I'm sorry you suffered like you did, but I'm thankful that you are at peace.
I'm sorry that I could not make you well, but I'm thankful that I made you FEEL better.
I'm sorry that you were alone when you breathed your last, but I'm thankful that my last act before you did was to smile at you and hold your hand for a few minutes.
I'm sorry that we shoved tubes down you, broke your ribs, and inflicted shock after shock on you. We were trying so hard to save you. I'm thankful that you could not feel it.
I'm sorry that you were subjected to being laid bare in a room full of strangers, but I'm thankful that you didn't know about it.
I'm sorry that I didn't go with my gut and insist that we drop a tube in you, get labs, or all the other things that I was dying to do but did not have the authority to do. I'm thankful that your doc consoled me with telling me that nothing I could have done by the time I got your case would have saved you. I'll be even more thankful when I stop feeling like I killed you.
I'm so very sorry that you weren't able to be saved, but I'm thankful that I got to know you before you were gone.
I have beat myself up over this case for 5 days straight. I have never before taken a look at a patient and immediately told the attending nurse that we needed to park the code cart next to the room. I don't know what made me do it this time. Call it a gut instinct. What I do know is that when the tones went off, no one had to tell me where to head.
Anyone else ever have a case that sticks with you like this? I haven't lost a patient in years, and I feel terrible. My head tells me that it was a Hail Mary by the time we were ever called on the case, my heart can't get past the fact that I was TALKING to this person not 30 minutes before I was bouncing on their chest.
I hate this. Does anyone else have aftermath after a code like this?
Wow your post made me cry. Pobally because yesterday we lost one of my favorite residents in LTC. I am glad he is gone as he is no longer suffering.
"I'm sorry you suffered like you did, but I'm thankful that you are at peace.
I'm sorry that I could not make you well, but I'm thankful that I made you FEEL better."
Those thoughts sum it up perfectly for me!
The hardest part for me was watching him a few hours before he died with a panicked look on his face clenching my hand with both of his hands with every bit of strength he could muster, terrified that he could not catch his breath.
I was okay until I helped his daughter pack up his belongings and she was telling me stories about him. When she started crying I had a hard time not crying myself!
I can say that I will miss him but I am also glad he is gone and not suffering!
I have cried with many family members over the years-it shows that you are human.
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
To the one we lost last week:
Dear Patient:
I'm sorry you suffered like you did, but I'm thankful that you are at peace.
I'm sorry that I could not make you well, but I'm thankful that I made you FEEL better.
I'm sorry that you were alone when you breathed your last, but I'm thankful that my last act before you did was to smile at you and hold your hand for a few minutes.
I'm sorry that we shoved tubes down you, broke your ribs, and inflicted shock after shock on you. We were trying so hard to save you. I'm thankful that you could not feel it.
I'm sorry that you were subjected to being laid bare in a room full of strangers, but I'm thankful that you didn't know about it.
I'm sorry that I didn't go with my gut and insist that we drop a tube in you, get labs, or all the other things that I was dying to do but did not have the authority to do. I'm thankful that your doc consoled me with telling me that nothing I could have done by the time I got your case would have saved you. I'll be even more thankful when I stop feeling like I killed you.
I'm so very sorry that you weren't able to be saved, but I'm thankful that I got to know you before you were gone.
I have beat myself up over this case for 5 days straight. I have never before taken a look at a patient and immediately told the attending nurse that we needed to park the code cart next to the room. I don't know what made me do it this time. Call it a gut instinct. What I do know is that when the tones went off, no one had to tell me where to head.
Anyone else ever have a case that sticks with you like this? I haven't lost a patient in years, and I feel terrible. My head tells me that it was a Hail Mary by the time we were ever called on the case, my heart can't get past the fact that I was TALKING to this person not 30 minutes before I was bouncing on their chest.
I hate this. Does anyone else have aftermath after a code like this?
YES.......and I've always believed that the day I don't feel something for the suffering and dying patient, is the day I ought to hang up my stethoscope for good.
It doesn't mean beating myself up after every single death (I'm in LTC and lose residents on a semi-regular basis), but I ALWAYS want to make sure I've done everything I could. Most times, I can say I did, and let it go. But every nurse has times when we're haunted by "coulda/shoulda/woulda"; even though we know in our minds that we have indeed done all we could for a given patient, we need someone to explain it to our hearts.
You have shown some keen insight here, as well as an incredible degree of compassion. You'll be fine as long as you are gentle with yourself. Your patients are fortunate indeed to have you care for them!:heartbeat
Patient survived this time. There will be other attempts and other patients, but this was a first for me. I've had patients die on me in many ways, not all of them expected, but this was my first hanging. It was awful.
Angelfire, I hope you are feeling better. I might get my Christmas tree up today.
Yes, Virgo, my doc has been great, he says I'll toughen up with time. He also says that the fact that I am still going over it speaks to my skills and my character, whatever that means.
It means you have a heart. It means you strive to be the best you can be. It means you take life's lessons and learn from them.
Very heartwarming to read your post. If it was my family member or myself, I would have wanted you on my side. Also going with your "gut" says alot about you as a nurse. To be honest, I would rather work with a "gut" nurse anyday over one who has only thier "book smarts". Keep it as a lesson and always go with your "gut" feeling as I bet you 10-1 it will generally be right! Dont be so hard on yourself as you showed compassion, caring and diligence. I'm sure your patient knew whether we think he/she did or not that you did all you could.
Specializes in Med/Surge, Psych, LTC, Home Health.
Patient survived this time. There will be other attempts and other patients, but this was a first for me. I've had patients die on me in many ways, not all of them expected, but this was my first hanging. It was awful.
Angelfire, I hope you are feeling better. I might get my Christmas tree up today.
Hey... I'm sorry you went through what you went through. I work psych, and work around quite a few adolescents. I've never walked in on one trying to hang themselves, but since I've worked in this particular job (only nine months), there have been at least two or three attempts. I'm not looking forward to the day when it's my turn to walk in on someone hanging on the doorknob of their bathroom....
Specializes in med-surg, psych, ER, school nurse-CRNP.
By the time I was consulted on the case, we were already to the point of the "code cart parking". I walked in, took one look, and told the nurse that I thought we should do that. She and I agreed that the info we had and the clinical picture did not match. There was no way that info could have been still true with what was going on.
But I hate, hate, HATE knowing in my gut that someone's going to crump on me, and at the same time knowing full well that nothing I do is going to stop it.
Hey... I'm sorry you went through what you went through. I work psych, and work around quite a few adolescents. I've never walked in on one trying to hang themselves, but since I've worked in this particular job (only nine months), there have been at least two or three attempts. I'm not looking forward to the day when it's my turn to walk in on someone hanging on the doorknob of their bathroom....
Anyway, *HUG* to you, and to AngelfireRN...
With what? I understand that people can be very resourceful especially when they are determined. But with what are they attempting these hangings? I think that should be looked into too.
I pray that you may not have to walk into that- I cannot begin to imagine how that would be.
Otessa, BSN, RN
1,601 Posts
I have cried with many family members over the years-it shows that you are human.
otessa