I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[royhanosn]

new american word for something bad..toxic! Bullying happens all the time in wards, it should not because your in front of the patient/client/customer. Which is bad manners to the bullier.

Perhaps confronting the bully head on, would embarrass them. They are looking for a fight, give them one, and embarrass them in front of the client.

it aint going away! so change jobs!

[MissBrahmsRN]

i am a firm believer that if we want this sort of behavior to stop in our profession, we have to lead the way. what is considered "normal" or acceptable behavior ie: nurses screaming at each other, verbal abuse, etc is simply grounds for immediate firing in nearly every other profession. i have been told by a colleague, "well the reason i was standing 5 feet from you having coffee chatting with a friend of mine cause i am down to 1 pt cause the others were transferred, while you were drowning under 2 admits from ER, one with 2 drips to start & titrate, the other with a fever of 39.4 & chest pain, and when you asked me nicely if i could help your 3rd pt to the bedside commode i said, "gosh you are so lazy, do it yourself!" and then proceeded to tell your buddy, "i don't think it's her fault she sucks so much." it was because i want you to learn to take criticism."

excuse me, but WTH?? so if you carry this logic to its conclusion it gets ridiculous! "i beat my children regularly so if they ever get beat up they will know how to handle it." "i badmouth my spouse constantly to his/her face so if they ever get someone who talks mean to them they will know how to take it." how does that help anyone?? see how dumb it gets?? I have been in professions where people have been FIRED, on the spot, for much much less. we nurses have to rise up & say, "NO, I WILL NOT BE TREATED THIS WAY!"

[healthstar, BSN, RN]

Miserable people want to make other people miserable. I think the best thing to do is to talk to those nurses who are bothing you and if they continue to act that way then go and talk to the supervisor. Just don't give up, they are not better than you. Nursing is such a broad field and it is not possible for a person to know it all. I am learning so many procedures in nursing school and when I go to my clinicals I see nurses that do not follow the correct procedure. I do tell my instructor because I want to know if it is okay. But I never tell the nurses oh that is wrong, this is wrong, I am simply learning from their good skills and their mistakes.

[annmarie899]

what do you do now, and is it a better environment?

[royhanosn]

good question..why have you been bullied all your life?

Bullies, similar to on the school ground, there is always a leader, you have to confront the leader!

what are you doing at work to be bullied?

In a high stress work area, you need to know what you are doing. Has the staffing been reduced to cut costs? Many of our front line people, aka nurses, are being cut because of costs! This will lead to stress, too many patients, not enough staff!

Or ask the bully, is there something I am doing that does not to your liking. Sometimes that shuts they up!

[johnnybravo8802]

good question..why have you been bullied all your life?

Bullies, similar to on the school ground, there is always a leader, you have to confront the leader!

what are you doing at work to be bullied?

In a high stress work area, you need to know what you are doing. Has the staffing been reduced to cut costs? Many of our front line people, aka nurses, are being cut because of costs! This will lead to stress, too many patients, not enough staff!

Or ask the bully, is there something I am doing that does not to your liking. Sometimes that shuts they up!

Or how about saying, "Just fu#@ off!!!!" They'll get the message quickly with that statement. That's what I finally started doing and I started acting like an independent contractor to separate myself(My patients, my business)-It's not like you get any help anyway. That's why I eventually started running my own business-No bosses(Oh yea, I am the boss), nobody dumping on you or stabbing you in the back, no management(Oh yea, I am management), etc. I know my job, go do it, send them the bill.......no BS!!!!!!!!!!!:yeah::yeah:Works for me.

[whodatnurse]

Or how about saying, "Just fu#@ off!!!!" They'll get the message quickly with that statement. That's what I finally started doing and I started acting like an independent contractor to separate myself(My patients, my business)-It's not like you get any help anyway. That's why I eventually started running my own business-No bosses(Oh yea, I am the boss), nobody dumping on you or stabbing you in the back, no management(Oh yea, I am management), etc. I know my job, go do it, send them the bill.......no BS!!!!!!!!!!!:yeah::yeah:Works for me.

Kudos on having found success with the "run it like my own little business" thinking. While I do think there comes a time and a place to tell someone to @#^* off...I wouldn't encourage anyone to do so in the workplace. That sort of thing has huge potential to come back and bite you in the butt. Yes...stand up to workplace bullies...but be civil about it.

[johnnybravo8802]

Kudos on having found success with the "run it like my own little business" thinking. While I do think there comes a time and a place to tell someone to @#^* off...I wouldn't encourage anyone to do so in the workplace. That sort of thing has huge potential to come back and bite you in the butt. Yes...stand up to workplace bullies...but be civil about it.

I really never used those exact words but my demeanor and what I did say sort of spelled it out for them. I've always been civilized about things but was also bullied for a long time before I grew a set and started sticking up for myself-I was a lot more tactful than the people doing the bullying, I can tell you that. The only thing that helped me was experience and knowledge. I found that "knowledge really is power." Until you show your co-workers that you really know what you're doing, they're going to ride you like there's no tomorrow. Until then, you don't have enough knowledge to know how to stand up for yourself. It's sad but true. I went through a lot of this in several hospitals and I'm glad I'm out. I'm a 235# man's man and if they can push me around, they can push anyone. I don't care how big your nads are, you can't fight an entire ward of 20 women who have been working together for 10 years and they are all friends(Supervisor included) and you're the new guy. You'll never win. You either have to figure out something quick or leave and keep searching until you find the right place. Just my experience, nothing more.

