I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

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if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

Specializes in Neuroscience/Neuro-surgery/Med-Surgical/.

Wow, do I feel your level of frustration and despair! Its disheartening to work among those nasty coworkers in what is suppose to be a 'caring' profession.

It's time to contact the EAP (employee assistance program) for some counseling (its free!), and follow up with your unit manager and HR about how you have been treated. This sounds like lateral violence, (at work) and cannot be tolerated. As far as the home life situation, the counseling via EAP may also have helpful input.

I realize it may be difficult for you to do, but turn it around on these critical co-workers when they are being unprofessional, and ask to take such discussions outside the patient's room. Inquire if they realize how they are talking to you, or why. In my experience, when I confront people in such a manner, it has stopped them in mid sentence, and often they have either apologized, or taken the harshness down a notch to a civil conversation.

I have found that this helps to diffuse the situation, and will let those types of nurses know that you give respect, as you also demand respect.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, I truly am.

Hugs:hug:

Specializes in Med/Surge, Psych, LTC, Home Health.

Wow.

Yes, it does seem like the nursing profession is full of "bullies"... it's a hard profession and it can be a mentally draining profession. It can be a profession that can really tear up a person's confidence in themself, and so they compensate by trying to make others feel bad. I do believe that this exists in many other professions as well.

It does seem like you are probably being bullied... there are a lot of nurses out there who don't exactly appreciate it when a young, attractive, smart nurse comes along and has her own way of doing things and does them well. Someone who seems to be "climbing that ladder" by joining committees, getting involved, may be the target of jealous coworkers as well. (NOTE to other nurses; I'm not saying the above behavior is typical!! But I believe that it does happen!)

So to say that you are being bullied may not be a farfetched assumption, HOWEVER.... I also detect the slightest bit of um, paranoia in your post. I mean... the DEGREE of bullying that you are describing... I'm having my doubts here. You sound like someone who HAS been bullied terribly and abused in the past, and now you pretty much assume that it is going to happen to you wherever you go. I've been there, somewhat... I was bullied an awful lot growing up and it still haunts me.

I just have this funny feeling that it may NOT be happening nearly as badly as you are letting yourself believe.

Hugs.

I wholeheartedly second the advice to contact the EAP. These folks can help you learn to be more assertive. They can also help you monitor and maybe get treatment for PTSD and anything else that is bothering you.

Why do people act this way? In part, because they can. You have put your vulnerability out there for everyone to see. I'm not blaming you, just stating a reality. You care so much that it's being used against you. If someone corrects or criticizes something you did, say, "Thanks. I'll take that into consideration," and just leave it at that. Don't fall on your sword. Don't waste time feeling stupid. Don't argue or try to explain that So-and-so said you should do it another way. Just tell them you'll give it some thought and move on.

An old commercial said, "Never let 'em see you sweat." This is good advice. Do not wear your heart on your sleeve. If they want to get all snarky about your looks, let it roll off of you. You're not going to work to make friends. Of course, it would be nice to feel safe, but that will come.

Stop telegraphing your frustration and fragile state of mind. This is darn difficult, but it can be done. And stop looking for anyone else's approval. Mean people take that and run with it. They use your eagerness to please to beat you over the head.

Keep a small notebook with you and write down questions you have about patient care. Look them up in the P&P manual when you have a chance. Or come here and vent and ask away. Also, keep a record of small successes, things you are proud of, nice things patients say. Take the notebook out and read the happy things when you're feeling down.

Try to eat and sleep well. Do things away from the job that build your confidence and stamina. Talk to the EAP folks. Leave the job at the job.

It will gradually get better as you find your footing. Do not give your co-workers a vote on whether you're an okay person or not.

One tip: When someone says something really outrageous to you, just stop and say, "Excuse me?" like you can't believe what you just heard. Give them a good hard stare and let that phrase just hang there in space. A pretty high percentage of people will back-pedal at least a little after that.

