I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
In my experience, when you don’t go into something strong, prepared and ready then the weakness will be exposed and start to fall. Communication is the core foundation of everything including marriage and if that fails, you will have situations come up that are less than ideal. Drinking and cheating don’t just happen, these are behaviors that have been in place prior and maybe you never noticed them til this point. You need to value your self whatever that means in your life values. I’m all for saving marriage when two people are working in the same direction. If you aren’t, then the reality is that person, even as long as they have been in your life, may not be the best for you. Toxic people take all different forms ... even the ones we love. I personally live by this ... don’t go back to what’s familiar, you will never grow that way. This is a hard road for you and all around you. So, when your life is shaken, see who is really there when the dust settles. Those are the people you need in your life.
Specializes in ICU/CCU/Oncology/CSU/Managed Care/ Case Management.
Hello,
I pray things get better at home for you. I listen to Dr. Laura often and she recommends taking care of home first. It may be healthy to step away from work and school to find out why the marriage is failing. Maybe he may feel neglected. Maybe in therapy you both can find life goals to work on that will make you both feel fulfilled.
Nursing will always be there. Put yourself first. Remember self care. The alcoholism maybe a symptom of some type of pain your husband is feeling. Hopefully he can get help.
I just want to add that it seems you are laying blame with your husband and the demands placed on you from your job and schooling. Relationships require work from both partners. Perhaps you need to just say F the job and school from time to time and spend some time with your husband. He's lonely for you. Only you can fix that.
You seem to be very focused on your job / hours as the problem here. I'm sorry to say it, but you asked. I think the breakdown of communication, trust and just generally having different priorities to your husband is the larger issue here.
You could quit your great job which is close to home and has supportive and kind co workers and role the dice on a new day shift job but that won't necessarily change your husband's behavior or the health of your marriage.
I would try and have a really honest conversation with your husband about the state of your marriage and his current level of commitment before I quit a great job. The fact that he was texting someone else may be a one off because he was lonely and bored or it could be a very serious sign that the marriage you thought you had is gone.
You might want to consider talking to someone just by yourself. This isn't just about your husbands behavior, it's about how it made and continues to make you feel.
It's an extremely difficult situation to be married to a non-supportive spouse and a horrible feeling of betrayal, no matter how small. Add to the mix the fact that alcohol impairs judgement and is easily abused, possibly setting the stage for possible major life problems. My heart goes out to you, Newnurse.
The problem seems to be that you and hubby do not have the same life goals and are not sympatico in your relationship. Relationships, as you are well aware, require a lot of give and take and compromises. It takes two to Tango, and it seems each person in this relationship wants to dance their own dance.
In my first marriage, I was working full time, going through the RN program, TCB, selling a house & moving, plus working on my rural property when Loren told me she wanted a divorce. I later found out she was having an affair.
You mentioned seeing a therapist, NewNurse, which is a good, healthy thing to do. Both parties need to commit themselves to the goal of healing the relationship.
When Loren and I met with a therapist, she told us that by the time most couples meet with her, the relationship is over. The couples are attempting to stir the embers of relationship that has long since gone out.
Hopefully, this is not you and your husband's case, Newnurse, and I wish the very best for you.
Sounds like that therapist had a defeatist attitude and is in the wrong line of work. What's wrong with trying to rebuild a relationship?
In my experience, when you don’t go into something strong, prepared and ready then the weakness will be exposed and start to fall. Communication is the core foundation of everything including marriage and if that fails, you will have situations come up that are less than ideal. Drinking and cheating don’t just happen, these are behaviors that have been in place prior and maybe you never noticed them til this point. You need to value your self whatever that means in your life values. I’m all for saving marriage when two people are working in the same direction. If you aren’t, then the reality is that person, even as long as they have been in your life, may not be the best for you. Toxic people take all different forms ... even the ones we love. I personally live by this ... don’t go back to what’s familiar, you will never grow that way. This is a hard road for you and all around you. So, when your life is shaken, see who is really there when the dust settles. Those are the people you need in your life.
Quite a generalization - don't go back to the familiar. Growth most certainly can grow in the familiar. Depends on the growth you want.
OP - bring God into your life is you haven't already.
Interesting that he goes to your sister's house. Do you trust her and the people who are there?
False hope is not conducive to acceptance, moving on, and healing.
I think it is inappropriate to tell people who come seeking help that their case is likely hopeless. That therapist might have been very unskilled, had some personal problems, might have liked to hurt and shock others, might have thought she was supposed to save people the time and money counseling requires, might have been lazy.
How would you like it if a doctor told you there was no hope for you - right off the bat?
There is such a thing as bedside manner/professional demeanor, particularly when a patient is in a really tight spot.
