I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[danceswithsnakes]

Oh dear, I was with you until I read this... why does any attractive nurse who has trouble with coworkers assume it's because of their fantastic looks? Sometimes I don't get along with people at work, but I assume it's a personality clash, not due to my outstanding physique (hah!).

Honestly, I used to take it personally when a more experienced nurse at report told me all the things I missed, or questioned my actions, or made comments or raised eyebrows.. until I got experienced enough to realize I didn't care what they thought, because I knew I did what was right in my judgement at the time. I don't need to defend myself to my coworkers, because I don't answer to them.

I agree that some type of counseling may help you learn to deal with strong personalities without crumbling.

PS: They are probably just nasty beyotches.

PPS: Can't wait for Ruby to get here.

I have above average looks myself, and I've wondered if this may be one of the reasons (I'll just nicely call her a post menopausal, crispy-crunchy from the tanning bed, gossipy, nasty skank) hates me so much, because she recently succeeded in seeing to the termination of another nurse with above average looks and personality as well. She is vicious, to say the least, and I can't figure why she dislikes me so much. She is also a recent divorcee because her last husband was cheating on her, and maybe we remind her of "the other woman." Who knows, I'm younger and prettier than she is, but I'm not betting that's the only reason she hates me so. Nasty is nasty. I don't get envious and catty because another woman is prettier than I am, and I doubt that is the reason the OP is getting bullied.

Some people are just bullies. Some people are easy targets for being bullied. We have to make up our minds not to be a victim but learn how to turn the tables.

[country mom]

http://www.workplacebullying.org/targets.html

A pretty good web resource on bullying, with advice for targets.

[PureLifeRN]

There are two sides to this story, I am sure.....

I have found most nurses to be supportive and nice, although there are a couple bad ones. If I find myself in a situation where 1-2 nurses are mean and nasty to me.....shame on them. They are "the bad apples" with nasty dispositions and attitudes. But if the whole unit of 100 nurses dont like you....well shame on you. It takes a lot for 100 people not to like someone, lol. Either you are over exaggerating or really turn people off. Seriously look at the situation and either recognize that:

1) not everyone hates you. So grow thick skin and ignore the ones who are mean, and be friends with the ones who are nice to you.

2) everyone does hate you, and it might be because you are doing something (whether spoken or in body language) to turn people off.

I think its probably #1. Just ignore the mean people and you will find that life is much easier without stressing over people who dont like you. Life's too short to spend time on nasty people.

Jess

[asdjkl]

thank you

i didn't mean that all 100 nurses are nasty to me. SOME are nice and supportive (and thank heavens for them!!!!!)... some are indifferent ... some are a little cold or nasty ... and some are downright nasty --- and the nastiest ones have a reputation for being nasty not only to me, but to other people as well. i thought i explained that earlier, but maybe i didn't ... it's hard to put down every single thing into writing, especially when stressed out and tired.

as a matter of fact, before i started working in this unit --- people told me, OMG, i can't believe you're working there, nurses there are so nasty! and i didn't believe it, i was sure that i would be just fine, i would work hard and be nice to everyone, no problem ... but in the case of SOME of the nurses, it seems to be true, they are just nasty people and seem to LOOOOVE to sink their claws into others.

on another unit i worked on in the past, people warned me beforehand that two certain nurses were EXTREMELY nasty ... so i went in there purposely trying to be extra nice to them. guess what? they were still nasty no matter what, especially one of them. the other one eventually warmed up enough to be 'decent' to me, but i didn't see either of them very often, i was per diem. and that was NOT just me --- both of those nurses had a reputation that preceeded them for being nasty to everyone, and they more than lived up to it. the nastiest one had multiple complaints to management from multiple staff members, and thankfully she eventually ended up taking a job elsewhere.

thanks again to those who have been supportive.

i called the EAP and have an appointment for next week.

[BluegrassRN]

Well, then, it seems as if you actually have four choices.

Stay in the unit. Get counseling and stay in the unit. Quit and try to find another job. Quit, get counseling, and try to find another job.

I vote number two, get counseling and stay in the unit. However, if it truly is a toxic environment, then leave. It still sounds to me like a lot of these issues are actually your own issues, but if you work on it, and the place still isn't making you happy, go somewhere else. Life's too short to be miserable.

