I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
With the money you are making at your new successful career, you can focus on your needs a bit more and build yourself a good life. Nursing can provide all sorts of career opportunities and financial independence.
I want to reframe a couple of things that jumped out to me. You improving your life through education and a better job does not equal "neglecting" a grown adult. On your free time, did he go out of his way to plan fun events? Make the time to spend with you? Was couples therapy his idea? Why would everything going on be your fault?
You being away does not make a person get a drinking problem. That is on him. Seeking out other women for company is another thing that was his choice. Changing shifts so you can be with him in the evenings might not bring the closeness you hope for if your husband has already checked out of the marriage.
I am wishing you some inner peace for the future.
No, the couple therapy was my idea. I was the one who looked for one. His excuse was “I have a better insurance than his”.
No, he does not plan anything fun to do with me in my days off. His excuse is the pandemic and his money problems due to working less hours since the pandemic and having trouble to pay for his cars, his personal bills, and soon to lose his insurance due to his employer decision.
He has been a little envious of my earnings since I started working. He thinks that it must be nice to make what I make when he has to work so hard for Two weeks to make what I can make in a week. I have never compared our earnings. Couldn’t care less about it.
Not everything is my fault. But I do recognize I have focused intensely in my career and studies that I have put my family second. He is not a child, but we can’t neglect relationships, because relationships require of time, love and effort to work. But if they require too much effort, then some thing is wrong!
Thank you for putting things into perspective! The two of us have to put up a fight! Not just me.
Well, sounds like the age-old questions women have to face: career or relationship? From a man's perspective, it's going to be hard for many men to stay in a relationship with a woman who is career-driven. There is nothing wrong with wanting to advance as a woman and women do have more struggles in this game than men. What is important in the relationship is that you establish that expectation. Many couples stay together and keep individual careers that are successful...the trick is finding that person that understands that.
Some men feel less of a men if their spouses makes more money than them.
I have big ambitions but I am not competing with anyone in my personal or professional life.
I am a perfectionist. Striving for excellent grades, excellent nursing skills and provide for my family and have a higher education. Some men see that as a threat!
I have time management issues and the whole balancing act is difficult! I don’t know how so many people make it work so effortless.
Most female friends and nurses that I know sacrifice to work night shift to be around their children during the day.
There's nothing wrong with having a career. He has unhealthy ways of solving his problems and his substance abuse.
In short, if your husband doesn't get his act together, sad to say this, you two will end up divorcing. Be ready to be hurt. Prioritize your career and your daughter. You have zero control of his behaviors.
For what it's worth (probably not much), it sounds like you are married to a giant CHILD. And my personal experiences lead me to believe, that when men start accusing you of things, it's because they're up to something themselves. They want justification.
I think your marriage is on the way down the drain. What's great about that, is that you're still young enough to create happier circumstances for yourself. Don't screw around for ten years and wake up "old" with fewer options. Take a hard look at your circumstances and draw a line in the sand.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
8 hours ago, ThursdayNight said:
You have zero control of his behaviors.
We cannot change another person's behavior. However, we can make it difficult to continue some behaviors through practisting interventions such as tough love and not enabling the behavior.
Through practising the 12 step tenets of Al-Anon, we can learn how to not be co-dependents and can endeavor to live a mentally healthy life.
For what it's worth (probably not much), it sounds like you are married to a giant CHILD. And my personal experiences lead me to believe, that when men start accusing you of things, it's because they're up to something themselves. They want justification.
I think your marriage is on the way down the drain. What's great about that, is that you're still young enough to create happier circumstances for yourself. Don't screw around for ten years and wake up "old" with fewer options. Take a hard look at your circumstances and draw a line in the sand.
That is very accurate. When someone is up to some thing, they accuse others of the same acts or behaviors to justify it.
Thank you for your support!
For me a red flag in this post is the idea that you are neglecting your husband, and am wondering where that idea is coming from. Does he believe that you need to be present in every moment to prevent him from going off the rails? It sounds like somehow the blame for his behavior is being shifted onto you because you aren't completely focused on him.
He's not drinking and cheating because of you, that's who he is. He's got a nice system going where you're somehow his primary care giver and he keeps you in check and by his side by gas lighting you into thinking you've let him down, and you're scrambling to figure out how you can fix your marriage - when he is the problem, not you.
You sound like a deeply committed and caring person, hard working and dedicated to your schooling and also to building a solid future. He should be supporting you through this. I hope that you find someone who recognizes how strong you are and who enjoys being a part of the life you're building and supports you rather than tearing you down.
Specializes in ED, Tele, MedSurg, ADN, Outpatient, LTC, Peds.
Lots of good advice.
My rule of thumb. Get your priorities straight.
In my case God, family, work, school, other stuff.
If there is an issue in one, look at your priority list and fix it.
