I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[island40]

happy to learn needs to know that dominant people seek out weak personalities and though you feel that you didn't do anything to provoke the behavior your victim demeanor and your response to the attack promoted further bullying. Too often we were taught to ignore the bully and they would go away and this is the worse possible advice as the dominant personality feeds off of this cowardly response. Direct, firm confrontation has the highest possibility of stopping the unwanted attention and behavior.

[happy2learn]

happy to learn needs to know that dominant people seek out weak personalities and though you feel that you didn't do anything to provoke the behavior your victim demeanor and your response to the attack promoted further bullying. Too often we were taught to ignore the bully and they would go away and this is the worse possible advice as the dominant personality feeds off of this cowardly response. Direct, firm confrontation has the highest possibility of stopping the unwanted attention and behavior.

I'm not an idiot, that is a no brainer. I also said that the OP needs to build up their confidence, as in not put off such a weak demeanor.

My experience over many many years with bullies says to not feed their behavior. And this comes from when I didn't have confidence and when I do have confidence.My experience says that when you confront them, they enjoy it. They LIKE KNOWING that they are bothering you, so why even go there? I had a friend who makes fun of everyone pretty much and likes to pick fights. She even picked fights with me. And every time I confronted her, she came at me harder and harder and it would only add fuel to the fire. And before you all start saying I didn't confront her properly, you're wrong. I never approach an argumentative situation with an attitude, especially with her. Over the many years of knowing her, and my own personal experiences with other bullies, I have found my method works best for me.

I don't think confrontation works most of the time because I believe that feeds their behavior. They want you to confront them. They want you to pick a fight. They enjoy seeing you bothered. When you confront them you are letting them know that what they say bothers you, so why would they stop? So if you ignore them and talk about it to people who can actually do things, such as management, then they will stop. Once they see it doesn't bother you, they stop. Again, this is my experience. Take it or leave it but it works for me, so I will not be confronting people as I think that is the worst possible advice.

[johnnybravo8802]

I tell you, the nurses on here who are defending the "nurse with seniority" and the "dominant personality" are about as full of crap as it comes. You are probably the examples that are being discussed on here and you need to get a clue. There is no excuse to run over a co-worker and to treat people like dirt. They preach this "caring" crap in school and you get out in the real world and you have nurses stabbing you in the back every time you turn around. These people don't need to be nurses. If these nurses really cared about the patient, they wouldn't be running off new nurses who could potentially lighten the grid and provide a better patient environment. So, next time you're taking care of 8 pts. when it could have been 5 if you'd had another nurse, just think about your comments on here.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i tell you, the nurses on here who are defending the "nurse with seniority" and the "dominant personality" are about as full of crap as it comes. you are probably the examples that are being discussed on here and you need to get a clue. there is no excuse to run over a co-worker and to treat people like dirt. they preach this "caring" crap in school and you get out in the real world and you have nurses stabbing you in the back every time you turn around. these people don't need to be nurses. if these nurses really cared about the patient, they wouldn't be running off new nurses who could potentially lighten the grid and provide a better patient environment. so, next time you're taking care of 8 pts. when it could have been 5 if you'd had another nurse, just think about your comments on here.

"caring crap"? guess i know why you're taking care of eight patients.

[johnnybravo8802]

"caring crap"? guess i know why you're taking care of eight patients.

i'm actually one of the few nurses who care the most about my patients and my co-workers and have never stabbed someone in the back and never will. i complain all the time about pt. load-i hate feeling like an assembly line and having little time to sit down and talk to the pt. and family. i feel like the psychology of a pt. is just as important as the physiology, especially with the elderly. as far as a newbie-i never forget that they are learning and that i was once there. i'm very good at teaching and very patient with a new person-if mistakes happen, their human just like me. i don't shun responsibility for their mistake(i'm ultimately responsible) and i don't turn into a lazy a@# and sit back and watch them do my work like i've had done to me so many times(that's what happens when you're a work horse-people see it and take advantage of it). ultimately, i treat others the way i want to be treated. you have to earn respect and i have.

