I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

marielina85 · Apr 21, 2010

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.
I am being eaten alive at work right now.
Yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but nothing, nothing even close to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!
I am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. I killed myself to get that grade! However, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. The nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a lot i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.
I am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work extremely hard, i try to do everything perfectly. I give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. Whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.
Basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. All i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.
But some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. Some days, it seems like most of them are.
I am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---
but what i can not stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. Some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."
the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. As a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some other nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because sheeee does it a little differently.
It doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!
Even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm more than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.
I am not stupid! I am not a bad person! I am not a lazy person! I am the exact opposite of all those things! I am a human being! I am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.
There are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... It would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.
I don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i am a very attractive person. I'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. It is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to only judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even worse because i am a younger, attractive woman.
They give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. And heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. The other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and everyone had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her job for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. Then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. They were also horribly tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.
I wanted to crawl into a hole. That one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. I seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! Fyi, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is famous for being ridiculously blunt and rude.
They were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. Which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... But they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? I try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.
Even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... Most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. They tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there are some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. Seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. Like they can't give me the time of day!
I am just at the end of my rope sometimes.
I cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,
i cry at work more than i care to admit,
i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the nursing itself ... I just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)
and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.
I know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.
Being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!
I had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... I have ptsd from being abused in the past, etc. I am not very good about standing up for myself ... I will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. I don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... As we all know, management at any job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...
I just don't know what to do. I try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... But it just feels like everyone is out to get me.
The other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. No one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! Well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. I could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. Well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and could have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! And couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.
It's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... And problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... My kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... Financial problems ... You name it.
I am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.
I don't know how i will get through this.
I have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.
Seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.
I am a good, kind, strong person inside.
I just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

wow and these are adults???im 24 and i could never imagine acting like that or treating someone like that.im sorry i hope things get better for you.

netglow, ASN, RN · Apr 21, 2010

Here is the zero tolerance policy for LV that I will enforce just as soon as I get the chance one day...

1. Three strikes you're out. You agree (sign) to this upon your employ.

2. All new employees go thru LV/VV awareness/prevention training. Extensive. Everybody's on the same page.

3. After three strikes, you're in small group therapy with psych for LV. If you refuse, you leave or you're fired.

4. You will pay 75% of therapy, auto-deducted out of your paycheck, and you will do it on your own time not company time.

5. If you repeat after therapy, you are fired because you are a ongoing and pervasive threat to the well being of your coworkers and patients.

(Do a little research on lateral violence, a JCAHO Sentinal event). :smokin:

metal_m0nk, BSN, RN · Apr 22, 2010

Here is the zero tolerance policy for LV that I will enforce just as soon as I get the chance one day...
1. Three strikes you're out. You agree (sign) to this upon your employ.
2. All new employees go thru LV/VV awareness/prevention training. Extensive. Everybody's on the same page.
3. After three strikes, you're in small group therapy with psych for LV. If you refuse, you leave or you're fired.
4. You will pay 75% of therapy, auto-deducted out of your paycheck, and you will do it on your own time not company time.
5. If you repeat after therapy, you are fired because you are a ongoing and pervasive threat to the well being of your coworkers and patients.
(Do a little research on lateral violence, a JCAHO Sentinal event).

That's hot.

Seriously. It would be amazing to see employers really step up like that and move to eradicate lateral violence.

nursemike, ASN, RN · Apr 22, 2010

Here is the zero tolerance policy for LV that I will enforce just as soon as I get the chance one day...
1. Three strikes you're out. You agree (sign) to this upon your employ.
2. All new employees go thru LV/VV awareness/prevention training. Extensive. Everybody's on the same page.
3. After three strikes, you're in small group therapy with psych for LV. If you refuse, you leave or you're fired.
4. You will pay 75% of therapy, auto-deducted out of your paycheck, and you will do it on your own time not company time.
5. If you repeat after therapy, you are fired because you are a ongoing and pervasive threat to the well being of your coworkers and patients.
(Do a little research on lateral violence, a JCAHO Sentinal event).

It sounds good, here, but I'm not sure how it would apply in real life. For example, nurse following me asks why I'm still charting at 0830, and I say, "I followed xxx," and she says, "Say no more." We've both just committed LV, but we didn't punch anybody. It's a little catty. I regret it as soon as I say it. But is it a strike? Or, say I simply tell xxx next time I see her, "You left me quite a mess, the other night." Is that LV? If her performance is substandard, she needs to know it, but there are those who would take any word of criticism as an attack, even if I was perfectly understanding that some things inevitably get left for the next shift, from time to time. You don't have to look far on these boards to see people oversensitive even to constructive criticism. So you tell a coworker, "That heparin drip that was ordered at 1600 really needs to be up. It's been three hours." and they complain to mgt that you berated them. Do you get dinged? Do they get dinged for attacking you (you "berated" someone)?

