I've been bullied all my life, and it continues...

[asdjkl]

if anyone has any kind words or practical, constructive advice to give - i'd be very grateful.

i am being eaten ALIVE at work right now.

yes, i have worked in various professions over many years and experienced a bit of cattiness here or there, but NOTHING, NOTHING even CLOSE to what i have experienced in just a few months of being a nurse!

i am an extremely smart person - i graduated nursing school with a 4.0. i killed myself to get that grade! however, i do not act like a know-it-all whatsoever. the nursing field i am in, is far removed from anything we really learned about in nursing school anyway -- so this is all really new for me and i know there is a LOT i need to learn, especially in terms of hands-on skills with equipment and such.

i am very, very humble --- i ask questions politely, i try to help out my coworkers whenever i can, i am eager to learn, i am friendly, i work EXTREMELY hard, i try to do everything perfectly. i give the best possible patient care i can give, i try to fit in, i am on committees, i have even volunteered for overtime a few times to help out the unit, or made schedule changes to help other people out. whenever anyone helps me, i thank them profusely.

basically, i bend over backwards each and every day to be a hardworking, pleasant coworker that anyone should be happy to work with. all i want in life, is to do a good job, get along pleasantly with everyone, and go home to my family in peace.

but some of the nurses i work with are just tearing me to shreds. some days, it seems like MOST of them are.

i am all for constructive criticism and tips, etc. --- i am willing and eager to take it, and will thank them for it ---

but what i can NOT stand any longer are the nasty individuals who think it is appropriate to ^)(* all over me day in and day out. some mornings (i work 12 hour nights, i am married with a young child, i am exhausted all the time) -- it is like i am bracing for impact when the nasty day nurse comes in and snaps at me 'you did this wrong, this wrong, this wrong, you should have done it this way and that way..."

the difficult thing is, there are maybe 100 nurses on my unit -- and all 100 of them have different opinions on what is the "proper" way to do things. as a new nurse, i am trying to learn from them -- but it is very difficult when i have busted my behind all night to try to do things perfectly the way my preceptor or some other nurses taught me --- only to have some OTHER nurse come on in the morning and nelly nitpick me to death over usually very insignificant things because SHEEEE does it a little differently.

it doesn't help that policies / protocols are often ambiguous or hard to find at a moment's notice and people all have their own ways of doing things --- i have even had other nurses tell me point blank that management protocols are 'wrong' and they 'never do it that way' and that i shouldn't, either!

even if i have done something wrong (never anything major), okay, fine, i accept that and i'm MORE than willing to learn --- but snapping my head off and treating me like garbage, embarassing me in front of patient family members or other staff, is just not appropriate.

i am not stupid! i am not a bad person! i am not a lazy person! i am the exact opposite of all those things! i am a human being! i am just a new nurse, and it would be nice if they could offer tips or correct me without talking down to me and treating me like scum.

there are many scenarios or procedures or even paperwork that, as a new person, i have simply never encountered before ... it would be nice if they didn't treat me like an idiot for not magically knowing everything.

i don't want to be off topic, but frankly it seems to be a big downfall for me in this case -- that i AM a very attractive person. i'm not super young, i'm in my 30s, but even though i usually try to be very plain and subdued (hair in a bun, with just some light lipstick and mascara, conservative and plain scrubs) -- i am a pretty girl, and people notice me. it is sad to say that, being in a field with women, a lot of them seem to be nasty and insecure enough to ONLY judge me based upon my looks, and they seem to treat me even WORSE because i am a younger, attractive woman.

they give the other new nurses a hard time, but i swear they are harder on me than anyone else. and heaven forbid i try to look extra nice --- it is like i am putting myself out there to be torn up and attacked without mercy. the other day i had the audacity to wear my hair down (many nurses do) and wear some different lipstick -- and EVERYONE had a comment about it, and one nurse seemed to make it her JOB for the night to make catty remarks, basically make fun of me as much as possible. then she and her friends would laugh really loudly and then whisper among each other and loudly make cryptic private jokes all night, within my hearing, so i'm pretty sure it was about me. they were also HORRIBLY tearing up another new staff member behind her back, i heard it all.

i wanted to crawl into a hole. that one nasty nurse even snidely told me to my face, that they make comments about my lipstick behind my back. i seriously don't understand it, because it's no different than any lipstick that any other people wear in the unit! FYI, the woman who was attacking me is older, sort of "manly" and doesn't wear a drop of makeup, and she is FAMOUS for being ridiculously blunt and rude.

