Your Favorite one liner used with patients

[scaredofshots]

I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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[crackerjack]

Crackerjack, that reminds me:

When I have to do the pre-op checklist, when I get to the jewelry question, I always ask, "Do you have any body piercing jewelry, like a belly ring?"

The over-80 set usually will giggle as I feign horror and say, "What? No belly ring? No tongue ring, no nipple ring? Oh darn."

Sometimes my older set misses the jewelry humor and, if the right patient, I'll kinda twitch my eyebrow and ask again if they have any jewelry in any *special places*. That usually does the trick and they're rolling. ;0)

[HyperRNRachel]

When looking at the incisons sites of my GI surgery patients (who are usually older men and women....many of them with very round bellies), I tell them "not to worry you will still look great in a bikini".

For my patients on pain meds, that are unsteady when getting out of bed, I will tell them "you will feel better when we get you off the hooch".

For patients who can't poop, I will tell them "we will get it out of you one way or another...either it comes out or I go in after it". Or I tell them, "first we will try some natural remedies such as warm water and lemon. If that does not work we will try some warm prune juice and MOM. If that does not work we will then try dynamite"!

I work twelve hour shifts, so if a patient asks how many hours I will be their nurse I will tell them "I will be here until 730pm, by that time you will be sick of me and I will be sick of you".

When having to get a grumpy patient out of bed, turn them, or do something that is not pleasant I will ask them "which hand do you punch with...cause I want to know where not to stand"

When giving instructions on how to wear a hospital gown.."G rated in front, X rated in the back".

When giving post op instructions to hip or knee replacement patients I will tell them "tommorow the we will get you out of bed to chair, then PT will come in and show you how to use a walker, and by the end of the day we will have you back to playing basketball!.

When leaving a room with two patient who are getting along, I will tell them "I am leaving now....NO PILLOW FIGHTS"

For starting IV or doing blood draws I will ask the patient, "can I turn on the big light or do you want me to do it in the dark?" or if it is first thing in the morning I will tell them "I need to start your IV, but for your sake and mine I will drink a cup of coffee first"!

Maybe it is all the pain meds, but surgery patients are easy to entertain.

[prmenrs, RN]

Good job, hyper!

[Ronna]

When I have a patient who likes to joke around, and has just has a really good BM, only nurses want to know color, size shape and consistency, I tell them that they just had a baby and we can name it "Little Sh-t"

[Hellllllo Nurse, BSN, RN]

When pts are worried that I will drop them during a transfer, I say "According to our quota, we can only drop 5 pts a day. We made #5 a few minutes ago, so you're safe." This seems to help them relax for the transfer.

Pts frequently comment that my hands are very warm, even through my gloves. I often reply with "Well, you know what they say...warm hands, cold stethoscope."

This one always gets a smile.

[Ronna]

in response to gentle's little song

Ha ha ha, really cute, truely, I think I'll borrow it someday. Ronna

[grace90, LPN, LVN]

When I have a pt who is post-op kidney transplant or slowly recovering from acute renal failure we become very excited about the "liquid gold" collecting in the bag. One of the pediatric Nephrologist I work with will instruct parents on the "peepee dance". She has even been known to demonstrate the dance for a 6 yr old recovering from HUS and coming to the end of needing dialysis.

Awwww.... that's kinda sweet!

[diawc]

On our ER discharge instructions for narcotics, it says no driving, drinking alcohol, or operating machinery. I often look at the young women I discharge and say "sorry, you're just going to have to wait to use that new backhoe. " That often gets a giggle.

[twinmommy+2, ADN, BSN, MSN]

"Didn't you know the hospital is not a place to get any sleep?"

"If you did like getting (IV started, injections, fill in here) then we would be worried about you"

[oso]

After taking blood, "its impressive what this hospital will let the janitorial staff do".

[PamRNC]

Let's see...I've worked general med/surg so usually have adults and geriatric pts.

When I used to start IV's and draw bloods...Thanks for your donation!

When untangling IV lines...As a nurse you have to be part spider and part vampire.

While giving dc instructions that include no strenuous activity or heavy lifting...Okay, no heavy lifting includes the vacuum cleaner, so that means you get a break from housecleaning and you're hubby will have to do.

or Sorry, but you'll have to put off that triatholon, climbing Mt Everest, swimming the English Channel (or any other outrageously difficult activity I can think of) for a few weeks until you heal.

When giving safety/ambulating instructions to new patients with IVs...Okay just keep in mind this is your new dancing partner [iV pole] and she/he like to spin a lot.

To diabetic patients bemoaning their high fingersticks...You know, stress raises your sugar, just walking into the hospital and wearing that cheesy blue gown alone is guaranteed to raise your sugar.

Anything I can say to get 'em laughing and stop worrying about the million and one things hospital/post-op/pre-op patients worry about.

[maxrn]

I work in a High Risk Antepartum unit and of course the pregnant moms are always reluctant to take any type of pain medication. I like to tell them "Hey, take advantage of it... it is your only chance to get pain drugs FREE and LEGAL, too!" It usually brings a smile to their face!