Personal Life Affecting Work Life

[Newnurse24]

I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN. 

After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career. 

It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home. 

Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.

It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing. 

Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then. 

I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me. 

Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job? 

I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel. 

[TheMoonisMyLantern, ADN, LPN, RN]

Big hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. In life, I think one of the most difficult things is finding a balance between self, love, work, education, play, children, etc it's so hard sometimes. I think it's good you guys went to therapy, and I really hope you both continue that and you probably both need some individual therapy as well. It can be expensive, but if it saves your relationship or your sanity then it's worth it.

I think it's understandable that you have trust issues but clinging to him which is the first instinct often when a spouse is unfaithful, will likely drive him away. That being said, don't be a doormat either. I would truly consider that his judgement and impulse control are not the greatest right now due to his substance use, but that's for your therapist to discuss, not me. What I will tell you, is that excessive substance use can consume a relationship if the user doesn't get or is serious about treatment.

Evening shift is a hard shift on family life, probably more so than 11pm-7am to be honest. I think you ought to consider finding a day job, not so you can keep an eye on your husband, but so you can spend time together and get to know one another again. That's my opinion, but you should definitely think about it do to the fact that you do seem to like this job. Also, talk to your husband, ask him his opinion and get his feedback on your work situation. 

How is your daughter coping with things? 

I wish you luck, and I really hope the therapy helps and that you are able to make a decision that benefits yourself and your family.

Peace.

[Sour Lemon]

He seems to have a lot of free time. Does he contribute to the household financially?

[JKL33]

We are all going to have our own thoughts about this. I can't stress enough: We all have our own personal make-up and our own multitude of life experiences that come together into who we are. With that I will say:

If I knew or believed that I had a genuine (love) relationship with a life partner (something worth having/keeping/saving), I would work on it above all else.

This job is a piece of ***. I have been where I made the mistake of thinking it was who I am. Practically the entirety of "me." Yet, it is capable of rendering abuse on the same level as any other deranged abuser. It feels nothing for me and cares nothing for me and never will. The people in my life DO.

I will never again care about it above my personal, genuine human relationships. Never.

 

[Davey Do]

9 hours ago, Newnurse24 said:

Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job? 

It's an extremely difficult situation to be married to a non-supportive spouse and a horrible feeling of betrayal, no matter how small. Add to the mix the fact that alcohol impairs judgement and is easily abused, possibly setting the stage for possible  major life problems. My heart goes out to you, Newnurse.

The problem seems to be that you and hubby do not have the same life goals and are not sympatico in your relationship. Relationships, as you are well aware, require a lot of give and take and compromises. It takes two to Tango, and it seems each person in this relationship wants to dance their own dance.

In my first marriage, I was working full time, going through the RN program, TCB, selling a house & moving, plus working on my rural property when Loren told me she wanted a divorce. I later found out she was having an affair.

You mentioned seeing a therapist, NewNurse, which is a good, healthy thing to do. Both parties need to commit themselves to the goal of healing the relationship.

When Loren and I met with a therapist, she told us that by the time most couples meet with her, the relationship is over. The couples are attempting to stir the embers of relationship that has long since gone out.

Hopefully, this is not you and your husband's case, Newnurse, and I wish the very best for you.

[JKL33]

I didn't want to add a bunch of clarifications to my post other than my initial framing of it.

But I will clarify one thing:

Nursing, and any job within it, is not working on anything with me. It isn't a life partner. It isn't invested in building me up or caring about my physical/emotional/mental health or having a genuine relationship with me where I am trying hard and "it" is also trying hard. It is simply something in which I can participate. It will let me work hard if I want to. And if I  choose not to, that's perfectly fine because millions of others are throwing their individual efforts at it. Nursing does not need me, it just needs someone. To the extent that it can, it will also replace me with machines and protocols and is ever-willing to let millions of "whomevers" martyr themselves for it.

Genuine human relationships are different than that. And if there is someone who loves you and is willing to actively participate in life with you, even if it gets ugly sometimes, that is way more than nursing will ever be.

[LibraNurse27, BSN, RN]

It sounds simple but I think number one attempt to fix things is just having a conversation with your husband. See where he's coming from and how he's feeling, and express how you're feeling. No accusations, just listening. Sometimes my partner and I set a timer so each person can talk interrupted for 5 mins. It forces the other person to actually listen, not just think of what they want to say next or interrupt. Just a suggestion ? I really hope things work out. Nursing and nursing school are hard enough with support and without additional stress at home =(

[Newnurse24]

10 hours ago, TheMoonisMyLantern said:

Big hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time. In life, I think one of the most difficult things is finding a balance between self, love, work, education, play, children, etc it's so hard sometimes. I think it's good you guys went to therapy, and I really hope you both continue that and you probably both need some individual therapy as well. It can be expensive, but if it saves your relationship or your sanity then it's worth it.

I think it's understandable that you have trust issues but clinging to him which is the first instinct often when a spouse is unfaithful, will likely drive him away. That being said, don't be a doormat either. I would truly consider that his judgement and impulse control are not the greatest right now due to his substance use, but that's for your therapist to discuss, not me. What I will tell you, is that excessive substance use can consume a relationship if the user doesn't get or is serious about treatment.

