Moved mom out of house: The story continues

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 8, 2015

I get it totally. My mother is a narcissist of the highest order and both she and my dad abused me physically, emotionally, psychically. I will have few qualms if the time comes I have to see her placed similarly. She abused me verbally with mean remarks, cutting insults and other mean games, until I reached a point whereby I was tired of it and stopped her by just refusing to respond or react. She did all she could to triangulate and pit my sisters and I against each other; she ruined every major occasion in my life, to include graduations, my wedding, the births of my kids, etc with mean words and behavior. I think she envied the life I built for myself, as she was so unhappy with hers. A NORMAL parent wants BETTER for her kids, but mine are not normal.
After all these years, my sisters and I just now finding our way back to each other. What she and my dad did to us is unforgiveable, tearing us apart like they did. I grew up feeling worthless, useless, stupid and basically unworthy of anything good.
I was so fortunate to be able to move away and figure out how I grew up was NOT normal and that I was NOT a worthless piece of trash. It took years and years of therapy to achieve the peace of mind I have today. It angers me I had to spend 20 plus years working so hard to undo the damage they did to me.
I owe her and my dad, nothing. I wish them no harm, but I won't subject myself to their crap either.
I get it, oh boy do I.

You may find, when the time actually comes to move your mother out of her house or get your father into hospice, that you have more feelings about it than you thought you would. I was sure I'd have no guilt about putting my mother into a nursing home and forgetting about her, but I found that wasn't the case.

You may also find that other people -- people who don't intend to do anything to help your mother themselves -- have very strong opinions about what you OUGHT to be doing. My PCP, gynecologist, hairdresser and many friends had opinions about whether I should have put my mother in a nursing home or brought her home to live with me. My mother-in-law's sisters all shunned my husband and his sisters because they put their demented mother in a memory care unit in Boston. "She's away from HOME. She would want to be in New Orleans." Never mind that this was immediately post Katrina and there was no infrastructure for such a thing there. The once-close family is now estranged. I find that so sad.

xoemmylouox, ASN, RN · Dec 8, 2015

So anyway mom is slowly but surely getting settled in her new living arrangement - She finally got a proper psych evaluation and some medication that helps without making her into a Zombie. Understand I have no great love for my mother who physically and emotionally abuse to my siblings and myself from the day we were born. However I like to believe that I am a compassionate person and would not want her mis-treated.
What has happed however, is that I am suddenly having some very serious panic reactions, and PTSD symptoms that I have not had for years. Not sleeping, breaking out in a cols sweat, feelings of nameless dread and fear. So far I have stayed sober with the help of AA and my personal support system and went looking for the old counselor who helped me through most of this 10 years ago but alas she has left private practice and moved in academia and the mental health services with my current health Ins sucks. So I go to meetings and talk about it there.
I guess an abused child can never become a child who was not abused and it's really hard for normal people who had loving mothers to understand.
Just venting really - hope someone out there "Gets It".
Hppy

I get it. My childhood was awful. Most people don't understand why I cannot move past this and just play nice with my Mother. My Father died a few years ago. I did make amends with him, as he tried and was sorry for the things that occurred.

My Mother on the other hand still acts the same way she did when I was a child. She won't change and I chose to not expose my own children to her manipulative and deceitful ways. Perhaps if she made honest amends or made any sort of effort it would be different. My Brother who is a loser is the golden child, so when she has a health crisis it will be his job to manage it. I know he won't and ultimately it will fall on me, but I'm undecided on how I will handle things at that point.

I was just told I was out of the will unless I act like the daughter she wants.. Too bad she has nothing to offer except for debt in her will and I wouldn't care if she had millions. My self esteem and happiness is worth more than she would ever have to offer.

OP I am sorry you are still suffering. I hope you can find the help you need during this time. (Hugs).

Lulu Belle, RN, EMT-B · Dec 8, 2015

I'm moved by those of you who can find it within yourselves to still take care of your parents after going through that.... I think the time is coming for me to greatly distance myself from my father and I don't know that I will be willing to take care of him in his old age after what he's done to my mom and I.

It's hard having a parent who I (and my family) believe is abusive because of an untreated mental illness. I want to hate him, but also feel like it's not his fault.

