I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[Katie5]

Now dear, it's time to stand up for yourself- when you work situation begins to affect your home life, then it becomes unacceptable.

So now, you're no longer fighting to get respect at work, it has become much more personal- you're fighting to save your marriage.

Bullies move in packs, makes them seem stronger that way. You cannot be so docile anymore and taking whatever they choose to give to you. You can start this with your oncoming nurse, when they decide to chew you out, you put a stop to it right then and make known to them, what you did actually do.

Get some self-help books, listen to some self-help audio, you sound way too much of a victim. You may have been one before but you CANNOT REMAIN one. You make yourself sound too much like one.

The comment about the lipstick, it was your lipstick-you liked the color. YOU let a find situation pass by when you could have spoken up for yourself. On reporting about being bullied, it's just like in school, you report and you get bullied more, may be more subtle, but you still get bullied more. You NEED to stand up for yourself.

Continue with this and it may pass on to your child to become a willing victim. If nothing else, do it for your family. I understand it may be hard, but I can't understand how you would be bullied at work and then at home and then you still take it?

Drink some energizer!

[Phlavyah]

I don't think it is your fault you are being treated this awful way, but I do feel that there are 2 things going on here. 1) after going through everything you have mentioned in life, you must be hypersensitive to such treatment and the perception you have of each situation may be a bit heightened. Not saying that it is not there, just make sure u r able to step back, and filter your feelings out of the situation so u can properly make rational decisions (I know, not an easy thing to do)!! 2) you are wearing your heart on your sleeve. Unfortunetly, unless you find your strength, either through counseling, or by fighting back somehow, it will not stop. People who are prone to being bullied are people who sort of "exude" an aura of vulnerability, and that they will take the abuse without fighting back. Bullies are absolute cowards who only attack either in groups, or when then know for sure the victim won't fight back, they are like vultures who pray on the weak. Please seek a way to find your strength and stop allowing people to act in such a way. I went through something similar and my first defense was to talk to management who were scared of my bully and just told me to "stay out of her way". I remember going home in tears every night. After I complained to management she confronted me in the parking lot and I thought she was going to physically hurt me. It wasn't until I threatened her with a law suit for mental harm/abuse and defamation of character that she left me alone, I bluffed and said that I had many witnesses who were willing to come forward and that she needed to find a new victim, cuz I was not about to take another minute of her nonsense. After the confrontation, I think I shook for about 10 minutes straight. It was very empowering and new to stand up for yourself. The abuse came to a screeching halt.

I'm not saying go full throttle and "loose it" on your bully, make sure first that you are not blowing anything bigger than it actually is, then stand up for yourself. You probably have a lot more strength than you know, you just need to find it... C'mon, look all you have overcome, you DO have the strength to stand up for yourself. Also, eventually you have got to address the bullies in your personal life as well. Please seek counseling, before you become depressed. You have a little one who deserves to have a happy mom. I wish you the best, and if I were your coworker, I'd give you a hug every day!! Keep us posted.

Another thing is: Where do you work that there is so much extra time for so much drama??

[ghillbert, MSN, NP]

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person.

Oh dear, I was with you until I read this... why does any attractive nurse who has trouble with coworkers assume it's because of their fantastic looks? Sometimes I don't get along with people at work, but I assume it's a personality clash, not due to my outstanding physique (hah!).

Honestly, I used to take it personally when a more experienced nurse at report told me all the things I missed, or questioned my actions, or made comments or raised eyebrows.. until I got experienced enough to realize I didn't care what they thought, because I knew I did what was right in my judgement at the time. I don't need to defend myself to my coworkers, because I don't answer to them.

I agree that some type of counseling may help you learn to deal with strong personalities without crumbling.

PS: They are probably just nasty beyotches.

PPS: Can't wait for Ruby to get here.

[whodatnurse]

Oh dear, I was with you until I read this... why does any attractive nurse who has trouble with coworkers assume it's because of their fantastic looks? Sometimes I don't get along with people at work, but I assume it's a personality clash, not due to my outstanding physique (hah!).

Honestly, I used to take it personally when a more experienced nurse at report told me all the things I missed, or questioned my actions, or made comments or raised eyebrows.. until I got experienced enough to realize I didn't care what they thought, because I knew I did what was right in my judgement at the time. I don't need to defend myself to my coworkers, because I don't answer to them.

I agree that some type of counseling may help you learn to deal with strong personalities without crumbling.