Evening shift is a hard shift on family life, probably more so than 11pm-7am to be honest. I think you ought to consider finding a day job, not so you can keep an eye on your husband, but so you can spend time together and get to know one another again. That's my opinion, but you should definitely think about it do to the fact that you do seem to like this job. Also, talk to your husband, ask him his opinion and get his feedback on your work situation. 

How is your daughter coping with things? 

I wish you luck, and I really hope the therapy helps and that you are able to make a decision that benefits yourself and your family.

Peace.

I quit couple therapy after three months of hearing accusations of getting angry, resentful and neglecting my husband for so many years in front of a therapist that allowed my husband to vent out. But in turn I felt judged and humiliated.

I decided to seek individual therapy for about a month and it’s working better for me. 
Evening shift takes a toll in family time because I miss every single family birthday, celebration that happens in the afternoons and evenings. It sucks! 
I am professional in my job. I know now it’s not a good time to look for another job in the middle of a pandemic. I left a toxic work environment for a better one. I just can’t trust my husband while I am at work. 
 

My child is doing great, as a teen she is very mature. Already has a mind of her own and she is very resilient! 

[Newnurse24]

2 hours ago, Sour Lemon said:

He seems to have a lot of free time. Does he contribute to the household financially?

He works 7am to 4 pm. So he is home all afternoons, nights and weekends off! He is bored for sure! 

[Newnurse24]

1 hour ago, JKL33 said:

We are all going to have our own thoughts about this. I can't stress enough: We all have our own personal make-up and our own multitude of life experiences that come together into who we are. With that I will say:

If I knew or believed that I had a genuine (love) relationship with a life partner (something worth having/keeping/saving), I would work on it above all else.

This job is a piece of ***. I have been where I made the mistake of thinking it was who I am. Practically the entirety of "me." Yet, it is capable of rendering abuse on the same level as any other deranged abuser. It feels nothing for me and cares nothing for me and never will. The people in my life DO.

I will never again care about it above my personal, genuine human relationships. Never.

 

This job takes a toll on everyone. 
I was a young mother. Now in my early 30’s. I wanted to invest in myself. Think about myself and build a career and name for me. But in the middle of it all, I lost my family and my marriage. 
I was so busy worrying about my ADN classes, “making it”, worrying about not failing, passing the NCLEX, getting a job, finding a BSN program online, taking classes full time and working full time, that I forgot about my personal life, my relationships, and my mental health. 

[Newnurse24]

On 1/23/2021 at 11:36 AM, Davey Do said:

It's an extremely difficult situation to be married to a non-supportive spouse and a horrible feeling of betrayal, no matter how small. Add to the mix the fact that alcohol impairs judgement and is easily abused, possibly setting the stage for possible  major life problems. My heart goes out to you, Newnurse.

The problem seems to be that you and hubby do not have the same life goals and are not sympatico in your relationship. Relationships, as you are well aware, require a lot of give and take and compromises. It takes two to Tango, and it seems each person in this relationship wants to dance their own dance.

In my first marriage, I was working full time, going through the RN program, TCB, selling a house & moving, plus working on my rural property when Loren told me she wanted a divorce. I later found out she was having an affair.

You mentioned seeing a therapist, NewNurse, which is a good, healthy thing to do. Both parties need to commit themselves to the goal of healing the relationship.

When Loren and I met with a therapist, she told us that by the time most couples meet with her, the relationship is over. The couples are attempting to stir the embers of relationship that has long since gone out.

Hopefully, this is not you and your husband's case, Newnurse, and I wish the very best for you.

Couple Therapy was a painful process and I felt judged by my husband in front of a therapist. It brought more problems to our relationship and left us fighting after therapy instead of leaving feeling good. I decided to take a break from it and focus on my own individual therapy. 

I used to be so career driven but now I am hating my job and dreading to spend afternoons and nights and weekends away from my family. 

if I didn’t have a husband or daughter, I wouldn’t care to be a workaholic or work hard. But having a family now and realizing that I can lose them has put into perspective what really matters and what really doesn’t. 

Thank you for sharing your experience! Having a partner that has turned to drinking 4-5 beers daily as a bad coping mechanism due to my absence sucks! 

[Newnurse24]

On 1/23/2021 at 12:53 PM, LibraNurse27 said:

It sounds simple but I think number one attempt to fix things is just having a conversation with your husband. See where he's coming from and how he's feeling, and express how you're feeling. No accusations, just listening. Sometimes my partner and I set a timer so each person can talk interrupted for 5 mins. It forces the other person to actually listen, not just think of what they want to say next or interrupt. Just a suggestion ? I really hope things work out. Nursing and nursing school are hard enough with support and without additional stress at home =(

Now, I see why nursing is considered a stressful career. All four years of nursing education and evening shift have taken a toll on my marriage. 

thank you for the tip in communication. We are certainly drifting apart due to lack of time together and me placing so much attention to BSB school and doing “well”. 

I know it will be awful in my resume if I leave a great job in less than a month of hire, specially after leaving a long-commute (2 hours daily) job that left me tired and drained every night.