I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[GadgetRN71, ASN, RN]

OK, OP, take a deep breath. It is horrible to be bullied, I've been there so I'm going to give some advice.

-This is easier said than done, but you shouldn't give a damn if these harpies like you or not. Have you had an evaluation yet? How does your preceptor think you're doing? These are things that matter. Often, the hard working, talented ones get targeted, because they make others "look bad". And I'm sure someone has brought it up by now and they may have nailed you for it..but sometimes, the young, cute ones DO get picked on..nothing to be done about this except what I'm going to say next.

-Start giving it back to them. Stand up for yourself, in a professional dignified way, of course.I'm not sure I'd do it the way I did.. I had an old witch of a surg tech attack me out of nowhere because she thought I was wearing false eyelashes(I don't, BTW) and would make comments about how I was making myself pretty for the doctors. She stopped when I stated that just because someone doesn't have little beady pig eyes, doesn't mean that they are wearing false eyelashes. Shut her up right quick. As the word were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking "uh oh" but it worked. So while it's scary to do this, most bullies back down, because they are cowards at heart. At the very least, try not to make it apparent that they are getting to you.

-if this continues, and you are a union facility, see if they can help you. The phrase "hostile working environment" often works wonders.

-above all, be good to yourself and realize that you don't deserve this.

[CBsMommy]

OP - I'm also sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the posts about counseling. It really does work wonders. I'm a little concerned about your child though. Please do NOT pass on your concerns to your little one. That is no life for him/her. Instead, realize the most important people in your life is your husband and child and in their eyes, you are #1. Their opinion (and your opinion) of you are the ONLY ones that matter. And remember, bullies bully because they feel bad about themselves. Good luck with your new job and your counseling!

[nursemike, ASN, RN]

Yes Mike, they are.

Issue 40: Behaviors that undermine a culture of safety | Joint Commission

However, I have a definite punitive lilt to my solution to repeat offenders as they are given every opportunity to understand what it is that constitutes LV/VV and to "quit". They will have made a conscious choice to repeat offend. I believe zero tolerance is necessary.

It sounds like you are planning to follow a management track in your career. I'm not sure I'd wish that on anybody, but it also sounds like you'd be a good one.

If you haven't seen it, SheaTab started a thread under Nursing Activism/Politics which asks whether we are experiencing mass burn out, continuing a discussion that started on another bullying thread. Sorry, I seem to have eAlzheimer's, so I haven't been able to figure out how to do a link.

If I understood SheaTab correctly, I think she is suggesting a link between workplace stress and LV. That accords with my common sense and experience. I'll concede that some bad behavior occurs simply because some people are mean. Others may be acting out of stress that isn't work-related. Your husband cheats, so you make your co-workers miserable--that sort of thing. I also recognize that one or two bad eggs can create a toxic environment by adding to everyone else's stress. But I think any of us who've been at this more than a year or two can see that whoever said, "There are no stupid questions," probably wasn't drowning at the time.

[leslie :-D]

Responses were given based on the info you told, which is all we CAN do. What do you expect? So not all the responses were of the, "there, there, poor you" variety. Doesn't mean you were "bashed" (aka bullied). Until you actively step out of the victim role, you'll always be in it. And your perceptions of how others treat you will not change.

op, while you may not appreciate the above advice, i felt it was spot on.

i too, was dx'd with traumatic ptsd in 2004.

the difference betw you and me, is when i was in a work environment s/p dx, i automatically felt that any unfavorable perceptions i had of my environment, were r/t me and my dysfunction.

never even thought to blame others for being nasty, facetious or however i viewed them.

i took a mloa until i felt strong enough to basically tell them to bite me...which i didn't need to do (funny how that worked out.)

i too, would suggest for you to stop feeling like a victim, and start taking control over matters in which you DO have control.

once you attain a healthy sense of self, you'll be amazed on how indifferent you will feel towards others petty acts.

you may even end up taking pity on them!

the bottom line is, it's true when they say that no one can ______________ you, without your permission.

i truly hope you find peace.

leslie

[kenyohunt1]

thank you to all the kind and thoughtful posters.