they were also basically making fun of me because when i was younger, i worked in a salon. which is funny, because most of these women will pay tons of money to get their hair or nails done, they spend their time looking at fashion magazines ... but they will make fun of me and ostracize me because apparently they think i'm "lower" than them because i used to work in a salon?!?!?!?!? i try to joke back and play it off like it doesn't bother me, but it does.

even the younger nurses kind of leave me out ... most of them are a bit younger than me, and not married, or don't have children. they tend to be a bit more friendly and helpful (and there ARE some older nurses that are friendly and helpful as well) ---- but they often leave me out of conversations or just make it plain that i'm an "outsider" -- no matter how i try to join in. seriously, with young and old nurses alike --- there have been times when i've tried so hard to be friendly and join in the conversation, be polite and compliment them, say nice things to them ---- and they will flat out ignore me, not answer a question, act like they didn't even hear me, etc. like they can't give me the time of day!

i am just at the end of my rope sometimes.

i cry almost every day, i don't enjoy my days off at all because i am so stressed out,

i cry at work more than i care to admit,

i'm starting to hate nursing (i like the NURSING itself ... i just am starting to hate some of the coworkers, really)

and i'm starting to desperately plan ways i can get away from bedside nursing as soon as possible.

i know i should toughen up, try to let it slide off, ignore it, or whatever, but it's very hard.

being there is torture, i feel like i have to "hide" from some of the nasty nurses, just to avoid being torn up!

i had a very hard life growing up, i have been abused in every way possible and i suffer from extremely low self-esteem, depression, my panic attacks are now back again because of this ... i have PTSD from being abused in the past, etc. i am not very good about standing up for myself ... i will usually cry, but i'm afraid that if i try to stand up for myself i will flip out on someone, and that's also not acceptable. i don't think it would do any good really to tell management ... as we all know, management at ANY job basically doesn't care about cattiness or nasty behavior as long as people are doing their jobs ...

i just don't know what to do. i try to mind my own business and just be friendly, do my job ... but it just feels like everyone is out to get me.

the other day i had an admission, a patient with a usually lethal condition that i had never encountered before. no one expected this patient to even survive to get to our unit! well, we had just had 2 or 3 admissions right before this, and it was care time, so most of my coworkers were pretty much busy. i could have used some help, but i thought i was doing a good job, considering my lack of help and experience. well of course, after my one coworker basically lollygagged around and COULD have given me some suggestions (she was right there, we work on an open unit, she was right next to me) --- she waited until right before change of shift, reamed me out for not doing this or that (okay, i understand --- but do you have to snap at me?! and couldn't you have suggested that much earlier when you were sitting around watching me?!?!?!) and then watched as the day nurse came on and reamed me up one side and down the other.

it's bad enough i have this nonsense, but then i have problems with harassment at home by abusive family members ... and problems with my husband complaining about me being tired and stressed out ... my kid not being happy because i am tired and stressed out ... financial problems ... you name it.

i am just feeling stressed out, panicy, feeling like a failure all around.

i don't know how i will get through this.

i have always been a fighter and survived more things than people can even imagine.

seriously, when people find out the life i grew up with --- they are absolutely amazed i have come so far in life.

i am a good, kind, strong person inside.

i just wish my coworkers would see that and show me a little kindness and consideration.

[LibraNurse1974]

ok, the crap that squirrelrn71 said, forget it, ignore this post.

it doesn't matter what some 20+ year rn did 18years, 3 months ago. they need to pull thier own weight, i don't care if they pulled 6 months of back to back double shifts.

any veteran nurse pulls this line of horsecrap on you, put in the same category as being a bully.

tell them their past 20 years means jack and squat when it comes to them sitting back and relaxing at work. it's crap attitudes like this that make the term "nurses eat heir young".

it's true, and mysteriosuly enough, female black widow and female praying mantis are known for eating mates after mating.

veteran nurses tend to be the same when it comes to nursing.

do not let them get away with treating you like this.

stand up and fight, speak up. be proud of your gpa, anyone who tells you it doesn't matter is jealous. it doesn't make you a better nurse, or get you a job quicker, but it is an accomplishment, and is great for your self esteem.

