I have been working evenings for about a year and a few months as a new nurse. Although my professional life is going well and I am getting amazing grades in my BSN online program, my marriage has suffered due to the sacrifices and time spend working and completing my BSN.
After neglecting my husband for 4 years, I have come to realize that he is into drinking, our communication is not the greatest, and he was texting another woman for a few weeks behind my back. After going through couples therapy and admitting to just texting her. I am having deep trust issues. Terrible self-stem problems and lacking motivation in my career.
It has required an immense effort to continue to work hard at work and school, I am doing great so far in my professional life. No mistakes at work. I don’t know how I have managed in the last few rough months to get good grades after having so many personal issues at home.
Today, when I came home after evening shift, he was drinking at his sister’s house and friends came over her house.
It has been very hard to stay focus at work when my mind is on my marriage, my husband, and what he is doing.
Am I being selfish for not wanting him to spend the night drinking with his family or friends? We have a teen daughter together and we have been together for a very long time. But, it’s very hard for me to come home after working so hard in the front lines to know that my husband was out drinking and having fun without me every now and then.
I recently transferred to a great job, it’s evenings in a small Med-Surg floor and very close to home. Mostly everyone at work is supportive and very kind with me. But, deep inside, I just want to scream and quit to find a day job so my husband doesn’t go out without me.
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I have been a career driven woman, but now, I want to put family first and I find my nursing schedule unrealistic with family time. I’m destroyed because I have always put education and professional life first. But now, after working so hard, I just want to throw the towel.
Of the 13 that graduated I think 8 or 9 were married and I know of 4 that ended up divorced either during or shortly after school.
I tend to think that returning to school (or starting school for the first time) is more of a symptom than a problem in a lot of these cases. What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction?
It's also possible that the increase in income created options that would have been difficult or impossible before graduation.
Specializes in Psych (25 years), Medical (15 years).
16 minutes ago, Sour Lemon said:
What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction?
What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction is the ever-changing brass ring.
We ride around on the Carousel of Life and the brass ring is a relationship. "A relationship will make me happy!" So, we grab that brass ring.
The next time around, the brass ring is a baby. "A baby will make me happy!" And we grab that brass ring also.
We ride around with our two brass rings, not yet happy, when we see the brass ring is sudden change in direction!
With all due respect, Kooky Korky, the premise of your argument is ignorantly parochial and subjective. Plus, the therapist was spot on, said what needed to be said, and the result was therapeutically beneficial to all parties.
Not knowing the entire story and all the facts, merely taking one point of reference, and arguing that point, is an exercise in futility.
Unless an argument is desired. If so, I'm game. But I must caution you with a quote of something my Dad use to sometimes say to me:
"You're flirtin' with the undertaker."
My Big Mama used to say, when upset with someone, "When you're dealing with me, you're dealing with the undertaker". Maybe we're related.
Parochial? What does that mean in this case?
And now you want to fight? I had thought we were sort of developing a friendship.
Some men feel less of a men if their spouses makes more money than them.
I have big ambitions but I am not competing with anyone in my personal or professional life.
I am a perfectionist. Striving for excellent grades, excellent nursing skills and provide for my family and have a higher education. Some men see that as a threat!
I have time management issues and the whole balancing act is difficult! I don’t know how so many people make it work so effortless.
Most female friends and nurses that I know sacrifice to work night shift to be around their children during the day.
I wonder how effortless it is for others. You don't really know what goes on behind closed doors.
Also, some of the people whose lives seem so great might have helpers that perhaps you don't. Grandparents or others to help look after the kids, a housekeeper/maid to run the household, cook, etc. Or good neighbors to keep the kids when you are not available, or whatever kind of help. Of course, your husband should be doing a lot of the foregoing if he isn't working full time.
I would bet he is very jealous of your earnings, especially since he is going through deep water in his work life right now. Even so, he is partying, drinking, and texting other women and these things are just plain wrong, as they leave you unable to trust him.
Just an observation after reading some of what others have said on this thread, not necessarily applicable to you - there is very little devotion, it seems, to a committed relationship (marriage) these days.
Used to be - at least, more than seems evident in these responses - there was a decision to marry and people stuck to that decision. Took their vows and meant them and, short of domestic violence or other intolerable behavior, kept to those vows.
It might still be that way for a lot of people, I'm just not seeing it here on this particular thread.
Like I said, just an observation. It seems like the days of the Weimar Republic, the Roaring 20's, other times when people seem to have forgotten devotion to God. Kind of like today when we allow 4 year old kids to make the life-altering decision to pick a gender or women having abortions, perhaps more than 1, on demand. Just saying. John MacArthur is on Youtube.
What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction is the ever-changing brass ring.
We ride around on the Carousel of Life and the brass ring is a relationship. "A relationship will make me happy!" So, we grab that brass ring.
The next time around, the brass ring is a baby. "A baby will make me happy!" And we grab that brass ring also.
We ride around with our two brass rings, not yet happy, when we see the brass ring is sudden change in direction!
I tend to think that returning to school (or starting school for the first time) is more of a symptom than a problem in a lot of these cases. What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction?
It's also possible that the increase in income created options that would have been difficult or impossible before graduation.
