if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.
i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.
yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!
i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.
i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.
basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.
but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.
i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---
but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."
the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.
it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!
even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.
i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.
there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.
i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.
they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.
i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.
they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.
even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!
i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.
i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,
i cry at work more than i care to admit,
i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)
and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.
i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.
being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!
i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...
i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.
the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.
it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.
i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.
i don't know how i will get through this.
i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.
seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.
i am a good, kind, strong person inside.
i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.
nursemike, ASN, RN
1 Article; 2,362 Posts
I'm sorry for your troubles, and second some of the advice you have been given, especially re: EAP, and the site country mom linked looks promising. Miranda (rn/writer) pretty well said everything I could, but I wanted to make two points. One, the treatment you're receiving is not the norm in nursing. A little sniping and occassional eye-rolling, yes. People (not just women) can be "catty," although I really dislike that term, because my cats are usually not aggressive, and when they are, there's nothing passive about it. But I've caught myself doing it, and that isn't like me or remotely how I want to be. (I've also had things taken wrong--like a friend asking me what that sigh was about, when I wasn't even aware she was talking to me. So I blame it on COPD, because she'd be even more offended if I admitted I was still bummed about the Pirates trading Jack Wilson when she was evidently sharing something that really mattered to her...) But I really don't think such little irritants are a huge problem. We're all human, and our interactions aren't always by the textbook.
I have seen my wonderful, lovely co-workers close ranks and ostracize a nurse who was grossly negligent and unsafe (and stoned, it turns out) and I've seen them ride someone a little hard who needed to shape up. As a matter of fact, I was one of the ridden, although at no time did I feel that anyone wanted me to fail. A lucky few hit the floor as fully competent nurses, but most of us need mentoring, and some of that mentoring can be of the pedal-gluteal variety.
I've also seen, and continue to see, what might be called cliquishness, in the sense that some nurses are pals and some aren't. I don't consider what I've seen cliquish, but some people do have more affinity for some people than others. Having a circle of friends is only wrong if you're hostile to those outside the circle.
So, I don't think it's a big problem with nursing that newbies have to prove themselves, that some people like each other more than someone else, and that even the people we like can get on each other's nerves from time to time.
We aren't angels of mercy--we sweat and fart and cuss just like normal people, we just have to do it in the med room.
Honestly, I've never seen the sort of pathological environment described in the OP, but I've seen that sort of thing written about enough here to believe it does happen. I imagine a lot of it may have to do with stress. On my unit, our max ratio is 6:1, and you can see people get a bit testy when they have a tough team. Give us 10, of similar acuity, and I can well imagine it could get ugly. And, of course, ratios aren't the only stressors.
Which brings me, at last, to my second point. In such an environment, your options come down to fight or flight. Get out of Dodge and find a better place to work (not so easy, these days) or overcome the obstacles. The latter option is not going to be a picnic, but it isn't insurmountable. Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. Not easily. Part of it, I think, is anger management.
I think people who are bullied have more anger than they want to admit. I've been in that position, and it takes a lot of practice to find a middle-ground between doormat and disgruntled postal worker. If, like me, you're inclined to bottle things up and blame yourself first, it's tempting to feel like if you ever let go, you'll start shooting people. Or at least cuss them out real good. But it is possible to stand up for yourself without going berserk, to express your annoyance before it becomes rage.
I went through a period of what I now recognize as dysthymia--mild, chronic depression that never came close to suicidal, but took a lot of the joy out of my life. One day, I was feeling sorry for myself and wondering what was wrong with me, and I started getting mad that everything was so screwed up and threw my Bic lighter across the room, and when it hit the wall it broke with a little "pop" (exploded, but not in flames), and with that "pop" my depression lifted. A little anger can be motivating. It's tempting to think we're civilized people in a civilized world, and sometimes we can be, but we're still animals, and sometimes we really do have to fight for our lives. All that adrenaline and all that reptile-brain thinking is there for a reason. You can use it without letting it control you.
Finally, (hurray!) if you choose to fight, know your enemy. Ultimately, the only person you have much control over is yourself, but that does not mean you are your enemy. THEY are your enemy. Being mad at yourself is wasted energy. And if things are as described, the management who allows a situation like that is part of the enemy. IMHO--well, IMO--you should formally complain about the way your are being treated, and be prepared to take the fight to court, if necessary. Your employer has a moral and legal obligation not to allow horizontal violence, but they can usually evade at least the legal obligation if they "don't know" it's happening.
Sorry to be so long-winded. I think I may have more issues than I realized. My sincere best wishes--now go kick some butts.