I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
On 1/23/2021 at 1:28 PM, Newnurse24 said:
Couple Therapy was a painful process and I felt judged by my husband in front of a therapist. It brought more problems to our relationship and left us fighting after therapy instead of leaving feeling good. I decided to take a break from it and focus on my own individual therapy.
Wendy Kraminer said in her book, I'm Dysfunction, You're Dysfunctional, something along the lines of: "One of the most difficult things in finding a good therapist is finding one that has less problems that you do!"
There needs to be rules and guidelines in any therapy, especially couple therapy. A therapeutic thing to say is "I felt...", as you did, Newnurse, instead of "He made me feel..." I have a sense of a good foundation within you.
Having been through a little marriage therapy with my medical nurse wife Belinda, I can say our sessions were not negative, in fact, just the opposite. Years ago, Belinda went through some sessions in family therapy, and when I suggested marriage counseling, Belinda was adverse to the idea because of her history with bad family therapy. She too said her Dad would bring negative things up from the sessions and negative feelings and situations were experienced.
Our therapist, Bob, asked what we each wanted out of our sessions, and then the rules and guidelines were set. Bob asked questions of us, and gave us guidance, pointing out positive attributes of our relationship, areas in which we both needed to work, and suggested exercises. Self-examination is not always easy to do, and changing one's approaches requires diligent work.
Marriage counseling was a healthy step in our lives.
On 1/23/2021 at 1:28 PM, Newnurse24 said:
I used to be so career driven but now I am hating my job and dreading to spend afternoons and nights and weekends away from my family.
if I didn’t have a husband or daughter, I wouldn’t care to be a workaholic or work hard. But having a family now and realizing that I can lose them has put into perspective what really matters and what really doesn’t.
Perhaps a schedule change is necessary in order to focus on your family. Merely informing your family of your thoughts allows them to feel as though they have some power and control over that which transpires. Solely making decisions on our own, no matter how good our intentions, allows an arena for unmet expectations and disappointments.
Specializes in New Critical care NP, Critical care, Med-surg, LTC.
I'm so sorry to read your posts and what you've been going through. I can see many parallels between your situation and my own, I think I can understand a little bit of what you're feeling. I wish that I had some advice, but in all honesty, I find myself questioning my own relationship on an almost daily basis. I think maybe I'm a little further along the path of being ready to throw in the towel, I'm glad to hear that you have found someone to speak with to try and focus on your own therapy. About a year ago I made a statement to my husband along the lines of if he was ready to make changes he should (he's depressed and doesn't take very good care of his health), but between working and school and family commitments, my willingness to put in extra time and effort into marriage was gone. I felt truly awful and selfish saying it at the time, but it was an accurate representation of my feelings. You can only feel like a single person in a marriage for so long. I'm stuck financially, I would have to pay so much in the way of spousal support that it makes it unlikely I will ever do anything about it, but that's my own decision and I can accept it, at least for now. Good luck to you!
I was stuck in a marriage that was not so great in nursing school. I remember the stress and anxiety that put on me in addition to class, clinical, and later my preceptorship. However, nursing was my passion and I stuck to it. Fast forward to today, I’m divorced, relieved, and much happier in general. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean you sacrifice yourself. I came to realize the issues my ex spouse had were issues he had a long time before me, and would continue long after me. It doesn’t mean you are a failure if you chose yourself. Be a little gracious to you. After all, you are making a positive impact on your community, and that comes with a huge feeling of duty and responsibility. If he is going to break your trust now, the boundaries will continue to be tested. Don’t blame your career for his bad choices. Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for you in the end. Thoughts and prayers!
With the money you are making at your new successful career, you can focus on your needs a bit more and build yourself a good life. Nursing can provide all sorts of career opportunities and financial independence.
I want to reframe a couple of things that jumped out to me. You improving your life through education and a better job does not equal "neglecting" a grown adult. On your free time, did he go out of his way to plan fun events? Make the time to spend with you? Was couples therapy his idea? Why would everything going on be your fault?
You being away does not make a person get a drinking problem. That is on him. Seeking out other women for company is another thing that was his choice. Changing shifts so you can be with him in the evenings might not bring the closeness you hope for if your husband has already checked out of the marriage.
Specializes in ACNP-BC, Adult Critical Care, Cardiology.
Well, sounds like the age-old questions women have to face: career or relationship? From a man's perspective, it's going to be hard for many men to stay in a relationship with a woman who is career-driven. There is nothing wrong with wanting to advance as a woman and women do have more struggles in this game than men. What is important in the relationship is that you establish that expectation. Many couples stay together and keep individual careers that are successful...the trick is finding that person that understands that.
On 1/23/2021 at 3:38 PM, Been there,done that said:
"Have you had marital problems due to your job?'
You don't have marital problems due to your job. You have marital problems due to your husband.. and his substance abuse.
Put the job first.. you're going to need it.
I agree to this 100% my job isn't my life, but I won't let my job fall to the wayside over anyone. If my hubby decides he wants to split, I'll need to support myself. I've had it happen. More than once
Well, sounds like the age-old questions women have to face: career or relationship? From a man's perspective, it's going to be hard for many men to stay in a relationship with a woman who is career-driven. There is nothing wrong with wanting to advance as a woman and women do have more struggles in this game than men. What is important in the relationship is that you establish that expectation. Many couples stay together and keep individual careers that are successful...the trick is finding that person that understands that.