PS: They are probably just nasty beyotches.

PPS: Can't wait for Ruby to get here.

Ruby responded to this over in 'do nurses eat their young?'.

[nursinger]

Management needs to get more strict about this issue and have a no tolerance policy. They know it's a problem yet they turn their cheeks. Maybe they should pay these people in education to come up with mandatory inservices on bullying and workplace mobing and start holding people accountable for their actions. I don't understand why work places let this stuff happen and let it continue to happen. As long as it's tolerated, it will only get worse. Toxic workplaces are lethal and mean people suck!

[sunny d]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all this at work! I'm not a nurse yet (still a nursing student) but I can understand where you are coming from because I've experienced a lot of what you've described at times in my previous career. I was very hurt by all that, just like you are now. I still get hurt by this kind of behavior, but way less than before. I agree with many of the other responses you've got that it would help to get some advice or therapy on how to handle this because what can that hurt? I have gotten much better at handling difficult people and that is mainly because I now realize that often (not always) it is the other person who is having the problem, and the problem is not with me. For example, when I experience an instructor who can't teach her way out of a paper bag and is condescending and treats most of her students like they are not smart enough to be a nurse, I realize that this instructor may have some kind of an inferiority complex. She needs to feel better or smarter than other people and she puts others down to feel better about herself. Then I don't take her bad attitude personally. I wouldn't be surprised if your brains and good looks are intimidating to other nurses, but instead of playing them down maybe you could just try to look as pretty as you feel like because your patients would probably appreciate it anyway. Then when a co-worker gets snarky with you about something unimportant you can just smile and ignore her snarkiness, that could really drive her crazy and maybe she'll leave you alone. I think you have gotten well thought out and experienced advice from the others here, but I just wanted to add my support so you know that people care about you. You can overcome this, look how much you have overcome in your life!

[Phlavyah]

Oh dear, I was with you until I read this... why does any attractive nurse who has trouble with coworkers assume it's because of their fantastic looks? Sometimes I don't get along with people at work, but I assume it's a personality clash, not due to my outstanding physique (hah!).

Honestly, I used to take it personally when a more experienced nurse at report told me all the things I missed, or questioned my actions, or made comments or raised eyebrows.. until I got experienced enough to realize I didn't care what they thought, because I knew I did what was right in my judgement at the time. I don't need to defend myself to my coworkers, because I don't answer to them.

I agree that some type of counseling may help you learn to deal with strong personalities without crumbling.

PS: They are probably just nasty beyotches.

PPS: Can't wait for Ruby to get here.

I see your point, just think that in this case, the reason why OP feels this way is because of the constant comments coworkers have regarding her hair, lipstick, appearance, etc... That's probably were OP is getting the idea that her looks are impacting and maybe bringing on the bullying... Although, in most cases, bullying is derived straight from vulnerability, not physical appearance...

[cebuana_nurse]

Does the facility you are in has a program that you could file an anonymously grievance against them? I think that would work for your situation. I agree with the 1st poster about getting into EAP too. That would help. Try not to worry too much about work on your days off because it will ruin your life. Days off is a time where you are supposed to destress and spend time with your family. If you are no longer happy with your current job, feel free to quit it. It's not worth it when your sanity is on the line.

[whodatnurse]

asdjkl

I'm piping up again because I think it's extremely important you do get therapy, if you haven't already. The experiences you mentioned over in the other thread sound as if you now have this script going on in your head that goes "abuse happens to me because I'm shy, young, and attractive". I don't want you to go through years and years and years of this. It's quite understandable how it initially got written but you cannot create a happy life for yourself until you attack this thing at it's roots.

I wish you the very best.

[steelcityrn, RN]

If you are being bullied, there are support systems at work that you can talk to. But, its the moments that are going to come up, and its how you are going to react to them. Not everyone is going to like you, even if you try hard. Some say people that are bullied allow people to bully them. I do feel that young people just can seem to process a respose that they need to a bully, and that is why there are tragic outcomes. I feel that you need to rethink the way you handle the comments made. If there is no response that could possibly help you in that moment, think about putting them on ignore. You also need to have a process in your mind on how to handle this, and keep your mind on your work. I have always felt that if a group of people can't get along, it really comes down to the management of that floor, but thats another topic. If you need to look for another job, do it. Life is short, you need to enjoy your career and not take your troubles home with you. Remember to try and help yourself and pray for a positive outcome.

