Moved mom out of house: The story continues

TheGooch · Dec 8, 2015

I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused by my Mom too and at 54 years of age I still have painful memories of the **** she used to do. I also have panic attacks-in fact I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety disorder. I have the same type of nameless fear and impending doom as you. I have sisters that are selfish to no extreme and a father who is very indifferent.

My Mom passed away a couple of years ago but it doesn't change these feelings. So, yes, I can relate to you.

kalycat, BSN, RN · Dec 8, 2015

I'm thinking of both of you. I went through physical and emotional abuse, but it was later in childhood. My mom died young and it sort of left me in an untenable situation. I don't have panic attacks per se, but I respond to uncertainty and feelings of doom by becoming a tyrannical control freak. I'm also very emotionally detached from all but those closest to me.

hppy, thank you for writing this. I hope you can find the support you need to continue to excel and be whole. Hang in there, both of you.

quiltynurse56, LPN, LVN · Dec 8, 2015

I get it too. Had an emotionally abusive Mom and to an extent, Dad. Both are gone now, but I still had issues to get over and with the help of a therapist, managed to work through them, I think.

Does your employer offer EAP? Look into that and get those free sessions that will probably help you get you through.

TheGooch · Dec 8, 2015

My Mom was abused as a child so I think that's why she was the way she was. In my case I have never married or had kids so I don't have to worry about passing it down to another generation.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Dec 8, 2015

I love my parents, but purposefully live 1,400+ miles away from them for my own sense of self-preservation.

During my growing-up years my father was rage-filled, verbally abusive to me, and physically abusive to my mother. Some of my earliest memories are watching my father split his crack cocaine rocks with a razor blade at the kitchen table to prepare to smoke them. He later destroyed the kitchen table upon which this was happening because he was in a vengeful mood and knew it would hurt my mother emotionally.

I was hungry during early childhood and often missed meals. Since my father's drug habit ensured that the household money was being smoked up, the fridge and cupboards were empty. The electricity and phone were disconnected at one point in time. My mother enabled my father and still stands by him to this day.

People who have had loving childhoods do not understand how one simply cannot 'get over it' when grappling with a past dysfunctional family life. I have not been able to get over it, but I have been able to get through it to the best of my ability. I try not to let it define me.

Again, I love my parents and have found it in my heart to forgive. However, I cannot forget. So yes, I can 'get' what others who have had similar experiences might be feeling.

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Dec 8, 2015

I get it, and my heart breaks for you.

In just generally getting to know you through this forum, you are the survivor that I would wish to anyone. To pull yourself up from the depths that you have is beyond inspiring.

Is there any support groups in your area for adult childhood abuse survivors? Where AA is so helpful to you, a group specific to your needs going forward may help.

And interestingly, a male therapist. Even if your insurance stinks, there are sliding scale places...

Wishing you light. And know that your story has helped a lot of people through your journey that you have shared.

CryssyD · Dec 8, 2015

I come from an abusive background, too; many nurses come from a co-dependent or abused environmentâ€”we want to put Band-Aids on the boo-boos, heal the hurts , and stop the shouting. What we couldn't do as children, we do as adults.

But we are human, and have hurts of our own. Sometimes we self-treat, or self-medicate, even though we know we shouldn't. Nursing is full of wounded healersâ€”I think we bring something special to the profession, but I think it's a shame we had to suffer those dark places to come out with hope and healing in our hands.

I had to move away from my mother to heal myself. It was hard, but it had to happen that way; tied to her, I was always sinking. On my own, I have learned to fly. I am now in the phase of trying to figure out how to bring her back into my life without letting her needs overwhelm me. I totally understand how hard it is to break the chains while still acknowledging that they exist. Best wishes to you, and know that doing what is best for you is OKâ€”you have earned your happiness. Enjoy it.

nutella, MSN, RN · Dec 8, 2015

I am sorry that your mother was also abusive! My parents were abusive in every possible way and I had to cut the family off.

I know that my radical step to stop any contact is not for everybody but it was necessary for me to to heal.

There is no way I would ever forgive them what they have done.