I'm sorry you're going through such hard times, but you will grow through this. And you will be a good preceptor someday.

Let us know what happens.

More hugs.

Specializes in Accident and Emergency, Tutor & Assessor.

Unfortunately, we humans are essentially animals, and as such, basically sniff out vulnerability such as yours. I sometimes think it frightens other humans who are living fragile lives and that triggers them to reject you. You will find that it is the most grounded people who will treat you properly. Those who don't, have their own problems. With all that you have been through, you are a lot stronger than most people, and as such, need to acknowledge that. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. If you are attractive then be glad, because that will get you a lot further in life than you know. You need to take a good look in the mirror and congratulate yourself on being who you are, and be glad that you are not one of these sheepish workers who huddle in packs because they are so weak. You don't need them, they haven't got you to where you are now, and they aren't necessary to get you anywhere else either. Become one of the people that you admire, who take everybody equally, and don't gossip or hide in cliques. Be a person that you can look up to, I think you probably already are that person, but you just need to acknowledge it. Once you have some self respect and are aware that with all you have been through in life, a bit of backstabbing is nothing to you, it will stop. Guaranteed. The minute you stop being bothered, it will stop. I really hope that you will be ok and your life gets better. Your husband sounds caring and you have children who are healthy and happy I presume? Count your blessings. You sound like a great person but unfortunately in this life it is the nice people who suffer the most in my experience.

Specializes in SICU.

Seconding those that said to contact your hospitals EAP. I think your past experiences and your current home problems are coloring your views about how you are being treated at work.

Yes, it seems like there is some bulling going on. However, it also seems that you are blowing up some events into problems. You always wear you hair in a bun with a certain color lipstick, when you change your hair and lipstick, did you really expect them not to comment. We had a co-worker come in once looking very different (hair and make-up very glamorous), we all teased her the entire night. She had actually been in a fashion show that day and had come from that to work. However, we teased her about coming from a lover, going doctor hunting etc. She accepted in the fun way it was meant, but she did not have your self esteem problems and background.

A more difficult problem that you have is the unit you are on. ICU's are full of A-type personalities that will nit pick on small things. Neonatal ICU nurses are even more anal-attentive than other ICU nurses about how things need to be done. And yes they can all have a different idea on how things should be done.

Get some counseling so you can set boundaries on how you will be talked to about perceived mistakes without blowing up. Unfortunately even if NICU is your dream job it might not have been the best place for you to have started as a new grad for your mental health.

Go to counseling, go to your manager. You need help now.

While I am very sympathetic of your situation, especially around "professionals" you mention it's been happening all your life. People who push to get their way are pretty much everywhere though. People are people and no job is free of the risk of someone being pushy or unkind. Instead of trying to change the co-workers you meet at each job, how can we work together to get you feeling stronger? You don't have to be a victim -- just decide you will not be. Can you get coaching on how to feel more assertive? Can you turn to a preceptor or someone else for help on good responses to common situations a nurse might find herself in?

You mention having a 4.0. I bet you're super-smart. You may be an introvert and just didn't spend as much time socializing as you grew up? Could you be mis-interpreting some of what is being said as "bullying" because you're really not sure how to respond & all you know is you're uncomfortable? When confronted with what might be an ambiguous statement, instead of assuming the other person is pushing you around, can you tell yourself the person doesn't mean to sound rude and forgive them? Whether their pushiness is conscious or unconscious, just accept the person is assertive, and don't let it shake you. If they're asking for something totally inappropriate, let them or someone know. But otherwise, try not to take things personally.

This probably doesn't apply ot you, but I'll mention it anyway: I have a friend who feels bullied alot in social situations. She sought help and it turns out she has a mild form of Asburgers. She just has a really hard time telling peoples' intentions when they say things. She got coaching from a therapist, and it has helped her with putting peoples' statements into a more useful context in her mind. It also helped teach her the social actions/intonations/phrases that others expect, so she is accepted more easily and people don't accidentally put her on the spot.