[royhanosn]

agreed, do not reduce yourself to THEIR level!

Telling the bully to FO, will do nothing!

Run your patients like running your own business is an EXCELLENT idea!

Ignore the bully may work. If you know you are doing a good job, and the boss is compliment to your

work, then what the bully is saying to you is non consequential!

All work areas have bullies, whether is whats they are saying or doing.

If they are sabitoging your work, then yes, take it to the super.

I am sure the super is well aware as to what is going on, BUT if they not aware, tell them.

BUT approach it in a low key, civilized, business manner. Document the occasions,

Is the bully woman harrassing others?

[happy2learn]

good question..why have you been bullied all your life?

what are you doing at work to be bullied?

I don't understand these question. Are you saying that people do things to be bullied, that essentially it is their fault? I was bullied in elementary school because I was the only white girl in an all black school. I didn't talk to anyone, they just started bullying me. I was bullied through most of my life because I had horrible teeth. I was always picked on. I never did anything to start anything. I did just the opposite, stayed away for fear of being bullied. Then I paid $10K to fix my teeth so that problem went away.

To the OP, they are bullying you because you let them and they can see that they are destroying you. If it is bothering you this much, it will be written all over your face. They enjoy it. It only feeds their desire to bully you.

Miserable people love to destroy happy people. They do this because they hate themselves inside and they don't like to see other people enjoying life.

You should get some counseling to boost your confidence. I wouldn't even talk to these people and I wouldn't let what they say bother you. Why is it that what they think about you so important? Just ignore them. That will of course make them even more mad and they will come at you harder, but eventually, if they aren't getting the pleasure of destroying you they will leave you alone. Walk away from situations where you think you will be bullied and ignore every little thing from their mouth. When they talk, redirect them to the important matter... the patient.

I personally say a little prayer for people every time they say some crap about me. I pray for them because I know deep inside they have emotional issues and their way of dealing with it is by trying to destroy people around them.

I just don't care if everyone doesn't like me. Most people do because I am nice, but for those who don't, I don't care... it's their loss. I don't need people to like me. I love myself and the people I care about most love me, so that's all that matters to me.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

ok, the crap that squirrelrn71 said, forget it, ignore this post.

it doesn't matter what some 20+ year rn did 18years, 3 months ago. they need to pull thier own weight, i don't care if they pulled 6 months of back to back double shifts.

any veteran nurse pulls this line of horsecrap on you, put in the same category as being a bully.

tell them their past 20 years means jack and squat when it comes to them sitting back and relaxing at work. it's crap attitudes like this that make the term "nurses eat heir young".

it's true, and mysteriosuly enough, female black widow and female praying mantis are known for eating mates after mating.

veteran nurses tend to be the same when it comes to nursing.

do not let them get away with treating you like this.

stand up and fight, speak up. be proud of your gpa, anyone who tells you it doesn't matter is jealous. it doesn't make you a better nurse, or get you a job quicker, but it is an accomplishment, and is great for your self esteem.

i suspect the the nurse who has twenty years of experience is pulling her weight -- she's just better organized and has a better grasp of time management with experience. so she has more time to sit down. now she could spend all of that free time doing the newbie's work for her, but then the newbie doesn't learn time management or organization.

more vacation time, having first choice of vacation slots and holidays off -- that comes with seniority. those of us who have been nurses for decades but have changed jobs recently don't have that seniority any more than the new grad does. usually, however, you don't see us whining and carrying on about how we just have to have every weekend in june off because all of our friends are getting married, and we have to have thanksgiving and labor day because that's when the whole family gets together and we must have christmas so they can see the little ones opening their gifts and of course new year's eve is when all the parties are so we have to have that off, too. we understand that if we choose to work in hospital nursing weekends, nights and holidays must be covered and that if we've chosen to change jobs, our seniority just went out the window.

nurses don't eat their young. some experienced nurses have difficulty getting along with anybody -- so do some experienced lawyers, accountants, contractors and consultants. some experienced nurses don't like orienting newbies. same with some physicians, professional golfers, pole dancers and photographers. and some new nurses just cannot get along with their peers -- that's why we see the phrase "nurses eat their young" with such astonishing regularity these days.

this "anyone who tells you this doesn't matter is just jealous" business is the bull excrement that you've attributed to the experienced nurses. i can tell you without hesitation that i don't give a rip about your 4.0 gpa. i have one of my own -- from graduate school. i also have a solid b or c average for my bsn -- probably because i was working three jobs at a time to support myself and pay for school. gpa means very little once you've worn your cute little honor cord through your graduation ceremony. no one cares how good a test taker you were in school; we care how quickly (if at all) you learn to titrate a drip, clean a behind, change a dressing or pass your meds. unfortunately, gpa is not a good predictor of common sense, compassion or honor.

someone who has been bullied all her life has a problem that we can't fix with advice on the internet. i doubt very much that the problem is that everyone she's encountered in her life is a bully. the common denominator in all of those situations is herself. i urge her to get counseling to help her out with that.

[royhanosn]

bingo! that takes a lot of guts at the high school age. in that age, being a white boy/girl in a black school! talk about the 60;s.

I think we have discussed this enough! time to hand the cross to someone else1