And some people just are not willing to be dumped by their spouse. Some people truly love their spouse and want to spend their lives together. Or at least not inflict divorce and all its aftermath on the kids.
Specializes in Mental health, substance abuse, geriatrics, PCU.
1 hour ago, Kooky Korky said:
I think it is inappropriate to tell people who come seeking help that their case is likely hopeless. That therapist might have been very unskilled, had some personal problems, might have liked to hurt and shock others, might have thought she was supposed to save people the time and money counseling requires, might have been lazy.
How would you like it if a doctor told you there was no hope for you - right off the bat?
There is such a thing as bedside manner/professional demeanor, particularly when a patient is in a really tight spot.
And some people just are not willing to be dumped by their spouse. Some people truly love their spouse and want to spend their lives together. Or at least not inflict divorce and all its aftermath on the kids.
It's not inappropriate for a therapist who is experienced in providing psychotherapy to couples to be able to recognize a relationship that is so pathological that reconciliation is unlikely or even not recommended.
It's not inappropriate for a doctor assess that a patient's diagnosis is terminal and no current treatment is likely to cure it.
These are hard things to hear as a patient, even harder to accept, but the reality is there's not always an out, there's not always another tomorrow, everything ends eventually one way or the other.
That's not to say that every relationship is doomed just because a therapist says so, or that a patient will die of their illness because the doctor says so, of course there are exceptions.
There are too many providers out there that are always willing to provide hope even when it causes more suffering for the patient whether psychological or physical, that is what is inappropriate.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
7 hours ago, Kooky Korky said:
I think it is inappropriate to tell people who come seeking help that their case is likely hopeless. That therapist might have been very unskilled, had some personal problems, might have liked to hurt and shock others, might have thought she was supposed to save people the time and money counseling requires, might have been lazy.
How would you like it if a doctor told you there was no hope for you - right off the bat?
There is such a thing as bedside manner/professional demeanor, particularly when a patient is in a really tight spot.
And some people just are not willing to be dumped by their spouse. Some people truly love their spouse and want to spend their lives together. Or at least not inflict divorce and all its aftermath on the kids.
With all due respect, Kooky Korky, the premise of your argument is ignorantly parochial and subjective. Plus, the therapist was spot on, said what needed to be said, and the result was therapeutically beneficial to all parties.
Not knowing the entire story and all the facts, merely taking one point of reference, and arguing that point, is an exercise in futility.
Unless an argument is desired. If so, I'm game. But I must caution you with a quote of something my Dad use to sometimes say to me:
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
6 hours ago, TheMoonisMyLantern said:
Some really heavy stuff.
I read your post after I responded to Kooky Korky's post, Moon, and I must say, your premise was incredibly well-worded and wise.
In no way do I want to start a bashing party because we disagree with KK's perspective, but I believe your insights are of one with a very high consciousness.
My argument stemmed from a personal perspective, but yours was from an objective one.
I'll never forget when I started nursing school the professor in our introductory class told us to look around at our fellow students in the room. She said half of us wouldn't make it through the course. She then said about half of us that were married and did make it through would end up divorced in the process. She said the program was hard and all of our attention had to be focused on it for the next few years to make it and without a understanding and supportive spouse and family it would be even harder.
She was right on. Over half quit or flunked a class and didn't return. We started with I believe 27 and ended with 13. Of the 13 that graduated I think 8 or 9 were married and I know of 4 that ended up divorced either during or shortly after school.
The stress on the student definitely impacts family life. It's hard on the student, but also hard on the family that is living with an essentially absent spouse and parent if there's kids.
Not all spouses cope well with not being the center of your universe. The mature and secure in themselves spouses are fine, they can understand the relatively short term sacrifices made during nursing school will be worth it in the end. The immature self-centered spouse is the one that will try to make you feel guilty for improving not only yourself but your family in the long term.
Turning to alcohol, partying with friends and texting other women is not an indication that your husband is the mature and secure type. I'm not saying your marriage is doomed, but you do need to do some reflecting on what you need and expect from a life partner.
Nursemedic74, BSN, RN, EMT-P
13 Posts
In my experience, when you don’t go into something strong, prepared and ready then the weakness will be exposed and start to fall. Communication is the core foundation of everything including marriage and if that fails, you will have situations come up that are less than ideal. Drinking and cheating don’t just happen, these are behaviors that have been in place prior and maybe you never noticed them til this point. You need to value your self whatever that means in your life values. I’m all for saving marriage when two people are working in the same direction. If you aren’t, then the reality is that person, even as long as they have been in your life, may not be the best for you. Toxic people take all different forms ... even the ones we love. I personally live by this ... don’t go back to what’s familiar, you will never grow that way. This is a hard road for you and all around you. So, when your life is shaken, see who is really there when the dust settles. Those are the people you need in your life.