I had a situation where I was working a 4p- 12mn job in the city. Due to parking concerns, I would leave home at 2 pm. I never reached home till 2 am as the 12mn supervisors rode together and chronically came late around 12.40 am. I had to handover report on the facility-750 patients(3 buildings) and around 200 staff! I never saw my kids except when I woke up at 6.30am and drove them to 3 different schools in the morning. Long story short, there were issues with 2 of my girls that were serious. I gave one month notice, and looked and got a job closer to home (8.30 am-5pm M-F). Things settled.
In terms of your husband time for a frank conversation-Your issues, His issues and what you want together if you want to save your relationship.
P.S-I work hard on my job but harder on maintaining my marriage and family life.
For me a red flag in this post is the idea that you are neglecting your husband, and am wondering where that idea is coming from. Does he believe that you need to be present in every moment to prevent him from going off the rails? It sounds like somehow the blame for his behavior is being shifted onto you because you aren't completely focused on him.
He's not drinking and cheating because of you, that's who he is. He's got a nice system going where you're somehow his primary care giver and he keeps you in check and by his side by gas lighting you into thinking you've let him down, and you're scrambling to figure out how you can fix your marriage - when he is the problem, not you.
You sound like a deeply committed and caring person, hard working and dedicated to your schooling and also to building a solid future. He should be supporting you through this. I hope that you find someone who recognizes how strong you are and who enjoys being a part of the life you're building and supports you rather than tearing you down.
Thank you for your post and advice!
The idea of me neglecting him came from him. It also came during therapy because I was focused in my education and I was never open to do anything with him when he invited me out when I was a nursing student. Often times, I told him that I am very busy or very stress over an upcoming exam. I used to lock myself in our bedroom where I have my study area and desk and he wouldn’t see me for hours until bedtime. Hence my poor time management! So in a way, I neglected the relationship... but I understand that adults can’t be neglected. He is a full grown man.
Hopefully I will be done with my BSN this Spring so I will have more time in my hands to dedicate to my family and get some sanity to think about what I really want out of this. Relationships can get trickier when there is still love and feelings are involved and children are in the middle of everything.
In my case God, family, work, school, other stuff.
If there is an issue in one, look at your priority list and fix it.
I had a situation where I was working a 4p- 12mn job in the city. Due to parking concerns, I would leave home at 2 pm. I never reached home till 2 am as the 12mn supervisors rode together and chronically came late around 12.40 am. I had to handover report on the facility-750 patients(3 buildings) and around 200 staff! I never saw my kids except when I woke up at 6.30am and drove them to 3 different schools in the morning. Long story short, there were issues with 2 of my girls that were serious. I gave one month notice, and looked and got a job closer to home (8.30 am-5pm M-F). Things settled.
In terms of your husband time for a frank conversation-Your issues, His issues and what you want together if you want to save your relationship.
P.S-I work hard on my job but harder on maintaining my marriage and family life.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice with me.
I was only thinking of myself when I decided to get my ADN degree. My focus was on passing, doing well, getting the skills. My priorities were a messed! But I did what I had to do to “make it” in nursing.
Unfortunately, after I found him texting another woman. It is when I realized I was losing my family and husband!
my priorities are now clear and I know what I want.
Specializes in ED, Tele, MedSurg, ADN, Outpatient, LTC, Peds.
Listen! Things happen for a reason. When I started making more money than hubby, he was insecure. I refused to feel guilty as I worked my a—- off at work! I had a frank conversation about we both bring in money for our family - sometimes more, sometimes less( when I was out on maternity or working perdiem). I told him that once we reach home we are husband and wife and not professionals . So hang up your hang ups on the outside bushes and get over it.
In terms of infidelity, I will not tolerate it and have told my husband to keep walking out the door if he tries and don’t turn back for his kids( he’s not getting them). As a staunch Catholic, no divorce, no alimony! Set your limits. When you respect yourself, he will respect you. He needs to fix his problems. You can be supportive but he needs to do the work. Easy to break, harder to mend. Your choice.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
Newnurse, In no way do I wish to make light of your situation, for I truly empathise with you . However, I would like to throw a little humor into your thread.
I was terminated last Spring after working 17 years at Wrongway Regional Medical Center, was a little unsettled, and not really sure if I wanted to retire. My medical nurse wife Belinda plans to work about another 2-3 years until retiring, and that in itself was cause for me to take pause.
One night, as we were watching the movie Citizen Gangster, this is a near-verbatim conversation we had:
Newnurse24
28 Posts
No, the couple therapy was my idea. I was the one who looked for one. His excuse was “I have a better insurance than his”.
No, he does not plan anything fun to do with me in my days off. His excuse is the pandemic and his money problems due to working less hours since the pandemic and having trouble to pay for his cars, his personal bills, and soon to lose his insurance due to his employer decision.
He has been a little envious of my earnings since I started working. He thinks that it must be nice to make what I make when he has to work so hard for Two weeks to make what I can make in a week. I have never compared our earnings. Couldn’t care less about it.
Not everything is my fault. But I do recognize I have focused intensely in my career and studies that I have put my family second. He is not a child, but we can’t neglect relationships, because relationships require of time, love and effort to work. But if they require too much effort, then some thing is wrong!
Thank you for putting things into perspective! The two of us have to put up a fight! Not just me.