I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
We all fulfill our needs in the best way we know how; we all do the best we can, under the given circumstances, at that time.
Once we accept that concept- that premise- we can understand why people do some of the imprudent things they do. We all need to have our basic needs met, have safety and security, loving and belonging and on up Maslow's Need hierarchy. Sadly, the vast majority of us have gone looking for love in all the wrong places.
Judging and throwing stones at the person responsible for hurting another is not necessarily a a therapeutic or supportive method when the one in question is in pain. It's merely an "us and them" mentality. "We are right and they are wrong, we are good and they are bad" sort of thing.
"Understanding solves all problems" is a truistic line from a '50's Rock N Roll song. Once we understand the reason behind the behavior, we can then progress toward dealing and healing with the situation and ourselves.
Specializes in 11 YRS ER RN, 6 YRS Travel RN, New Grad AG-ACNP.
What other hobbies or passions does your husband have outside of drinking? If he's "bored", that sounds like a personal problem.
I'm sorry, but it seems to me there's a fork in the marriage here, it's going in two different directions, with two different individuals, on two different paths in life.
There's trust issues (him texting another woman), which are contributing to anxiety issues for you (worrying about him while you're working or not with him). There's substance abuse issues (him drinking to "entertain" himself).
Do you really want to worry about what a grown adult is doing when he's not in your presence, as if he's your child?
You have two choices here. Either work on the marriage, or end the marriage. If you chose to work on the marriage, you need to work on the trust issues, continue on with your individual counseling (maybe it can get to the root of why you feel the need to hold on to this marriage), he needs his own individual counseling to address his addiction, and then work on overcoming that addiction. Then, maybe you two can try couples counseling again.
If you decide to end the marriage, just know you gave it your best, you finally chose yourself and put yourself first, and focus on healing.
Newnurse, In no way do I wish to make light of your situation, for I truly empathise with you . However, I would like to throw a little humor into your thread.
I was terminated last Spring after working 17 years at Wrongway Regional Medical Center, was a little unsettled, and not really sure if I wanted to retire. My medical nurse wife Belinda plans to work about another 2-3 years until retiring, and that in itself was cause for me to take pause.
One night, as we were watching the movie Citizen Gangster, this is a near-verbatim conversation we had:
Newnurse, In no way do I wish to make light of your situation, for I truly empathise with you . However, I would like to throw a little humor into your thread.
I was terminated last Spring after working 17 years at Wrongway Regional Medical Center, was a little unsettled, and not really sure if I wanted to retire. My medical nurse wife Belinda plans to work about another 2-3 years until retiring, and that in itself was cause for me to take pause.
One night, as we were watching the movie Citizen Gangster, this is a near-verbatim conversation we had...
I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time.
But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly Everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
I usED to be so career driven but now I am hating my job and dreading to spend afternoons and nights and weekends away from my family.
If I didn’t have a husband or daughter, I wouldn’t care to be a workaholic or work hard. But having a family now and realizing that I can lose them has put into perspective what really matters and what really doesn’t.
Thank you for sharing your experience! Having a partner that has turned to drinking 4-5 beers daily as a bad coping mechanism due to my absence sucks!
There are obviously problems in your marriage, but I don't think your becoming a nurse is the real problem. Since you are married I would look at becoming a nurse as a way to help your family economically. It sounds like he has turned your head around that you are the cause for his drinking and texting other women. He is an adult and makes his own decisions.
He may resent you for making more money, for being more independent or just the independence nursing can give you. It sounds like he has a drinking problem, but I don't think you quitting your job will solve that.
Are his friends and family part of the problem by encouraging his drinking and texting other women? Otherwise I wouldn't think it would be wrong for him to spend time with them.
If you really feel you need to quit your job to babysit him and keep him out of trouble, that doesn't bode well for your marriage. I don't know the real situation with your marriage and your spouse, but I would encourage you to continue therapy. Also suggest you check out videos on you tube re narcissistic abuse and see if they apply to your husband. Just Google it on you tube and many will pop up. Dr Ramani has lots of videos, and Live abuse free is another. Again I don't know your husband, but your comments raise red flags to me and I would suggest you investigate further.
A couple other things, one I wouldn't quit a good job unless you have another lined up and believe it will help repair things with your husband. Second shift is not ideal for relationships, but even if you quit this job it doesn't automatically mean you can get your husband to stop drinking etc.
I suggest taking a good, hard look at your husband and his behavior and go from there. It is one thing for him to say he misses you and wants you to work days, but another to use your job and nursing career as his excuse to drink and womanize. It is not the same thing at all.
While working with your therapist, I would encourage you to prepare financially in the event things don't work out and you end up filing for divorce. That includes having a checking account and credit card accounts in your own name, doing a thorough accounting of the marital finances including assets, debt and his retirement accounts. Generally men make more, although not all the time.
When you have been married for 10 years, you have the ability to get social security off your ex if you don't remarry. I had 2 coworkers, one divorced after ten years and the other just under ten years. The first is doing very well financially, enjoying life and vacations and the other is still working in her late 60's as she can't afford to retire and her social security isn't worth much apparently as years of being a mother. This is a complex situation and could always change if Congress decides, but it is something to be aware of, especially if near the ten year mark.
I'm not trying to be pessimistic, just realistic. I can hear the panic in your voice. Please don't act hastily and quit your job just to placate him or babysit him. Take the time to think things through.