He is completely aware of what he does. He thinks his abusive words and actions are not only OK, but necessarybecause of how dumb and worthless my mom and I are. To the extent I can find it within myself to love my father, it is because I feel bad for him. In his mind, he really suffers because of my mom and I. He truly believes we are the abusive ones, and has threatened suicide multiple times because of how he perceives my mom and I to be awful people. He thinks he has given everything to us, only to be hated for no reason.

In reality he is terrifying and evil, and we want more than anything to go about our lives without fearing emotional torment or physical harm.

Positive thoughts to all of you.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 8, 2015

You may be right. I don't know how it will all play out, if it will at all. My family has a history of living long, long lives with very little time in nursing homes. I hope that is how it will be for my parents. I don't wish them ill will.

However, after all I have been through with them, and all the painful work I have done to get past it, I doubt I will give a crap what others think of what I do or don't do when the time comes to place them in a nursing care or similar facility----- if need be. I don't lose a minute's sleep at the thought now. I doubt I will. I struggle with forgiveness everyday. Lack of ownership on their parts makes it hard; I have to do it for my peace of mind. But make no mistake, I know I have paid my penance a thousand fold already in worrying and sweating other peoples' feelings and opinions. It's all they (my parents) ever cared about. What others thought and little about what our needs were as children growing up.

To the OP, my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best.

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You may find, when the time actually comes to move your mother out of her house or get your father into hospice, that you have more feelings about it than you thought you would. I was sure I'd have no guilt about putting my mother into a nursing home and forgetting about her, but I found that wasn't the case.
You may also find that other people -- people who don't intend to do anything to help your mother themselves -- have very strong opinions about what you OUGHT to be doing. My PCP, gynecologist, hairdresser and many friends had opinions about whether I should have put my mother in a nursing home or brought her home to live with me. My mother-in-law's sisters all shunned my husband and his sisters because they put their demented mother in a memory care unit in Boston. "She's away from HOME. She would want to be in New Orleans." Never mind that this was immediately post Katrina and there was no infrastructure for such a thing there. The once-close family is now estranged. I find that so sad.

TheGooch · Dec 8, 2015

I get it. My husband thinks that, at sixty, I should be over it by now. Perhaps he's right. His mother was an equal opportunity abuser -- anyone who was within range when she was in one of her moods got hit. Him, his brother and sisters, his cousins and at one time, his mother's much-younger sibling. In my family it was different -- no matter who was responsible for the offense that set my mother off, I was the one who got hit. The only one. My father and my sister would let me take the blame for the offense THEY were responsible for, and I got hit. I moved out the day after high school graduation, and my Mom went after my sister. Once. Dad defended her. Then he called me and wanted me to move back in "because your mother is going after your sister now, and I'm afraid she'll go after me next." THAT's the part I cannot seem to get over,

My Dad was spineless too-the motto was as long as she wasn't coming after me it was okay to abuse someone else in the family.

Mon had borderline personality disorder. Funny thing is that she alienated most of my siblings so I was the one that took care of her when she was ill even though she was still abusive.

We have no pictures of us as children. Whenever she got really mad at someone she would destroy the pictures of that person. She also would go after us with knives if she got mad at you. One time she had me by the neck and tried to choke me.

Jensmom7, BSN, RN · Dec 9, 2015

My story is nowhere as horrific as some of yours, but I tend to agree with whoever said many nurses come from co-dependent or abused backgrounds.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic parent. My mother never admitted that she had a problem, and was in fact a functioning alcoholic. I learned how to fix a Manhattan when I was 9, and had it ready for her when she got home from work.

She would "take a nap" (phooey-she passed out) on the sofa after dinner. You see, because she never actually finished her drink, but would periodically freshen it up, she would say "I only had one drink".

Addictive behavior runs strong in my mother's family. She, my aunt and my grandfather were all alcoholics, and I suspect all three were self medicating undiagnosed psych issues. I used to find the empty whisky bottles she hid around the house (dad was an enabler, but wanted ME, at the age of 12, to find the evidence).

Anyhow, I made a conscious choice to drink very, very little. My husband jokes that he's probably spent $100 on liquor for me over the past 33 years.

Mom did stop drinking several years before she died, and we became close.

I've made peace with my past, but sometimes that little girl who wished her mom didn't stumble and slur her words so often is just outside my line of sight.

joanna73, BSN, RN · Dec 9, 2015

I really feel for you. I get it.