[asdjkl]

thank you everyone.

i will take everything you said and think about it.

i have been thinking about going to the EAP, i will have to find out more information about it.

i will call today.

my other newbie coworkers have had similar experiences (we have talked about it) -- but i seem to get it a lot worse than they do. in general, they are 'tougher' than i am and don't seem to be a target.

there is a lot of Autism Spectrum in my family, particularly among my parents and siblings - some aunts, uncles, cousins as well.

I do not think that I am on the Spectrum myself -- however, being raised by a mother who is not 'normal' and has never functioned in society with a real job or really any friends outside of the family --- it was much more difficult for me to know what to say and do in social situations. the older i got, the more inappropriate i learned that many things she said and did were. i have worked very hard to try to learn to be as 'normal' as possible and i have had a lot of success with jobs and school over the years ... with friends, it's been hit and miss. anyone who knows me, loves me. the only people who don't seem to like me are those who don't 'know' me, and won't even give me a chance -- it's like they decide they hate me at first sight. i am a very sensitive person, but any nice, normal person really seems to love me. my problem is --- any bully that i walk past, seems to target me like a bloodhound.

during nursing school, i was verbally and sexually assaulted by a psych patient in front of my teacher and other students and patients in the day room!!! why me? i was with a group of about 6 other young, attractive female students. yet i was the target - it was my biggest fear, and it came true, even with my teacher right there beside me. talk about a PTSD trigger. and i was dressed nicely and conservatively with a bun, slacks, blouse.

i dressed like a "man" the rest of the semester because i was terrified of psych patients after that. (yes, i did meet some very nice psych patients, but i was still terrified due to that horrible experience).

i have also been criticized because i "let" the patient upset me -- but sorry, i have been verbally, physically, and sexually abused. i have PTSD. that's not something you magically get over, even with therapy. it took all my strength, just to go back to that clinical location and face him again several times. that is one reason i choose to work with babies, because i am sometimes fearful of adult males -- because as we all know, adult male patients can sometimes be real pigs!

i have also been criticized that i am being melodramatic or that there must be something wrong with me or that i haven't really had a hard life. being a public forum, i don't think it's proper to put my entire life story on here (it wouldn't fit anyway!) and go into great detail about my workplace and the people there.

when i said i am smart and attractive, i wasn't trying to toot my own horn -- i was just repeating what my real life friends, family, teachers, and coworkers have told me --- people who actually know me and care about me, have said that i am targeted because i am shy, smart, attractive, and apparently seem to have 'bully me please!' tattooed on my forehead somewhere, because i have low self esteem and i guess bullies just pick up on it.

believe me, i have analyzed myself over and over, to see if i am doing something wrong by my words or actions, and try to improve it. i also talk to friends and teachers, to try to get feedback from them as well. i figured i would post here, to try to get more feedback. thank you to everyone who replied kindly and constructively, i appreciate it very much.

i was bullied a LOT in school (moved around a lot, too) and no one ever stopped it even when i said anything -- not teachers, not counselors, not family. i was also severely abused at home and grew up to have abusive relationships as well. i have fought very hard to get beyond that and try to have as normal and healthy life as possible for myself and my family. for many years, i was very self-detrimental but still fought hard against the urge to commit suicide, because my life was very bleak -- but i wanted so much to succeed in having a happy life at last.

i am also trying to work with my husband on this. he is the opposite in many ways --- he is Mr. Confidence, everyone always loves him, he's always a team leader, club president, etc. ... the last person who ever got picked on.

thank you for listening and for your thoughtful replies.

[multi10]

I had an identical situation as a young RN in an ICU. Most of the nurses were older but there were a few in their 20's (I was 24). This was a teaching hospital and the interns and residents noticed me. The chief surgical resident (single) asked me for dates although I was a newlywed.

The nurses were horrible to me and the Nurse Assistants refused to assist me. The nurses falsely told the manager that I had verbally abused a patient. It was hilarious when other PATIENTS in the unit stood up for me and said that I was always kind and gentle with my patients.

How did I deal with it? One night I was working with the biggest bully of all. She barked some nasty comment to me and I said, "How dare you speak to me that way? Who do you think you are?"

She was dumbstruck and just stammered and moved away. One of the NA's heard the exchange and spread the word. Over the ensuing days, weeks and months, I gained the respect of my colleagues and stayed in that unit for years.