[annmarie899]

johnny bravo: good for you. and you know what? sometimes upper management is watching as well. I worked in a large urban hospital as a per diem nurse, did 12 or 16 hour shifts to work my way through NP school, and I would go to any floor they put me on - no complaints. I was often bullied, and more often than not - deserted by the nurses aid who knew I was not a permanent employee, so could just take off and enjoy a long break (like 8 hours worth). Instead of complaining ( which got me nowhere) I learned to work alone - in fact, it was easier that way. It was easier for me to do my own VS, I&O, and everything else, rather than waste my time looking for the NA. I remember hearing alot of complaints from the permanent nurses - you know the rote. After about a year I was approached by one of the nurse managers and asked if I would consider the position of WE nursing superviser for the hospital with guaranteed 12 hours on Sat & Sun. I accepted. You would not believe the responses I received from some of the nurses on the floors ( 21 floors to be precise) "how the hell do you go from per diem nurse to supervisor? I've been trying to get that job for years!!" ( I wonder too!) to the opposite end of the spectrum, such as " Congratulations, I'm here to support you, let me know if you need anything". The worst was in the ED: some of the nurses would not even treat me with respect. But then, they were not treating the patients with respect, either.

What is my perspective now? I think the nurses with the bad attitudes are still in the same place. . . and I'm now working on my doctorate in nursing.

Health care is about how we treat people. Do we think we can be good nurses and treat each other like crap? Do we think no one notices?? Isn't that just being hypocritical?? We all have bad days, but don't you have bad days with your family, too? Do you treat your family like crap? kick your dog? Hit and scream at your kids?? how many excuses can you come up with?? maybe if you can't control yourself - it's either time to take a new job AWAY from patients ( the insurance companies are looking for nurses, case managment, research, etc, etc) or maybe retire.

[Redhead28]

Wow.

It is hard for women to work together. We are mean and nitpicky. If you have survived this long you can survive this also. Remember you are there for the patients not for the co-workers. I would pull aside anyone that spoke to me in a degrading way and have a private conversation. Next go to your direct supervisor, then next step if that does not help. Maybe this is not the position for you? The beauty of nursing is there are many different types of nursing in many different places. Maybe a smaller unit that can take the time to teach/appreciate you. Do take advantage of the EAP.

[GQGomer]

OP,

You're bright and beautiful. THAT is why! They can't stand it. You're best trying to get along, but don't pander (that may come off as a weakness to the pirrhana types). Don't give out too much personal (aka ammo LOL) info either. Try to think like a man to a degree. You'll be a lot less bothered. Be assertive, but also let these things roll off. Keep your focus on your patients and career goals. Best.

[GHGoonette, BSN, RN]

Sigh. Well, I think the OP is long since gone, but I must confess that, with a few shining exceptions, she has not received much in the way of constructive advice.

If the OP is still out there, I sincerely hope that the EAP has helped you. Your description of your early childhood and later life brings two "templates" to mind; that of the "perennial victim" and that of the "abused woman."

The perennial victim is the hapless individual who always attracts bullies and muggers. The abused woman is one who has suffered so much violence in her life that she cannot visualize a life without it. Either of these personalities require professional help to enable them to function. I hope that EAP has helped you to address whichever one is lurking in your psyche. If not, see a private psychologist; if necessary, he/she will refer you to a psychiatrist, or possibly a behavioural therapist.

[enchantmentdis, BSN, RN]

Please consider hospice or home health nursing for case management--it will get you out of the hospital with all of those unpleasant people; you will be autonomous and will work alone most of the day. I've been where you are now and the best way to deal with it was a job change to a different type of nursing.

[royhanosn]

I agree with nurse ratchett! you have to develop a thick skin, dealing with the public and fellow nursing staff. Do you job! you will always get people that want to have a rookie for breakfast. Dominant will always want to belittle the weak. Its a built in feature of human nature. Get used to it.

Now get back to living! If you dont like working there, guess what, leave!

[nursedora]

Being "nitpicky" Hmmmm. Experience has taught me, yes, being nitpicky in nursing is a requirement. Good pt care is all about details. And being nitpicky is being detail oriented. And if my 20+ years of experience has afforded me the luxury of being able to get my pt assignment done and be able to sit down for a few minutes, then stop being a crybaby about it. Instead, take a lesson, and work more efficiently. How do you think us older ones got to this point? It doesn't matter if we've been with the same facility for that length of time, or if we recently changed and are the low one on the totem pole, our experience has taught us how to work efficiently. Yes, we have this experience, but 20 years ago, we didn't. We were once newbies too. Take a look at the Chrystaliss if a butterfly. What would happen if we helped the strugling new butterfly emerge from it's cucoon? In 20 years you young nurses who are complaining us older nurses aren't helping you will thank us for making you strong by not picking up your slack that you perceive as eating you up.