[NZ_RN]

Hi,

I feel your pain. I was warned against going into Nursing by a family member who had been a Nurse for many years and I stubbornly refused to listen to her. Now, 5 years later, I feel like I have nearly completely broken down more than once and am currently seeing a therapist to assist me with the challenges of being a Nurse and feeling completely demoralised on a regular basis. A friend who is a Nurse was telling me when someone asked her what she did for a living, and she said Nursing, they said "Oh, that's nice!" She was like, "No, it's s***". I don't know what your situation is but I would encourage you to get out now. I expect that the reason the staff you work with are the way they are is that they have been in the profession so long, and having experienced the demoralisation and degradation of which I am describing, have become miserable, trapped in the profession, and have become perpetrators of the very behaviour that has affected them.

Of course, some would say that that is being negative. But I call it being realistic.

Good luck, and I truly wish you all the best!

[azmimi]

As I read your post, I was reflecting on my 45 year career, remembering a time I had a 3rd shift job on a unit that had a nurse ringleader that just rode me mercilessly behaving much as you described. After trying hard, I simply went to the nursing office at the end of my shift and handed in my badge stating "I will never again step foot on that floor as a nurse!" The answer I got was, "Wait, wait, not so fast...." "After talking with staffing I find out that I wasn't the first to complain and that staffing was going to refuse to send them help if they didn't "change their ways."

Look, the reason I am telling my story is that perhaps they are wrong, or maybe you are defensive. We all know that we can't just quit a job as I was ready to do because of frustration or anger, but it does pay to talk with a trusted person either your boss, or someone in the staffing office, as I did all of those years ago....

I agree with the advice to seek some help with the employee assistance--it is free as a previous poster stated. But more realistically, we as nurses need to realize that not all jobs are a perfect fit for us. Don't stay in a job that is draining you emotionally and physically and making you cry all of the time--that's not good for you, dear. We all have had shifts that made us think, "I am not cut out for this..." But after a day off or a good night's rest we are at it again and then when a patient thanks you or makes you feel like you have made a difference to them, it all is worth it. For me nursing is all about our patients.

You have received some heart-felt advice here, and I agree that the practice manual of the hospital should be your ultimate reference--it should be your "buddy." Sure, you might have to ask for help in the interest of time when something is pressing, but then review, review so that in all instances you are following the manual.:redpinkhe

[FLOBRN]

Honey, this is what is called a "hostile workplace" aka bullying and intimidation. Have you gone to your manager about this? One way I approached it was to post articles about this. I did a Journal Club review of 2 articles at mandatory staff meetings.

You normally find these articles under 'nurses eating their young'. However, I recently found one called "insidious Intimidation: The Underestimated Threat to Patient Safety. This is also a webinar. Insidious Intimidation: The Underestimated Threat to Patient Safety - June 16th ASHRM webinar.

"JCAHO" is very involved in this sort of thing and has a sentinel event alert about it..... Issue 40, July 9, 2008

Behaviors that undermine a culture of safety. Issue 40: Behaviors that undermine a culture of safety | Joint Commission

Ignoring P&P because you don't agree with it is dangerous and grounds for discipline where I work. If you have the documentation, give it to your manager. It will be tough but it can be done. Get your union involved if you have one.

You can also access EAP where you work. Have you considered moving to a smaller unit/hospital? That will help as you will not have sooo many people to deal with.

Keep in touch.

[gardengal1, ASN, RN]

Most all the advice given is appropriate. And, you need to realize that when you go in to a unit where the nurses have been there forever, it is their territory and they are VERY territorial. They have never tried anything else and are stuck in a rut and don't have the guts to try a different unit. If it gets too unbearable, ask for a transfer to another unit rather than leaving the hospital all together. These people will never change, every hospital has them. My family moves around a lot and I have been the newbie on the block more times than I can remember and there is always several nurses like that and ones in specialized fields like ICU, CCU, etc. are worse than most.

Get some counseling because of your background, and all of this may be slight over-reaction to their comments and internalizing their sarcasm rather than letting it roll off your back which you will have to learn to do if you are going to survive. And lastly, chronic sleep deprivation makes you much more sensitive to what others say and do. With very little sleep or quality sleep, I can cry at almost anything (but, I never let them see me cry at work!). Lack of sleep affects your attitude, your mood and your ability to cope.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now but with a few changes (counseling, speaking up, visiting with your manager, quality sleep) you may be better able to cope with this work environment. We are all pulling for you.