But I wanted to put out that there is hope to heal and feel better. Of course right now your PTSD is sky rocketing but it can get better. I had very severe PTSD after I ran away from home but it got better. Please take some time for yourself and find some ways to do something for yourself. I also found a spiritual community and re-connected with other people that way, which has brought some other aspect of healing.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 8, 2015

So anyway mom is slowly but surely getting settled in her new living arrangement - She finally got a proper psych evaluation and some medication that helps without making her into a Zombie. Understand I have no great love for my mother who physically and emotionally abuse to my siblings and myself from the day we were born. However I like to believe that I am a compassionate person and would not want her mis-treated.
What has happed however, is that I am suddenly having some very serious panic reactions, and PTSD symptoms that I have not had for years. Not sleeping, breaking out in a cols sweat, feelings of nameless dread and fear. So far I have stayed sober with the help of AA and my personal support system and went looking for the old counselor who helped me through most of this 10 years ago but alas she has left private practice and moved in academia and the mental health services with my current health Ins sucks. So I go to meetings and talk about it there.
I guess an abused child can never become a child who was not abused and it's really hard for normal people who had loving mothers to understand.
Just venting really - hope someone out there "Gets It".
Hppy

I get it. My husband thinks that, at sixty, I should be over it by now. Perhaps he's right. His mother was an equal opportunity abuser -- anyone who was within range when she was in one of her moods got hit. Him, his brother and sisters, his cousins and at one time, his mother's much-younger sibling. In my family it was different -- no matter who was responsible for the offense that set my mother off, I was the one who got hit. The only one. My father and my sister would let me take the blame for the offense THEY were responsible for, and I got hit. I moved out the day after high school graduation, and my Mom went after my sister. Once. Dad defended her. Then he called me and wanted me to move back in "because your mother is going after your sister now, and I'm afraid she'll go after me next." THAT's the part I cannot seem to get over.

I don't sleep -- I thought it was just night shift, but during my six month medical leave I wasn't able to sleep, either. So I go to bed with my husband and sleep an hour, read for an hour, sleep half an hour . . . you get the picture. Sometimes I am so angry -- with my mother for the things she said and did to me, at my father for letting it happen, at my sister for taking advantage of the situation to get away with whatever she wanted and for continuing to treat me like an inferior and even at my husband for telling me I should be over it.

Mom is gone now, Dad has been gone for years and I rarely speak with my sister. After Mom's funeral, I was asked to describe a happy moment with my mother from childhood. I couldn't come up with one. I still can't. And I feel guilty about that, too.

ixchel · Dec 8, 2015

I guess an abused child can never become a child who was not abused and it's really hard for normal people who had loving mothers to understand.
Just venting really - hope someone out there "Gets It".
Hppy

Wish I could hug you right through this app right now. That you have self-awareness is a beautiful gift, even if it feels like torment some days.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 8, 2015

I get it totally. My mother is a narcissist of the highest order and both she and my dad abused me physically, emotionally, psychically. I will have few qualms if the time comes I have to see her placed similarly. She abused me verbally with mean remarks, cutting insults and other mean games, until I reached a point whereby I was tired of it and stopped her by just refusing to respond or react. She did all she could to triangulate and pit my sisters and I against each other; she ruined every major occasion in my life, to include graduations, my wedding, the births of my kids, etc with mean words and behavior. I think she envied the life I built for myself, as she was so unhappy with hers. A NORMAL parent wants BETTER for her kids, but mine are not normal.

After all these years, my sisters and I just now finding our way back to each other. What she and my dad did to us is unforgiveable, tearing us apart like they did. I grew up feeling worthless, useless, stupid and basically unworthy of anything good.

I was so fortunate to be able to move away and figure out how I grew up was NOT normal and that I was NOT a worthless piece of trash. It took years and years of therapy to achieve the peace of mind I have today. It angers me I had to spend 20 plus years working so hard to undo the damage they did to me.

I owe her and my dad, nothing. I wish them no harm, but I won't subject myself to their crap either.

I get it, oh boy do I.