Wendy Kraminer said in her book, I'm Dysfunction, You're Dysfunctional, something along the lines of: "One of the most difficult things in finding a good therapist is finding one that has less problems that you do!"
There needs to be rules and guidelines in any therapy, especially couple therapy. A therapeutic thing to say is "I felt...", as you did, Newnurse, instead of "He made me feel..." I have a sense of a good foundation within you.
Having been through a little marriage therapy with my medical nurse wife Belinda, I can say our sessions were not negative, in fact, just the opposite. Years ago, Belinda went through some sessions in family therapy, and when I suggested marriage counseling, Belinda was adverse to the idea because of her history with bad family therapy. She too said her Dad would bring negative things up from the sessions and negative feelings and situations were experienced.
Our therapist, Bob, asked what we each wanted out of our sessions, and then the rules and guidelines were set. Bob asked questions of us, and gave us guidance, pointing out positive attributes of our relationship, areas in which we both needed to work, and suggested exercises. Self-examination is not always easy to do, and changing one's approaches requires diligent work.
Marriage counseling was a healthy step in our lives.
Perhaps a schedule change is necessary in order to focus on your family. Merely informing your family of your thoughts allows them to feel as though they have some power and control over that which transpires. Solely making decisions on our own, no matter how good our intentions, allows an arena for unmet expectations and disappointments.
Good luck, Newnurse. We're rooting for you!
Thank you so much for advice and encouraging words! Perhaps I haven’t met a good couple counselor yet.
it is hard to find one, in the middle of finishing my BSN program, going to work, and experiencing marital problems.
I’m going to stay in this current position for 6 months before applying to anything within this organization.
The problem with being so absent is that people get used to your absence.
On 1/23/2021 at 3:38 PM, Been there,done that said:
"Have you had marital problems due to your job?'
You don't have marital problems due to your job. You have marital problems due to your husband.. and his substance abuse.
Put the job first.. you're going to need it.
I think you are right! The marital problems only grew in proportion after I spent so much time working on evenings and studying. But some of the problems were already there. No excuse whatsoever!
The problems got worst with my absence and lack of time.
I know I need my job if anything where to happen. I am glad I have build a career and I am financially independent 100%.
I'm so sorry to read your posts and what you've been going through. I can see many parallels between your situation and my own, I think I can understand a little bit of what you're feeling. I wish that I had some advice, but in all honesty, I find myself questioning my own relationship on an almost daily basis. I think maybe I'm a little further along the path of being ready to throw in the towel, I'm glad to hear that you have found someone to speak with to try and focus on your own therapy. About a year ago I made a statement to my husband along the lines of if he was ready to make changes he should (he's depressed and doesn't take very good care of his health), but between working and school and family commitments, my willingness to put in extra time and effort into marriage was gone. I felt truly awful and selfish saying it at the time, but it was an accurate representation of my feelings. You can only feel like a single person in a marriage for so long. I'm stuck financially, I would have to pay so much in the way of spousal support that it makes it unlikely I will ever do anything about it, but that's my own decision and I can accept it, at least for now. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much! Your words about feeling lonely or single in a marriage resonated with me.
I am aware of my past mistakes, I am trying to change. I am willing to do my part but only time will tell if he is going to do the same.
I was stuck in a marriage that was not so great in nursing school. I remember the stress and anxiety that put on me in addition to class, clinical, and later my preceptorship. However, nursing was my passion and I stuck to it. Fast forward to today, I’m divorced, relieved, and much happier in general. You can love someone, but that doesn’t mean you sacrifice yourself. I came to realize the issues my ex spouse had were issues he had a long time before me, and would continue long after me. It doesn’t mean you are a failure if you chose yourself. Be a little gracious to you. After all, you are making a positive impact on your community, and that comes with a huge feeling of duty and responsibility. If he is going to break your trust now, the boundaries will continue to be tested. Don’t blame your career for his bad choices. Best of luck to you. I hope it works out for you in the end. Thoughts and prayers!
Thank you so much! I don’t know how much I am willing to take. He seems to continue to do things that upset me and thinks that I need to pass the page, move on, and a quickly sorry is enough.
Davey Do
10,666 Posts
Wendy Kraminer said in her book, I'm Dysfunction, You're Dysfunctional, something along the lines of: "One of the most difficult things in finding a good therapist is finding one that has less problems that you do!"
There needs to be rules and guidelines in any therapy, especially couple therapy. A therapeutic thing to say is "I felt...", as you did, Newnurse, instead of "He made me feel..." I have a sense of a good foundation within you.
Having been through a little marriage therapy with my medical nurse wife Belinda, I can say our sessions were not negative, in fact, just the opposite. Years ago, Belinda went through some sessions in family therapy, and when I suggested marriage counseling, Belinda was adverse to the idea because of her history with bad family therapy. She too said her Dad would bring negative things up from the sessions and negative feelings and situations were experienced.
Our therapist, Bob, asked what we each wanted out of our sessions, and then the rules and guidelines were set. Bob asked questions of us, and gave us guidance, pointing out positive attributes of our relationship, areas in which we both needed to work, and suggested exercises. Self-examination is not always easy to do, and changing one's approaches requires diligent work.
Marriage counseling was a healthy step in our lives.
Perhaps a schedule change is necessary in order to focus on your family. Merely informing your family of your thoughts allows them to feel as though they have some power and control over that which transpires. Solely making decisions on our own, no matter how good our intentions, allows an arena for unmet expectations and disappointments.
Good luck, Newnurse. We're rooting for you!