Your Favorite one liner used with patients

Nurses Humor

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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I tell my post op patients (abdominal) " this is the only place where passing gas is well accepted"

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Specializes in Med/Surg, ER.

I had a patient for abd surgery and he hadn't had a BM in about a week. So when he finally did his "duty" he called the nursing station and asked for someone to dump his bed side potty. Since we were very busy this task got put last on our to do list. That is until I had the privilage of entering his room. OMG! Why am I wanting to be a nurse???!?!?!?! He says "Its about time you got in here Don't you see what I just done over there?" Thats when I said "Yea I see it what do you want me to do take a picture or something?" Then I dumped his turd and it splashed on my scrubs!!!!! What a night lol...:barf01: :barf02:

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Specializes in NA, Stepdown, L&D, Trauma ICU, ER.

Does anyone find it funny that the pt's that often whine the loudest about IV's, are the ones with piercings or tattoos!?

I've got several of both, and I've had IVs a couple times. Please trust me when I say that IVs hurt worse than any of them. Piercings are over much faster, and tats don't hurt as badly. The only thing that's visible on me are my earrings, so at least I'm spared the "what are you getting nervous about/ don't tell me needles bother you" comments I've heard so many other nurses say to patients with visible jewelry or ink.

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Specializes in Orhto, med/surg.

This is a kind of grumpy one.. I usually only use it about once a year when a patient (Usually a 20-something punk) is constantly arguing with me about everything that he needs to have done. It's fine with me if someone refuses, but when they talk to me like I am a complete idiot that does not know what I am talking about.. I use this one. "I've been a nurse for 15 years.. how long have you been a nurse for?" They usually stop talking in their condescending manner after that.

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Specializes in cardiology, acute stroke, rehab.

The best one liner I've heard at work actually came from a patient. An elderly male patient had commented that i was a little chubby to be advising patients on eating healthily. At the slightly horrified look on my face he followed up with "Chin up love.... no not that one, the other one."

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Specializes in LTC, AC, ER, Outpatient, Urgent Care.

I have a couple:

A new patient to our clinic listed one medication: "Enfamil"

He was a 70-something. I asked "What do you take enfamil for"? He answered, "Blood pressure".

I guessed he meant Enalapril.

When conducting a Dept of Transportation PE, we do an eye exam, then ask patients to recognize red, green and yellow. Then I ask "And what color means stop?" It usually gets a giggle.

Following the eye exam, I walk them to the restroom, put their name on a specimen cup, and tell them I need a urine sample. Most freak at the prospect of a drug test (which is a totally different procedure), and as "What for", so I keep a straight face and say, "Sugar, protein, blood, pregnancy". (Most DOT physicals are male)

When I approach a patient for an injection or blood draw, I'll say "OH! I've ALWAYS wanted to do one of these!"

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Specializes in 6 years of ER fun, med/surg, blah, blah.

When doing a pre-op assessment, I ALWAYS ask my male patients, if they could be pregnant. Well, I say, when given a strange look, It's says right here on the form, could you be pregnant?:roll

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when an eagerly anticipated long overdue rather impressive bm is produced i tell my pts that the newspaper will be in to take their picture

Bless your sweet little heatr. I'm sure that gets a smile!:smiletea:

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Specializes in Rural.

I have a co-worker that always reminds patients that are ambulatory with an IV pole to "be sure to take your date along"

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Being a male nurse I am often asked by the older patients if I am a doctor. I just tell them "Not in this country."

Occasionally they'll ask where I am/was a doctor then, if not here. Then I have to explain that I have traveled a bit, including to Central America as part of a wilderness medicine training course for students and new docs (I was an instructor) and that we held clinic as part of the class finale. The locals couldn't differentiate between us; I was just as much a doc as were the first year pre-meds and the new MD's.

Ayrman

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We were in labor and delivery for clinical and my instructor came into my patients room with me to check an episiotomy. We got the patient in the position and we were checking for REEDA and my instructor says wow thats the best one I have ever seen!!!!!!!! The patient replied thank you

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A male resident at my job in a nursing home had a fall and hit his head. Complaining about the pain, and could not forcus due to dementia, knowing he was a ex marine, I told him how my brother was a marine . Also that when he went to basic he was walking on his toes and always had since jr. high that I could remember but when he finished basic he was walking flat footed and straight and tall. I told him that on occassions he behave as if he still in the marine. He interupted me when I told him about my brother walking on his toes and say he had a son that did the same. After that I was able to get information and appropiate responses from him.

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