Hello everyone, I'm a longtime member here whom I hope some of you will recall. I haven't been around much because of battling serious health problems, but for many years prior to 2023 I visited and posted at least daily. I was a moderator for six years and have been a Guide since 2011. I've always loved it here, but now the time has come to prepare to say goodbye.
You see, I was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the lung with mets to the other lung and lymph nodes. My prognosis is extremely poor; chemotherapy is the only mode of treatment available for my kind of cancer, and I don't want it. I always said I'd never do chemo because of what I saw it do to patients, most of whom were miserable from throwing up and having diarrhea and not feeling like eating because of the nausea. They lost their hair, their teeth, and a good portion of their dignity. No thank you! I'd rather have six months of "OK" than a year of feeling terrible.
So, I've chosen to let nature take its course. No more hospital stays, doctor appointments, scans or procedures. I'm on hospice, which has already helped tremendously with comfort care and things like funeral planning. I have good days and bad days; today is one of my good ones, which is why I'm posting this now. I don't have much energy or strength, and I sleep a lot. Food doesn't interest me, so I've lost a lot of weight. But my soul remains strong, and I'm looking forward to the day when I see my husband and baby daughter again. I know I walk with God and trust him to lead me home.
Thanks for reading this rather lengthy post. I've enjoyed being here at AN all these 22 years, and I'll still be around for a little while yet so I'll keep checking in. God bless you. Viva
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Thank you so much! I am honored.
So sorry about your friends though. It must be difficult to lose so many within such a short period of time. I'm glad they were able to utilize hospice, even though some people might have urged them to fight. I had a couple folks who didn't want to see me "give up", but the minute the doctor said "less than six months" I knew the battle was over before it could even begin. Every now and then a whisper of a thought will tickle my brain and make me question whether I should have at least tried chemotherapy, but it's easily beaten back when I remember how grueling it was for the patients I cared for during my career. Not all of them died, but their treatment sometimes made them wish to. I never wanted that.
And so I go on, slowly fading away in comfort thanks to hospice and my caregivers. In a way, I'm living my best life...I'm still able to enjoy people, events (been watching the Olympic trials) and things such as the huge bouquet of flowers sent to me by a fellow AN Guide. I no longer wish for endless tomorrows, but I'm happy with whatever tomorrows may remain. 😊
Specializes in Complex pedi to LTC/SA & now a manager.
VivaLasViejas said:
Thank you so much! I am honored.
So sorry about your friends though. It must be difficult to lose so many within such a short period of time. I'm glad they were able to utilize hospice, even though some people might have urged them to fight. I had a couple folks who didn't want to see me "give up", but the minute the doctor said "less than six months" I knew the battle was over before it could even begin. Every now and then a whisper of a thought will tickle my brain and make me question whether I should have at least tried chemotherapy, but it's easily beaten back when I remember how grueling it was for the patients I cared for during my career. Not all of them died, but their treatment sometimes made them wish to. I never wanted that.
And so I go on, slowly fading away in comfort thanks to hospice and my caregivers. In a way, I'm living my best life...I'm still able to enjoy people, events (been watching the Olympic trials) and things such as the huge bouquet of flowers sent to me by a fellow AN Guide. I no longer wish for endless tomorrows, but I'm happy with whatever tomorrows may remain. 😊
I understand the push. I had surgery less than a week ago. Fortunately it was curative. But I would absolutely choose hospice without hesitation knowing what I do. Hospice made it so my grandmother was able to pass in peace on her own terms. The same for my college buddy who kept his diagnosis to himself until he passed and his brother was entrusted to disclose his last words. Death with dignity. It helps comfort the living as much as it does the dying.
It may be selfish, but I am glad you posted so you can read the impact that you had on so many over the years Yes I was impacted by that insane lawsuit, so I stepped back but something told me to log in today and I saw your post. I am glad to have had the opportunity to ensure you know the impact on my nursing career especially in long term care even when I was not even looking at the site. Several here helped shape my ideas of the nurse I would choose to become and still am now. I am on a small break due to the recovery from surgery and have some big decisions to make but I have learned that telling those who have had an impact on me while I still can is very meaningful to me. I needed you to know. May hospice keep you comfortable and your son as well in the most difficult days.
So heartbreaking to hear this. I have always enjoyed your comments and insight. I'm so thankful that you have a strong faith in the Lord. Praying for you and your family!
I believe I would choose the same as you, why torture yourself. I sure hope you have people around you that make you feel loved as things get harder, and an old crotchety nurse that is liberal with the pain meds. Make your bucket list and dive right in my friend.
Viva, I've been at AN since the beginning and remember well when you commented often. I know you have made a very scary decision but, as a former chemo nurse, I completely understand. I know that you did much more on this earth than just take up space and wish you comfort knowing you did that.
Hello Viva, we don't know each other but I feel like if someone is in Christ then that is my sister. Your post really touched me. I too was a psych nurse. I just wanted to say that you are a strong woman and you have decided to bow out with dignity, eagerly expecting to see your heavenly family including the father. I admire your grace. Please do the things that make you happy now. I'm just so in awe of your courage. I don't know you but I love you sweet lady and I bit you Godspeed and love.
VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN
22 Articles; 9,996 Posts
Thank you so much! I am honored.
So sorry about your friends though. It must be difficult to lose so many within such a short period of time. I'm glad they were able to utilize hospice, even though some people might have urged them to fight. I had a couple folks who didn't want to see me "give up", but the minute the doctor said "less than six months" I knew the battle was over before it could even begin. Every now and then a whisper of a thought will tickle my brain and make me question whether I should have at least tried chemotherapy, but it's easily beaten back when I remember how grueling it was for the patients I cared for during my career. Not all of them died, but their treatment sometimes made them wish to. I never wanted that.
And so I go on, slowly fading away in comfort thanks to hospice and my caregivers. In a way, I'm living my best life...I'm still able to enjoy people, events (been watching the Olympic trials) and things such as the huge bouquet of flowers sent to me by a fellow AN Guide. I no longer wish for endless tomorrows, but I'm happy with whatever tomorrows may remain. 😊