the clock life consuming job. It is a lot to ask of the family to quit their lives and take care of someone. It is not an easy job to care for your loved one who may be suffering from dementia, chronic illnesses, parkinson's, incontinence, etc. It is even harder when you have your own family to take care of. How can you be a full time worker, full time parent, full time spouse, and then have a life as well if you are also take g care of your loved one who can't lift themselves up to get out of bed or even have the cognitive abilities to know where the toilet is. Family caregivers are more prone to stress and depression and you are putting yourself at risk. Sometimes our loved ones just need more care than we can give. Sometimes professionals need to step in as a resort. However, what I am angry about is when families put their loved ones in a care home, leave them there, and never visit. What is that? Even during the holidays they don't even show up. I love my residents so much and I never thought that I would ever willingly give my holidays with my own family so I can be with them for a while. It really hurts when families don't ever show up. Just imagine sending your old mother to a care home, the person who raised you and cared for you. But you can't even show up to visit. This is just sad. I always appreciate the families who visit regularly. But then I see the residents who don't get visits looking at others' families. It is heartbreaking.
I agree. if you ever loved your mom or dad you won't let others took care of them. Other caregiver (I'm not saying all) don't care on what your moms feeling right now or let's say they having some pain or something that makes them uncomfortable. But the caregiver just ignored it. why? because they had a lot of patient to take care if and yet it is not their mom or dad they taking of so they don't even care about them. They just care about the money they care on that facility. So if you do really love your parents you won't send them to nursing homes. You must care for them as they cared for you like you were in your developmental stage.. :redbeathe
Lovely!!
My mother weighs over 350 lbs
I have tried, cajoled, fought to get her diet or exercise or be active. She will not do so. I have FINALLY gotten her to stop sending me huge amts of candy/baked goods that I cannot/should not eat. I cannot physically lift her if she falls. I am unmarried and live by myself. I have moderate to severe autoimmune disease. My one child, has lupus and two children, and works 40-60 hrs a week to pay for an ex and to pay debts accumulated during the marriage. My sister is completely disabled by uncontrolled bipolar disease and cannot care for herself, much less Mom.
I have to work to pay my and some of her bills. She is the youngest - her sisters are 80s and 90s and certainly can't lift her.
EXACTLY HOW DOES ONE BY ONESELF CARE FOR A 300 LB PARENT IF THEY BECOME DISABLED!
It is all well and good to say the family should handle but if they have done everything and the family member will not do anything to help them keep them home, there is little choice.
But a bigger issue. If everyone is so concerned about care in Nursing homes, why is no one mobilizing to improve it, to make it more humane for our elders?
I think nursing homes, assisted living facilities, etc...are wonderful options for families who don't have another choice...My husband and I are faced with those decisions, his mother is paralyzed( been that way since he was 9. His father is dying of cancer. My mother is sick. And I can't tell you its not a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty because we won't be able to personally take care of them. I agree with moat of the posters here that decision, is definitely a personal one, I can say though thinking you can do it all is equally as selfish.
There's a cultural bias here. American culture doesn't typically have younger family members take care of older ones, because the younger family member is then forgoing their current income. Either you place the older relative in a nursing home or you pay somebody (usually an immigrant willing to work for cheap) to come into their home and be a home health aide. Bottom line: mind your own business and don't assume you know why another family made the decisions they made.
However, what I am angry about is when families put their loved ones in a care home, leave them there, and never visit. What is that? Even during the holidays they don't even show up. I love my residents so much and I never thought that I would ever willingly give my holidays with my own family so I can be with them for a while. It really hurts when families don't ever show up. Just imagine sending your old mother to a care home, the person who raised you and cared for you. But you can't even show up to visit. This is just sad. I always appreciate the families who visit regularly. But then I see the residents who don't get visits looking at others' families. It is heartbreaking.
You do not know the backstory on these pt's, you have no right to judge these people and their families. To you what may be a sweet little old lady may have been a cruel vicious woman who in her younger days beat her children mercilessly with leather belts. The nice gentleman down the hall with a twinkle in his eye may have molested his daughters and beat his sons half to death. YOU DO NOT KNOW, and it may be a mercy that the grown up children put them in a nursing home versus taking care of them at home and subjecting them to exactly the type of care they received while growing up.
One thing I do agree, it is heartbreaking, because sometimes the dementia does make the pt's personality nicer before they lose all cognitive function...but by that time it is often too late for the family to even try to pick up the pieces. Sometimes it is better not to even try.
Just imagine the heartache of trying to heal from the heartache of a lifetime of abuse, trying to do the right thing, spending money you can ill afford to pay for care on the person who abused you your entire life, because this is the person who should have loved you more than anything, but they didn't. It's a raw aching wound on your pysche that doesn't get to heal, because it keeps getting torn open, over and over again. Then when you do have to go in for a visit, or a call for an update, nothing but attitude from nurses and cna's. Because you are the bad person for putting mom or dad in a nursing home. Caregiver role strain is a valid nursing dx, but I think some people are forgetting about it.
What I get angry about is people who go and on about sand, but can't see the big hulking piece of timber in their eye. I am generally not about quoting the Bible, but I do agree when it says to honor thy parents and it also says for parents to not provoke your children unto wrath. Think on it, I think there is a reason for both sides. To get respect you have to give it.
I agree with those who have said that sometimes the best place for an ailing elder IS a long term care facility. It is extremely hard work providing care around the clock for someone, and most people cannot adequately so. For those who can, kudos to you, but don't judge the decisions others have made regarding what is best in their family's situation. That these judgemental responses are coming from (I presume) healthcare workers, is even more appalling to me.
That is not true! I have seen some very caring families that visit frequently. You never know what situation they are in. I was a Med/Surg nurse for 5 years and recently started working in LTC. Its busy, there are a lot of residents, but I treat them how I would treat my own family. I do care about them. I have found more rewards in LTC in less than one year than I have with 5 years of Med/Surg nursing.
xtxrn, ASN, RN
4,267 Posts
Thank you SuesquatchRN