I agree with the OP that nursing and a nursing job is not the be all, end all; and that relationships are far more important. But from what you've told us he doesn't sound like he is supportive of you. He sounds self centered and immature and his drinking probably has nothing to do with your job.
Please check out the videos on you tube re narcissistic abuse, reflect on it and speak with your therapist and then make a plan. Also you might want to check out Al-anon, it is for friends/families of alcoholics and is there to support you deal with his drinking, not excuse it away!
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
13 hours ago, Hoosier_RN said:
I love Belinda. She's a very wise soul
Thank you Hoosier, I love Belinda too. However, the most important thing is that I like her.
Which brings me back to marital relationships and Newnurse's situation:
The scenario is that we meet, fall in love, get married, have a family, work to pay the bills, get old and die. After my first failed marriage, before the days of the internet, one of my healing processes was to read self-books. The one that comes to mind was Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss. I remember reading the words "every marriage ends in death or divorce".
Bummer. What happened to "and they lived happily ever after"?
What happened to it was that it is a fairytale; it's not real. Actually, a more realistic ending is "and they lived the very best they could until they divorced or died".
Merely my realization that others had treaded this path of pain gave me comfort. "If others could do it", I thought, "Then I can do it!"
Newnurse is now probably feeling "Like a ship without a compass on a cold and lonely sea, no beacon light of love to see me through" and is visiting our ports for any sort of ideas or guidance.
My guidance for you, Newnurse, since I sense you are a relatively mentally healthy self-examining individual, is: Do you still like your husband?
If you met him today, unencumbered, would you still be attracted to him?
Starting at Square One gives us a reference point and allows us to gain a perspective from the beginning. We give ourselves the opportunity to review our initial and subsequent feelings in that light.
Woody Allen said something like "A relationship is like a shark. It has to keep moving forward or it dies". Any relationship, whether it be our marriage or our nursing career needs to move forward, but also needs to be periodically reviewed and re-examined for its worth.
You have received some great advice from people who have gone through similar circumstance. I just want to add that if a man says he's neglected, he is halfway on the journey to cheating, if he hasn't done so already. Considering his poor coping mechanisms, if I were you, I would certainly weigh the pros and cons of "fighting for the marriage" and given what you have shared thus far, I would be inclined to leave. There are two sides to every story. Examine your role in the misery (failed marriage) that you find yourself in and what you could have done to prevent it.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
1 hour ago, cynical-RN said:
I just want to add that if a man says he's neglected, he is halfway on the journey to cheating, if he hasn't done so already.
From my experience, if a woman says, "I'm lonely", she's already cheating.
That's what Loren, my first wife said to me right before she asked me for a divorce.
We were at the breakfast table one morning, on a day that I had a clinical before I worked an afternoon shift which, was typical for eight days a week, when she said, "I'm lonely".
"How can you be lonely?" I asked, "You're married!"
"Sometimes I think that I'm just a convenience for you", she said.
I looked at her questionably and replied, "Yeah. So, what's your point?"
As much as I'd like to end this post there for comedic timing, I would like to address Newnurse again: I was heartbroken and devastated when Loren said she wanted a divorce, later found out she was having an affair, and went through a long hard grieving process.
I was in my last semester of the RN program, working full time, selling a house, moving, and all the other things that life could throw at me. It's been over 30 years since our divorce and part of me is glad it happened. Now.
It's when we're in the throes of a traumatically emotional situation that everything seems dark. So just keep talking about it and processing the information and you will prevail. Just from your responses to these posts, I sense a real growing experience for you. And, hopefully, yours.
From my experience, if a woman says, "I'm lonely", she's already cheating.
That's what Loren, my first wife said to me right before she asked me for a divorce.
We were at the breakfast table one morning, on a day that I had a clinical before I worked an afternoon shift which, was typical for eight days a week, when she said, "I'm lonely".
"How can you be lonely?" I asked, "You're married!"
"Sometimes I think that I'm just a convenience for you", she said.
I looked at her questionably and replied, "Yeah. So, what's your point?"
Greetings good sir, I'm not sure if it is intentional, but you always find a way to make me laugh even in the most inauspicious and/or inappropriate of times.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
1 hour ago, Davey Do said:
"Sometimes I think that I'm just a convenience for you", she said.
I looked at her questionably and replied, "Yeah. So, what's your point?"
18 minutes ago, cynical-RN said:
Greetings good sir, I'm not sure if it is intentional, but you always find a way to make me laugh even in the most inauspicious and/or inappropriate of times.
Not while you were eating pea green soup, I hope.
That'd be like a Linda Blair Exorcist moment.
Did you know, Cyn (may I call you "Cyn"?) that you can edit posts to leave in the specific part to which you're referring? You can even edit the post more so:
18 minutes ago, cynical-RN said:
Why no, I did not know that Suavey Davey Do!
And of course you can call me Cyn because, when you say it, it sounds like an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law!
Did you know, Cyn (may I call you "Cyn"?) that you can edit posts to leave in the specific part to which you're referring?
Yes, you can call me Cyn. Haha! An immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law. I love the connection, especially because I'm one to test and bend questionable laws without breaking them LOL
Thanks for the reminder about quoting specific parts. Apologies for my laziness given that I have a fondness for brevity and pet peeve for redundancy.
Crystal-Wings, LVN
435 Posts
He sounds like a jerk. I honestly don’t think I could handle someone treating me like that.