In nursing, if it's not a co-worker, it might be a patient who uses "bullying" behavior to get what he wants. It's impossible to rid the word of bullies. Even if you had the nicest co-workers in the world, you can't choose your patients.... so I feel it's in your best interest to develop the skills to not let bullying behavior upset you as much. Just remember: their behavior (rude, bullying, whatever) is THEIR problem, not yours, and it's not about you. :nurse:

Specializes in LTC.

I've been bullied all my life and it continues...

People are bullied as much as they let people bully them. Speak up! If it's just too stressful for you, then leave. Simple. I wouldn't put up with it. People need to grow a spine and confront these dregs of the workplace.

Specializes in Psych.

There's a saying..."Wherever you go, there you are."

It's very important that you get therapy and put a big, bright spotlight on this life of having 'been bullied' so you can tackle it head on and start to heal from the lifelong pain you've experienced because of it. If you don't, what's going to happen is that this personal experience is going to happen for you over and over and over again, over the years and across situations (as it has and is right now) every time you're interacting with people who aren't behaving kindly and gently or being welcoming and nurturing.

I'm not saying it's YOU, not them...but with therapy, you'll come to realize that the rest of the world will be whatever it's going to be, while you'll be secure in knowing that YOU are just fine.

Specializes in RN, BSN, CHDN.

What a horrrible situation you find yourself in I suggest you either stand up for yourself and stand by the care you have delivered! Or you see help from your superviser.

I personnally think you are at the end of your tether and need support from somebody soon.

Unfortunatly what you are experiencing seems to be more comman than It should be amongst New Grads!

Specializes in Geriatrics, dementia, hospice.

I feel your pain!

Although I am not a nurse yet, I do work in health care and see all the cattiness the profession displays. It's horrible!

As difficult as it will be, you do need to find a way to speak up to management. Perhaps enlist the help of the few friendly people to back you up when you do. Also, when other nurses are less than professional with you in front of patient families, politely ask the family members to act as a witness and write a statement of the conduct they saw. Hopefully, if your management is worth even a single grain of salt, statements from outsiders about unprofessional employee conduct will be taken seriously. Perhaps these rude people will receive the discipline they deserve, in writing. Aggressively pursue statements from others and keep these people in the office for disciplinary action should their nasty behavior continue.

While I'm not suggesting that you go out on an all-out witch hunt, I do think you need to carefully watch these obnoxious people. You'll likely find that they make plenty of mistakes, big and small. Should you happen to start discovering their mistakes, they'll likely want to stop treating you so poorly for fear that you'll spill the beans, which you should.

Start keeping a journal of everything that goes on. If possible, get a few of the friendly people to write statements on your behalf. Perhaps even get them to sign your journal entries. Doing this will help you to feel less helpless because, even though you might not be directly confronting your nasty co-workers, you'll know that you're not just sitting around helpless and doing nothing. You'll feel strengthened, which will probably help you to start confronting some of the nastiness directly.

As your journal entries build, which shouldn't take long, talk to management and human resources. If no one does anything, go see a lawyer about representing you for a workplace harassment suit. No hospital wants to go through this, so if they even think that you might file a lawsuit, it's likely that they'll take your claims seriously and begin an investigation, during which time you should be protected from any kind of retaliation.

Finally, keep copies of your initial post here on Allnurses.com as proof of how stressful your workplace has become. Give one to your lawyer, along with a copy of your journal, should you need to pursue legal action.

There is one nurse (lower on the chain than I am, but has wormed her way into a position where she feels superior) and she dislikes me very much. I recently learned she has been spreading a vicious rumor about me as well. I have done NOTHING to her, but I'm feeling like turning the tables on her. It might be childish but I just might give her a little of her own medicine. Some people are nasty and it doesn't matter who gets in their path.

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