I'm Sorry, But I'm Thankful

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

I've never been to a code because I work in LTC but I lose residents a lot. And they all stick with me, but I am never sad that their struggle is over.

{{{Angelfire}}}

Tweety, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

Sometimes all the heroics and medicine in the world won't save everyone. This patient is lucky to have had you as a nurse.

csadam · Dec 21, 2009

:loveya: :nurse:

You did everything you could for this person.

When it's time we all go, and not a minute before.

I had a dying pt for the last 3 days, somebody who hasn't ''been there'' for years, and keep getting pneumonia. Finally the family agreed it was time to let her go. We made her comfort care.

I realize that is totally different, but still makes me feel bad, mostly for the family though.

She was as comfortable and peaceful as possible when I left.

Morning-glory · Dec 21, 2009

Angelfire,

First a hug.

A few days ago, I saw my first real suicide attempt by hanging. I have seen some other pretty horrific things in my 12 years as a nurse, but never this. I am having trouble shaking it. Patient had had a couple attempts in the past, but not this bad.

The job we do can sometimes be very hard. This time of year makes it even harder.

Could we have done more? Perhaps. Would have changed anything? Probably not.

They are in a hospital because they are ill. We are going to lose a few, and nothing will keep everyone alive forever.

It doesn't mean that we won't carry it around for a while or that we will forget. It is a part of life and it is seen more often in hospitals because that is where the sickest of the sick wind up.

There are dozens of reasons why it could have been your fault, but there are hundreds if not thousands of reasons that it wasn't.

Be kind to yourself. You did what you could in the time that you had.

dragonflydani · Dec 21, 2009

Angelfire,

My advice would be that you don't forget. I sometimes think that nurses become so immune to their gut instincts that sometimes they loose that ability to HAVE those things stick with them. The fact that it's sticking with you because you had some gut instinct that you think you could have done something differently just proves that you are human, and a very very good nurse.

So let it stick with you for a while. Realize that there is a difference between REMEMBERING and feeling GUILTY about it. The former is productive, the latter is not.

You did your job. You did everything that was expected of you and you did it well. I have been present in some not so graceful deaths, and I would like to think I understand how you feel. I know that it's not easy to get over. I know it's easy to focus on what you could have done differently and beat yourself up. But the truth of the matter is experiences like this make you a better, stronger nurse.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

RedhairedNurse, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

Angelfire,
First a hug.
A few days ago, I saw my first real suicide attempt by hanging. I have seen some other pretty horrific things in my 12 years as a nurse, but never this. I am having trouble shaking it. Patient had had a couple attempts in the past, but not this bad.
The job we do can sometimes be very hard. This time of year makes it even harder.
Could we have done more? Perhaps. Would have changed anything? Probably not.
They are in a hospital because they are ill. We are going to lose a few, and nothing will keep everyone alive forever.
It doesn't mean that we won't carry it around for a while or that we will forget. It is a part of life and it is seen more often in hospitals because that is where the sickest of the sick wind up.
There are dozens of reasons why it could have been your fault, but there are hundreds if not thousands of reasons that it wasn't.
Be kind to yourself. You did what you could in the time that you had.

You said first "attempt", or did they actually succeed? What was the outcome?

Otessa, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

All I can say to the OP "Been There" and you WERE there for that patient-don't EVER forget that the last words they heard were kind and the last face they saw was smiling (yours).

otessa

Virgo_RN, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

If you've been beating yourself up for five days, then you NEED to talk about it. Coming here and sharing with us is therapeutic, I am certain, but do you have anyone else you can actually talk to face to face? And not just anyone. I mean someone who really "gets it".

AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN · Dec 21, 2009

Yes, Virgo, my doc has been great, he says I'll toughen up with time. He also says that the fact that I am still going over it speaks to my skills and my character, whatever that means.

CNA2day · Dec 21, 2009

Wow your post made me cry. Pobally because yesterday we lost one of my favorite residents in LTC. I am glad he is gone as he is no longer suffering.

"I'm sorry you suffered like you did, but I'm thankful that you are at peace.

I'm sorry that I could not make you well, but I'm thankful that I made you FEEL better."

Those thoughts sum it up perfectly for me!

The hardest part for me was watching him a few hours before he died with a panicked look on his face clenching my hand with both of his hands with every bit of strength he could muster, terrified that he could not catch his breath.

I was okay until I helped his daughter pack up his belongings and she was telling me stories about him. When she started crying I had a hard time not crying myself!

I can say that I will miss him but I am also glad he is gone and not suffering!

blondy2061h, MSN, RN · Dec 21, 2009

We've had a couple of cases recently of people just not doing well who had no real reason to not do well. They all suck.

I'm sorry this one is bugging you so much. That was wonderfully written.