I know i am new to allnurses because i haven't posted that many times before, although i have been reading posts on here every now and then for the last couple of years to try to learn from other nurses -----

but i have been an active member of other online communities for over 10 years now, i have been a moderator on other sites for about 10 years, and have helped with online peer-led support groups for some desperately vulnerable and abused women. I have tons of online friends that i have met in real life --- and they know who i am, know that i am an honest and caring person, and they respect me. I have helped save lives just by caring and listening to them, and they have done the same for me. Silly me, i thought a forum full of nurses - supposedly caring people - would be a good place to go for job-specific advice and support ... Not bashing and more put-downs.

I just have to sit and laugh at anyone who would say anything bad about me, without even knowing me. If you met me in real life, you would feel like an idiot for even saying such a thing. People like that prove the point, that some nasty people will bash others on sight, without even trying to listen with an open mind and get to know them. I guess when you walk around with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. It also seems from reading a couple of other posts here and there, that some of these people like to play the 'toughie' around here. Whatever, carry on with your bad self. Sorry i was the newbie of the day for you to launch into!

I am sorry that their lives must be so sad and cynical, that they have nothing to do other than bash others who were reaching out sincerely for help and compassion. Hopefully when you someday need kindness and a helping hand or a listening ear, someone will be more kind to you, than you have been to me.

I am someone who can not stand people who purposely waste their time on the computer all day by writing hurtful remarks to others, or making up fake stories, attacking people, and so on. My only hope by writing here, was to get some support from my peers --- other nurses.

I am grateful to those who took to the time to listen to me and i will not forget your kindness.

you stood of pretty well for yourself in this post just carry that over into your work environment. Just my 2 cents.

[pookiesmom]

It sounds like you might be exaggerating a little. Even if you are being bullied; you sound to be the kind of person that would not stand for this, and I don't see how so many 'professional' nurses would all be of this kind of character. It's inconceivable.

Everyone has been through something, and even if your things were worse than most, you need to not focus on that, but see yourself as equal to all around you; you will then be a part of the team; not better then, and not less than.

I would ignore anything and everything so petty as whether you're wearing lipstick or not, or who notices you're wearing lipstick and why. That is just ludicrous!

(PS:Why don't you try just wearing lipbalm. Lipstick isn't really the place to be worn at work as a nurse, not really. You might gain some self esteem by just being more yourself there.)

I hope that helps, in a constructive way.

Hang in there, it's not all bad. And your life isn't all that bad either. Try some gratitude too, it works.

and remember; those nurses you are working with, they all have good things about them too. They can't all be bad.

good luck.

[LPN2000]

i'm so sorry for what you are going through - believe me you are not alone! i got my lpn when i was 48 and got the same treatment in a pediatrics office by several other nurses in their 20's. i unfortunately am always the oldest when i worked in doctor's offices - sometimes even older than the dr's. i only stayed there for 6 months and left. all the young nurses talked about how they partied on the weekends and teamed up together when we were assigned to the sick or well sides of the office. it even happened in another pediatrics office where several of these young girls were medical assistants. one tried only once in front of a patient i was giving a tb mantoux test to that said that isn't where you give it - after i finished i took her out in the hall and told her never to do that again. another time that same one heard me make a comment to a patient's mother about something she was wearing and said she couldn't believe i said that. i couldn't take it any longer and was just short of getting fired from there after yelling and screaming one day at yet another of one of those medical assistants so i quit. bullies are so adept at what they do that they actually make the victim feel like they did something wrong and we quit and they get to keep their job and continue doing what they like. it's funny because when i started there this bullier who was 19 had lost her mother within that year to cancer. i had told her that life eventually gets better - that i had lost my mother when i was 16. makes you really feel stupid when you try to be nice and i guess all along they are looking to find your weakness and open fire. i loved the response from one post who said that you don't go to work to make friends and i am living proof of that. i have learned the hard way that the more you tell coworkers about your family or anything personal it kicks you in the butt one day! i am a lot like you, always being extra nice to any new staff and making them feel welcome. at the first peds office the nurse supr. always steered the nursing students my way because no one else would give them the time of day. don't quit like i did twice - they just know they got to you then and they won. keep your head up -do a good job and don't get into a yelling match like i did and start crying - i was so embarrassed to see them after that.