Everything above except for the catty remark is hypothetical. I do regret it, but only a bit, because I and the nurse who followed me understood that the person I followed was struggling, and nothing that was left really endangered a patient (much) as a heparin drip not started might have. You inherent 3 non-functioning IV's, it's hard not to feel put out, but you deal with it and grumble, and grudgingly admit they could possibly have all gone bad in the last 20 minutes, and you remember well when starting an IV was an ordeal for you, too.

I often brag about my unit, here and real life, but we aren't saints--we're a team. We have each other when the poop's in the fan, but we carp and grumble and even snipe a little when things are okay. It's a lot like when I was in the building trades, only nicer.

netglow, ASN, RN · Apr 22, 2010

Not talkin about the little spat stuff. I'm talking about the low-down serious stuff. There is enough of that to keep everybody busy for a while... lots of stats/research on this out there if you have database access.

ChasingRain · Apr 22, 2010

:redpinkhe Just wanted to let you know I care, and to say sorry that you're going through this. I wish I had some magic solution to your problems that would make everything better, but I don't think anyone can give you that. Bullying is a huge problem with children, teens, and adults alike. Thankfully, it's finally getting attention and ppl are realizing that SOMETHING needs to be done.

I'd suggest, as many have, to talk to someone professional about this. It sounds like you are carrying a heavy load and even though you think you can handle it, it may all come crumbling down on you at once. Your health and well-being are far more important than any job. But, your problems won't dissappear just because you quit; these things tend to follow us, and in your case it's already happening else where....

On a lighter note( and just a suggestion): I would go out and buy each of the nurses bullying you a tube of that new lipstick you're wearing. Then when I gave it to them I would say, " I've over-heard you all talking about my lipstick, quite a lot, and I thought, since you liked it so much, that I would get each of you your own tube." :lol2:

Shock them:eek:, leave them speechless, and kill em with kindness. Bullies feed off of pain and weakness; try not to let them see yours.

SoundofMusic · Apr 22, 2010

Sometimes I wish nurses could bring lawsuits against each other, or grievances of some sort, for this ill treatment. I mean -- I would never want to see it abused, but people, especially some of these women need to know that many of us are not going to continue to take it day in and day out and there IS recourse for those who are on the receiving end.

I don't downplay any of what this nurse is saying. I don't feel she is exaggerating. I've worked in another profession. Nursing is by far the most difficult in terms of the CRAP you seem to have to take from other nurses, especially as a newcomer to the field. Nobody -- and I mean NOBODY in other professions treats their new people like this.

I mean -- why not. If a person ends up with multiple grievances filed against them, it would WEED OUT these monsters from the profession.

Lawyers anyone?

nursemike, ASN, RN · Apr 23, 2010

Not talkin about the little spat stuff. I'm talking about the low-down serious stuff. There is enough of that to keep everybody busy for a while... lots of stats/research on this out there if you have database access.

It would take some working out details, but I do agree with the general idea. In fact, I'm pretty sure employers are already required to prevent lateral violence, but clearly some are more diligent about it than others.

cherrybreeze, ADN, RN · Apr 23, 2010

thank you to all the kind and thoughtful posters.
i know i am new to allnurses because i haven't posted that many times before, although i have been reading posts on here every now and then for the last couple of years to try to learn from other nurses -----
but i have been an active member of other online communities for over 10 years now, i have been a moderator on other sites for about 10 years, and have helped with online peer-led support groups for some desperately vulnerable and abused women. i have tons of online friends that i have met in real life --- and they know who i am, know that i am an honest and caring person, and they respect me. i have helped save LIVES just by caring and listening to them, and they have done the same for me. silly me, i thought a forum full of nurses - supposedly caring people - would be a good place to go for job-specific advice and support ... not bashing and more put-downs.
i just have to sit and laugh at anyone who would say anything bad about me, without even knowing me. if you met me in real life, you would feel like an idiot for even saying such a thing. people like that prove the point, that some nasty people will bash others on sight, without even trying to listen with an open mind and get to know them. i guess when you walk around with a hammer, everything looks like a nail. it also seems from reading a couple of other posts here and there, that some of these people like to play the 'toughie' around here. whatever, carry on with your bad self. sorry i was the newbie of the day for you to launch into!
i am sorry that their lives must be so sad and cynical, that they have nothing to do other than bash others who were reaching out sincerely for help and compassion. hopefully when YOU someday need kindness and a helping hand or a listening ear, someone will be more kind to you, than you have been to me.
i am someone who can not stand people who purposely waste their time on the computer all day by writing hurtful remarks to others, or making up fake stories, attacking people, and so on. my only hope by writing here, was to get some support from my peers --- other nurses.
i am grateful to those who took to the time to listen to me and i will not forget your kindness.