Both of my parents were extremely abusive during my childhood. Although I have managed to forgive them and move on, this took many years. I am ok but the scars never truly heal. Sometimes I still have flashbacks and nightmares almost 30 years later.

Those types of experiences never leave. I hope you have a good support system.

Ruas61, BSN, RN · Dec 9, 2015

I get it too.

There might be online resources to be hooked in to.

I found being the better person released me on a lot of levels .

Oedgar · Dec 9, 2015

OH boy do I get this. My mother always had problems, even as a child. She became an addict after a wreck we were both in when I was 4 years old. I walked away from it. She supposedly got a whiplash injury which caused a cascade of ER visits and drug-seeking behavior. My father tells stories of taking her to local ERs who reached a point where they would no longer see her. After their divorce (initiated by her-my dad wanted to be with my brother and me and care for us. )... she proceeded to marry SIX more troubled, addicted, wacko people with their own psych issues. This was in the 70s, before dads having a custody was a common thing. My dad took us as much as he could get us, and whenever mom decided we got in the way of her lifestyle. He finally got full custody when I was in 4th grade, after she decided she'd had enough of being a mother. My brother and I still suffered through watching her go through domestic violence with several husbands, her drinking and pill popping, her refusal to care for the house, etc. I was molested by a stepbrother for several years, and leered at by another stepfather when I was in junior high.

As an adult, I was able to see more of what she was... a liar, a manipulator. She was diagnosed as bipolar and personality disordered, all the while abusing prescription vicodin, xanax, neurontin, klonopin lie nobody's business. She became estranged from the entire family; I was the last one to hang in there with here to the best of my ability. We had words about three years ago, and have not spoken since. She tried to contact me about 8 months ago, by calling my inlaws and my father. I suspect this was some sort of manipulation, given that none of my phone numbers or email have changed. I dodged her... and will continue to do so. I do worry about her. She is in her upper 60s and obviously not in good health. But I will say, my life is much better without her.

My scars from all this include anxiety and a real need to control my environment. I literally cannot stay somewhere that I feel is not fairly clean, calm, and private. I am a pretty functional person, not addicted to anything but.... yeh I have some quirks from a lifetime of her issues.

gonzo1, ASN, RN · Dec 9, 2015

I feel your pain. I have to work really hard to forgive my mother for all she did and didn't do. The only thing that kept me from being totally destroyed was a loving grandmother. It always hurts me when I see FB postings that say stuff like "If you had the best mom etc etc" and I sit and think to myself "I wish I knew how that feels." I always wonder if people notice I never hit like or respond to those posts. Hang in there and know that we are here for you. You are doing a great job.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 9, 2015

I feel your pain. I have to work really hard to forgive my mother for all she did and didn't do. The only thing that kept me from being totally destroyed was a loving grandmother. It always hurts me when I see FB postings that say stuff like "If you had the best mom etc etc" and I sit and think to myself "I wish I knew how that feels." I always wonder if people notice I never hit like or respond to those posts. Hang in there and know that we are here for you. You are doing a great job.

Those Facebook posts really annoy me -- everyone is supposed to hit "Like" and people do notice if you don't. At least my aunts did. But then, my aunts surely must have noticed that when my mother talked about my sister it was all praise and when she talked about me it was the opposite.

BumbleBuddy · Dec 9, 2015

My mom worked nights and slept days, leaving me alone at nights when I was a kid. I had to learn to care for myself and deal with the fear and depression of being alone. When she was home she would have outbursts and constantly remind me of how poor we were, making me feel like I was a burden. Later on she started drinking more and more. During her outburst one of her favorite go tos was "You can go live with your father." I felt like we eventually switched roles where I became the parent and she was the child.

My father was never present and the kind of dad who would say "I'll come pick you up Saturday" but wouldn't be seen for years. He never even told my sister and brothers I existed. We eventually came across each other on MySpace of all places.

The only person who would come and get me when I was alone and crying after a storm had knocked out the power was my grandmother. She was my rock. She constantly reminded me of how much she loved me and was always there for me. Now I'm standing by and can't do anything as she loses her mind and body. Dementia is awful and unforgiving. She still tells me that she loves me and she's proud of me, sometime several times within 10 minutes lol.

Growing up like I did left some scars. I have an intense fear of abandonment, fear of being left alone, generalized anxiety and some serious issues with self-esteem and being too critical of myself, but it has also made me a better person is some ways. I'm more responsible, very independent and also have a lot of ambition.