[chellepnp2007]

Well sweetie, i wish you worked with me, I would be really nice to you. This story reminds me a bit of my own story when I started as a new, young, pretty RN 16 years ago. There is the old saying that "nurses eat their young". Unfortunately, some nurses really are like this. They too have low self esteems and it makes them feel better or smarter to put you down somehow so that they feel smarter. It is wrong and you are not expected to know everything right out of school. Cling to the nice nurses with some experience and learn everything you can from them. Ignore the mean ones whenever possible. Kill them with kindness and act like you are tougher than nails. I had to really get thicker skin and grow a backbone myslef before I could interact with these nurses. Keep it business only with the mean ones. Do not try to make idle chatter with them. In addition to the counseling mentioned by the others who responded, you might consider transfering units or hospitals if that is an option for you. I was really much happier myself when I finally got out of the poison enviroment. I know exactly how you feel, really. E mail or message me any time. You are going to be an awesome nurse. Do not leave nursing just because you are starting out with a few bad apples. Most of us are not like that! God bless you!

[annmarie899]

Hi there,

I hope things have sorted out, but I read some great posts in response to your cry for help. I have been a nurse > 25 years, and was much like you - quiet and naive - and a target for bullies. I have a kind face, and even in my late 50's, I'm told by my husband I smile too much ( can you imagine) and this makes me a target for bullies.

I became a NP in 1997, and since then still encounter bullies on the job and in school. And there have been some horribly brutal ones. There was a social worker who literally made fun of me in front of all the staff every day, and actually called me names. I was too afraid to do anything, because she had been there forever, and was in 'tight' with the Director, and I was the new kid on the block. So I tried harder and harder to perform well, and in the end - I was still the loser. Bullies sometimes win if you let them. They like to see you cry, they win by hurting your feelings. They are sociopaths. I should mention that I am now a doctoral nursing student, and one of my first instructors was a definate sociopath ! As a previous straight A student, she somehow was able to almost fail me, and I was placed on probabtion. Why? I have no idea.

In our psychology class we had to read a book titled "The Sociopath Next Door" - if you can find it, read it. It explains alot. It is written by a psychologist who counseled people at Harvard for 25 years, and she states at least 1 in 25 people are sociopaths - not murderers - although there are those out there in society as well - but people who literally do not have feelings or a conscience towards other people. Your strength is in spotting whose these people are - and either avoiding them or outwitting them in their devious strategies.

Don't fall into their games; their power and delight is in making you feel bad. Don't remain silent - but you have to have people on your side. This does not always mean HR, but EAP is a great resource to just talk things out, but if there is a nasty person in your midst, chances are you are not the only person being targeted.

I was just in a similar situation, unfortunately, with another nurse ( why do we continue to eat each other up??)

When I realized she was a sociopath, I began to avoid her, and developed relationships with other people in the dept, but alas, after several years, her jealously of my achievements and good relationships ( as well as the income I was bringing in from research) got the best of her, and I was laid off. I was blindsided - escorted out of the building, not allowed to come back and get my things until after hours, ( not allowing me to say goodbye to my coworkers whom I had a good relationship with) and I had to stand by while she joyfully tossed my things in boxes for me the evening I came back to get my things out of my office.

PTSD? you bet. Nightmares for months. Fast forward 4 months. I receive a call from the doctor I was close to - this nurse was 'booted' out of the dept for being so toxic. she had a 'master of the universe' psychoses and started bossing all the docs around. I was always honest about things she had done to me, and forwarded her abusive emails to others in the dept. They finally caught up with her.

I'm still without a job, but I have great references, and am in school, and right now enjoying my time off.

The take home message: I don't think things will ever really change, but some places are going to be more toxic than others. Don't stay quiet and think things will get better on there own - they don't . Develop supportive and mentoring relationships with physicians as well as the support staff. And don't ever become someone's doormat just to keep a job - when I stopped running errands for this nurse ( like running up to the 9th floor parking garage to get something she forgot) I suddenly got placed on her ____ list.

take care, and be strong,

annmarie

[ok2bme]

I was in a similar situation a few months ago..I told those bitties to "f... off." I got fired. If I could do it all over again..I would have also given them the bird lol.

I now work in an awesome work environment. They are out there. Fortunately, I think that the experiences you and I initially had are the minority.

I would recommend talking to your fellow nurses and telling them how you feel. If they aren't receptive, I'd go to the charge and manager. If the situation didn't change after that, I would quit.

As some other people said..I'm concerned that you may have a "victim mentality." I say this without the intention of invalidating your feelings.

