I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

vivacious1healer · Apr 21, 2010

Wow, do I feel your level of frustration and despair! Its disheartening to work among those nasty coworkers in what is suppose to be a 'caring' profession.

It's time to contact the EAP (employee assistance program) for some counseling (its free!), and follow up with your unit manager and HR about how you have been treated. This sounds like lateral violence, (at work) and cannot be tolerated. As far as the home life situation, the counseling via EAP may also have helpful input.

I realize it may be difficult for you to do, but turn it around on these critical co-workers when they are being unprofessional, and ask to take such discussions outside the patient's room. Inquire if they realize how they are talking to you, or why. In my experience, when I confront people in such a manner, it has stopped them in mid sentence, and often they have either apologized, or taken the harshness down a notch to a civil conversation.

I have found that this helps to diffuse the situation, and will let those types of nurses know that you give respect, as you also demand respect.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this, I truly am.

Hugs:hug:

allnurses Guide · Apr 21, 2010

Wow.

Yes, it does seem like the nursing profession is full of "bullies"... it's a hard profession and it can be a mentally draining profession. It can be a profession that can really tear up a person's confidence in themself, and so they compensate by trying to make others feel bad. I do believe that this exists in many other professions as well.

It does seem like you are probably being bullied... there are a lot of nurses out there who don't exactly appreciate it when a young, attractive, smart nurse comes along and has her own way of doing things and does them well. Someone who seems to be "climbing that ladder" by joining committees, getting involved, may be the target of jealous coworkers as well. (NOTE to other nurses; I'm not saying the above behavior is typical!! But I believe that it does happen!)

So to say that you are being bullied may not be a farfetched assumption, HOWEVER.... I also detect the slightest bit of um, paranoia in your post. I mean... the DEGREE of bullying that you are describing... I'm having my doubts here. You sound like someone who HAS been bullied terribly and abused in the past, and now you pretty much assume that it is going to happen to you wherever you go. I've been there, somewhat... I was bullied an awful lot growing up and it still haunts me.

I just have this funny feeling that it may NOT be happening nearly as badly as you are letting yourself believe.

rn/writer, RN · Apr 21, 2010

Hugs.

I wholeheartedly second the advice to contact the EAP. These folks can help you learn to be more assertive. They can also help you monitor and maybe get treatment for PTSD and anything else that is bothering you.

Why do people act this way? In part, because they can. You have put your vulnerability out there for everyone to see. I'm not blaming you, just stating a reality. You care so much that it's being used against you. If someone corrects or criticizes something you did, say, "Thanks. I'll take that into consideration," and just leave it at that. Don't fall on your sword. Don't waste time feeling stupid. Don't argue or try to explain that So-and-so said you should do it another way. Just tell them you'll give it some thought and move on.

An old commercial said, "Never let 'em see you sweat." This is good advice. Do not wear your heart on your sleeve. If they want to get all snarky about your looks, let it roll off of you. You're not going to work to make friends. Of course, it would be nice to feel safe, but that will come.

Stop telegraphing your frustration and fragile state of mind. This is darn difficult, but it can be done. And stop looking for anyone else's approval. Mean people take that and run with it. They use your eagerness to please to beat you over the head.

Keep a small notebook with you and write down questions you have about patient care. Look them up in the P&P manual when you have a chance. Or come here and vent and ask away. Also, keep a record of small successes, things you are proud of, nice things patients say. Take the notebook out and read the happy things when you're feeling down.

Try to eat and sleep well. Do things away from the job that build your confidence and stamina. Talk to the EAP folks. Leave the job at the job.

It will gradually get better as you find your footing. Do not give your co-workers a vote on whether you're an okay person or not.

One tip: When someone says something really outrageous to you, just stop and say, "Excuse me?" like you can't believe what you just heard. Give them a good hard stare and let that phrase just hang there in space. A pretty high percentage of people will back-pedal at least a little after that.