I don't think going back to school unusual for anyone, single or married. Many people change jobs and careers multiple times over their lifetime. Being in a relationship doesn't change that desire, whether a dream or a practical decision. Nursing is practical as it pays a living wage, decent benefits, flexibility and portability.
Unless there is already a problem in a relationship I don't see nursing school or working as a nurse would lead to a divorce. In a good relationship, the spouse could have understanding toward the time for study and work hours. While shift and weekend requirements may not be ideal for marriage, but I don't see that as insurmountable if there is understanding.
Yes nursing can improve someone's economic situation so if they want to be free or end up divorced, they will be able to support their family.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
On 1/23/2021 at 1:29 AM, Newnurse24 said:
Is there some thing wrong with me? Am I the problem? Have you had marital problems due to your job?
I've had marital problems, but those were due to the fact that I was married to a cheating, abusive, personality-disordered anal sphincter and not because of my job. (Diagnosed -- he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That fact is important to some.) I might recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. Even if you're not thinking he was a cheater (although he was texting other girls) or you don't want to leave him, that book has a hilariously snarky, common-sense approach to relationship issues that anyone can learn a lot from. I wish I'd found the book years ago!
II don't think there's anything wrong with you. But you cannot rebuild a marriage single-handedly, and it doesn't sound as if your husband is helping. Give yourself a break. Read the book. You have to ask yourself, "Is it OK with me that he spends every evening out with friends or drinking with his sister? Is it OK with me that he's texting other girls?"
I've had marital problems, but those were due to the fact that I was married to a cheating, abusive, personality-disordered anal sphincter and not because of my job. (Diagnosed -- he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That fact is important to some.) I might recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. Even if you're not thinking he was a cheater (although he was texting other girls) or you don't want to leave him, that book has a hilariously snarky, common-sense approach to relationship issues that anyone can learn a lot from. I wish I'd found the book years ago!
II don't think there's anything wrong with you. But you cannot rebuild a marriage single-handedly, and it doesn't sound as if your husband is helping. Give yourself a break. Read the book. You have to ask yourself, "Is it OK with me that he spends every evening out with friends or drinking with his sister? Is it OK with me that he's texting other girls?"
Thank you for sharing your experience. I was disturbed when the OP mentioned that the couples therapist they were going to seemed to also blame her for his bad behavior. I would expect a therapist to be objective, neutral and also not excuse bad behavior ie drinking and suspect infidelity. I hope the OP isn't using the same therapist now.
The writing is on the wall with mrman/child.His distructive behavior will only get worse as you advance in your career.Lack of support while studying,working only bring you down.He is not interested in your happiness and is possibly jealous of your accomplishments.Think it over and say nothing until you are sure of what you want to do,be prepared to be on your own always and watch your back.Good luck with your situation.
I tend to think that returning to school (or starting school for the first time) is more of a symptom than a problem in a lot of these cases. What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction?
It's also possible that the increase in income created options that would have been difficult or impossible before graduation.
I think a lot of people change directions and make career changes all the time. Some wait until a mid-life crisis. Others have personal problems, financial problems, and responsibilities that don't enable them to pursue their dreams until later on in life. One of my nursing professors worked in the field of informatics before becoming an ER nurse and nursing professor, and my other professor was a tech before pursuing nursing.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I was disturbed when the OP mentioned that the couples therapist they were going to seemed to also blame her for his bad behavior. I would expect a therapist to be objective, neutral and also not excuse bad behavior ie drinking and suspect infidelity. I hope the OP isn't using the same therapist now.
No, I am not using the same therapist. I have my own individual therapist now. She was very objective but young and naive, and I should have known better before seeking advice from a young woman from my same age who is divorced.
She was mostly on "his side" during our appointments because I became angry, frustrated towards him after the cheating. So, all of our appointments were about how angry I was towards him and my reactions towards him.
I've had marital problems, but those were due to the fact that I was married to a cheating, abusive, personality-disordered anal sphincter and not because of my job. (Diagnosed -- he was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That fact is important to some.) I might recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn. Even if you're not thinking he was a cheater (although he was texting other girls) or you don't want to leave him, that book has a hilariously snarky, common-sense approach to relationship issues that anyone can learn a lot from. I wish I'd found the book years ago!
II don't think there's anything wrong with you. But you cannot rebuild a marriage single-handedly, and it doesn't sound as if your husband is helping. Give yourself a break. Read the book. You have to ask yourself, "Is it OK with me that he spends every evening out with friends or drinking with his sister? Is it OK with me that he's texting other girls?"
Thank you so much for the book recommendation and advice!
Although he does not spend every evening out with friends, he goes out occasionally to his sister's house because they are very close and they both like to drink. He was only texting one woman as far as I know, I know many others in this post think he was texting a lot of woman.
His behaviors have stopped for the past weeks and he is not drinking to the point of blacking out. We have talked seriously about cutting his beer intake because that is what he likes.
Sour Lemon
5,016 Posts
I tend to think that returning to school (or starting school for the first time) is more of a symptom than a problem in a lot of these cases. What drives an established person, in an established relationship, possibly with children, to suddenly change direction?
It's also possible that the increase in income created options that would have been difficult or impossible before graduation.