You've just proven the point made by all the people who had genuine input. All but a few were "bashing" you, huh? You think people sit on their computers all day just to write hurtful remarks to others (including you). You...wait for it.......think you've been bullied. No surprise there. You've even taken this thread and made it another example of how everyone around you *bullies* you and treats you so badly, without knowing you.

Responses were given based on the info you told, which is all we CAN do. What do you expect? So not all the responses were of the, "there, there, poor you" variety. Doesn't mean you were "bashed" (aka bullied). Until you actively step out of the victim role, you'll always be in it. And your perceptions of how others treat you will not change.

crystalchen · Apr 23, 2010

Dear asdjkl:

I can feel your pain and sadness. I am a new nurse, too, and I feel exactly what you are feeling especially about others talking about you even though they don't really know you, judging about you even though they may not have their brain, and laughing at you with knowing how painful it will be to you. From your words I can feel that you are a very strong person, inside in your heart, and you bring this strong heart with you when you do everything. It is completely fine and normal for anyone to cry under this kind of situation, because no matter how strong your heart is, it should not be bearing these unfreindly and harmful weights. You come to work, with your heart, also with your life that you experienced before. I just want to say, it is really ok to cry, and I will really want to give you a big hug if I am by your side right now and I will cry with you.

Here are some suggestions:

You should talk to management about these issues, they may not be able to do anything regarding to those nurses, but at least you can require shifts so you don't work with them all together. You did mention that there are a few nurses who are helpful and friendly, ask their working schedules and schedule yourself to work with them. I feel that working day shift is better in terms of staff relationships because it is always so busy, nobody gets time to joke around, and management is usually there to help and to monitor. So maybe you can think about working days? I think there is no friendship in working, so don't even expect to make friends in working place, but, know your resources. As mentioned I am a new nurse, too, just worked 7 months, and I know a couple of nurses on the floor who are always open to answer my stupid questions, yeah, stupid just because we don't have experience !! Same as working in a Salon, you never know how to cut this and that kinds of hair until you really cut it, right? and everybody has their own judgement, just like in Salon, too. You think this style is better for the customer, but others may think it is ugly. but the difference is in the Salon when you are done, you are donne, in nursing, you have to pass along the patients and your care. The care you provided are really very important to the patients, and their families, I am sure lots of patients will appreciate your help and your care from their hearts, but they don't usually say it :) remember to document everything you need in terms of care and communications with the providers, you know. You don't want anyone to fill out incident reports on you and find out later that you don't have any documentations on what you did. Also, if you write a note about some very important stuff, make sure you make a copy and save it, because all it matters is your license, and I am sure nobody else cares about it except you.

About family, I feel that. My huband doesn't like me talking to him about work at all. One day I told him that I had my first code and my patient didn't make it... he said well you know it is very common in the hospital about it... they don't know about our job, they pressure we have, and the responsibilities we have. So, find someone else who are also in nursing and share your thoughts, like here :) or I mean some friends in life, you know.

Ok, I have been writing without a subject... sorry, but I do really want to let you know that we here feel your pain, your tear, and I do sincerely hope you will feel better. You are a great nurse, a great wife, a great mother, and, you are a wonderful human being. Before caring for your patients, give yourself sometime and care for your self, just like you put makeups on everyday, we do want ourselves look pretty, that's nature, no reason, right?

Best luck to you my dear!!!

Junebugfairy · Apr 23, 2010

i just wanted to offer hugs and support.

i too was bullied my entire childhood. i was a very overweight child/teen and i was smart, that combination made me a target. i also have add, and when you have to go to 'special classes' or something like that, it does not help either.

when people 'sense' a weakness of some sort, it could be anything, they may use it against you. i believe another poster said this.

some things that help me..

i always remember that their are bad apples and nasty people in any profession, any college, etc... but, there are also many wonderful, kind, caring individuals, and they shine through the nastiness.

hold my head up high. hold your head up high. you cannot change another person's bad attitude, but you can change your attitude and remain positive through anything. remember that people who bully often have their own problems, and they will project their negativity on you. put up your positivity shield, and do not let their negativity lower your self worth.

netglow, ASN, RN · Apr 23, 2010

Yes Mike, they are.

Issue 40: Behaviors that undermine a culture of safety | Joint Commission

However, I have a definite punitive lilt to my solution to repeat offenders as they are given every opportunity to understand what it is that constitutes LV/VV and to "quit". They will have made a conscious choice to repeat offend. I believe zero tolerance is necessary.