"If they really cared about their mom, they wouldn't of put her in a nursing home"

[Bruce_Wayne]

Related to complaints about nursing homes I've heard arguments like "If they really loved her, they wouldn't have put her in a home. They'd take care of her themselves, nothing is more important than family."

Also, "What do you expect when you go to the cheapest possible nursing home/whatever medicare will pay for. If they really cared they'd put her in a more expensive/better nursing home".

What are your ideas about these opinions?

[xtxrn, ASN, RN]

Pa died at home, in his sleep from CHF back in '76 (congenital defect). Ma died a few years ago in the hospital of urosepsis/resp. failure at age 89. I fought tooth and nail with all the rehab centers to get her back home after a fx ankle, broken hip, minor CVA. She was on tube feeding and pleasantly confused all the time, but my mission was to keep her out of the the nursing home, and by golly, I did it!

That's great that it worked out that you could

[Bruce_Wayne, ASN, RN]

to Bruce Wayne: "you don't know the relationship they had with their mother, she may have been abusive" argument: then wouldn't the statement "she must not love her parent" be a correct and concise way of rephrasing that situation?

Obviously, you haven't worked with abused children. Often, the children who are abused very much love the parent who abuses them - after all, it is their Mom or Dad - and they may not know anything else. Also, the children often feel "responsible" for the abuse, therefore, they feel if they love the parent more, behave better, get better grades, etc... then Mommy or Daddy will love them more.

I was an abused child, I understand the dynamics involved. It wasn't until I was 30, divorced and living as a single mother that I saw my father for what he was, a selfish man who would never utter the words "I'm proud of you" - for that was all that I wanted. I still got put down and berated. I wrote him a letter, and erased him from my life. He's gone now, I found out about his death 2 weeks after he passed. I do not "miss" him, I did not grieve his death, but I did "grieve" the loss of never having the father I feel I deserved. I never hated him, I always loved him, but as an adult - I was able to see that his behaviors were HIS problems, not mine - and that he was a toxic relationship that I "chose" not to partake in any longer.

Trust me, there may be some cases where the child does not love the parent, but in 99% if the cases, the child always has love for the parent. So, your statement is incorrect.

I have worked with many children who have been abused, and I lived it. I do know that I am correct and you are not. Respectfully, Babs

That's a very thoughtful insightful contribution to the discussion.

You're right I don't really understand it. I suppose I don't have the emotional depth to love somebody and despise them at the same time, and like you say fortunately I've never been put in that position.

It sounds similar to battered spouse syndrome, which I'd imagine the dynamics might be similar and those that were abused as children are probably at greater risk for falling into other toxic relationships.

[Babs0512]

You are correct, it is very much like battered spouse syndrome, and those children, if not given the counseling they need, often fall choose someone much like the parent who abused them. Noticed I said I was divorced - my ex-husband was very much like my father.

I sought the help I needed, and my current husband is a loving, caring and doting man. I nearly "threw" him away, because he was "too nice" to me - and I didn't feel worthy. However, I "stuck it out", and began to realize "this is how husband and wives should be together" - we've been married 11 years now, and he is still the most caring, loving man I know.

[anotherone, BSN, RN]

I whole-heartedly agree w some of the posters who've pointed out how some old people have been abusive to their children and do not deserve to have loving caregivers. If someone has been abusive or destructive they definitely deserve to be gotten rid of in a nursing home and maybe even let the nh staff mistreat the abusive oldster as payback for what they've done in the past.

However, how can anyone w a heart put an innocent disabled child or innocent but frail old person into a nh? The key to whether an old person should b kept at home is whether they deserve loving attentive care at the end. For typical frail elderly people w no prior hx of abuse to their children the only responsible decision is to keep them at home and find a job w flexible hours so you can be at home part time and hire an aide for when you're at work. The Census reports an increase in multiple generational households made up of two or more generations of adults which indicates that some cultures do have family values and respect for their parents. It seems that mainstream non-minority, non-immigrant cultures are most likely to take the easy way out and put their parents into a nh. Alot of dual careers couples who claim to be unable to care for elderly parents use the wife's income for ski trips, vacations in Europe and Mexico, private schools & colleges, gas guzzling SUV's and high tech entertainment systems.

So what. it is their money. and moving aside. find a job with flexible hours? where? it is not that easy everywhere in america. I propose that alot of those cultures do not have people living very long with debilitating conditions. and there are plenty of poorly run orphanages in many foreign countries. just saying.......................

[anotherone, BSN, RN]

Hey now, lets not be too hasty! I've been thinking about his post from yesterday and I think it's brilliant!

I'm disabled and while my family hasn't dumped me in some some hell hole of a nursing home we know it's only a matter of time (because thats what Westerner's do with their fragile or sick). The fact I'm still still independent and a productive, employed member of society (despite being in a wheelchair) means nothing.

I'm thinking my married daughter should abandon her accounting practices and move cross country to "take care of me" (the laundry is a bit backed up and my toenail polish is chipped), after all, it's her duty.

She can even bring her 8 year old, her husband doesn't have to come, just send his paychecks to support my household.

My son on the other hand I'm not so sure how he fits into the plan...he's a single father of 2 little boys. No wife in the picture. Perhaps he can ship the boys off for his sister to take care of and send his paychecks too.

Or better still, maybe Jackson can tell us where to find my son a dutiful wife.

And where to purchase burqas for all the women in the family.

hahahaha i am laughing a lot at this. although many might think jackson is a troll, and may very well be one. the reality is that it reprents the point of view of many people, that is the scary part.

[Babs0512]

Jackson is entitled to his opinion, and the rest of us are entitled to ours. What Jackson doesn't realize is that he and his family do NOT have to pay for their loved ones care. If his loved one had no assets, they can apply for and receive medicaid to cover her long term care expenses. If they are choosing to pay, then he has nothing to complain about - it is their choice.

If she did have asset's - then once they are "spent down", she/they can apply for medicaid as well, to get her care covered.

Food for thought.