I'm sorry you're going through such hard times, but you will grow through this. And you will be a good preceptor someday.

Let us know what happens.

More hugs.

District46 · Apr 21, 2010

Unfortunately, we humans are essentially animals, and as such, basically sniff out vulnerability such as yours. I sometimes think it frightens other humans who are living fragile lives and that triggers them to reject you. You will find that it is the most grounded people who will treat you properly. Those who don't, have their own problems. With all that you have been through, you are a lot stronger than most people, and as such, need to acknowledge that. Give yourself a huge pat on the back. If you are attractive then be glad, because that will get you a lot further in life than you know. You need to take a good look in the mirror and congratulate yourself on being who you are, and be glad that you are not one of these sheepish workers who huddle in packs because they are so weak. You don't need them, they haven't got you to where you are now, and they aren't necessary to get you anywhere else either. Become one of the people that you admire, who take everybody equally, and don't gossip or hide in cliques. Be a person that you can look up to, I think you probably already are that person, but you just need to acknowledge it. Once you have some self respect and are aware that with all you have been through in life, a bit of backstabbing is nothing to you, it will stop. Guaranteed. The minute you stop being bothered, it will stop. I really hope that you will be ok and your life gets better. Your husband sounds caring and you have children who are healthy and happy I presume? Count your blessings. You sound like a great person but unfortunately in this life it is the nice people who suffer the most in my experience.

ukstudent · Apr 21, 2010

Seconding those that said to contact your hospitals EAP. I think your past experiences and your current home problems are coloring your views about how you are being treated at work.

Yes, it seems like there is some bulling going on. However, it also seems that you are blowing up some events into problems. You always wear you hair in a bun with a certain color lipstick, when you change your hair and lipstick, did you really expect them not to comment. We had a co-worker come in once looking very different (hair and make-up very glamorous), we all teased her the entire night. She had actually been in a fashion show that day and had come from that to work. However, we teased her about coming from a lover, going doctor hunting etc. She accepted in the fun way it was meant, but she did not have your self esteem problems and background.

A more difficult problem that you have is the unit you are on. ICU's are full of A-type personalities that will nit pick on small things. Neonatal ICU nurses are even more anal-attentive than other ICU nurses about how things need to be done. And yes they can all have a different idea on how things should be done.

Get some counseling so you can set boundaries on how you will be talked to about perceived mistakes without blowing up. Unfortunately even if NICU is your dream job it might not have been the best place for you to have started as a new grad for your mental health.

Go to counseling, go to your manager. You need help now.

CeilingCat, ASN, RN · Apr 21, 2010

While I am very sympathetic of your situation, especially around "professionals" you mention it's been happening all your life. People who push to get their way are pretty much everywhere though. People are people and no job is free of the risk of someone being pushy or unkind. Instead of trying to change the co-workers you meet at each job, how can we work together to get you feeling stronger? You don't have to be a victim -- just decide you will not be. Can you get coaching on how to feel more assertive? Can you turn to a preceptor or someone else for help on good responses to common situations a nurse might find herself in?

You mention having a 4.0. I bet you're super-smart. You may be an introvert and just didn't spend as much time socializing as you grew up? Could you be mis-interpreting some of what is being said as "bullying" because you're really not sure how to respond & all you know is you're uncomfortable? When confronted with what might be an ambiguous statement, instead of assuming the other person is pushing you around, can you tell yourself the person doesn't mean to sound rude and forgive them? Whether their pushiness is conscious or unconscious, just accept the person is assertive, and don't let it shake you. If they're asking for something totally inappropriate, let them or someone know. But otherwise, try not to take things personally.

This probably doesn't apply ot you, but I'll mention it anyway: I have a friend who feels bullied alot in social situations. She sought help and it turns out she has a mild form of Asburgers. She just has a really hard time telling peoples' intentions when they say things. She got coaching from a therapist, and it has helped her with putting peoples' statements into a more useful context in her mind. It also helped teach her the social actions/intonations/phrases that others expect, so she is accepted more easily and people don't accidentally put her on the spot.