[believeallispossible]

Nurses are rudddeee. I am a nursing student and i've dealt with mean nursing instructors, mean nurses during clinical days, and snotty know it all nurses where I work. It's ridiculous. I work at a hospital and a couple nurses are around 40-45 yrs old and they talk about sleeping with different guys because they are divorced, getting drunk, and how they used to come in with a hangover to work. UMM can you say Immature?!!? I'm sorry, but I am in my 20s and I would never act like that at work! I am a nursing assistant and some days they bully me around telling me to do this do that. . . OK, I think I know how to do my dang job and I'm not going to let them over run me. Yeah, I'm JUST a nursing assistant, but I bust my butt off everyday, while some of them sit on their buns on their cell phone during the weekend shifts. It just annoys me. Honestly--this nursing career annoys the heck out of me because I hate my work and all the extreme hard work that i do. But since i'm almost done with nursing, I'm just gonna stick it out. But if i don't like it, I might try to be a flight attendent or something;) I feel like i'm an attractive person too.. I honestly think a patient would like someone that dresses decent, look nice, plus very kind rather than one that just gets out of bed, looks horrible, and is rude. The other nurses are just jealous of you, so what. I think it's great, let them be jealous. You don't have to be buddy buddy with them, do a good job at work, then leave. If I were you though, I'd just quite and find something else, because there are other places and TONS of other nursing jobs that will treat you differently and will be more accepting of you. I know it! Keep your head up girl!

[GadgetRN71, ASN, RN]

It sounds like you might be exaggerating a little. Even if you are being bullied; you sound to be the kind of person that would not stand for this, and I don't see how so many 'professional' nurses would all be of this kind of character. It's inconceivable.

Everyone has been through something, and even if your things were worse than most, you need to not focus on that, but see yourself as equal to all around you; you will then be a part of the team; not better then, and not less than.

I would ignore anything and everything so petty as whether you're wearing lipstick or not, or who notices you're wearing lipstick and why. That is just ludicrous!

(PS:Why don't you try just wearing lipbalm. Lipstick isn't really the place to be worn at work as a nurse, not really. You might gain some self esteem by just being more yourself there.)

I hope that helps, in a constructive way.

Hang in there, it's not all bad. And your life isn't all that bad either. Try some gratitude too, it works.

and remember; those nurses you are working with, they all have good things about them too. They can't all be bad.

good luck.

Are you kidding me?I think catering to the bullies by "wearing lipbalm" is totally the wrong way to go. Also, there are many bullies in the nursing field-not all are so, but enough. I do not think the OP is exaggerating, not one bit. I have seen some horrendous things done by coworkers.

The last thing the OP should be doing is blaming herself, or trying to placate these fools..this doesn't work with bullies. You know what does?..standing up to them and putting them in a position where they feel real consequences for their ignorant behavior. Once I got the union and HR involved, two of the main bullies got written up. So, speaking up does work. One of the union reps came up to me and said that because I spoke up, more people are coming foward about being bullied. The "clique" is not quite as powerful anymore.

Oh and OT, but nurses should be able to wear lipstick if they want. No rule that says we have to make ourselves look plain on the job!

[GadgetRN71, ASN, RN]

Believeallispossible, you're right. Some nurses look like they rolled out of bed and/or look like they slept on the floor with their dog-in their scrubs. I also thing the way some of them carry on is disgusting, and I swear there's a good percentage that have active problems with alcohol.Perhaps the reason they are so nasty? These are women in their 40's and 50's, with kids, and they go out practically every night after work and get hammered. If you don't really like recreational binge drinking, then you don't fit in..

[netglow, ASN, RN]

Believeallispossible, you're right. Some nurses look like they rolled out of bed and/or look like they slept on the floor with their dog-in their scrubs. I also thing the way some of them carry on is disgusting, and I swear there's a good percentage that have active problems with alcohol.Perhaps the reason they are so nasty? These are women in their 40's and 50's, with kids, and they go out practically every night after work and get hammered. If you don't really like recreational binge drinking, then you don't fit in..

Well, hate to say it but I am aware of a few who fit this bill, unfortunately.

I particularly like the "slept on the floor with their dog-in their scrubs" part. Actually, the animal who I imagine "in their scrubs" and in their hair, is a squirrel.

Sorry SquirrelRN71.

[SunDazed, BSN, RN]

I agree with those that suggest EAP... but I would also ask if there was an option for you to try a different unit? Sometimes the people working in a unit can make it unbearable... My friends are probably tired of hearing me say it... but I feel as a new grad in nursing that we are finding out a lot more about what we don't want to do as nurses than what we do want to do. Does that make sense? I never thought that co-workers could be that influential in making me like or hate my job because I consider myself a strong person. I have since reversed that opinion. Good luck... It is hard to feel like you are so much on the outs.