[777RN, BSN, RN]

After checking out country mom's link, which appears to be a really good one, there was a link to this book: The Bully at Work.

Perhaps you could buy a number of copies and give them all to the bullies at your job with a note (perhaps verbal) that the book's title made you think of them. Perhaps even give copies to the managers and human resources who should be doing something about the bullying in the first place.

Depending on management's culture, you could even write a little note inside the books -- perhaps something like "Bullies are generally very insecure, depressed people. Thought this book might be helpful to you." -- and then distribute them to the people who "deserve" them in front of a few friendly types who will understand exactly the message at hand.

Not trying to be facetious. Just offering a few more thoughts ...

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

JMHO the OP is a troll.

[whodatnurse]

Well, then, it seems as if you actually have four choices.

Stay in the unit. Get counseling and stay in the unit. Quit and try to find another job. Quit, get counseling, and try to find another job.

I vote number two, get counseling and stay in the unit. However, if it truly is a toxic environment, then leave. It still sounds to me like a lot of these issues are actually your own issues, but if you work on it, and the place still isn't making you happy, go somewhere else. Life's too short to be miserable.

Yeah...you're actually in somewhat of a 'better ' place to be as far as your career is concerned (relative to a lot of posters on this site) in that you said you like the NURSING. That's an important piece to be happy with. A lot of folks come to realize they aren't. :-)

[whodatnurse]

JMHO the OP is a troll.

That sure would be quite a bit of writing for one.

[imintrouble, BSN, RN]

After checking out country mom's link, which appears to be a really good one, there was a link to this book: The Bully at Work.

Perhaps you could buy a number of copies and give them all to the bullies at your job with a note (perhaps verbal) that the book's title made you think of them. Perhaps even give copies to the managers and human resources who should be doing something about the bullying in the first place.

Depending on management's culture, you could even write a little note inside the books -- perhaps something like "Bullies are generally very insecure, depressed people. Thought this book might be helpful to you." -- and then distribute them to the people who "deserve" them in front of a few friendly types who will understand exactly the message at hand.

Not trying to be facetious. Just offering a few more thoughts ...

This made me laugh. I am a very passive person, and tend to be a target for bullies. I do not have the backbone to pull this off, but if I could, if the poster could, the look on her tormentors faces would be priceless.

[ERsn]

Hi :)

As i was reading your post, I felt like i could relate....l'm in nursing school, but i'm also harrassed and laughed at behind my back by girls who sit behind me...

This is something that's also gone on for most of my life and I feel emotionally depleted almost on a daily basis and always feel like its something thats wrong with me... but it's not.

You sound like you have the world to offer..... hard working, intelligent, attractive, caring, compassionate...

and because most people don't have all that to offer, honestly, I think, like I'm sure you've heard before, it's jealousy.

I really have so much to say to this post, but I almost can't find the words.... it hits so close to home.

Everything you said is close to what my life is like. I have a boyfriend, and I'm ALWAYS stressed, depressed.... and it would feel nice if he cared, but he had the nerve to say to me that i'm imagining that these girls are mean.. yeah, i know. Something that makes me even more depressed... i sometimes feel like it's all in my head.

But, I know it's not much, but I really hope that with time, you can see yourself for the wonderful person you are. It makes me very sad and angry to see how these nurses could treat you this way. I see that a lot in my class... we're all in school to become this caring, compassionate professional, meanwhile, they're main agenda is to see who they can destroy next. I know my words are strong, but I feel like so much negativity is constantly thrown my way, it really does ruin your days. I guess what I just want to say is, is you have a friend in me. If you ever want to private message me, feel free. I deal and have dealt with this kind of garbage it seems everyday for most of my life, too.

It's a very lonely, isolating feeling... but look at it like this... you just remind them of how average they really are. They see someone like you, someone they can't ever measue up to and become and that infuriates them. I wish i could do something to stop the harrassment and abuse, but I just want you to know that you're gold :)

Keep in touch if you ever need to talk.:redbeathe :redbeathe

[BluegrassRN]

JMHO the OP is a troll.

I was beginning to wonder this myself.