In nursing, if it's not a co-worker, it might be a patient who uses "bullying" behavior to get what he wants. It's impossible to rid the word of bullies. Even if you had the nicest co-workers in the world, you can't choose your patients.... so I feel it's in your best interest to develop the skills to not let bullying behavior upset you as much. Just remember: their behavior (rude, bullying, whatever) is THEIR problem, not yours, and it's not about you. :nurse:

nursinger · Apr 21, 2010

I've been bullied all my life and it continues...

People are bullied as much as they let people bully them. Speak up! If it's just too stressful for you, then leave. Simple. I wouldn't put up with it. People need to grow a spine and confront these dregs of the workplace.

whodatnurse · Apr 21, 2010

There's a saying..."Wherever you go, there you are."

It's very important that you get therapy and put a big, bright spotlight on this life of having 'been bullied' so you can tackle it head on and start to heal from the lifelong pain you've experienced because of it. If you don't, what's going to happen is that this personal experience is going to happen for you over and over and over again, over the years and across situations (as it has and is right now) every time you're interacting with people who aren't behaving kindly and gently or being welcoming and nurturing.

I'm not saying it's YOU, not them...but with therapy, you'll come to realize that the rest of the world will be whatever it's going to be, while you'll be secure in knowing that YOU are just fine.

madwife2002, BSN, RN · Apr 21, 2010

What a horrrible situation you find yourself in I suggest you either stand up for yourself and stand by the care you have delivered! Or you see help from your superviser.

I personnally think you are at the end of your tether and need support from somebody soon.

Unfortunatly what you are experiencing seems to be more comman than It should be amongst New Grads!

777RN, BSN, RN · Apr 21, 2010

I feel your pain!

Although I am not a nurse yet, I do work in health care and see all the cattiness the profession displays. It's horrible!

As difficult as it will be, you do need to find a way to speak up to management. Perhaps enlist the help of the few friendly people to back you up when you do. Also, when other nurses are less than professional with you in front of patient families, politely ask the family members to act as a witness and write a statement of the conduct they saw. Hopefully, if your management is worth even a single grain of salt, statements from outsiders about unprofessional employee conduct will be taken seriously. Perhaps these rude people will receive the discipline they deserve, in writing. Aggressively pursue statements from others and keep these people in the office for disciplinary action should their nasty behavior continue.

While I'm not suggesting that you go out on an all-out witch hunt, I do think you need to carefully watch these obnoxious people. You'll likely find that they make plenty of mistakes, big and small. Should you happen to start discovering their mistakes, they'll likely want to stop treating you so poorly for fear that you'll spill the beans, which you should.

Start keeping a journal of everything that goes on. If possible, get a few of the friendly people to write statements on your behalf. Perhaps even get them to sign your journal entries. Doing this will help you to feel less helpless because, even though you might not be directly confronting your nasty co-workers, you'll know that you're not just sitting around helpless and doing nothing. You'll feel strengthened, which will probably help you to start confronting some of the nastiness directly.

As your journal entries build, which shouldn't take long, talk to management and human resources. If no one does anything, go see a lawyer about representing you for a workplace harassment suit. No hospital wants to go through this, so if they even think that you might file a lawsuit, it's likely that they'll take your claims seriously and begin an investigation, during which time you should be protected from any kind of retaliation.

Finally, keep copies of your initial post here on Allnurses.com as proof of how stressful your workplace has become. Give one to your lawyer, along with a copy of your journal, should you need to pursue legal action.

danceswithsnakes · Apr 21, 2010

There is one nurse (lower on the chain than I am, but has wormed her way into a position where she feels superior) and she dislikes me very much. I recently learned she has been spreading a vicious rumor about me as well. I have done NOTHING to her, but I'm feeling like turning the tables on her. It might be childish but I just might give her a little of her own medicine. Some people are nasty and it doesn't matter who gets in their path.