Your Favorite one liner used with patients

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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I was removing an infiltrated IV from a very tattooed gentleman. The IV just happened to have been inserted between the legs of a naked woman tattoo on his arm. He said jokingly to me.... she's pregnant. I replied 'and I've just given her a bikini wax' as I ripped the tape off of his arm.

I always tell my total joint patients, as they lament how slow they are on a walker, that they will be ready for our Saturday night races soon.

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Specializes in Emergency Nursing, Critical Care (Heart).
"hi, my name is john and i'm not your nurse, but i play one on tv."

that gets a chuckle out of the parents...

vamedic4

:lol2: i switch it around a little; hi, my name is john, i'm not really a nurse but i did stay at a holiday inn express last night.

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Specializes in Oncology, Triage, Tele, Med-Surg.

:clown:

I get a lot of people who say "I hate being in hospitals!" I tell them "well they have to PAY ME to be here".:clown:

__________________

:lol_hittiLove it! :lol_hitti

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My favorite line when a patient is afraid to show a private part is to tell them "It's just another face in the crowd."

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Specializes in Med Surg, ICU, Infection, Home Health, and LTC.

these answers usually bring a smile for me and help relax an anxious patient.

whenever i am getting a patient up ambulating them and they are unsteady and telling me "i think i'm going to fall." i answer back

"please don't. it will look bad on my resume'"

or if the person is nauseated and telling me they are going to throw" up i tell them

"please don't, i'm an empathetic puker and if you throw up i will throw up with you."

if the person is in their 60's, 70's, 80's plus and tell me they are nauseated and sick to their stomach, i look them straight in the eye and ask them

"please tell me the truth, are you pregnant?"

if the iv line is all tangled up and around the pole and the patient, i start untangling the line and say

"looks like a chinese puzzle to me."

when i have to start an iv, i tell the person, while getting all my things ready for the stick,

"i promise i'll leave my eyes open for this and don't worry, it take's me longer to build my nest than lay my eggs." then i grin and wink at them and hum "if i only had a brain"

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Home Health.

I heard a nurse say to a patient while starting an IV "Its like losing your virginity - alittle prick and alittle blood and its all over" I thought I would DIE!

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For frequent flyers: Why are you back again? The food's not that good.

For male flashers (when taking blood): Is that the vein you want me to use?

When removing ECG leads from hairy men: Just think, you're getting a free wax job. Women pay for this.

When asked what we do with all the blood: I'm drinking it.

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I heard a nurse say to a patient while starting an IV "Its like losing your virginity - alittle prick and alittle blood and its all over" I thought I would DIE!

OMG!! Too funny!:rotfl: :roll

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Specializes in Developmental Disabilities, LTC.

"See you tomorrow...unless something terrible happens."

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Specializes in Med Surg, Hospice, Home Health.

I always tell my patients "see you at the walmart, because no matter how nice I've been, you never want to see me again."

it's always good for a chuckle.

linda

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Specializes in Med Surg, Hospice, Home Health.
"See you tomorrow...unless something terrible happens."

I'll tell folks, because I usually do a 3 day stretch...."i'll be your nurse for the next 3 days, unless i hit the lotto, then you'll never see me again."

linda

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Specializes in Home health, Med/Surg.

We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!

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