PTSD is interesting. It is counter-intuitive..but it actually lowers your distress tolerance; those with PTSD often inadvertently catastrophize situations. I would suggest reflecting and journaling on your situation and feelings to see if this may be the case with you.

Just wanted to add that I find "See the best in people, it may surprise you" to be very generic sugary-sweet advice that does not apply to toxic people and toxic situations, such as the one described by the OP.

If you are still awake after reading this lol..I wish you the best and hope your situation turns around. :hug:

[PineappleCrush]

I am currently a nursing student and somewhat petrified that when I get out I'll experience a workplace like this. So, needless to say, I don't have much in the way of suggestions/tips further than what I'm sure everyone else has been giving.

I just wanted to give you a hug! :hug: Hang in there! I would totally befriend you if we worked together. Workplace nastiness like that is completely uncalled for, especially in a workplace that can be challenging to begin with (sick and uncooperative patients, rude family members, etc. etc.).

So again, hugs!! :hug:

Hang in there!

[cehhw]

Leave that job. I've worked with like nurses. Just remove yourself from that poisonous environment asap. They won't change & you don't go to work to fight! I've had wonderful nursing jobs, with great caring, helpful, compassionate & fun staff. Those jobs are out there, find one. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO STAY WHERE PEOPLE BRING YOU TO TEARS!!!!

[annmarie899]

It's so good to see all the stories, even better to know that many have worked in good environments. It made me realize the times I have worked in really good supportive units - I worked in a small suburban hospital in telemetry, and most of the nurses were older, and they were just wonderful to me. They were kind, supportive, patient, and teaching oriented. I loved working there. I remember so well thinking that they were my models - that I wanted to be like them. And even today, when I have a student or research assistant, I still try to emulate their behaviors.

So I wonder - why do some work places become so toxic, and others supportive? Is it the one bad apple effect that ruins the entire barrel? Should nursing schools be teaching nurses how to mentor each other? Are nursing faculty the problem and should they be the solution? I have had the range of nursing instructors from Attila the Hun, to the most wonderful teacher.

I know from experience that women as a gender can be the most supportive and caring of people to others and to each other - and yet as nurses and co-workers, we still hear and I have personally experienced these horror stories. What happens? Do we become competitive?

I don't think the literature has really come up with any answers but it would be great to see if anyone has any ideas. . .

annmarie

[johnnybravo8802]

It's so good to see all the stories, even better to know that many have worked in good environments. It made me realize the times I have worked in really good supportive units - I worked in a small suburban hospital in telemetry, and most of the nurses were older, and they were just wonderful to me. They were kind, supportive, patient, and teaching oriented. I loved working there. I remember so well thinking that they were my models - that I wanted to be like them. And even today, when I have a student or research assistant, I still try to emulate their behaviors.

So I wonder - why do some work places become so toxic, and others supportive? Is it the one bad apple effect that ruins the entire barrel? Should nursing schools be teaching nurses how to mentor each other? Are nursing faculty the problem and should they be the solution? I have had the range of nursing instructors from Attila the Hun, to the most wonderful teacher.

I know from experience that women as a gender can be the most supportive and caring of people to others and to each other - and yet as nurses and co-workers, we still hear and I have personally experienced these horror stories. What happens? Do we become competitive?

I don't think the literature has really come up with any answers but it would be great to see if anyone has any ideas. . .

annmarie

The sad part is that I've been a nurse for 16 yrs., worked in at least 6 different hospitals, and only had a good experience at one of the 6 hospitals.:down:The hospital I had the positive experience wasn't even in Ga., it was in S.C. There is something about the hospitals in Ga. that's unsettling. I'm not saying that all hospitals in Ga. are bad but considering I've been in several over a large span of years, isn't saying much about the system down here. The worst part is that it was wide spread over the entire hospital(s):lazy nurses/techs, lazy ancillary services, management ready to fire you for sneezing, back stabbing co-workers, rude docs, money hungry hospitals working you in the ground and being unappreciative, etc, etc. The back stabbing co-workers were the worst!!!!!!!!:mad: It's really sad to know I got out of the profession after 16 years and 6 years of college because I couldn't find one good hospital to work for in Ga. I still fume at the thought to this day-I was a good nurse who had worked hard to get where I was and I just gave up. I figured that, if I couldn't find a good hospital after that many years, it was time to find another profession.The kicker is, I see co-workers from my old hospital(Last one) all the time and each one has a horror story to tell me. According to them, it is far worse than when I left-That's sad!!!!!